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 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 320
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Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!Page 16 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

Despite my ER report they believed a story they were told by her. They accused me of beating her and taking the baby. No matter what I said they put hand cuffs on me and had me in back of a car.


Being male is often prima facia evidence of guilt in domestic violence issues.... you are extremely fortunate to have the intellect and resources to set up such a system that paid off for you big time.....

As you journey here in this forum... I see what started out as anger/frustration/confusion in your world has now progressed to a place of acceptance and the use of intelligent/positive strategies and healthy decisions to live forward in your life and build a new life for your child.... you have the intellect and strength of character to do this much easier than most.... that is a gift from above...

The best way to accelerate my own healing was to begin to help others in similar situations with the information I have gathered and wisdom to be applied in these situations.... that is why forums can be so healthy and healing for everyone.... even though they can be less that comfortable and even confrontational or hostile at times...

Tough love is just that.... tough for BOTH the giver AND recipient.....but you are unique in that you have an extraordinary strength of character and moral compass at your disposal.... this is a gift to be shared to benefit others.... this forum is a practice ground for those skills as well

If you wish to discuss further you may write me.....
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 321
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Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/7/2011 5:28:32 PM
@gentleplus, 1ukn4u: I appreciate the support from both of you. Unfortunately, the support for men in these situations is small compared to support for women. Hopefully the double standards go away and this balances out. Shrink4men is such a site for men. The nononsense man is a site that addresses double standards in all areas in life. We men do have to stick together. Hopefully, more awareness helps shrink this gap between the genders and show that it is a 2 way street. I also went to "toxic relationship pattern" thread and am adding another tool to further the process. Until I can afford a therapist, this is a step forward.
 cedar77
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 323
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Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/7/2011 10:16:42 PM

I appreciate the support from both of you. Unfortunately, the support for men in these situations is small compared to support for women. Hopefully the double standards go away and this balances out. Shrink4men is such a site for men. The nononsense man is a site that addresses double standards in all areas in life. We men do have to stick together. Hopefully, more awareness helps shrink this gap between the genders and show that it is a 2 way street.


I think that the biggest obstacle to over come is that many people are convinced that it is only women who are victims . Let's face it , there are women who seem to need to see themselves as " survivors" and that it was all a man's fault so that many women rag about men while men tend to be quiet about their gripes with women . It is a bit of a phenomena .
The mainstream media ( movies tv books ) has been very left wing and therefore pro feminist for a generation . The message has been drummed in to the peoples heads that it is guys who are bad and bullies , while women are good and victims . This is tough to overcome but there is a growing movement for men's side of the story as you have pointed out .

Good luck to you and I know how unfair the anti-man system is .
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 324
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Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/7/2011 10:39:03 PM
@cedar77: thanks for the support. Beers and perky ones had me laughing. The more of us men that come together on this, the better. Check out the sites I mentioned. Survivors of any abuse are survivors regardless of gender. I'm here to support anybody on this thread.
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 326
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Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/8/2011 6:26:00 AM

To socoj74: "whining about the fallout." Seriously?
Insulting total strangers' intelligence gets you NOWHERE.


@free to be me again..... I do understand your point here but actually I have a different take on it all.... people who are in severe emotional pain often lash out in anger either internally or externally.... those who externalize pain are eventually able to heal faster as long as there is a core of personal integrity.....

It is sort of like having a bad case of the flu.....look at the typical symptoms... very painful, total body effects, lots of releases of nasty/foul fluids, messy, cannot function at all in life, etc.....

But if you reframe the experience you see that the positive effects of the process of healing are what is really happening...

Fever=increased metabolism to heal
Fluid releases=purging toxins and disease agents
Bed Rest=focused total energy only on body's healing
etc.....

So the rage, hate, blaming, and lashing out that some express here is a healthy... although not pretty part of the process of grieving and letting go of the pain and trauma.... the key is to realize it is only a stepping stone... but not a place to get stuck in..... which becomes its own problem then....
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 329
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/8/2011 9:49:21 AM

Here in this forum, silence should never be deemed to be agreement. That's the first thing and it falls from the members obeying the rules of participation on this forum. There are some situations where the only options available to a responder are: (1) Responding dishonestly and not speaking one's truth, or (2) Responding with the truth and taking the risk of being banned, or (3) Being silent. You know how it is... Sometimes you know who a person is but you can't say because you would be banned for flaming so you just stay quiet?? Or, you know who a person is but they piss you off so much that you know you're better off not to speak so you just make your fingers stay off the keyboard? That's why silence cannot be deemed to be an agreement.


Precisely.

What I have noticed is that there have been posters joining in here that seem to be having an "ah-ha!" moment.

Oddly enough, it can be a comfort-and a platform to begin dealing and healing-to be able to IDENTIFY a mental, emotional, or even physical dysfunction. Whether it is a dysfunction with oneself-or someone with significance in ones' life.

Why people choose the partners they do, why they stay in them, or leave them, is a very complex,multi-faceted issue that cannot be boiled down to "stupid people choosing to be with(or stay with) pieces of trash". Or labeled with a clinical 'dysfunction' or 'disorder' tag and then irrevocably pigeonholed.

This has been an interesting topic,and as I commented earlier in this message, I notice what seem to be some "ah-ha!" moments. I hope those "ah-ha moments" give more than just a label to hang on someone or a pigeonhole to stick an experience in-I DO hope that those persons examine the thing in its' totality and inquire of themselves how they came to be drawn into it, why they stayed,what facets of their own personality and emotional make-up made them vulnerable to being drawn into the relationship; not just dwell on the awfulness of the narcissistic( used in a general, not a clinical sense) ex-partner.


I personally believe that we have had some npd's posting to this thread because as I said earlier, a person who has been thru Hell with one of them just knows and never forgets...


Its' interesting to read this...I had some thoughts on that subject, but I do not have a background that would lend itself to making the call.

However-there is a certain "cluster" that I'm learning to spot-and know when to step back from it,when silence can indeed be golden.
Cindy O
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 330
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/8/2011 9:50:54 AM

you are extremely fortunate to have the intellect and resources to set up such a system that paid off for you big time


Had nothing to do with intellect.lol It was pure and simple dum luck. She wasn't even the reason I installed the cameras. She didn't even know they were there and I had long forgotten. My ex wife and I got along great for years then suddenly one day she seemed to go insane. Tried to figure out what was wrong for months. Then I came home from work early one day and she had gotton back from taken the kids from school. Talking to her I swear she slurred her words once. Thats when I caught on or thought I did. She swore she didn't slur. I thought some kind of drugs. So next time she went out to do her hair or nails I was off to the attic to install 8 cameras. Got a security DVR and put the biggest hard drive in money could buy. It was a hard drive that could record for a year before it would restart. Cut a hole behind this huge book shelve we had and placed it in their safely hidden. Waited saw where she stashed her pills. It was xanex loratabs and somas. Confronted her with them and threw them in the toilet while she screamed. Expressed that wouldn't be allowed in my house and how dare her drive my kids anywhere on them.

She left that day and we devorced. I honestly had no idea she was on these meds for a couple of years. A few months later I met the cat killer. I forgot about the security cameras until I was about to be locked up.lol It is a good idea now.lol Maybe we can all learn from my accedent. Although I suggest you not be the kind to break the law in any way shape or form. So much as pushing a family member on the shoulder is domestic assault. Yelling and screaming at a family memeber can be domestic assault. So those who choose to yell and scream at your kids or feel they have to I don't suggest this to.
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 331
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Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/8/2011 11:00:35 AM

This kind of abuse and the mentality it takes to accept it angers me to the point I can't even see straight. I don't get it and I'm trying so hard to understand I really am. I'm not sure I want to get it. If I do get it can it happen to me?


These types are often the ultra successful or brilliant in their lives and careers..... consider movie stars, politicians, business, high government officials, etc...... they have set themselves in a place where everyone worships them like gods..... but eventually the secrets come out and you see what shipwreck lives they have.....

For the rest of those who have the conditions of cluster B or whatever..... and who are not in the public eye.... are just as seductive and capable of deception of self and others.... the key is when they are involved in an intimate relationship such as marriage/partnership.... the games and lies are eventually discovered.... and then the dance of dysfunction begins.....

As with a drug addicted partner when you were unaware and did not introduce a relational stressor everything was fine.... when the total truth was revealed it escalated quickly to a meltdown...those with less extreme situations still meltdown but in slow motion and can take years to complete the process......

Reconsider how you pick relationships..... my theory is that men can be too rich/powerful and women can be too pretty to be fully balanced as humans.....and do not have the integrity/ humility to interact as a co equal in relationship

My guess is that both of these women you were with were of extraordinary beauty???
 cedar77
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 332
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Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/9/2011 6:18:02 AM
In the last twenty years men have been marginalized in a number of areas. Once my ex and I were out walking and came across a small boy on the street who seemed lost. My ex, whose instinct was to help the boy, told me to approach him because if he did he ran the risk of being seen as an abductor. I wasn't convinced this was true but he explained that given the public's focus on perverts and abusers, a man today has to be careful about how and who he helps lest he be accused of something other than altruism. By the way my ex husband wasn't the narcissist I knew.

In the feminist atmosphere since the 60s in particular, men have often been wrongly painted with a broad brushstroke as abusers. We women who have and had deep and long relationships with men know that's rubbish, especially those of us who raised sons. Men and women equally have experienced sick partners and the hurt, anger and shake up of lives is the same. Male or female specific help groups are good, but gender shouldn't be a barrier because we can all learn from each other.


Exactly ! You would think that everyone would have noticed the predominant man bashing in our culture .
But , I am afraid that many women are only able to see it from a female perspective and they don't want to see or hear it any other way . It's awful because men can not even protest it as being unfair with out some women crying " chauvinist " or some crap like that .

Thanks for seeing the world from a male perspective . Or more like from a fellow human being's perspective .
 mmmaf
Joined: 10/30/2009
Msg: 333
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/9/2011 6:54:06 AM
Well, you certainly did your homework. I had a decade long relationship with one. Took me so long to get out because I wanted to believe there was some decency in the man. (which there wasn't) And there was money involved. (BIG MISTAKE) getting involved with money with anyone! Their charm and persuasive talents are par none. Maybe I was blinded by feelings but he was good. There was a movie called "The Perfect Man", a true story about such a relationship and she did end up dead. Her therapist was telling the story and listed 10 characteristics of the narcissistic something personality and mine had every one. At the first red flag / or request for a "loan" that is never paid back, run like the wind and Never look back, or give a second chance. These men are expert manipulators and there is no discussion with them you will win. Well said. The only thing I could add and attempted but did not follow through with was a criminal background check. This later revealed a dark and criminal past!!! Do not believe you are special or he is so special. HE IS NOT! RUN. He passed away in March at a young age, saying " I believe every wrong thing I ever did in my life caught up with me." And it did!! No one deserves to be abused and never allow it no matter how much you care for someone. He ruined his father's life also, and had him thrown out of his home at the age of 95, with no regard for his welfare. I told his father we were stupid, he said no just have big hearts. (guess a little of both). Be warned.
 nikkisenko
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 335
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/9/2011 9:23:50 AM
OP - thank you for posting this. When I read it, I realized I've been in this exact situation. I couldn't understand why I was having such a hard dealing with it. Understanding was immediately helpful and made me realize I have to take a long hard look at myself to see how I got sucked into that when my gut repeatedly tried to warn me something was wrong. Thanks!!
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 336
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/9/2011 10:57:24 AM

These types are often the ultra successful or brilliant in their lives and careers..... consider movie stars, politicians, business, high government officials, etc...... they have set themselves in a place where everyone worships them like gods..... but eventually the secrets come out and you see what shipwreck lives they have.....


Part of me agrees with this. Another part of me says they can barely tie their shoes or do a single thing useful to human kind. Maybe if they have a great deal of help and leak proof entourage.


As with a drug addicted partner when you were unaware and did not introduce a relational stressor everything was fine.... when the total truth was revealed it escalated quickly to a meltdown...those with less extreme situations still meltdown but in slow motion and can take years to complete the process......


This is very true. There was about 4 years incident free then 2 years of hell. I noticed a lot of xanex side effects. A lot of sleep and waking up pissed at the world for no reason at all. Having weird and impossible to deal with logic.


Reconsider how you pick relationships..... my theory is that men can be too rich/powerful and women can be too pretty to be fully balanced as humans.....and do not have the integrity/ humility to interact as a co equal in relationship


Right!!lol Man to be honest I left a girl who played for the WNBA and was an absolute perfect doll in every way. Seriously. I left her for the cat killer. I don't get what I'm thinking when I do this. It was like I needed a problem to fix or something or I couldn't be happy.


My guess is that both of these women you were with were of extraordinary beauty???


Nah they were only ugly trolls cause thats how I like it.lol Just kidding. They were good looking family type women. You definitely would have noticed them. The WNBA girl was as good looking or better any of em. Probably what I would consider a 6-8 out of ten. Other guys would usually try and hit on them even if I were standing right there. I'm not sure exactly how I should rate them but maybe they were all beautiful to me. Most the ladies on this thread are beautiful as well.


I can never believe or understand the selfishness or greed of the human race as a whole. The narcissistic behavior of the world kills me. Perfect example is what I do for a living. I love what I do because its all new patented processes. As lady c4 pointed out I'm a chemical operator. That's a simply job at some places. The things we do here aren't done anywhere else in the world though. I can't go into exactly what we do but it uses cyanide gas to do certain things to save "big oil" as George bush puts it billions of dollars. Yet do any of you see what I do at the pumps? No some greedy a-hole I'm sure has taken all that money. Greedy.

I live in Houston and put in contract ideas to NASA. A few of em have been used. Such as our over seas soldiers body armor. Some of that design I had some input on. Basically if a material will stop a 20,000 mile an hour meteorite it will stop a bullet traveling at 500-700 feet per second depending on the caliper of the bullet on the speed of course. Yet something simple I interject such as a high capacity demineralizer for pumper trucks to reduce the minerals in water when firefighters fight house fires or commercial fires gets a not cost effective stamp. It's just politics. People randomly selecting what is important and what isn't. Both can save countless lives yet only one gets picked up.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 337
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/9/2011 11:11:59 AM

OP - thank you for posting this. When I read it, I realized I've been in this exact situation. I couldn't understand why I was having such a hard dealing with it. Understanding was immediately helpful and made me realize I have to take a long hard look at myself to see how I got sucked into that when my gut repeatedly tried to warn me something was wrong. Thanks!!

It's weird, huh? I knew with my ex-husband that something was "off" the very first time I met him. Did it anyway. I was horrified/disgusted with myself to figure out a couple of months ago that I was ~ 11+ years post-divorcing one raging narcissist ~ trying to recover from another one. This one, very very different than the ex-husband. So it's added another dimension to how many freakin' times I need to evaluate me and figure out how come my spidey-sense is so off. The up-side of this? It's over and now I can just deal with it. Painful to go through the ending, but such a relief to know the insanity will be just my own now, rather than inflicted/promoted/instigated by someone masterfully skilled at manipulation. JMO
 cedar77
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 338
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Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/9/2011 11:22:05 AM
Women can not change who they are attracted to . They just are attracted or they are not . By nature women are attracted to the " bad boy " to a more or less degree . This is just due to natural selection and I won't get in to all that .

So , ironically , it is women who are placing value on the type A bad boy who is prone to narcissistic tendencies while the tybe B nice boring guy is less valued .
Like with so many other problems , it's women's fault but women blame men .
lol
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 339
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/9/2011 1:26:32 PM

Women can not change who they are attracted to . They just are attracted or they are not . By nature women are attracted to the " bad boy " to a more or less degree . This is just due to natural selection and I won't get in to all that .

So , ironically , it is women who are placing value on the type A bad boy who is prone to narcissistic tendencies while the tybe B nice boring guy is less valued .
Like with so many other problems , it's women's fault but women blame men .
lol


This isn't a gender issue. I know what my issue is. I'm just a problem solver at heart. Someone may pick a certain partner for the same reason as me. Or because they come from a dysfunctional family where one parent is a fixer and the other is a mess. Or because they come from a highly dysfunctional alcoholic family and their place in the family was the peace maker aka fixer. Who knows there could be an infinite number of reasons.

I do agree that laws are currently geared towards women. The movie "everything must go" that just released to DVD where a man has to live on his front lawn. His wife locked him out of his own house and if he breaks in he will go to jail. It's in the media and the culture that this is how modern men are being treated today. We see the evidence of this everywhere. A man gets arrested for domestic assault and the average bond is $10,000. A woman same charge average bond is $1,000. We see this happening everywhere we look now. It's a new way of life we are all expected to accept.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 340
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/9/2011 3:17:09 PM
So , ironically , it is women who are placing value on the type A bad boy who is prone to narcissistic tendencies while the tybe B nice boring guy is less valued .
Like with so many other problems , it's women's fault but women blame men .
lol

I don't wish to blow your version of what some of us ladies are attracted to, but this particular person that I was typing of is anything but a "bad boy." College professor, exceptionally dominant in his field of expertise (publication and research wise) and appears to be the epitome of someone that would never ever be anything but a pillar of his community, including working with domestic violence victims and donating time to other community things he deems important. Hardly what I personally would deem a "bad boy." (That term is so over-used and under-defined it's silly anyway. What's a bad-boy to me vs. to someone else? I dunno because I see no reason to label, but I will say, I've met some that others may perceive as a "bad boy" type that were such good men it made the self-professed "nice guys" look ridiculous.) JMO

Edit: And I personally take full responsibility for my portion of this mess. I picked him ~ that's on me.
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 342
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/9/2011 4:54:13 PM

I think inequity in laws regarding abuse charges are skewed because traditionally men press charges, they were either embarrassed to be seen as abused or felt they could take care of the situation themselves. Just my sense of it. I think the law sided more often with women was because physically most women don't have a chance (in physical abuse cases) against a guy who is bigger and stronger than she is. But we all know emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse and the scars it leaves are silent.

So that obviously has to change. I remember discovering a work colleague of mine years ago was abused. I was shocked because honestly, I'd never met a man before that who had been , or admitted he had been. All of us encouraged him to divorce her, or at least leave and press charges against her.

Like women had to fight for equal pay and other rights previously afforded men only, men are going to have to force changes in legislation and in the judicial system to not be persecuted. The dissolving of old stereotypes is I think helping to bring about more equality. I don't know any woman that wants to see women progress at the expense of men.


I think it has to change I just believe the reasons for change are different. Granted men in general are physically superior. A good example of this is my scenario. My child is in danger in my eyes. I only got a few options. 1.I let things progress and hope no injury comes to her. 2. My initial instinct that was to destroy whatever is endangering my child. I personally fought this one hard. 3. Grab the child and run as I did. 4. Grab the child and stand there and possibly let her beat me and the child to death.

Now like I stated I was about to be arrested for taking option 3. So according to the law this is wrong as if no cameras where up I would have been arrested. As I stated men in general are physically superior. So when you run and they chase you and hang on to you and they beat and attack you they will incur injury the same way a lion would if it attacked an elephant. So what do we do about a lion crazy enough to attack an elephant? Women bruise easier and are far more susceptible to injury. So no matter the issue a man will look like he got the better end of a fight. We men can't win ever. Sometimes we should be able to be on some type of even playing field and the current system isn't even.

I understand there are large numbers of women dieing at the hands of abussive men. I'm not sure how we can fix this but to punish men for simply running away from a beating isn't it. Imagine your son or grandson making a mistake and being with a woman like this. Getting beaten and then going to jail for it. Saving his child from an abussive woman only to give the child right back to the abusser. They blame a husband for doing nothing to prevent his wife from drowning their 5 children. I don't now I see why he did nothing. Don't you? Then they wonder why I'm so pissed when I think what could of happened or could have been. I'm just a man so I guess I don't have a right to defend myself and my children in my own home.
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 344
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Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/10/2011 9:34:33 AM

at least verygreeneyez has the "balls" to admit responsibility for picking the men she did. what about the rest of the stupid women on this thread? when y'all gonna take responsibility for the trash y'all chose???


Then males are passive objects like a toy doll sits on the shelf and wait to be picked???
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 345
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/10/2011 10:31:04 AM

at least verygreeneyez has the "balls" to admit responsibility for picking the men she did. what about the rest of the stupid women on this thread? when y'all gonna take responsibility for the trash y'all chose???

Then males are passive objects like a toy doll sits on the shelf and wait to be picked???

I seriously doubt that's what's meant at all. When I personally state "I picked him...." it's true. No one put a gun to my head and made me marry someone. No one told me I'd lose life and/or limb if I didn't venture into my most recent failure. So yes, I picked them. I chose to be with every single person from my past. But I can state, not one of them were passively waiting for me to wander down the single-male-isle and jumped in my cart when I pointed and said, "I'll take that one." There is an element of "picking" when people get into something, including the simplest meet/greet. BUT? We are sharing our thoughts from our own side. I can't post "I wanted her and she wanted me, so we picked each other." Sheesh ~ come on! You're a smart guy, you know exactly what's meant by these types of comments such as, "I picked him/her."
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 346
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/10/2011 10:52:46 AM

how bout that. cedar77 calls it like it is and gets ridiculed for it. you just can't make this crap up. women are like liberals......they make stupid choices in men, but want to blame someone else for what they're going through.

at least verygreeneyez has the "balls" to admit responsibility for picking the men she did. what about the rest of the stupid women on this thread? when y'all gonna take responsibility for the trash y'all chose???


socoj74 socoj74 socoj74. First of all I didn't ridicule him. Secondly why are you here if you make such great decisions in women? Or if your really such a prize why are you still single? Are you a soldier over seas? Hope the government doesn't have the budget to afford your body armor and your on the front lines. We really need to thin out the population of men like you. Really really thin.



The particular one I knew happened to choose strong women and that choice eventually proved his downfall because we weren't afraid of his pathology or afraid to stand up and disclose information when asked.


Define strong. You got to remember artful your definition of strong is different than someone who is mentally ill. From his view point there are things he viewed as weaker than most. They don't go after the strong at all from their perspective. Someone who may have a big heart compassion care a great deal for their children and others can be viewed as weak by someone like this. Understand?

You have to look at it from their perspective to see why they choose you or vice versa or both. Cause you kind of choose each other. Someone easily manipulated with many good things to have held over your head. Going through all of your personal stuff to try and control every piece of information that comes in or out of you. I use a definition as meek. Someone who may appear weak but is very strong. A sleeping giant of sorts. I'm a very meek guy that if you saw in person you may view as a weak person. My capabilities are unreal though. It's far more complicated than to just say these types are attracted to weak or strong people. I have no doubt they are attracted to what THEY view as weak easily manipulated people. I think the thing we are missing is their view is completely different than ours.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 350
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/10/2011 7:00:23 PM

We should never pretend we don't know what an NPD is when one is staring us straight in the face. It really IS okay to recognize them and respond accordingly. In fact, it may just save our lives.

OK, I'm all for your personal story and how you had to live the after-math. But quite honestly? You have a penchant for insulting anyone that doesn't see people as you do. Not everyone runs around with a Master's Degree/Ph.d in Psych capable/educated enought to diagnose strangers.) Even if you or someone else here did have that capability??? It's not the least bit appropriate for anyone who has that type of degree to diagnose someone they've never seen/spoken to. If you personally can "diagnose" someone at a glance or via a post on a free website? Bottle and sell that gift because there are many state/federal agencies that would pay you BIG money!!!!! Even the most skilled investigator/therapist/criminal pro-filer has never perfected that particular gift. As for your "saving our lives" comment? I've held my tongue for a couple of years with you and quite frankly? I think you are BEYOND over-zealous with paranoia about who's killing who and why. But that's just me, and until you made it clear here, today that you think some of us are damned idiots for NOT seeing a narcissist in the flesh at first glance? I just assumed you were on a crusade and that I should just let you be. Not so much now. Opinions are one thing, but making others feel like damned fools for doing EXACTLY what you have done (and likely more than once, from what you state here in forums) is just a judgmental person wishing they had lived their own life differently and pushing their angst on others. I don't need your angst....I have enough of my own and most likely? So others that haven't read your "How to avoid what I've done in my lifetime and do NOT be me" memoirs.

OY VEY!!! Enough already ~ some people think because they "survived" a bad scene they hold all the answers. That is simply ridiculous or we'd all be given a shot in the azz of whatever it was that made that person more intuitive than the rest of us. JMO
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 351
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Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/10/2011 7:25:29 PM
I can only say from my multiple experiences, I had to focus on my part in this dynamic. There was a toxic relationship pattern. Focusing on what they did kept me at that stage of repeating the cycle. Knowledge and learning are so important in changing my toxic pattern to a healthy pattern. @soco: we do make conscious choices, but at the same time we can be influenced by subconscious factors as well.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 353
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/11/2011 6:09:27 AM
<<<----- stupid girl here.

I had no idea what he was. Actually like verygreneyes
when I met him I knew something was a little"off".
I didn't think it was to any extent other than he
was a bit eccentric. That was it. A little different.
Interesting. Nothing I had ever encountered. Smart.
Almost genius but impulsive like a teenager. Really strange
but intriguing. I was hooked.


Actually the two most significant relationships
in my life were with distorted men.
I won't call them narcs as to not upset the doctors
here.

Bad boys??? No. Fccking assholes.

Did I recognize something was wrong?
At the very end I did with the one - with
the first it took me 15 Years to sort out
all the crap. I blamed me but it was him.

My mistake in both relationships was hanging on
to them for too long. I didn't know how to walk. I
was paralized by fear.

My part in these relationships- just being me.
I was who I was all along- a compassionate,
giving woman.

I did not "do" anything to provoke the bad
behavior nor did I recognize any of it as
part of a personality disorder.

I'm a pretty savy girl and I got fooled.

Anyone can.

Until I actually sought help because my world
was falling apart these last few months was I
informed there was a difference between "bad
behavior" and "personality disordered".

I'm not going to share my gruesome details here
but let's just say that I'm swimming in the
pool with verygreeneyes.

She nailed my life for the past four years.

I don't care if he has a diagnosis.

"I" know what I lived with and "I" know it
almost destroyed me.

I have been avoiding this thread because I knew
that most posters would just write it off as
wanting the bad boy- getting what you deserved-
or some fccking psycho babble about making better
choices blah blah blah.

Sorry but I will say this- unless you have " lived"
this and are on copious amounts of meds just to
stop the shaking inside your body and the rumination
in your mind- you should go jump off a fccking cliff
for kicks. That's how it feels. Crashing.

Have a nice day.
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 354
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/11/2011 6:20:12 AM
verygreeneyez

Thank you so much for seeing the whole picture for what it truly is. All I can say is bravo my dear you are a very intelligent well grounded individual and I way way underestimated that. I'm so very sorry for that.


You ask questions that no one has answers to like I have and your a NARCISSIST. Or you disagree with the determination of others and your a NARCISSIST. You state the facts and your a NARCISSIST. All I can say verygreeneyez is your not alone and the only one who sees this.



DSM-IV. All the personality disorders show up as deviations from normal in one or more of the following:
(1) cognition -- i.e., perception, thinking, and interpretation of oneself, other people, and events;
(2) affectivity -- i.e., emotional responses (range, intensity, lability, appropriateness);
(3) interpersonal functions;
(4) impulsivity.



Where are the lines of what is considered normal was asked by me. Now this is about being clinically NPD. Just so I'm clear. Well the percentage of people diagnosed with a personality disorder gives us an indication of where professionals draw those lines. Approximately 1.5% of men have a personality disorder of some kind and 1.5% of women have a personality disorder of some kind. So that's 1.5% chance to anyone meeting someone with a personality disorder if they emptied all the jails and asylums right now. What does this mean? That 98.5% of the population will agree that their behavior is the 4 things listed above on a regular basses.

So is it a safe bet to say the experts were right about my ex when she kills a cat and uses it's little limbs to write on the bedroom wall like she did? I think thats a safe bet to say 98.5% of the population is going to say this person has the issues listed above. No offense to gentle. I like you and I think your a cool guy. I'm just using it as an example again. Is it a safe bet to say 98.5% of the population is going to say the same thing about burnt corn? I personally don't think so. Who knows maybe I'm wrong.


As I've stated loud and clear throughout the entire thread you must take into account everything and not just what you want to see. When we talk about personality disordered people we are talking about the top 1.5% of the most screwed up people. It's like being a genius of crazy. No matter what I can't urge anyone willing enough to seek professional help especially if you believe you have come into contact with one of these people.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 355
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Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 9/11/2011 7:24:25 AM
@curlygrl: Thank you for sharing your experience. No judgments from me, just support. My main reason for sticking around in mine was I felt the need to fix it. Some run away quickly, I believe in problem solving. Also, your esteem takes a beating over a long period of time with somebody who drains your life force out bit by bit. Hang in there.
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