Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 KAT4EVR
Joined: 1/23/2005
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!Page 2 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
And you just described my ex husband. But, he hid it from me until we were married. For two years he managed to not be controlling, not abusive, not threatening, not cutting me off from my family and friends. But, when it started, it was here and there until it went full blown when I became pregnant.
It took me 3 more years to get out of the relationship finally. I thank my friends for helping me and staying in touch with me to keep me safe. He refused to go to a therapist because it wasn't him, it was me. Nope, I did not call him names, cut off his friends, call him 5 times a day to find out what he was doing (at work) or the numerous other things he did.
I don't care what type of personality you call it, it is unhealthy and dangerous.
I have met some very nice men since then, who helped me realize that he was dangerous and not normal.
Good luck out there.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 36
view profile
History
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/5/2011 2:21:12 PM
Narcissism is a hard thing to pin down. I just read that it truly exists on a continuum, ranging from a bit a being normal and health to having it affect those around badly.

Here's a rather timely article just published this month that offers some professional opinions and advice. If you see one of these characters- run for the hills.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201106/how-spot-narcissist
 mohoss
Joined: 7/12/2011
Msg: 37
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/5/2011 7:11:17 PM
Getting a professional diagnosis on a narcissist is futile. When people suspect they have a problem (ie, depression), they go in to get help. Narcissists do not believe they have a problem. They claim its everyone else who does. If they went into therapy or whatever, they would just complain about everyone else, and how horrible their lives are, and end up being sympathized with.

If someone else took them in - not only would they throw a shit-fit and claim nothing is wrong with them (the person taking them in would invariably be to blame, and at fault for being a "jerk"), they would put on a charade for the mental health professional. They are good actors. It's what they do. They present themselves as being something much different than they are. They show only what they want you to see. The professional would have no idea.

Professionals also make their diagnoses by a handbook. If they have x amount of listed symptoms in y period of time, or answer z amount of questions on a test, the diagnosis is made. Of course, there's more to it, but the narcissist will just lie about everything. They don't want to be helped. It doesn't even enter their minds that they have a problem. This is much different than, say, depression - where the person wants help.

The best way to determine is to actually spend a significant amount of time with one. It's not hard to figure out after a while. What the OP said is pretty spot-on, and there is plenty of research available out there for it.
 deere rancher
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 38
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/5/2011 7:55:57 PM
Sorry mohoss ,
The best way to determine , is definitly not trying to self diagnose a mental condition , but instead see a therapist, They can advise you on what to do and provide suggestions , that may even give the other partner reason to come back with you ,to see the therapist
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 39
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/5/2011 8:04:45 PM
Op here's the thing I've seen a lot of threads sense I've been here and every thread on this subject is very heated sometimes. Seems like people want something major to be wrong with their ex so they can deny the responsibility for the demise of a relationship. No matter how a person acts or what you think is wrong with them. How do you know your not the one with something wrong with you? Think about it. If I have a mental disorder I will be thinking my SO and the way they think and how they feel about things are off. So I suggest YOU go to a psychologist. YOU seek help find out how well grounded YOU are. Then make judgments about others if you wish.


Here's an example and by no means am I a professional but I noticed Miss redfish gf on another narc thread on here. I personally always found mental disorders and things of this nature very interesting. As a young man I always tried to hang with the special needs children as I found them so interesting and different. Mental health and the human mind have always been a passion of mine. I always wanted to pursue a career but felt I couldn't support my family as well doing it. I have a few friends who are psychologist. Very successful ones too. I've met a few NPDs and a few AsPDs and a few BPDs and a whole list of other mental disorders because of these friends. We have discussions all the time about things like this thread. In no way am I picking on you and by all means you can feel free to message me and tell me whatever you want. I'm just giving my own personal opinion and it's up to you to decide what that's worth. You just happen to be a perfect example of what I'm talking about.





I don't know if the man I was married to is a true narcissist or not but he is controlling and manipulative. I had participated in a long going thread on here about narcissists that was deleted for too much off topic replies and bickering back and forth.


You seem rather determined to make him one rather he is or not. Maybe it's concern for your children or what have you. I don't know but you do. Why haven't YOU gone to a psychologists? I haven't see a Psychologists on here to confirm or deny anyones accusations of their exes. They aren't here and the answers you seek aren't here. Maybe a trained professional you actually pay can help you though.




When we were dating I thought about breaking up after no contact for 3 weeks when he was away at college but he convinced me I wouldn't find anyone else. During our divorce and separation he told me if I left him he would fight dirty. When I was telling him I was thinking of moving out, he said how can you destroy something over feelings, I don't even think I have those. He tried getting me back by telling me he missed our kids but not me. He would laugh at me when I said I was happy alone. He told me over and over how everything was my fault and I destroyed our family. He filed for divorce less than a month after I moved out and started a bitter custody fight in court.

To this day he still tells our two boys, mommy is crazy and he wouldn't treat a dog the way I treated him. He has told me I will never meet a guy as nice as him and even though I'm in a relationship, this guy will leave me eventually and I'll be miserable without him (the ex). Sometimes he says things that are such nonsense I have to laugh and walk away. What I really wish would stop is his trying to manipulate the kids.


Do you know how many disorders do this and things just like it?


he said how can you destroy something over feelings, I don't even think I have those.


Do you think this automatically means NARC or Sociopath? Do you know how many people and disorders have this issue specifically? I can tell you and again I'm no professional but without a doubt in my mind this guy does not have a personality disorder at all. Well maybe a very small chance. If you have one and your not being harsh enough in this thread or the other thread on your descriptions of him then maybe. I do know what I think he has. I do know that if you don't figure out a way to work as a couple of co-parents and get on the same page you are BOTH going to be responsible for damages done to your children emotionally and mentally. I can give you advice about how to go about this but I suggest you get advice from a trained professional. I can also tell you more than likely he will convince the children to live with him when they are old enough to be able to legally decide for themselves if you don't fix this issue real soon. Just saying.


While married mostly it was verbal abuse but a few incidents of physical other than hitting so the bruises were not visible to others. I know there were signs of his controlling behavior when we were dating and it's my fault for ignoring them. But I will never regret having my two kids.


Here's the thing. Back to when I was in high school and I liked hanging out with the special needs kids while the other kids my age hit them and were verbally abusive I defended them. A particular special needs boy had a disorder I forgot the name of now. Basically he had an extra chromosome. I touched his shoulder my right hand on his left shoulder to let him know I was their. Like I would for a normal child. Somehow I hit a trigger for him and scared him. His disorder made him extraordinarily strong and he reacted to me.

He nearly pulled my head off my shoulders. Literally. It was an accident. He left no marks or bruises. He saw something that he viewed as a threat and reacted. Now maybe it was something simple or something you weren't aware of and I'm sure your ex seemed somewhat normal in some ways. I'm willing to bet you were being very emotional and were interrupting something he viewed as very important or you put your hands on him first and he reacted. What I'm saying is you hit some sort of unknown trigger. If he meant to abuse or injure you make no mistake about it he could have and would have. Again I could be way off here. Just my opinions.

Either way I implore you to go get help for yourself. I think I remember you saying something about both of you getting a court ordered evaluation. Although both of you passed they only tested or checked for disorders that would make yall incapable of caring for your children. NPD is one of those disorders they test for. So neither of you have a disorder that would make you incapable of taking care of your kids that don't mean you two are disorder free. Just saying.
 Silkybrunette
Joined: 6/20/2010
Msg: 40
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/5/2011 8:57:26 PM
That is a well written and true description of a narcissist. Thank you for sharing this for others to read. Hopefully it saves others from not experiencing this kind of relationship.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 41
view profile
History
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/6/2011 4:28:46 AM
kailania..there are numerous programs for your cell you can download and use.

Check online by googling "block numbers on my (insert your phone brand/model)"
 FatBottomGirI
Joined: 6/28/2011
Msg: 42
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/6/2011 5:24:25 AM
Okay I'm here. Let's talk about, me now. :-p
 sensualseekerns
Joined: 6/1/2010
Msg: 43
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/6/2011 6:44:59 AM

a doctor isn't going to necessarily break it down that way they simply realize you can't be fooled into thinking someone is simply a narcissist. watch your back and expect other demons to raise their heads.


There is a wide line between narcissistic behaviors and a textbook narcissist. Term is almost as incorrectly overused as the word "paranoid". You cannot merely describe social behavior patterns and assume they are core beliefs. There in lies the dividing line.

Narcissists simply are the way they are. It is how their brain works. Their behaviors are not as much intentional as hard wired. Some try to fit into society to hide their condition (because they know others do not like it) while those who have found benefit in using the condition to make great personal gains are the ones to be wary of. If a pattern of behavior that gives reward for being a arse seems to work for them, then they stick with it. The key is to teach them other behaviors that garner other benefits, without as much pain and costs to others. Narcissists can be well meaning like a normal person, but lack social cues that make them realize their behaviors is a problem.

Common obsessive behaviors that feed an ego on the other hand, appear very much narcissistic, but it is just a behavior that feeds another condition. Persons with personality disorders and psychopath/sociopath brains are also very narcissistic acting. If the person exhibits extremely unstable mood swings and behaviors then that is usually a sign of a different condition all together. A true narcissist does not get that upset over what other people think, and would not generally react so emotionally. A Narcissist is more likely to get upset over being challenged on their opinions, which as another poster mentioned describes half of the people on these forums.

Be careful using labels that describe behavior patterns, as behavior does not necessarily mean belief.

 KentuckyWoman3
Joined: 1/6/2011
Msg: 45
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/6/2011 12:14:54 PM
You have got it to a T. I wish I had learned this much sooner in my life. Good luck to you.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 47
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/6/2011 4:40:53 PM
Hey Op, well said. Have you read the article Romeo's Bleeding? It's a good one if not:

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/149774-Romeo-s-Bleeding-When-Mr-Right-Turns-Out-To-Be-Mr-Wrong

Mohoss:
Almost everyone I dated was a narcissist - due to my own shallow standards and save-a-ho mentality.
Lol... that made me laugh so hard! I enjoyed your post, it was well written. You might enjoy reading the above article as well.
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 48
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/6/2011 4:48:09 PM

re: A true narcissist does not get that upset over what other people think, and would not generally react so emotionally. A Narcissist is more likely to get upset over being challenged on their opinions, which as another poster mentioned describes half of the people on these forums.

Now hold on there just a cotton pickin minute ,who ,I want names ,just in case


I find this to be very true. I look at these posts sometimes and laugh at what people think and the monsters they create and whom they turn into monsters to fit their own means.

Human behavior is amazing and even normal people can be fascinating. Here's reality though there is no boogy man. Your chances of meeting dating and then marring one of these guys having children with one without major dysfunction in the home the entire time is in fact impossible. And by major I mean MAJOR.

Everyone thinks psychologists and other professionals don't know or can't recognize or someone can hide a disorder. Now granted with some this maybe true. You got to think though and even if you made a suggestion to your mental health professional that your ex has such and such disorder he may not tell you he does or doesn't even if he knows. Here's why.

And again not picking on you this is just to perfect an example not to use. The situation matches perfectly.
he said how can you destroy something over feelings, I don't even think I have those.
What does this say to people? To ms redfish it solidifies he is in fact a Narc. What does it really say? Is he lien? No he's being honest he has a hard time feeling and understanding feelings. He may have no emotions what so ever that are his own. Does this make him a NARC? Does this make him a psychopath? Will he eat her liver? Should she be scared? A lot of you will probably say yes. Heres reality if anything when he said this she should of been breathing a sigh of relief. No NARC or psychopath aka AsPD would EVER admit this to themselves much less anyone else.

That's the key clue to a professional. Little things like this add up. He for sure has something but it's not what she thinks it is. See when you have a personality disorder you not only tell lies you LIVE them. YOU ARE THE LIE!!! It's so deeply embedded into their personality that it makes them A. Nearly impossible for a regular person to ID if not impossible. B. They would never make this kind of break through no matter how much help they have gotten.

If Redfish goes to a mental health professional today and tells her story he will realize she has an issue. She may suggest its NARCISSISM and she may give her reasons why. The mental health professional is going to gather clues and realize her diagnosis is wrong but he isn't going to tell her what it really is. Why? Because it's his #1 job as a doctor to do no harm. What if he tells redfish exactly what her exes problem is. She realizes it's not his fault and it's fixable and tries and get back with him causing more damage in the process. So he will then make suggestions and you follow the suggestions on how to deal with your ex. When you come back the following week he will then see how those worked and adjust. Help you work through the issues yourself.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 49
view profile
History
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/6/2011 4:51:10 PM
1ukn4u
I'm willing to bet you were being very emotional and were interrupting something he viewed as very important or you put your hands on him first and he reacted. What I'm saying is you hit some sort of unknown trigger. If he meant to abuse or injure you make no mistake about it he could have and would have. Again I could be way off here. Just my opinions.



I'm one of the few who admitted my ex was never diagnosed as a Narcissist but for some reason you chose me as an example. Your assumptions are completely wrong, you are way off. It would take too long to write everything down and I don't feel it's necessary to participate in this thread.

Why people come on the forums and criticize others for believing they might have been involved with a Narc is beyond me. Why not leave those of us who think we may of to reply? And for your information, to say I was asking for it is absurd. I was trying to sleep when my ex made a bruise on my inner thigh because I wouldn't have sex with him. He grabbed me in this area other times and then would laugh. It was abuse but not hitting. He also threatened with fist raised to hit me once to knock some sense into me. I didn't share his opinion on something and he is ALWAYS right.



She realizes it's not his fault and it's fixable and tries and get back with him causing more damage in the process.



And I don't care if he is one or not, there is no way in Hell I would go back to him.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 50
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/6/2011 4:56:05 PM
The defence mechanism of projection is also classic...
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 51
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/6/2011 6:54:38 PM

I'm one of the few who admitted my ex was never diagnosed as a Narcissist but for some reason you chose me as an example.


I explained why I chose you as an example. It's to classic and perfect. I'm sorry your upset. Sometimes it's best to tell someone what they need to hear and not what they want to hear.

My intentions are not to criticize or critique anything. Why would you think this unless you are modifying your story in some way. Your story is your story. It won't change. Neither will his diagnosis. At the end of the day if I had said "Oh WOW redfish THATS HORRIBLE!!!!". What would that change? The specifics of the abuse are unimportant. I'm not a mental health professional. Neither is anyone else here. Even if they were a mental health professional what help can they offer via the internet? So again you can't fix the problems of everyone else. What you can do something about is YOU.

So again I implore you to go seek help. Not because I think that you are disordered, or have your own problem as an individual, but because you have a problem dealing with someone who maybe disordered and you need help with that issue. As I stated the mental health professional can help.



And I don't care if he is one or not, there is no way in Hell I would go back to him.


I got a good sense of this. That's another part of what makes you a perfect example.


Far as I'm concerned this maybe my last post. I could care less what you decide to do. It's your kids and your life not mine. However I'm not the one spinning my wheels spoutting out the same thing across the same forums for years by the dates of some of those posts I read. In years your still RIGHT here POSTING away. For what? How is this fixing your situation? I'm just making an observation and a suggestion.

Good Luck :)
 sensualseekerns
Joined: 6/1/2010
Msg: 52
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/6/2011 7:50:25 PM
Why people come on the forums and criticize others for believing they might have been involved with a Narc is beyond me. Why not leave those of us who think we may of to reply? And for your information, to say I was asking for it is absurd.


Your wounds are still evident miss. What I think the last poster says is valid. If you are not dealing with a good therapist that specialized in these kind of situations, then you should. For your health and the health of those who depend on you.

imho
 YeahImBlond
Joined: 6/7/2010
Msg: 53
view profile
History
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/6/2011 8:14:44 PM
I have scanned through many of the posts on this thread and I am very sad with the response you have all had. Obviously NONE of you have gone through the nightmare of being involved with a mate who has NPD.

After 11 years of marriage I finally had enough courage and strength to toss mine out. But let me tell you...it has not been easy. I have 2 children that he continues to threaten me with. I tossed him out 8 years ago and he still causes issues in my life.

And yes...he was DX with NPD, but of course the Dr who gave him the DX was nuts and had no idea what he was talking about. I was warned by that Dr that when I finally decided to leave him I had to be at my strongest point mentally as it would be the biggest struggle of my life.

The stories I could tell you of how I had to live my life while married would make your head spin and the things I still have to deal with are unheard of. And there is NOTHING anyone can or will do to stop him as he knows just how far to push the limits without getting in trouble. I fear the day he finally snaps. I hope I am not anywhere near him.

SO....to wrap this up...NPD is very real and very scary for anyone having to deal with someone who this aweful disease for which there is no cure.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 54
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/6/2011 8:35:42 PM
^^ A personality disorder cannot really be considered a disease. I mean sure, it constitutes a mental illness, but a disease for which there is no cure? That's a stretch.

Since they are the only ones preventing said cure.
 FunOutdoorsy
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 55
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/7/2011 6:13:20 AM
I think I just made some smart decisions :) The last girl I was dating displayed some of these signs... the fight came when she wanted me to change or give up some of my friends and a few other items. I stood my ground and she spend 2 hours belittling me (I shouldnt have stayed that long :) )

I wish her luck but I think she has a few things to learn before she is truely happy....
 sensualseekerns
Joined: 6/1/2010
Msg: 56
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/7/2011 11:15:39 AM

I have scanned through many of the posts on this thread and I am very sad with the response you have all had. Obviously NONE of you have gone through the nightmare of being involved with a mate who has NPD.


Obviously you did not read ALL of the posts.

Please do not let your specific pain blind you to the pain and experiences that others have attempted to share.
 Kimber2012
Joined: 7/14/2011
Msg: 57
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/7/2011 3:02:55 PM
You have just described my ex-husband.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 58
view profile
History
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/7/2011 3:21:41 PM
sensualseekerns
Your wounds are still evident miss. What I think the last poster says is valid. If you are not dealing with a good therapist that specialized in these kind of situations, then you should. For your health and the health of those who depend on you.



Thanks!

I don't deny the emotional scars are still there but luckily I don't have to deal with my ex too often. What bothers me though is the way he STILL talks about me to the children. No amount of therapy would stop him and at least my children are smart enough to see through it.

Since my ex claimed I was crazy, we by court order all had to be evaluated by a psychologist and he didn't find out anything I hadn't already known. My ex is too authoritative, not affectionate etc. I was told I was co dependent and would jump into another bad relationship but I waited years before even dating again.


These evaluations were done individually but FOC had us come to meetings together. They could see the way he wouldn't let me explain my side and EVERYTHING was my fault.


Maybe he's a Narcissist and maybe not but the only thing that mattered was our personalities are not compatible. And even though he tells me I'm the unstable one and can't have a lasting relationship, he has NOT had a relationship since. Which from what I've read, is one trait unlike most people with NPD.
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 59
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/7/2011 5:05:32 PM

I don't deny the emotional scars are still there but luckily I don't have to deal with my ex too often. What bothers me though is the way he STILL talks about me to the children. No amount of therapy would stop him and at least my children are smart enough to see through it.


No amount of posting will get him to stop. With therapy atleast theres a chance. A far better chance than sitting on a thread and posting.




Since my ex claimed I was crazy, we by court order all had to be evaluated by a psychologist and he didn't find out anything I hadn't already known. My ex is too authoritative, not affectionate etc. I was told I was co dependent and would jump into another bad relationship but I waited years before even dating again.



I see your co dependence in your profile alone. There's a reason they think you would possibly jump into a bad relationship.




Maybe he's a Narcissist and maybe not but the only thing that mattered was our personalities are not compatible. And even though he tells me I'm the unstable one and can't have a lasting relationship, he has NOT had a relationship since. Which from what I've read, is one trait unlike most people with NPD.


First of all the only thing that matters is the two of you can function like two grown adult co-parents working together to raise your children the best that you both can. Not dealing with your ex is not the answer. A trained professional helping you to learn how to deal with your ex is important. It's not about you and your exes past issues. It's not about you and your current relationship and those issues. It's about your kids being raised as well as possible.



Just another example of the hypocracy on this thread and others like it. How many have posted a person with NPD would NEVER go seek help? Yet you point out the problems and how maybe the person who has said this and things like this in their posts and they refuse to seek help?

Your not going to listen redfish so it really don't matter what I or others say. Does posting and spouting off about an ex help you cope perhaps? Are you having trouble coping with things and feel the need to get that out somehow?

I say this.


I'm willing to bet you were being very emotional and were interrupting something he viewed as very important or you put your hands on him first and he reacted. What I'm saying is you hit some sort of unknown trigger. If he meant to abuse or injure you make no mistake about it he could have and would have. Again I could be way off here. Just my opinions.


Your reply is this.


Your assumptions are completely wrong, you are way off. And for your information, to say I was asking for it is absurd.



Yet your 1 example that you provided that was supose to debunk my assumptions is this.


I was trying to sleep when my ex made a bruise on my inner thigh because I wouldn't have sex with him.


Do you not see how you have really just backed up exactly what I said? Kind of humerous really!lol

Also what part of what I wrote suggests you had it coming? In my example did I deserve to have my head pulled off for putting my hand on his shoulder? So what makes you think any part of what I've said suggests you had it coming? Please feel free to quote me.


I'm starting to believe redfish is possibly disordered. It's a favorite disorder of mine though.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 60
view profile
History
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/7/2011 5:18:12 PM
1ukn4u
he nearly pulled my head off my shoulders. Literally. It was an accident. He left no marks or bruises. He saw something that he viewed as a threat and reacted. Now maybe it was something simple or something you weren't aware of and I'm sure your ex seemed somewhat normal in some ways. I'm willing to bet you were being very emotional and were interrupting something he viewed as very important or you put your hands on him first and he reacted. What I'm saying is you hit some sort of unknown trigger. If he meant to abuse or injure you make no mistake about it he could have and would have. Again I could be way off here. Just my opinions.



Ok, you're the expert, you win.


 sensualseekerns
Joined: 6/1/2010
Msg: 61
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/7/2011 5:21:03 PM

I'm starting to believe redfish is possibly disordered. It's a favorite disorder of mine though.


It is not at all unusual for people in pain to seek attention sub-consciously through such means. Even negative attention tends to satisfy the anxiety some people are burdened with after surviving such situations.


First of all the only thing that matters is the two of you can function like two grown adult co-parents working together to raise your children the best that you both can. Not dealing with your ex is not the answer. A trained professional helping you to learn how to deal with your ex is important. It's not about you and your exes past issues. It's not about you and your current relationship and those issues. It's about your kids being raised as well as possible.


I agree completely with lukn4 on this. The collateral possibilities require that you do things differently then you currently are, as clearly your current approach is not working in your eyes.

No one is denying the injustice you have suffered, or that you clearly feel there is no way to have closure on it given the ex's hanging about. There are other options in dealing with this, and keeping a paper trail of dates and times and events of any of his abusive behaviors is recommended for legal admission in court. A therapist or psychologist's word can also carry a lot of weight with the courts in the event things have to escalate to that level. Better you first seek a way to make peace then war, but sadly life requires you prepare and plan for both. Please make sure your kids have some access to help as well.

If you fear him that much, seek a restraining order if the psychologist you dealt with recommends it.

Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >