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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 hydroplaner
Joined: 6/23/2011
Msg: 11
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
This right here. That sums it up for me. I accept that we could have chatted for a few hours and then had a quick meet & greet in which we would have both said this ain't happening. I guess you could slice the pie 10 ways to sunset. Live and learn.

One thing is for certain. I won't burn down that much time talking to someone prior to meeting them. I want to introduce myself, have some conversation to make sure both parties are comfortable, and set up the meet & greet. Sounds simple enough. But who said anything about dating was simple Lol.....

Thanks.
 KAT4EVR
Joined: 1/23/2005
Msg: 12
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Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/24/2011 8:13:41 AM
Hi Hydro,
I agree with the others about the divorce, mine took almost 7 years to complete. Talk about dragging it out. But, I try not to date separated men, since they are still married. I will not be the "other" woman, there is way too much chance for heartbreak if he and his wife decide to get back together.
You have to contact the woman, she will not contact you. This is not high school, reference that you have been off the market for that long. We women like the chase but we will slow down to be "caught" by the right man. If she was interested in you, and I think she was, then call her and arrange for coffee or tea or drinks on a beach, balcony, or parking garage roof- but call and ask!
Chemistry is not everything, it dies unless you have other things as a common thread. Conversation, laughs, great memories, big oops! things you can laugh about later, GET IT?
I read somewhere that sex may be great (yeah, it is) but if you cannot talk with your partner and have great conversations then all you have is great sex and no staying power.
You and your wife had a ton of memories you shared, you dated in high school, but the next person does not have that nor will unless you find someone from your old high school.
You have to create your own memories with her going forward.
Yes, it is not easy, but keep going and call her back with an apology like this " I am sorry ________ that I did not call sooner, I am so new to this with the length of time I have been married and out of the dating scene, that I goofed and did not call you sooner. If you can accept my apology, would you like to meet again and go to _________?
It will work if she is interested in you, and it sounds like she is. No, you are not groveling, but you are being human and sincere.
Good luck !
 hydroplaner
Joined: 6/23/2011
Msg: 13
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/24/2011 8:42:15 AM
You my friend are a Saint!! 7 years is a lot of time to weather a person. People talk about the only one who wins in a Divorce case is the Lawyers. Wrong-it is Father Time and he stops for nobody. It is behind you and I am happy for you. Now go make that time up hehe. But in my time of separation, it may be the most important time in my life.

Most women have no interest in Dating a Separated man. Once I understood that, my mind just accepted it and moved on. But for my record, every female I have went out with would tell you if I broke her heart it wouldn't be because of going back to the X. Scouts honor Lol. I just have core values and where I got them from is still a mystery to me. But I wouldn't change that part of me for the world.

I hear you about the pull up the Man Panties and initiate with her again. We will continue to be in contact regardless of if she were to date me or not. I like surrounding myself with genuine people like her. They tend to be few and far between. But past that this one will have to rest. Unless there is a different feeling as we communicate from time to time. Someone is going to get a great girl for sure.

As for the conversations we had, since our past were somewhat similar in how we lived life through our marriages, that becomes a focal point of conversations. There is no getting around it IMHO. That would be neat to find someone I went to school with. Had not thought of that. They may be knocked over when they see me. I am NOTHING like who I was when growing up LOL.

Thanks
 hydroplaner
Joined: 6/23/2011
Msg: 14
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/24/2011 8:50:25 AM
This is not a courage thing. I deal with rejection everyday. If my heart felt the gravitation towards her, I would go right into the eye of the Hurricane. I have been that way all my life. This is not the case. But as I said if the opportunity came up, I can give her a day with me that will certainly make her go "what is the guy all about" Lol. Who knows. I always keep an open mind. It might explain why I am always looking for my brain hehe.

Thanks
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 15
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/24/2011 9:08:17 AM

One cannot establish Chemistry on a first meeting. That is something that will evolve over time as the two get to know each other. Chemistry is not a feeling, physical attraction or how much two may have in common. It has nothing to do with that. many people can have many things in common and yet are still NOT compatible for each other.


I totally disagree with this statement. First of all, what is chemistry? Chemistry is a name we give to those emotions that evolve that are not necessarily the result of our rational mind, but purely an emotion. Maybe they do not happen instantly to you JJ, but to me, and to many others it is an instant thing. We know it right away. And I tell you if that chemistry does not evolve in that first date, there will not be a second date.

Also, any time spent on email, on texting and even on the phone goes out the window the moment that you meet. Tabula rasa. So on email you could have hit it quite well, but in reality not. Or on email you may have been cautious, reserved, yet when meeting in person quite the contrary. I recently got a response from a lady that was two pages long and quite erotic. Interestingly enough she disappeared, while others that the exchange have been more basic, evolved into a meeting. And all, and I mean all women that evolved into a relationship, the chemistry was there on the first date.
 newbeginnings460
Joined: 8/4/2010
Msg: 16
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/24/2011 11:13:33 PM

Maybe they do not happen instantly to you JJ, but to me, and to many others it is an instant thing. We know it right away. And I tell you if that chemistry does not evolve in that first date, there will not be a second date.


I totally agree with this statement. I know within five minutes if there is true chemistry. That is a person with whom I can't wait to be with again. Someone I want to get to know and try to make it work.

There is that other sort of connection we make with a person who we enjoy being with or who makes us laugh or feel comfortable. They may not be our type or we may not be totally attracted to them but there is something about them that we like and therefore we enjoy their company. That is call companionship. Some people are willing to settle for companionship and others are looking for raw chemistry. If you can find both...you are DAMN LUCKY!!
 KAT4EVR
Joined: 1/23/2005
Msg: 17
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Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/25/2011 3:25:50 AM
Oh, that was just an example, it was finalized in 1997, during which I bought my second home and then my first motorcycle. I began again and became the "biker" I had always wanted to be since I was 16 years old.
I am not a hard core biker but ride to work 500 miles per week, have ridden thousands of miles of highway to other states and have been living life to the fullest.
I did send him an anniversary card every year he dragged it out. I just had to, the devil inside made me do it. ROFLMAO
Best luck to you.

 hydroplaner
Joined: 6/23/2011
Msg: 18
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/25/2011 8:46:44 PM
Hi all. I am a good listener I have to say. I did initiate a conversation with her today. I offered her an afternoon out on the water with me. No pressure just clean fun, fresh fruit, and surely great conversation. She enjoys Photography and in nature there is no better place to enjoy taking pictures. She said absolutely.

I am still of the opinion that Chemistry is almost instant but maybe I don't understand how it all works. Just a day on the lake is good enough for me if that is all that becomes of it. I find it very hard to meet genuine people these days and enjoy their company.

Between now and when we go out she may find her Don Juan or I may fall in love with a Greek Goddess Lol. Either way I will follow up on this thread. There was some good opinions about this for sure.


Thanks again
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 19
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Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/25/2011 9:18:19 PM
I found this thread after answering a question about lukewarm dates. Here is part of what I wrote.

I was acting aloof until I made sure he wasn't just after sex and he thought I wasn't interested in anymore than being friends. It seemed like he wanted to kiss me on the 2nd date but didn't try because I sat far away. We were emailing everyday though and we ended up going on a third date. We talked that night for hours in my driveway saying good bye and when I leaned over to hug him, we had our first kiss. Sparks were ignited after that.

I don't believe there has to be instant chemistry just a desire to see the person again. Also my SO and I emailed everyday for 2 weeks because even though he asked me out after 1 week, circumstances kept us from meeting until later.


edit to add:


He was SEPARATED when we met.
 charlie_girl_2
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 20
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/26/2011 3:25:45 AM
Yes, I think too many spend way too much time messaging before the meet and greet.
It seems there are several reasons for this. A primary one, imo, is the classic stall. Or what I call, "bait and wait" -- too many hooks out at the same time and no time to spend on any of the "catches" --- so he baits and she waits. (Of course, I suppose women do this too.)

Another, as other posters have noted, is, too many people don't want to get out from behind their computers to meet. They have the need for the rush it gives them, but God forbid they'd actually take the time to meet.

Another, and the main reason why I don't like messaging or emailing until death,
is I like to feel at ease when I meet. I'd like for him to feel the same way. I want our conversation to be fresh and not rehearsed. Listening and looking at the other while getting to know them. Too much time messaging/emailing often leads to the same darn questions being asked all over again! Rehashing what was already covered when you do meet!

Meeting should be fun and relaxed. Two should just enjoy getting acquainted without any unrealistic expectations about the other that often comes when two have spent too much time messaging. That often leads to what I refer to as "the ole kick in the gut" when the chemistry isn't there in the meeting and one feels they've wasted so much time and effort on someone they thought was completely different.
By meeting soon after the initial emails/brief phone call or two, keeps those "imaginings" at bay and then if the meeting doesn't go any further, then it is so much easier to move on instead of feeling used.
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 21
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Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/26/2011 10:11:53 AM
Though the "email phase" shouldn't be too dragged out, actually I think it's one area where online dating has an advantage over "real life", because you have the opportunity to find out a lot of interesting things you might normally never talk about in a typical everyday conversation. Of course, like anything, you have to be "interested" and "paying attention", and basically prepared to talk about more than just yourself!

On the other extreme, have noticed there seems to be a fair number of gals (and probably guys too), who've obviously done a lot of this, where it's also clear they want to cut to a physical meeting to determine the all-important "chemistry" ASAP. Kinda like the social equivalent of "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am"!
 jblack187
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 22
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Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/26/2011 11:26:42 AM
You said you talked to her a lot over the course of a week or so? That's not really that long of a time. For instance, I met my last girlfriend here. We talked for 2 or 3 weeks on the phone every night before we finally met. By the time we met we were comfortable enough to where it felt like we already knew each other. There was very little feeling out. We ended up dating for two years.

Another situation. I met a girl on this site. Very sweet woman. We emailed each other on the site for over a week before I got her number. Then we texted each other for a couple of weeks before I finally said "holy crap, we've never spoke to each other. Call me!". So we had a few awesome phone conversations over the course of another week. She finally brought up the idea of meeting me and we did. We got along wonderfully, and I thought we had awesome chemistry but it just didn't happen. She was talking to several guys "keeping her options open" and apparently I wasn't good enough of an option. But I still made a great friend that I still talk to. Anyway, she later told me that she has a personal rule of not meeting a guy until they've talked for at least 3 weeks.

My point is that if it only took a week or so of talking to this girl on the phone and through text messages to ruin the chemistry for you, chances are it never would have been there. You would've learned each other's life stories way quicker if you were hanging out in person you know.
 hydroplaner
Joined: 6/23/2011
Msg: 23
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/27/2011 7:47:14 AM
Hi all. As I stated earlier we talked for a week but we got very detailed about our lives. It almost felt like a questionnaire at one point. I am sure my actions are at fault as anything but I am a talker Lol.

The girl I am talking to now is getting limited conversation from me. The meet and greet coming up is going to have much less prior information about each other and in my mind it will make the whole thing have more of an allure. There are just things I want to learn about from someone sitting across from them while watching their eyes and expressions. Call me a Dork but it is what it is.

It does seem as though the recurring theme is all about the Chemistry. Whether someone wants to admit it or not that is what we all want. And everyone has their own opinion about how they come to terms as to if there is a spark. A woman can wear her Perfume just the right way and trigger something in me that will attract me to them. But everything past the smell could be a person who I would want nothing to do with and can't see the Forest for the Trees. That is an example in my mind of how all of this can get Skewed. Hence the second date and why I decided the girl that originally made me start this thread is going to get the second look. Go out as Platonic and just make sure that is all that is there for us. No harm, no foul.
 SONNI100
Joined: 12/24/2010
Msg: 24
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 7/27/2011 9:07:18 AM
Of course enough email and phone conversation have to take place for the initial connection. "Enough" means something different to all of us.
Meeting is really the only way ....funny how we can have these mystical mental connections with strangers through email. Even odder, how we can feel so strongly after a period of communication that we will 'click' when we meet. I used to feel I was being rushed to 'meet'. Now I understand why that should happen fairly soon........
 0rlando Man
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 25
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 8/7/2011 10:21:10 PM
There's been a couple of times where it's taken longer for the first meet. In those times, it actually was less of a first meet and more of a date since we already knew the basics of each other. We can just enjoy our company without having those job, kids kind of questions. If the attraction is going to be there, it will be there whether it took you one day for the first meet or two weeks.
 Pinayto
Joined: 2/5/2011
Msg: 26
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 8/8/2011 11:18:17 AM
I learned that meeting in person ASAP works best for me. The ONLY sure way to know if you will like each other is face to face talk. Almost all my meets are done a day or 2 or even the same day we message each other. And I prefer it that way. That way I don't feel I waste my time chatting up for nothing.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 27
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Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 8/9/2011 4:38:28 PM
VelmaValento
If you are suggesting that talking to someone a lot before meeting somehow kills the chemistry when you meet, that's ridiculous.

What happens is that people can really click when they are messaging or talking, but have not met in the flesh. Then they meet in the flesh and that physical chemistry is not there. It hasn't been killed because they talked a lot. It just isn't there and never was going to be there, if they had met in person within the first day of meeting on line. It just isn't there.




I met someone from another country through a different forum and we became instant pen pals. There was a strong connection but long story short we have not met in person. We are still in contact but both in relationships. He is married to a woman he met online and I am in a relationship with a man I met online as well. Who knows what would of happened to our imagined chemistry if we had met in person while single.


I agree, emailing and chatting on the phone does not ruin the chemistry. My SO and I emailed for 2 weeks. I preferred to get to know someone a little before meeting in person. Because of circumstances we had to wait past the one week when he originally asked if I wanted to meet for lunch. We emailed several times a day.
 ycghatw
Joined: 10/8/2013
Msg: 28
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 10/29/2013 8:03:13 AM
Possibly you did spend too much time texting/messaging before meeting. After all you have to leave a little mystery. You want to find out about the other person gradually. At least this is my opinion for what it is worth.
 firefly416
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 29
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Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 11/3/2013 1:23:45 PM
Chemistry is an interesting thing and something which I think gets more complicated with online dating. In real life, I've probably had the love (or lust) at first time 3 or 4 times. Most of the time when I end up falling for someone, I've casually known him for months or years and suddenly felt differently about him. But when you meet an online person you have maybe an hour to decide if you think the chemistry will be there. Recently I was thinking about the fact there I know several men in real life who I'd love to date (they don't feel the same way) and I would have picked none of them from a photo.
 KratosSpawn
Joined: 10/24/2010
Msg: 30
Did we spend messaging too much before the meet & greet?
Posted: 11/5/2013 5:33:43 PM
You Get What You Allow.

When you meet a woman and engage her, she going to place you in a box based on how you act and what areas of her life need male participation.

You acted like a guy who was interested in doing online messaging/texting with her all the time and she placed you in the box of text buddy. You acted that way, so she treated you that way.

When you engage a woman seeing intimacy, you should carry yourself as such. Step off the texting keypad after you tell her to call you or just ask her out.

Stop being scared to progress things because you fear the possibility of a NO before she has even considered allowing you into that space in her life.
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