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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?      Home login  
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 Prof78
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 151
Nice guy ...Page 7 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
I agree with you that a lot of men have become whiny and thumb-sucky these days and I find it depressing. I don't think we should be bullies and boors either, but I can understand how this attitude can be a turn-off. I myself wrote on my profile that I consider myself a nice guy, but that I hate the fact that the term is so negative these days. To me, a nice guy is somebody who has good values, treats women and others with respect, but who also respects himself and doesn't whine or bellyache. A doormat isn't necessarily a nice man, he's just that ... a doormat. Instead of ``nice guys`` who complain about their lack of success, we should say ``insecure men``.

Why is it that a nice girl doesn't get the same kind of flak as a nice guy?

If you're picky, that's your right. Just make sure you make that clear in your profile to weed out people who don't fall into the category of what you're looking for. I wouldn't poo poo people who don't have a college degree, though. I've seen dimwits who have PhD's and really bright people who have a limited education.

Good luck,
Dan :)
 Prof78
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 152
Nice guy ...
Posted: 8/2/2011 8:31:51 AM
Oh, I forgot to write in my last post that this answer is intended for Jen 29. I'm kind of new to this forum thing.
 Riskbreaker
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 153
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the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/2/2011 8:33:51 AM
I think the problem with the OP is how she worded her post. It DOES come off as self-important, but I understand what she is saying. She has a masters degree, is an engineer, is in her 30s, and obviously takes care of herself. I don't see what is so bad that she expects the same from her man. The only problem is, all of her demands have nothing to do with a guy being nice. All those things can be achieved by a douchebag as well as a doormat, so I'm not sure why even bring this up.
 sml0110
Joined: 1/3/2011
Msg: 154
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the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/2/2011 9:23:26 AM
One thing I have noticed, atleast in my area, is that the women who make a long laundry list of wants, are still here on POF. One can only assume it is because their list is unreasonable. It is usually the good looking women that do this. I'm just stating this from what I have observed. With that said, I have dated women whose criteria I didn't meet 100% and I have also been shot down by those whose criteria I did meet 100%. It's kind of a crap shoot sometimes.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 155
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the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/2/2011 11:46:41 AM

why is the 'need to offer more' addressed only to men? what about the women who constantly whine about their lack of success? do they offer all (or at least, most of) the things the OP has mentioned?

Because it is only men that have complained about it in this thread.
 JONITA
Joined: 8/24/2009
Msg: 156
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the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/3/2011 7:18:36 AM
I am also sick of these nice guy rants. These guys aren't really nice at all. They wine and complain about women and what's going wrong with in their lives. Do these guys expect women to fall down and worship their feet because they are "nice?" What about chemistry? Physical attraction? Common goals? These nice guys need a reality check? Why don't I see nice girl rants? I'm sure there are lots of nice girls out there who feel they are getting the short end of the stick.
 totalazzhole
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 157
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/3/2011 8:13:31 AM

Do these guys expect women to fall down and worship their feet because they are "nice?"


you mean sort of like most women expect guys to, because they possess breasts & a vagina? with often little or nothing else to offer..


new site :

http://www.plentyofsyph.com/

http://www.plentyofsyph.com/about

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HTWcwShmEw
 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 158
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the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/3/2011 4:24:27 PM

I am also sick of these nice guy rants. These guys aren't really nice at all. They wine and complain about women and what's going wrong with in their lives. Do these guys expect women to fall down and worship their feet because they are "nice?" What about chemistry? Physical attraction? Common goals? These nice guys need a reality check? Why don't I see nice girl rants? I'm sure there are lots of nice girls out there who feel they are getting the short end of the stick.


Maybe because even the least attractive woman on the site(by societies standards) get more mail the the AVERAGE guy. Having worked in clubs for years I saw it every night in real life, even the least attractive women(by societies standards) get hit on, if they stay long enough. not so for guys.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 159
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/3/2011 4:38:19 PM

Maybe because even the least attractive woman on the site(by societies standards) get more mail the the AVERAGE guy. Having worked in clubs for years I saw it every night in real life, even the least attractive women(by societies standards) get hit on, if they stay long enough. not so for guys.

It could be that the women (or girls in rather) aren't in clubs seeking out a "nice guy." Maybe they are there looking for someone they consider "hot" much more so than someone they wish to have an actual relationship with (and let's be honest, in a club? It's not like one is going to get to the core of "who" someone is ~ it's all about physical appearance most often in bars/clubs/pups.) As for POF or other internet sites? It's not surprising to me that "average" in appearance people (men and women) find this venue difficult ~ it's a numbers game. One needs to have some sort of "game" to get passed a first contact email, and this includes even the better looking people. At least this is how I view this after nearly 11 years on and off the net. JMO
 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 160
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the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/3/2011 5:06:15 PM

It's not surprising to me that "average" in appearance people (men and women) find this venue difficult ~ it's a numbers game. One needs to have some sort of "game" to get passed a first contact email, and this includes even the better looking people. At least this is how I view this after nearly 11 years on and off the net. JMO

But women get a lot of attention regardless of their looks. while it is true the hottest of girls get the most attention all women get there fair share of mail compared to guys.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 161
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/3/2011 5:39:35 PM

…OR the "dudes" who think if they defend her, she'll magically want to fly all the way from Hawaii to be with them!



Look, TheBig Flick, You go on about conforming as you pose in your Justin Bieber hair cut…



Hate to tell you this but YOUR mother has…BOOBS.


This thread is hilarious!!
 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 162
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the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/4/2011 6:13:46 AM

Cinsav, Ive gone back and re read the OP profile and opening post and for the life of me I cannot see where some folks thinks she's a gold digger?I see a confident kid knowing what she wants, and believe im not trying to blow smoke up her ass and trying to date her or what ever.


Yes I wont say she is a gold digger, but she IS shallow, the things mentioned have the stink of entitlement(you know, the trait you claim NICE guys have?) but I will examine that later.




Yes, you might be nice, but…
…are you educated?
…do you have a career instead of a job?
…do you go to the gym to look healthy and attractive?
…did you invest the money for a nice haircut?
…have you built healthy social skills?
…have you found your own place to live?
…is that place clean and nicely furnished?
…have you avoided stupid mistakes (such as being divorced at the age of 23)?


…are you educated? [bold] education is the process of gaining knowledge college is not always involved[/bold]

…do you have a career instead of a job? [bold] So being able to support yourself is not enough? its what you do outside of work that defines you not the other way around[/bold]

…do you go to the gym to look healthy and attractive?[bold] If a man said this he would be hung at the highest tree in the village[/bold]

…did you invest the money for a nice haircut?[bold] A haircut makes the difference?[/bold]

…have you built healthy social skills?[bold] If a guy treats you right what the hell difference does it make how he interacts with others?[/bold]

…have you found your own place to live?[bold] this is the only reasonable criteria stated[/bold]
…is that place clean and nicely furnished?[bold]nicely furnished or newly furnished? possible gold digger alert.[/bold]
…have you avoided stupid mistakes (such as being divorced at the age of 23)?[[bold] Not always a reflection on him, some people are good actors, and some people change shortly after highschool[/bold]

This crap list of hers shows her for the shallow girl she is, not saying this stuff cant be on ones list, just that it should not be at the top.

Kindness, faithfulness and love are the most important and with those anything else is just icing on the cake.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 163
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the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/4/2011 7:10:59 AM
Alright, I have to throw the ball back in the girl's side of the court here; it's YOU who have created the 'nice guy' problem. So many of you complain about how your mates treat you, and you vocally make it clear that you're tired of it. So, we try to be nice to you. We're really nice people. There, we've done our part to try to make you happy. And what do we get? Nada. Nothing. More complaints, only now you're unhappy with us giving you what you said you want.
So ladies, it's your own responsibility to let guys know what you want. You don't even have to tell the ones you date; take the responsibility to talk to a 'nice guy' that you know, and tell him what he's doing wrong, and why. Tell him; he'll listen....that's how he became one of those 'nice guys' in the first place.
Ladies, we want you to be happy; we really do. But most of us don't know how to go about it. I learned by spending many years reading psychology books on how people interact; but most people don't have the time to waste their life trying to interpret the opposite sex.
So you're going to have to help us out. We're not women; we haven't spent our entire lives learning 'non verbal communication'. So no matter how much you want us to read your minds and automatically know what you want, it's simply not going to happen.
Give us some guidelines. Sure, you want us to 'lead the way', and make the decisions, but you want us to make the decisions you prefer, with our having no way to know what you want.
Help us help you. Really. You'll get a much better mate for your efforts.
Rant over. Now get out there and teach the next 'nice guy' you meet how he needs to treat a woman. The next woman he dates will be eternally grateful to you.
 MsMuscleChick
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 164
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/4/2011 7:12:21 AM
I do not see this as bad ( what the OP is asking for ) because on line is a giant breeding ground for men AND women to try to be something they are not. By stating what she finds she needs to be able to enjoy a person, *might* weed out the clowns. Now, the real question is, is the OP as good as what SHE demands??? Hard to tell not meeting her and seeing ONE little photo....

There are many nice guys and nice girls on here who " want want want" but cannot back up who they * claim * to be. I have met quite a few of these.

Education means someone can learn . It will not make a man or woman smarter in a relationship. I happen to love Education and do prefer someone who does as well. If anything, it is wonderful conversation and shows me someone is capable of putting some hard work into to something. I have met men who bitch about the time I need to study. Well, I am sorry ~ lol I am working on a program that requires a high GPA and pays my bills. Cannot hang? Oh well.

Career instead of a Job ~ a lot of people may not have this. However if someone works, supports their household I can deal with it. Now, if someone is fired all the time, job to job every other month, or living off the system...no thanks.

Going to the gym and using it are 2 different things. I have met a good handful who go or have a membership but can clearly tell they do not do jack in there. As a matter of fact, some have not been in months ! ( But still have the monthly fee taken out of their Checking or Debit account ). That is hot. NOT. I do not demand another body builder but be in decent shape and for God sakes, do not lie about it. When we see you we can tell.....

Nice haircut? Depends on the person. Social skills are iffy....a lot of people on line have NONE. Met those as well.

Living alone is a must for me as well. I used to get the room mate thing however more cases than not room mate turned out to be living with Mama and not paying rent, or living with an ex, and in some cases living with multiple people and constantly on the run. Not dealing with it. Stability in this area is a huge must.

On line again is not easy. People do have lists, and the ones I have met who had them, sure as hell were nothing like what * they * demanded. Just like the one poster said, he body builds and gets a lot of terribly out of shape women with tons of kids who hit him up. Well, I get the male versions of this !!! LOL I mean come on. If you want certain things, you better be what you are expecting !!!!!!
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 165
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/4/2011 8:52:48 AM

surely its about a who a person is and how they behave not what they have or do?

What PC planet have you been living on? Even in most RL situations people judge others by what they do and what they have/drive..
Online it is pretty much the same except SO much easier to fantasize, embellish profiles and prevaricate..

And don't call me surely...
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 166
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/4/2011 9:01:21 AM

Yes I wont say she is a gold digger, but she IS shallow, the things mentioned have the stink of entitlement(you know, the trait you claim NICE guys have?) but I will examine that later____morta1ez
sorry Man, why does that make her shallow? because she knows what she wants and asks for it? I really don't get some of you folks, you say you want to the woman to be honest, and when shes honest and you don't like it and if you don't fall within her criteria now shes shallow? I know rejection is a terrible thing to some but really where does it end?

As in for the other parts of her list? So what I can counter your points

Education.... she has a degree and wants to meet someone also with a degree whether its College or University, should she date 9th grade drop outs that cant put a sentence together to save his life?

Career or Job, if she earning a good salary should she not enjoy her life with someone else that has a good salary?Money is one of the leading factors in relationship break ups.

Healthy well that speaks for it self
Money for a nice hair cut, who wants to date a person with poor grooming habits or outdated style.

Healthy social skills..... well that's debatable, some people are socially awkward but are geniuses but I think shes talking about she doesn't want a Monday morning armchair quarterback who would rather stay home vs going out and doing things.

Own place to live.... well that depends on the finances and choices you make, a woman her age or any age doesn't want to meet a guy that lives at home with mommy, just because he made a choice to live at home to save money? the friggen loser.



Place nice and clean and fully furnished....who wants to date someone that lives in a pig sty

I think any young person married and divorce before 25 years is stupid, foolish and most likely lived in a fantasy world, Young people now a days are under a extreme amount of pressure, the world has changed big time, when one is their 20's you get to see what they are really made of , who is responsible and who is living in a dream world.

Again I don't see what the problem with her list, its her life all she was saying is it takes more than her list to have any success with her or dating, what is wrong with that?

The way I look at it is , if someone doesn't fall within what you are looking for that's life you move on , you cant put a square peg in a round hole , no matter how good the square pegs looks like.

 chomper1967
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 167
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/4/2011 9:28:53 AM
Ha ha so right. They need confidence, career! and a freakin car right! Ha Wtf are these guys thinkin... I never put crap on my profile to make someone think evan 1 person is better than me... They may be more sucessful "probably not" But as a man that can have whatever he wants in life seemingly you must be choosy or be brought down a Notch! Rock on and Keep fishin... Remember if you dont like what your catchin ....Change Bait!
 Chersoh
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 168
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/4/2011 11:23:30 PM
I'll simply make these two points:

1) As adults we are all entitled to our preferences. People make their choices, take their chances, and hope it all works out for the best. That's EVERYBODY: The nice guy (genuine or self-proclaimed), the hot woman that rejected him, her unattractive best friend with the heart of gold, and the bad boy vip she lusts after.

2) For all the "at their level" seekers, while there is nothing wrong with having standards, I humbly suggest that you remember that LIFE IS FLIMSY. Yes, she was turning heads everywhere she went until she got disfigured by the car accident-- now they turn away. Yes, he was collecting six figures until his company got bought out and the parent company dissolved his department, now he's collecting unemployment benefits. From one day to the next, anything is possible.

And close with this last point:

This country has a greater than 50% divorce rate. IF you're just out to get laid, this of course doesn't matter, but what it means mathematically is that you have a better chance of calling a coin toss than sustaining a successful marriage. If our culture ever hopes to reverse this trend, something will have to give. That's the big picture.
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 169
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/5/2011 6:31:18 PM
Wow.

1. Jen, take heart. You just hit everybody right in their bruises where they don't feel good enough and then they all decided to come and massacre you for it.

2. You're an engineer. Screw all the guys' opinions, I'm impressed.

3. I've worked with engineers and artchitects, and I see what everybody missed...which is that being that kind of thinker is more pertinent to the way you present yourself than being a woman is...it really isn't about being a snob.

4. People, engineers make lists, they are very discerning, very picky, and that is how they get things done to specifications, either that or they are the one who writes the specifications. So, she just wrote a spec list for a man. It makes perfect sense to her.

5. The funny thing about engineers and architects is they rarely marry each other or date within their field...LOL. Don't be surprised if you marry a wild rock'n'roll god or a performance artist, I've seen it.

6. It's true, to please an engineer or an architect, it has to be pretty close to perfect. How many crooked buildings do you see built in America; how many bridges are falling down from poor design? They drive themselves harder than anyone.

Hence they tend to need the laidback quality in a partner...takes them a while to see it.

But really, she didn't ask for anything the guy engineers aren't demanding. Heck, she isn't asking for anything the guy next door isn't asking for. Or demanding.

She just made the point that lots of people are complaining without having put in serious effort. And that is true, there will always be complainers.

Who said she pointed the finger at YOU personally....um, I think it was YOU, by getting all upset.

Cheer up!
 1bellanella
Joined: 1/24/2010
Msg: 170
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the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/5/2011 8:13:04 PM

She just made the point that lots of people are complaining without having put in serious effort.


This is what I think most of our fellow forumites are missing. This list of Jen's isn't necessarily her personal list but is a general guideline for the "nice guys" on how to make themselves more appealing to women.
 FunkTheMillenium
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 171
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/5/2011 9:35:11 PM
^^^^ yeah right if thats what u want to believe, and im sure jen has walked the streets of a night on many countless friday and saturday's hoping someone will give her the time of day as well. its nice when a woman can have a wonderful list of demands she has for a guy. i stay away from anyone of that nature.

the thing is if u put more effort in the more u will probably fail. as in will be always expecting some reward for ur effort when u r in this mindset of actively looking.

isn't it what everyone says how when u stop looking it will come to u? i tend to believe it but still don't like to follow that way of thinking maybe because i get impatient...

women either "luv" u or they don't. trying to turn urself into a player or some playboy won't be the best move u can make to make urself more appealing as a guy. just be urself and if thats not good enough then thats not ur problem.
 totalazzhole
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 172
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/6/2011 7:35:58 AM

4. People, engineers make lists, they are very discerning, very picky, and that is how they get things done to specifications, either that or they are the one who writes the specifications. So, she just wrote a spec list for a man. It makes perfect sense to her.


mmm, yes, ordering your potential mate "to spec"

how romantic! ;) it would be GREAT if you could just go on Amazon.com and order one "built to spec"..perhaps the first life-like robots will greatly appeal to the OP, they are working on them in Japan , and maybe she can put in an early order..specify even what it/"he" will says: "Oh I love you Jen you; are the most beautiful and the most perfect woman ever" every morning at precisely 07:15 EST.. (spoken in your choice of languages and/or regional dialects/accents, or you can re-program when you get tired o that message and/or accent..)
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 173
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/6/2011 1:43:57 PM
It's amazing how some very simple requirements that any single one of us can,and most of us have, achieved has gotten so many mens panties into a bunch.


Envy is a terrible thing.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 174
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/6/2011 2:35:32 PM
Chersoh posted:


2) For all the "at their level" seekers, while there is nothing wrong with having standards, I humbly suggest that you remember that LIFE IS FLIMSY. Yes, she was turning heads everywhere she went until she got disfigured by the car accident-- now they turn away. Yes, he was collecting six figures until his company got bought out and the parent company dissolved his department, now he's collecting unemployment benefits. From one day to the next, anything is possible.


This deserves repeating.
 LM326
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 175
the nice guy...are you willing to put in the time?
Posted: 8/6/2011 3:49:40 PM
I can’t believe I’m about to defend the OP….

This site is filled with seemingly nice guys who are very confused. They honestly believe that women don’t like them because they are nice. That’s so absurd. These “nice” men usually lack passion and confidence . Men who are passionate aren’t afraid to show their emotions and speak their minds. They know what they like and how they want to spend their time. They might be more argumentative than the “nice” guy, but intimacy is very easy to develop with them. It’s extremely difficult to connect to the nice guy when he’s agreeable to whatever comes his way. Also, confident men know how to make decisions, and they aren’t followers. They usually have strong beliefs, and they don’t like to be controlled or told what to do. Sometimes this comes across as not “nice,” but to me it shows independence and strength.

I promise I’m leading to a connection to the OP’s list…

Imo, the OP listed characteristics of a man who has independence, discipline, and strength. She wants him to live alone, be tidy and fit, and she wants him to be educated in something specific. (A career is different than a job because there is passion behind it. Usually they’ve spent years preparing for their position. Sometimes one’s hobbies reflect their work, and they truly enjoy what they do.)

What woman wouldn’t want that? I know I do. However, I also want him to be loyal, considerate, tolerant, affectionate, blah blah..you know the rest.

I want it all. Yes, I know that’s why I’m single.
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