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 MsSookieStackhouse
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 26
Is honesty the best policy?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

I'm just waiting for the "shallow" comments and insults to start


I don't think you're being shallow. You can't help what you find attractive and what you don't find attractive.

Never in a million years would I question someone who didn't want a 2nd date with me. I can't believe this guy even asked.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 27
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/28/2011 1:07:55 PM
I don't see buck teeth as a problem that's easily fixed. It would require braces, possibly an overbite correction or who knows what. Very expensive and time consuming (could take 2 years)

I'm pretty sure he knows his smile is unattractive and that's why his photos don't show his teeth.

I don't think I'd have bothered telling him what bothered you unless you would seriously consider sticking around while he underwent all the dental procedures necessary to fix.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 28
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/28/2011 1:28:17 PM
OK ... I did it. I'm just waiting for the "shallow" comments and insults to start. I was as nice as I could be, in light of what was probably a horrible thing to hear ... even though I'm sure he knows.


In view of the fact that he was being so pushy and aggressive, I think you did the right thing in politely telling him that you didn't think you two were a good match because an attractive smile is important to you.

It's possible he didn't think it was that bad. Unlike decayed or missing teeth, some people might not consider a gap or overbite to be a serious dental issue. Lots of men don't smile in their photos, regardless of whether or not they have good teeth.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 29
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Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/28/2011 1:30:45 PM
While honesty is the best policy, being tactful is being gracious as well.

Can you inform them tactfully, of what it is that is not to your liking to the point of not going out again?
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 30
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Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/28/2011 1:35:32 PM

OK ... I did it. I'm just waiting for the "shallow" comments and insults to start. I was as nice as I could be, in light of what was probably a horrible thing to hear ... even though I'm sure he knows.


Okay, just as long as you were tactful in getting the message across.
Sometimes people need to be told the truth. And no matter how it is put forth, it is still going to be perceived as a hurt. You just have to accept things sometimes.
 pointoffact
Joined: 7/12/2011
Msg: 31
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/28/2011 2:02:29 PM
That's really shallow.

Happy now?

When I first came to this site I thought my chances of finding a date were around 5%. After reading what women have written on these forums over the last week or so I've revised my chances to around 1%. Maybe even lower.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 32
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/28/2011 6:07:23 PM
Was it helpful?
Was it kindly?
Was it timely (for him and for you, OP)?

I’m guessing it probably was. So I think you did the right thing.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 33
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/28/2011 6:08:33 PM
Just a thought for you OP. Since you dated him once, I will assume you know his name, where he lives or where he works.

If you have a home address, mail him a brochure from an orthodontist, write on it "think about it" or if you send it to work, make sure to write on the envelope, "personal and confidential".

Either way, just what I said, no return address, no note, just the bare minimum.

As for you, NO, don't tell him in person, by email or phone, he11 don't even send a carrier pigeon!

This way your relieved of the burden, you can move on in good conscience, knowing you tried to help, but did not embarass him or cause yourself problems.

The rest is well... you can lead a horse to water...

edit to add: oops, didn't see that post that you told him. Maybe this will come in handy for someone else.
 Ms Cheevious
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 34
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Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/28/2011 6:44:02 PM

Easy to fix? He will probably need 2 years of dental treatment.


True. But in 2 years he will be -

2 years older

with a semi-presentable grill

or....

still able to eat corn on the cob through a picket fence...

his choice


OP, is this the same guy who downs a 6 pack a night and thought you a prude for calling BS on his claim to be a social drinker?
 cinnarose
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 35
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/29/2011 9:53:05 AM
OP, you have the right to be specific or not as per your comfort level. If it were me, I would not discuss something I was not comfortable discussing just because someone insisted they wanted to know.
 Ontariogirl1960
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 36
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/29/2011 12:15:36 PM
Always be honest is is the best way.
 UsuallyAvailable
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 37
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/29/2011 12:30:10 PM
Honesty isn't the best policy if it's a physical characteristic in someone you just met. If it's significant other, we can suggest things, but even that is best left until there's a fairly solid line of communication.

Being brutally honest, as some have stated, would really suck ass if a man tells a woman, (again.... honestly, like they are saying they would) that he doesn't women with one breast, to a woman who may have suffered breast cancer, etc.

The same in reverse rolls, that a woman tells a guy, that she didn't know he had lost an arm, that it wasn't in his profile picture.

Let's face it, if he wanted to correct his teeth, he would have done it LOL.

In some cases, it's better to be compassionate, by just saying you didn't feel anything and wishing them luck in their future ventures.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 38
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Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/29/2011 5:19:12 PM
Im4tomorrow:

I agree with you , strong word is intangible but it can hurt a person like you stabbed him/her in the heart. I would rather lie in my words, so not to hurt that person if he ask the truth because I know that he already know the truth,about himself 97% he just want to pick a fight with me, I maybe 3 % wrong.

HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY when it comes to my feelings and motives .

I work hard to be honest of my feelings,like one time I volunteer distributing food for the street people I detest them of their bad breaths and unwash bodies because they hug me , for they were happy of my jokes. a forumite advice me to see them as a precious life... Now I know that I am honest when I hug a dirty person.

I am honest of my motives whether it is right or wrong, so that I will not be worried of what I said a while ago,and what I am saying now..

ps. it is true that if he wants his teeth corrected,he could have done it..
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 39
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/29/2011 5:27:27 PM
Well since he is hounding you about it, I think it's perfectly fair for you to tell him the truth, whether it would hurt his feelings or not. He should have gracefully thanked you for the date and wished you luck.

If you still want to be tactful, maybe you could just tell him there wasn't any physical chemistry. It's true since it's his appearance that bothers you, but still doesn't him a pinpoint problem.

Good luck and happier fishing.

Nutt
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 40
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/29/2011 7:40:45 PM

Not easy sometimes, but it is the decency you would want, if it were you on the receiving end, no?

No.

If I repeatedly hound a guy for a reason why he's not into me, it doesn't matter what I want. I deserve the answer clear as day right between the eyes. I have it coming. Plain and simple.
 mrmisterme
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 41
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Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/30/2011 6:02:33 AM

Should I just be honest and tell him what I didn't like about him or just let it drop?

I've learned the hard way that when you DO tell the truth, the other person gets upset and retaliates. I would say that the better answer would be "there was no chemistry between us".
 _eunique
Joined: 6/9/2011
Msg: 42
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/30/2011 7:21:46 AM
He may just want attention, but I would tell him. Maybe you can be sly about it:

"My friend's dentist, Dr. Such and Such, can really transform your smile! He did some amazing work on my friend's teeth and gave her an affordable payment plan! He did wonders for them and it changed their social life completely!"

Have a valid phone number for someone who does that work and see if he takes the bait.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 43
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/30/2011 8:33:32 AM

I am honest ... sometimes brutally. However, I'm not mean.

But to be fair, you're not brutally honest here... and it's not mean if they ask flat-out about the why. There's a difference between saying something you believe they don't want to hear despite them asking for a direct answer vs being mean.

I've never asked a guy if my butt looked big in these jeans unless I was prepared for the truth.

Exactly... and he wouldn't be mean if he said "Yeah, it does," if he knew you or he didn't but you were persistent for him to be honest about it.

just be honest ... what didn't you like about me?

If you're really apprehensive about saying things you believe the other person doesn't want to hear, you can respond with: "If you're wondering about your personality, it's fine... you didn't offend me if that's what you're concerned about. With that aside, do you really want me to critique your looks? People don't like that." And if he's persistent still, then just tell him -- like someone on a makeover show would explain it to the person who is asking for help.

What's the harm in telling him? He's being persistent. You tell him in a nice way (without fudging the truth), not in a mean way.
 LM326
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 44
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/30/2011 9:06:07 AM
Yes, honesty is always the best policy. I often get the same question, and I usually find an indirect way of explaining myself without hurting his feelings. For instance, if a man wears his shirt open to the third button with a gold chain, I'm turned off. If asked, I would tell him that I prefer conservative men, which I do. How can he blame you for having a preference? You're not asking him to change, and you've answered his question honestly.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 45
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/30/2011 9:49:18 AM

^^^ If asked, I would tell him that I prefer conservative men, which I do. How can he blame you for having a preference? You're not asking him to change, and you've answered his question honestly.

I really think that’s key – making it all about one’s personal preferences and feelings. It's honest and non-critical. Well said.
 Mr. Natural
Joined: 11/5/2009
Msg: 46
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/30/2011 3:37:28 PM
Army mom, I'll bet he's a champ in watermelon seed spitting contests!!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 47
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/30/2011 3:56:19 PM
~OT~ Honestly is always the best policy. "Brutal" and "honesty" however, should never be used jointly. If one can't be kind, tactful and honest at the same time? They need to seriously finesse their communication skills.

~OP~ No need to answer him. Honesty is a great thing ~~~ when there's a reason to be honest. In this instance? There is no need. JMO
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 48
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Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/30/2011 4:10:03 PM
He demands? You met him in person once. I don't think you owe him anything. I'd tell him he demands nothing and just block his attempts at contact.

If he demands you tell him what's wrong with him, I'd tell him that your fee for being his life and/or dating coach is $1,000 per week.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 49
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 7/30/2011 5:42:26 PM
Tell him he needs a profile review, that you're not as good at profiles as others here, but tell him the one thing you DO know is that he should be smiling in his pictures....LOL This crowd will handle the rest!
 Pinayto
Joined: 2/5/2011
Msg: 50
Is honesty the best policy?
Posted: 8/1/2011 2:13:33 PM
I am actually awaiting the OPs update on what the guy told her after she told him the reason why she won't go out with him anymore. And I think the OP did the right thing. The guy literally asks for it. I for one also wants to know why the other person dont want to go out with me anymore. Specifically so I can work on it. So hopefully now he knows pointblank that he needs to get his teeth fixed to get a date, I hope he does something about it.
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