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 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 50
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
that is not a crisis, look around, that is par for the course. Its just that it happened to you, instead of him coming home from a business trip and finding a note on the fridge. Been going on for decades. Nothing of a crisis too it.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 59
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/23/2011 2:16:48 PM
My recent school of thought is that there is no way in hell you are going to be able to understand why people just all of a sudden get up and do stupid things. (ya can't fix stupid!!!) It's a great business for the medical field to go around start labelling people for their actions, but either/or, they act like morons, and again, ya can't fix stupid. And really, why would you or should you care????? For closure????? Don't look at him for closure, look in the mirror.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 61
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/23/2011 8:22:56 PM
To answer the question posed in the title line, I don't want to recover. I'm rather enjoying. For the first time in my life I'm acting my age....by not acting my age. Isn't that ironic?
As for the rest of it, I don't think it was a midlife crisis. From what you say, it appears there were problems left unattended in the marriage. IMHO, it seems you both had some issues but weren't communicating them to each other.
 Laha Math
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 62
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/23/2011 8:43:37 PM
OP: Blissfulllaldy you are not. Look up "bliss" in the dictionary. Obessivelady is more like it. You need help. You say there is no counselling or support in the UK. Find things to occupy your mind so you are not thinking about this all the time. Find challenging things which are hard to do so you have to concentrate. You could use some vigourous exercise. Move on. Good luck.
 KIWI3nme
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 63
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/23/2011 8:59:37 PM
OP, you are in serious mourning for what you had, or the ILLUSION of what you thought you had. You need to think, and heal your wounds. It sounds like you are a successful woman and smart, and are probally wondering where in my perect world did I go wrong? OP YOU MAY NEVER FIND HE ANSWER TO THAT. I think yu are searching for an answer you may not get, and are spending FAR TOO MUCH TIME dwelling on this.

I was married once upon time too, and i can relate to the wandering eye and the bored hubby, and he had an "early MLC". He was desperate to get out and be young and foolish again. He craved it like candy He just wasnt cut out for married life and missed the wild party girl he fell in love with but she grew up and let him behind.

Some men just wake up one day and take a good hard look at thier marriage, and instead of working to fix any problems they deside its better to run than spend the time and fuss working on it. Thats the wussy-assed way out.

I too had to go to councelling, and spent LOTS of months being angry and bitter but then after talking to ppl i began to realize that NO... it wasnt my fault per se.. It was HIM not being ready, commited enough, patient, and mature.

You have to stop being the victim and killing yerself with negative energy. YOU CANT CHANGE THE UNWILLING, AND I CANNOT CHANGE WHAT U DO NOT ACKNOWLEGE.

as long as you continue to let him haunt you, and are trying to igure out what you did wrong, just smile and say im going to have the best goddam life now that hes gone and go out and DO IT.

dont let those who hurt you predict you future. They were your past, and thats where they belong.
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 64
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/23/2011 10:26:44 PM
It's been a long time since I've been broken up. It's truly destabilizing and so bad that I don't relish getting involved for the tumult that comes after. These days, relationships fail more than not--it's the world we live in--erosion of morality. I'm not religious, but people seem to justify lying, cheating, sexualizing everything--god forbid we have any friendships or sisterhood, brotherhood or do anything truly selfless. Opportunism is the malaise.
There are good people left, but tread carefully. With time, you can recover your spirit.
 for4rums_loner_here
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 67
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 2:04:11 AM
"""""""""""" I put this down to the fact that in 49 years Ive only had 3 partners,all long term,and now i'm the age I am, dating seems such a challenge, thats why I joined Plenty of fish, to try and move on and let my past go."""""""""""""""

Funny, same here. I had three relationships in the 49-year-long first part of my life: with my mother, grandmother, and daughter. In the last 10 years, though, nothing.

I applaud your wisdom. You joined Plentyof fish to move on, and also, more importantly, to let go of your past. In these aspects I believe you are doing the best you possibly can.

Some people might sneer at you, but they are ignorant. You remember the Sting song, "if you love some somebody, let them go, if they love you too, get them to come back"? Now, if you DON"T love somebody, then you have to cling like crazy, and if they don't love you too, then eventually they'll get the heck reluctantly out of there.

You are a philosopher as well as a lover.

------------------

I like that woman's comment, I see her on the forums quite a bit, with the head-shot (not with her head shot off, mind you), who said the guy saw a window of opportunity when you were away for a night, probably the first and only time in sixteen years, and he jumped out that window and ran like crazy.

Maybe you are so shocked because you never expected the inevitable. To see a man you sit on for sixteen years so he can't move and he's completely pinned down, run, is something you can only blame yourself for, because it was YOU who stood up off of him for a minute. Ey, ey.

I mean, you are all sorry for yourself and stuff, but can you imagine the guy? He was suffocating for sixteen of the best years of his life. You had sixteen blissful years at least... he has to make up for a lot of time of no air in is lungs, no room to move in is life.

I mean, I don't envy you, but c'mon, let the guy have some what is due to him.
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 69
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 9:04:29 AM
I am very sorry for your experience. I can tell your upset. You're sizing up the other woman and making comparisons between you and her. It doesn't matter what his reasons are. Don't rationalize his behavior or make excuses for him. Sure, you can try to understand what YOU had to do with it and learn, but don't shoulder all the blame.

He left you. I suppose you could try to salvage a 16 year relationship that involves an affair. I think your being naive. He wasn't just seeing the woman with three kids. He was shagging her. He probably feels guilty and is now trying to recover by putting a guilt trip on you for not trusting him? Living with his parents? What a bum.

I personally think you should call it the quits and get a good attorney to protect your money so you don't pay him spousal support. Take time to heal and move on. Peace.
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 71
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 12:38:46 PM
The OP is no longer on POF, why are people still trying to answer her post??? LOL
 pattie2014
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 72
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 12:51:48 PM
Just google mid life crisis and there are some websites that may help you. Its one thing about midlife crisises
they usually start around the age 46 and for men can last 5-10 years. Women 2-5 years. Its one thing
having head knowledge about mid life crisises and its another thing actually going through it. I wish you the
best of luck!
 toooldtoplay
Joined: 1/27/2013
Msg: 73
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 12:53:26 PM
How do you recover from a mid life crisis? You don't do it by asking what happened. Shit happens and hanging on to the remains of it is your choice. You won't recover from it until it becomes your past and then you can start your present, then possibly work on your future. It is during the midlife when the crises happened, not much anyone can do about that.
 dancestap
Joined: 1/27/2013
Msg: 74
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 1:04:04 PM
Women go through menopause, men have mid life crisis. Mine went through one approaching 45. Spending money, affair with receptionist who was younger and once his money was gone (company they worked for shut down) she left him and during the whole time, still had her younger boyfriend. He was a lovesick puppy. I find out he was in love with her from the day he hired her, 5 yrs prior. She made the move and he fell, hook, line and sinker. You did your job, supported him for how long? It's all about you now. Enjoy your life without him.
 for4rums_loner_here
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 75
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 3:15:19 PM
""""""""""""The OP is no longer on POF, why are people still trying to answer her post??? LOL """""""""""""

Ur a realist, aren't you, boy.

"Ghostbusters." There is nothing wrong in helping out a ghost with good advice. True, she may still be alive, the OP, but if she is, she is probably a zombie, heavily sedated, sitting in a spot in a mental asillyum, and tearing at a yarn nervously all day long, day after day.

Answer this question, instead, please: If we had one day a forum user whom we influenced with our replies, each one of us; would it invalidate all these millions of posts, the usual, regular ones, which we use only to show how brilliant we are, each one of us individually?

I hardly think so. It's never about the original poster, or the topic. It's always about us, how smart we each think we are and how we enjoy imagining that people on the forums think so too.
 for4rums_loner_here
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 76
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 3:27:43 PM
Erm, never mind. I was just showing how I, personally, can rationalize the cognitive dissonance of being stupid while not liking to be stupid.

In fact, I established a theory some time ago, that the meaning of human life is to go through it from beginning to end, and always trying to avoid being stupid. This is the penultimate motivator, to which all other motivating forces of behaviour are merely footnotes.

You don't want to get fired at work, because then you'll look stupid.

You don't want to fall off the train at full speed, coz you'll look stupid.

You don't want to marry the ugliest bear in the forest, coz you'll look stupid.

You don't want to come in last on the calculus test at college, coz you'll look stupid.

---------------------

But since it can't be avoided to never look not stupid, humans have perfected the art of rationalizing cognitive dissonance.

"I stole the DVDs from Walmart not because I am stupid, but because I thought the opportunity was there." Works why a man cheats on his wife, why a student cheats on his final exam to become a phyisician, why a priest screws the altar boys, etc. etc. The explanation offered by the culprit is never "because I was stupid". He is never stupid.

Conversely, winners are never stupid. He led his three-man horsedrawn carriage into the camp of the marauders, but he was smart, because they all died of food poisoning a few minutes later, and he came out with a carriage full of gold and poooosssies.

He ran the half marathon, and he won, with a world record title, because he got so dizzie at one point, that he hallucinated that the arrow pointing his way was pointing some different direction, and he inadvertently found a short cut. Nobody noticed, he was now a world-class ranking runner.

He beat the champion in tennis, but he had to act humble, because he would have been called arrogant if he shows his pride and his joy over the win. So he is not stupid, although it takes him a lot of courage and mental energy to resist the temptation to jump up and donw, and say to his opponent, "nyah, nyah, neener neener, I won, and now I will get the cash and the medal and the chicks." If he did that, he would be cast out of the public's liking, and that would be really stupid.

So when you are stupid, it is easier to explain you are not stupid, than when you are not stupid in the first place, and yet to emphasize that.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 77
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 3:40:42 PM
The way opp explains it about him earning appitance . I knew a couple men where their wife made the most money and payed most of the bills . Those wives never failed to rub their husbands nose in it every chance they got . Whats the old saying , a man can only take so much . That's probably what happened in this case .
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 78
view profile
History
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 2/6/2013 4:07:52 PM
The funny thing about mid-age crises is a factor that triggers it, because many people men and women go through it, and plenty don’t go over the deep end, but many do.

So, with that being said, your husband just didn’t give a c rap about you and him anymore as the couple you were once. Believe it when I say that he just didn’t love you in the right ways…. I’m sorry to say that but it’s the brutal truth. and the one truth you must accept. It’s no longer about you, it’s all about him now, and that’s his attitude at this point in his life.

The truth that is hard to believe, but you must start realizing that he fell out of love with you.

I’m going to take a long shot guess, and here goes: You were away and you came home, and it sounds like he was tired of sitting there alone.

I don’t mean to be facetious but you probably like most women got settled in and just was going with the flow of everyday life…. Nothing wrong with that when you are with somebody who is willing to have the same lifestyle , but it changes when the SO feels neglected. Men really feel like this when their women start having children.

I read once that when men have affairs or mistresses, it’s not because of the good looks they are looking for and it’s not all about the sex or that they don’t love their wives or SO. Why men cheat and go with younger women (in your case), is because of the lack of “attention” they didn’t get, or weren’t getting at home. Another good example in mid-age crisis is the total make over’s, the sports car, etc… It all about creating attention and drawing attention to themselves from others. People are looking at them, and they start flaunting the cash, and the young girls come running, or in your case, the younger guys like the cougars.

So basically it’s all about attention, that’s it!

You just need dear heart to realize you had a very insecure husband and one that is very self-serving, at least in the end he got that way.

If you reversed the role you are in, went and reinvented your looks, the way you dressed, and started dating, and you were so very nice to him when you saw him. He would go nuts! As long as you stay the same, look the same, be the same, he’ll never look back, not that you want him to, but it sure would make you feel great if he started to see you in a different light.

So, take care of yourself, don’t beat yourself, don’t think you didn’t do enough, maybe you probably didn’t because most women can’t be a man’s mama all through the marriage and all through the golden years.

Move on…. Enjoy your life, for its too short to waste it on something as quicksand.
Best of Luck,
Jan

P.S. I sure enjoy being single!
 deltaflyer12
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 79
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/11/2013 4:17:21 AM
hi blissfulllady:

This happened to me when my former wife and soul mate dropped the "BOMB" after a 28 year marriage so I know what pain is all about, a great guide for me was the web site Hero Spouse it explains in detail with loads of free articles without joining and I suggest you start with the article called Monster and go from there.

I found after reading the articles several times the situation became clearer academically however the injustice and pain remained, the self recovery articles helped to make me focus on my self and rebuild my qualities, the reason he went for the younger girl is replay behaviour and a return to his youth and infatuation with multiple women, she would be the opposite of you in every respect as to be with someone like you would bring back guilty memmories that he is avoiding responsibility for.

The article states midlife crisis in men lasts between 2-7 years and I would think he would have been half way through when he abandoned you, it takes about 2-3 years for them to transition into a place where they accept responsibility for their actions and he may try several touch and go contacts with you to test the way you feel about him during this growing up period,
Good luck the article worked for me and I hope it helps you on your journey.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 80
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/11/2013 6:05:25 AM
I am sure you probably rubbed his face in the fact he only made a pittance many times .In this new age of women repeatedly telling men they don't need them , why should it be a surprise to them when a guy has had enough and leaves . One problem that women do not understand is that men actually need to feel needed . Because if you do not need the guy , he probably won't want to stick around . I know for myself the last thing I would want to be around is a person that makes me feel unneeded . So many profiles stating how strong and independent they are ,probably the main reason they are divorced or single .
 house_full_of_bullets
Joined: 8/22/2011
Msg: 81
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/11/2013 6:15:47 AM
You don't "recover" from a mid life crisis. You grow out of it.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 82
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/11/2013 6:34:47 AM
You're absolutely right...."house full of bullets".....like any crisis in life....you learn to pull up your socks...take a deep breath and move on.
Don't keep harboring the "bad thoughts/feelings"...it just drags you down for the rest of your life....seen that with many people who just can't "let it go"...
Surround yourself with family and good friends and realize "all" people are not the same....start spending time and energy on yourself...for a change.
Good Luck!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 83
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/11/2013 8:00:11 AM

Don't keep harboring the "bad thoughts/feelings"...it just drags you down for the rest of your life....seen that with many people who just can't "let it go"...

I cannot IMAGINE where one would encounter people like that...
I swear there are some people put on this Earth to have a WHOLE -life crisis. I can only speculate that the Unverse does this to provide us all with a learning experience.
Off the top of my head, I'd say if you feel you have been victimized by somone else's MLC, why not counter that by having one of your own?
Seems reasonable to me...
Cindy O
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 84
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/12/2013 6:52:18 AM
Post is from 2011, OP is long since gone.....
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 85
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/12/2013 8:18:02 AM
Despite the OT being posted a couple of years ago, and the OP no longer having a membership under that ID-this is a topic that will always be relevant as long as men and women try to resolve issues, ease emotional pain, or self-comfort by (figuratively!) knifing a spouse or SO in the back, by infidelity.

I often wonder if this is not so much a "midlife" crisis as it is an accumulation of irritation, frustration,whatever!
that finally comes to a head in the middle years.

Kind of a side note, I find it interesting, in a discussion venue where men often rant if they are expected to pay for a woman's cup of coffee-that it is also a sore point if their spouse or SO is a higher earner! Oh, I have no doubt that some women may hold that over their SOs head,or treat their SO as being somewhat incompetent, or allow their alpha female status to resonate a littel TOO loudly.
But I can also point out that there was a time in our social history-not all that long ago,even!- where it was the man who was the generator of dollars, and if you think there weren't men who didn't use that as a means to control and belittle their SO, you need a history lesson.

So, if the subject makes anyone uncomfortable, so that they protest "old thread"-the thread may be old, but the general situation that sparked its' writing is one that goes on.
I happen to think that infidelity is a fairly common source of silent revenge or perhaps even a form of self-comfort
for a person who feels trapped in a marriage or committed relationship. While I will never support or excuse infidelity, I think I can understand how it may become a outlet for someone who is unhappy in their marriage.
I also think that sometimes it is just an unfortunate series of events/circumstances that bring the infidelity to light and precipitate drastic reactions and responses.

So, regardless of the initial specific cause of THIS particular thread being "old"-it remains a relevant topic.

For men who feel that higher achieving women belittle their men, I can only suggest that they steel their wallets and their patience, and find mates among underachieving and incompetent women, right from the start. Levering themselves upward by having a highly achieving wife, just so they can go seek out an underachieving,less competent side piece (or subsequent SO) is just as bad as women who "rub their mens' noses in" their higher earnings/accomplishments.
Cindy O
 Tsar850
Joined: 3/23/2013
Msg: 86
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/12/2013 10:20:52 AM
In this case the OP which is now gone was trying to seem educated however if you actually read her post you will see words miss used some that haven't been in use since the 1600's and then the miss use of some very common words.

While she is now gone this post seems like a cry for attention and an attempt to show how great she was.
Which you have to ask yourself if she was so great why did her husband leave?

Learning to see the red flags or in this case the heaping pile of bovine fertilizer is imperative to understanding the current dating scene.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 87
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/12/2013 2:58:15 PM

In this case the OP which is now gone was trying to seem educated however if you actually read her post you will see words miss used some that haven't been in use since the 1600's and then the miss use of some very common words.

Who the hell cares!?
I for one hand NO TROUBLE understanding her post- and-FYI- we can't know for sure because the OP no longer has a profile-but words/phrases like " made redundant" and "pittance" are Queens' English still in use. Perhaps she is a resident of Canada, the UK or the "Land Down Under"( Australia, New Zealand,Tasmania)...( sometimes referred to as "Oceania")


Learning to see the red flags or in this case the heaping pile of bovine fertilizer is imperative to understanding the current dating scene.

Really? A topic about a failed marriage (which the OP believes is due to her hubby's midlife crisis) has WHAT to do with the "current dating scene"?
Cindy O
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