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 Tsar850
Joined: 3/23/2013
Msg: 86
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
In this case the OP which is now gone was trying to seem educated however if you actually read her post you will see words miss used some that haven't been in use since the 1600's and then the miss use of some very common words.

While she is now gone this post seems like a cry for attention and an attempt to show how great she was.
Which you have to ask yourself if she was so great why did her husband leave?

Learning to see the red flags or in this case the heaping pile of bovine fertilizer is imperative to understanding the current dating scene.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 87
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/12/2013 2:58:15 PM

In this case the OP which is now gone was trying to seem educated however if you actually read her post you will see words miss used some that haven't been in use since the 1600's and then the miss use of some very common words.

Who the hell cares!?
I for one hand NO TROUBLE understanding her post- and-FYI- we can't know for sure because the OP no longer has a profile-but words/phrases like " made redundant" and "pittance" are Queens' English still in use. Perhaps she is a resident of Canada, the UK or the "Land Down Under"( Australia, New Zealand,Tasmania)...( sometimes referred to as "Oceania")


Learning to see the red flags or in this case the heaping pile of bovine fertilizer is imperative to understanding the current dating scene.

Really? A topic about a failed marriage (which the OP believes is due to her hubby's midlife crisis) has WHAT to do with the "current dating scene"?
Cindy O
 Tsar850
Joined: 3/23/2013
Msg: 88
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/12/2013 3:05:56 PM
I care when someone posts just to get a ego trip out of it. If you don't agree fine but I see someone that is trying very hard to convince themselves they were perfect and the entire blame lies in the husband.

People like this are a sinkhole waiting to happen in the dating world so yeah it has a lot to do with the current dating scene.

Sorry my opinion bothers you so much it must have struck a nerve with you on a personal level for a out lash like this to be your retort.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 89
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/12/2013 3:08:32 PM
^^^ And note too, Cindy, that while there must have been something wrong with her because her husband cheated and left, when some men are in that very same situation and it's suggested maybe they had something to do with the ex-wife cheating, those men get all butthurt, declare what a great life wifey had and then want to know why anyone would try to justify cheating. Obviously, men and women both cheat because women are evil. (where's that little devil icon when you need him?).
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 90
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/12/2013 3:45:14 PM
"In this case the OP which is now gone was trying to seem educated however if you actually read her post you will see words miss used some that haven't been in use since the 1600's and then the miss use of some very common words."


Would that be kind of like using "miss used" instead of misused? :)
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 91
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/12/2013 3:47:22 PM
This isn't just a male thing. Females go through it too. Some people hit a point in their life where they look at here they think they need to be, and subconsciously (or consciously) feel life has passed them by; and they need somehow to jolt themselves into actually living rather than going through the motions like they feel they have been doing for years.

Usually it involves things that make them feel like htey will seem younger; even though a lot of the time it actually has the opposite effect; many times it includes toys, makeovers, travel, entire dismantling of families and a total recreation.

When half the time; the person did not take the time to know who they ere in the first place. They just felt they missed out; and that the person they were with "kept" them from finding their true happiness.

Sometimes they find their way back. Oftentimes, they don't. It is not about you; and though it hurts like crazy; you have to look forard and find who you are as a single, what you are passionate about, and find the good in you to build on; and anything in you that has kept you from fully living deal with, so that you can be an even better you when you rebuild your life into the new phase.

I am very sorry that you are going through it and know it stings like crazy and financially can be incredibly frustrating; but just focus on the good part of your life and leave him be to his own insecurities and inadequecies (in his mind), because they will only make you crazy if you are drawn in. What he thinks he needs, he thinks you are keeping him from, and what he wants, probably won't do waht he wants it to; but he won't know unless he tries.

Maybe he'll eventually get healthy. But if not, at least you will be.

Best of luck to you OP.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 92
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/17/2013 10:08:57 AM
Ah, the pop psychology buzzwords, 'mid life crisis'. Nothing of the sort. People get together, date, and break up throughout their lives. It's not a 'crisis' limited to a particular age group, it's simply a case where the life situation of a couple, simply no longer fill the needs of both people. All too often, we are told that we should want what the other person wants; and for a while we go along with them. The problem occurs when there become too many things that they want, that leave us feeling unsatisfied with our lives. The mid life crisis stuff often consists of simply a man having focused his life more and more on what his wife, family, society and what everyone else wants, and winds up with nothing he wants. At some point, many of those men will simply realize that he has to change something, and that something usually first becomes the current relationship that he feels is sucking the life out of him. So when another woman starts paying attention to what HE wants, is there any surprise that he will go after her? And, like the OP's situation, this process will repeat itself as the 'new woman' tries to make him fit into her definition of what she thinks he should want instead of what he really wants.
 sexandthepof
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 93
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/17/2013 1:29:21 PM
I know the OP is no longer here under the name blissfullady, but who knows she might be here under a different screen name. Anyhow, this topic is validating for everyone to discuss anytime.

IMO, both men and women have midlife crisis, but in different way.

When men have midlife crisis, they want to buy a beautiful convertible sports car and find younger, more beautiful women than their wife if they are rich. For the poor ones who don’t have much money, they find any women they can because they want attention (the same as rich ones) and feel proud that without their wife, they still can have any women even they are getting older. That's man's ego.

And men cheat is not because they feel their wives do not need them. In the “old” day, most men were breadwinners, and their wives needed them so much and paid much more attentions to them more then women nowadays to their men, but they did cheat. I think that’s the way men are. No matter how old they are, they are just big kids and want much attention. Besides, in men and women’s lifetime, men’s hormone (testosterone) lasts longer than women’s hormone (estrogen), therefore men want to find other women to satisfied their sexual need/want.

Only men with high morale are loyal with their partners.

When women have midlife crisis, they feel hot and cold from second to second. Their moods change one minute after another, and they are cranky more often. Therefore, men without understanding about women and no morale cannot stand their partners.

Well, that’s what I think.

Anyhow, life is not always rosy for everyone all her/his life. Just have to accept the fact of life, deal with it and move on and take care of yourself. That’s all we can do.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 94
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/17/2013 11:02:42 PM

When men have midlife crisis, they want to buy a beautiful convertible sports car and find younger, more beautiful women

See, this is where people keep making the same mistake. This is not the symptom of a 'midlife crisis'. All men want this from the time they are teens through their elderly years. It has nothing to do with mid life. The most common reason for the confusion, is that when guys reach their middle years, that's when they can finally afford that beautiful sports car/motorcycle/boat. Middle aged men are at their peak earning power, because of that, they are also attractive to younger women who want the 'good things in life', so those men simply finally have the option to act on what they've wanted all along.
The only change, is that a middle aged man's wife is no longer as attractive as the other women that he now, finally, has the option of dating. The middle aged man isn't the one with the 'crisis'. His wife is.
 Aura1shine
Joined: 3/2/2011
Msg: 95
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/18/2013 1:14:51 AM

Middle aged men are at their peak earning power, because of that, they are also attractive to younger women who want the 'good things in life', so those men simply finally have the option to act on what they've wanted all along.
The only change, is that a middle aged man's wife is no longer as attractive as the other women that he now, finally, has the option of dating. The middle aged man isn't the one with the 'crisis'. His wife is.


LOL....this is may be true but men would not get to that point alone if he married. He has someone on his side and behind to help him get there and built substantial amount of wealth "to be attractive" to younger women.

So, his "crisis" is how to get away from sharing half of equity that they both had built up together.
 sexandthepof
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 96
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/18/2013 7:25:12 AM
“All men want this from the time they are teens through their elderly years.”

There’s a saying: “No man succeeds without a good woman behind him.” And see how many men there are in the world, from the president(s) to CEO’s and managers, etc…, when they succeed, they have money and power, and they get tired of their “old” wives and then turn around and cheat on them. Cheaters, betrayers.

Yeah, maybe they feel proud and happy at the moment they have the younger and more beautiful girls than their wives, but sooner or later they learn those are the “gold diggers” as most men say, then they feel tired of them too… and many of them have to pay a big price for cheating. The higher, powerful ones loose their reputation. The lower ones loose their good wives, families, homes and respect from their children.

If you agree it is midlife crisis, you have an excuse. If you don't agree with the midlife crisis, then you don't have an excuse. You are just a plain cheater or a betrayer.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 97
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/21/2013 7:27:36 PM

So, his "crisis" is how to get away from sharing half of equity that they both had built up together

What I'm saying, is that it's not a crisis. This is something he's been doing all his life. The whole 'mid life crisis' is something that a lot of people think is a sudden change in how a guy feels in life because they think he's suddenly wanting a young, hot woman and expensive sports cars. It's not; we have always wanted those things. But in mid life, they become more available to us.

There’s a saying: “No man succeeds without a good woman behind him.”

Yes, a quote of a woman, or even maybe a guy trying to placate the woman he's with; after all, words are cheap, and we know how women eat up compliments. There are plenty of successful men out there who have no 'women' behind them at all. That saying is simply from someone else who wants to claim it was their hard work, not that particular man's, that made him successful. Baloney.
They don't suddenly get tired of their 'old' wives and then turn around and cheat on them. About 75% of husbands cheat on their wives, and I assure you, most of them aren't wealthy. Of the men I know, I know for sure that half of them have stepped out on their wives at one time or another. None have more than average incomes. But average is enough. Those younger women aren't exactly gold diggers; they're just looking for a decent, stable guy with a good job! And there are plenty of women that have absolutely no trouble with the idea of taking another woman's man, the most often heard type of comment is something to the effect of, 'she doesn't know what she has, and if she won't make him happy, I will'. Guys don't use the term midlife crisis. Women do. They know they are cheating on their wives, they don't care. At some point in their marriage, those guys (if they weren't cheating already, which, like I said, lots are) want to have sex and sometimes a real relationship with a different woman. That's how we're wired; the passion disappears after a number of years, and lots of people want it back, and you usually can't get that feeling again with the same person you've been with for 20 years. Some let the desire take over, some don't. Remember, half of all women in marriage cheat as well. So it's not limited to one sex. And I won't accept the defense that women only cheat after the man does. Of course, women all defend their infidelity by coming up with a reason other women will agree with, such as 'he wasn't taking care of my emotional needs'. Like that makes everything o.k. and she's justified on stepping out on him. But women won't accept ANY reason why a man might be unfaithful.
And the answer to the OP, who's long gone by now, is the same: find a new man.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 98
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/21/2013 8:53:46 PM

And the answer to the OP, who's long gone by now, is the same: find a new man.

Really? A new man who will feel free to cheat and be a general d*ckhead because according to some, that's what most men do and it's how the are wired?

Look, it may be the excuse YOU use for your actions, but there are PLENTY of men who respect their wives/SOs, don't get all pissy about who earns more money,and have long and functional marriages.
The problem for those of us who had a good man in their lives and lost him to death, is that most of the middle-aged men who are not married or in committed relationships are the ones who think that it is some hardwired male trait to be unfaithful,obstreperous, difficult,conniving-and that is why they are DIVORCED.
Yes, the Universe has 'salted' the dating field with just enough middle-aged unattached men who were genuinely victims of a bad wife, or who have been brought up short by their divorce and LEARNED something from it. And then the few middle-aged widowers( but just being a widower doesn't always mean that the guy is an undiscovered treasure,lol).
BTW the way I always saw/heard that maxim
it was "Behind every successful man is a woman telling him he's wrong"(before everybody gets all butthurt-that used to be a popular JOKE!)

I think if the OP moves on and finds a new man, she better screen pretty hard,and either find a guy whose earnings match hers, or a man who genuinely DOESN'T believe his penis is shortened if his woman earns more money. I noticed that some men here were awful quick to PRESUME that the OP somehow made an issue of her earning more than she did.
Cindy O
 pamioakley
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 99
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/22/2013 2:48:58 PM
How long have you been living apart? Are you divorced? If you are, then my question would be "what difference does it make what his motives are?" If you aren't divorced, then you need to determine whether or not you want him back (though I could not imagine why) and either go for it, or let the relationship go. I, too, had a very long marriage but when it was over, it was over. After that many years there is usually ALOT of water under the bridge - a flood of things that cannot be undone or unsaid. I'm not sure, but it sounds to me like you feel he didn't appreciate the material things you were able to provide for the two of you and are flabbergasted that he would be interested in someone with little to offer.
 NevadaCityAngel
Joined: 7/26/2013
Msg: 100
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/22/2013 2:54:15 PM
OP,
The same thing happened to me. My then-husband, the center and love of my life, told me one day out of the blue that he was in a relationship with a woman 16 years younger, that he didn't want counseling and then he started listing the property he wanted. I heard him out calmly, then told him, "ok". I spent the next three days just trying to breathe, because I had loved him very much. During those days I focused entirely on releasing all of my pictures of our present and our future. My hopes and dreams of growing old with him. The fourteen years we had together.
Then I took some money out of our accounts, telling him what I was doing. I have always been civil to him during this process. He'd already snapped up $40K because he'd been planning this. I called my real estate agent, put our house on the market, set an appointment to house shop with the agent, and had sealed a rent-to-own (until our house sold it was the best I could do) within the week. A week after that I was moved. I pushed our divorce through in the next 45 days,when we both received our final judgement.
During this time he was spouting a lot of talk about my inadequacies as a wife. I listened patiently and silently, all the while thinking that he was describing himself with every word. He showed no care at all for my feelings. He talked constantly about his new woman in the glowing, romantic terms that he'd once used about me. His girlfriend dumped him the day he received his divorce papers. She liked flirting with married men. It just confirmed for me what I had been thinking all along about the situation; that he was a delusional mess.
Mid-life crisis appears when a man doesn't have a life purpose. Add any stress event, such as your job loss, and the pot boils over. He could be, like my ex-husband approaching his 50th birthday or marking the year anniversary of his Mother's death. Whatever it is, it is internal and about him. It's not about you. They do eventually snap out of it, but it takes years. Face the facts, my sister in disaster, you ex is your past and not your future. He's actually done you a huge favor by removing a heavy weight from your life. He's made it easy to divorce him and never look back. Why would you want that slut in your bed, ever again?
You need to get divorced, and hopefully get off the dating forum until you've healed. Think about it, and please keep repeating that he's your past and not your future. There are lots of adventures out there still waiting for you. Your husband isn't typical of men, he's more an example of mental breakdown. I have always felt compassion for my ex, never anger or blame. We had a great marriage and a quick divorce. I wish him well in life. Just; somewhere else.
 NevadaCityAngel
Joined: 7/26/2013
Msg: 101
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/22/2013 5:59:08 PM
"The facts are that women almost always initiate divorces. Guys don't even when they are unhappy. If a guy
Does, its because HE DOES perceive inadequacies with the woman. The ugly, fat middleaged women in my park nevet admit any fault on their parts. Its always their husbands at fault. The guys move on. The women stay behind in the trailers, grow angier and fatter."

The facts? You have all of the facts? Must be nice to have all of the facts.

I'm slender, energetic, fun, successful, and attractive. My husband had smoking hot kinky sex whenever I could pull him into the bedroom. I'm a very easy "get-along" person and he had everything his way. I cooked excellent meals, fed farm animals and brought in six figures a year. The one thing I couldn't do was make myself younger. More importantly,I couldn't make him younger, or feel younger.
He's the angry person who isn't moving on and is growing fatter. My cell phone is full of his messages and he often shows up on my doorstep with things I forgot in the move. Last time it was a pair of salt and pepper shakers. I am having more fun than I've had in years and I am dating a terrific guy.

How does that fit your facts?
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 102
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/22/2013 7:53:01 PM
blissfullady- It sounds like a case of midlife crisis to me, but who knows?
This just happened and you are still hurt and rightfully so, what will it take to heal? Time
Give yourself the time you need> I highly suggest doing all you can not to give him one more day of your life, reach out to friends, do things you enjoy doing, get out in the fresh air and just take a walk, slowly but surely you will be ok.
 anita_lay
Joined: 12/19/2012
Msg: 103
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/22/2013 8:50:10 PM
NevadaCityAngel: don't even bother engaging with this troll. He's just the latest version of the same boring and bored troll who gets his kicks from running women down, especially and particularly women older than 40. They're always married or partnered. This one's point of difference is that he apparently caused a car accident which left his partner brain damaged. Somehow, this isn't his fault. But it seems he's the one with the ugly personality, so who knows.
Anyway, ''it'' is best left alone. They respond to any attention, like weeds.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 104
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/24/2013 12:52:48 PM

for a shallow relationship with the other woman who is in it just for the sex?

Now...that's a comedy statement...right there in itself.....lol.

They respond to any attention, like weeds

Yes....they become..... master baiters...don't bite at their nonsense...just start reporting these guys.
 sxymiss32
Joined: 8/17/2013
Msg: 105
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 8/25/2013 1:19:29 PM
See a therapist!
 elmuchoburrito
Joined: 8/27/2013
Msg: 106
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 9/21/2013 9:54:30 PM
It's not a crisis - you just no longer believe the set of lies that you had previously bought.

Love is a function of location, proximity, duration, frequency, capital and derivative family connections; remove each of them, and you will find how quickly you fall out of 'love'

Mid life crises should be scheduled -
I believe the previous service interval was seven years.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 107
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 9/26/2013 3:18:47 PM
1) what another person does, reflects upon...them. you are, whoever and whatever, you are. you are that person, regardless of what they act like. when i was a child, i hung around my parents' friends and there was a lady who always identitied herself as John Smith's wife, and when JohnSmith died, she continued to try to identify herself as someone who had successfully snared John Smith.

but, in reality...she was herself. and not the least bit happy about it.

if you fall for an insecure person b/c you are equally insecure, and they make you feel comfortable about your insecurity, then, well, yes, you're insecure. you're a person who choose insecure people. but, that's your issue. if they become secure, you're still a person who's insecure.

2)if a person blames you for their failures...how is that your problem? they're an adult, why can't they handle their stuff in life?

3)regardless of what material things a person has in their life, or lacks in their life--an opportunist is still an opportunist. whether letting the wife bring home the bacon, or using a young lady for sex, its still about taking the opportunity rather than taking the responsiblity. its all driven by the same goal in the person.

4)sometimes the midlife crisis is about doing better, other times its about returning to childhood. either way, how do you recover from someone else's idiocy? again, remember...its their reflection, not your's. it can be your issue if they stay, but once they go, its their issue. if you're a success, it doesn't matter if your marriage is a failure--you're still what you are. if your success was only based on being married, then you never were a success. but if you were a success based on WHO you are, not WHAT you are, then you are always who you are, no matter what happens to you.

if a storm wipes out your house, are you no longer a success? or do you just rebuild the house?
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 108
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 9/27/2013 1:24:48 AM
OP: Sounds to me like he was always a flirt but because he was married he had to keep that part of his personality in check.

Maybe he didn't want to keep that part of him in check anymore so he did what he thought was best and he left.

I guess he figured he couldn't flirt or cheat and still be with you.

You didn't want to share him, right? He must have known this.

He didn't want to discuss it with you because he didn't want you to try to change his mind or judge him.

Isn't it going to be nice not to have to worry about him embarrassing you by flirting or cheating anymore?

Find someone more mature who has the same values as you have and look forward to the rest of your life.

Thinking about him will drain you, you don't need that anymore.
 IL_Capitano
Joined: 11/23/2012
Msg: 109
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Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 9/27/2013 4:16:42 PM

This isn't just a male thing. Females go through it too.


Yop.... my ex went through it when she was 32 and most of her friends did pretty well the same thing within a couple of years of each other, all about the same age..... so, was that their MID-life crisis? ...

... and we hear so much about women living so much longer than men.....


and subconsciously (or consciously) feel life has passed them by; and they need somehow to jolt themselves into actually living rather than going through the motions like they feel they have been doing for years.


I think the only thing I'd add to this bit is that too many people believe the bullshit that everyone is entitled to a perfect life including perfect relationships and that if they feel any sort of dissatisfaction, the best thing to do is kick the current SO to the curb because there is a perfect match out there somewhere.

 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 110
Victim of a Mid Life Crisis, How do you recover from it???
Posted: 9/27/2013 4:29:22 PM

This isn't just a male thing. Females go through it too.


Yop.... my ex went through it when she was 32 and most of her friends did pretty well the same thing within a couple of years of each other, all about the same age..... so, was that their MID-life crisis? ...

....


nope; that's called peer pressure :)





and subconsciously (or consciously) feel life has passed them by; and they need somehow to jolt themselves into actually living rather than going through the motions like they feel they have been doing for years.


I think the only thing I'd add to this bit is that too many people believe the bullshit that everyone is entitled to a perfect life including perfect relationships and that if they feel any sort of dissatisfaction, the best thing to do is kick the current SO to the curb because there is a perfect match out there somewhere.


Very true. Many people will blame unhappiness on another person rather than understanding happiness is in huge part a personal choice of their own, based on what they focus on, and acceptance of what they can and can't control.

For those with a "victim" mentality; they focus on what they think is wrong, and they get their power and control by assigning blame; not understanding that control in a relationship can much better be spent communicating, switching their focus (focus on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative/bitter) and understanding even passive is a personal choice... and half the time blame is assigned it is based on a misunderstanding BETWEEN both of them rather than one straight out injuring the other (though in those cases where someone is dealing ith literal abuse, personal safety does actually require bailing until the person shows they want to take control of their behavior to not injure.
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