Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 21
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
OP, I am close to your age and have an ex-husband who is gay and an ex-fiance who was a gold-digging cheater. I should have a whole set of Samsonite by now, but nope...I do not. Carrying a grudge only breaks the back of the one carrying it. I'd rather have fun, wouldn't you? The ex's problems are just that...their problems...and no longer yours...celebrate that.

Starting over does not have to be a downer...it can be a wonderful new place to begin a better life. Take some time to sort through your grief, then get out there again and start meeting new people. If dating is too scary, take a night class, join a gym, volunteer for charity, etc. to build your confidence and communication skills. Then start a conversation with someone you might wish to date. See every bad date or rejection as a learning experience on the road to success and you'll do well. Good luck to you!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 22
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 10/22/2012 6:18:08 AM
The problem with baggage can be two fold. In the one hand you have Samsonite, or the obvious baggage. That is easy to detect and to put into place. We can be angry about what someone did, or how we handled a particular situation and so forth. We can reconcile those issues, forgive others or even forgive ourselves and we are done with that. But then there's the baggage that is hidden, that you didn't really know you had, or that you took it as being part of your normal being. Yet is the type of crap that keeps lurking in all your relationships, things that are not so much about you, but the type of person that you keep attracting over and over again. The woman that constantly finds emotional or physical abusers. The guys who end up with high maintenance women. Or the ones that find people that are completely emotionally unavailable. This type of baggage is sent to you as layers upon layers of what constitutes your emotional past, your family of origin, how you grew up. You think it's irrelevant because it's in the past and you like to pretend that you live by the present alone. Yet until you reconcile all that, things will keep pooping up again and again. Only then when you face it, can you then put it to rest and truly move on into a happier life.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 23
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 10/22/2012 8:45:10 AM
Get onto meetup.com and see if you can find some events in your area that sound interesting...there's lots of people that get together just to go to different restaurants, or to share a hobby, or to talk about a mutual interest. It doesnt have to be "singles" oriented. I joined a hiking group and have met and dated a few men that way.

I also found myself tumbling into the singles arena after a 9 year relationship. I am now in my 40's. No kids, but that doesnt make it easier. I had no idea how hard finding a relationship was going to be. But, as others have said, the "dusting off of oneself" after exiting a long term relationship that you put alot of energy in/emotional investment is crucial. Do not put any pressure on yourself at this point. Or try to rush into something else because you are lonely.

I worked on, for a long long time, just being happy by myself..for now. I determined that the quest to hook up, find affection, someone who loved and adored me again would have to wait. I had to learn to be happy on my own. I decided to close my online dating profiles and focus on "peace and quiet time". I developed a daily routine that ensured I had enough "me time" in it. Proper breaks, little pleasures, shopping, having lunch with friends, completing projects of my own, and lots of exercise. I am not saying these are substitutes for love, these are part of the process of "being OK' with, for now, just myself. And when I do go out on a date, my expectations are completely different. I am more objective about the whole thing. I've learned to be OK with the idea that I have to walk away from most possibilities, because they are not the right possibilities. I'd rather be alone than being tormented with all the crap that goes along with being with a jerk, etc because I want it to much to work out.

Eventually, when you get yourself into the right place, the anxiety about being connected again ceases, and you start to look at the process differently. Your autonomous nature will be a source of strength for you, not something to dread.

Dont worry..you will find your way. Unlike in the movies, it usually takes longer than 90 minutes. :)
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 24
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 10/22/2012 12:01:12 PM

But then there's the baggage that is hidden, that you didn't really know you had, or that you took it as being part of your normal being. Yet is the type of crap that keeps lurking in all your relationships, things that are not so much about you, but the type of person that you keep attracting over and over again.


This is true...Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I saw my mother marry 2 alcoholics in a row...and it was because she was crazy to look for husband #2 in a bar. You have to learn the lessons that each relationship can teach you before you move on. Getting professional help to understand your choices might be an option if you need objective help doing this.

IMO, you will do better dating after you have found peace with the past and have a clear vision of what you want going forward. You cannot avoid all trouble, but if you have a good understanding of yourself and your needs, you will be able to avoid a lot of it and recognize it sooner when you encounter it.
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 10/22/2012 3:55:58 PM
We've slowed down, gained a little weight, and are dealing with physical issues from living a life of hard knocks.
.

Not me. I'm a decade older than you and make a point of keeping active and fit. If you have a disability then you should be even more conscious of your weight and fitness.
 VenusandAdonis
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 26
baggage.. it's what you haven't left in the past
Posted: 10/28/2012 9:32:56 AM
great analogy~versus " baggage isn't what we've done in the past"
I like it..and drama is a part of life..we all want to be happy all the time, but caring for people affects us greatly.
We can choose to find a way, or give up.
OP..The only way is to get out there and play ball..
 L0thari0
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 27
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 10/28/2012 10:58:52 AM


I find myself stumped. I didn't expect to find myself dumped, divorced and single at 48 (now 49). After a decade long relationship and a couple of kids, now disabled through no fault of my own, yes, I find myself single. I'm not bitter, just....confused.
Things change in the dating world quickly, and the going out /bar scene is something better suited to younger men with more disposable income, and much more free time.

Not to sound cynical, but men and women my age by default, unless they've just escaped from a locked basement, HAVE to have baggage from their 30-40 years on the planet. They have kids, and in some cases, grandkids. They've had mulitiple relationships, marriages, been burned and burnt bridges. We're in the middle of our lives, supposedly an era when we're supposed to be stable, comfortable, even complacent. Yet here we are, starting over, without a real clue of how to get started, and yes, a little afraid of what we face. We're not young and fresh anymore. We've slowed down, gained a little weight, and are dealing with physical issues from living a life of hard knocks.

But we (I) have a positive outlook. A happy personality. Wonderful kids. But we crave the company of an adult. The touch of another adult human being. Knowing that despite the rejection of someone we invested all our emotions and dreams into, that others still find us attractive and desirable.

Am I the only one in this age bracket that feels this way? Where do you start (For lack of a better term) "Hooking up" again? How do you re-insert yourself into a dating scene that has passed you by while you were blissfully married?


I wasted no time before getting back into the dating scene. My marriage was over and I wanted to experience life again. Within a month, I had a new girlfriend.

But, you're asking how to get started.

Begin by going shopping. We're lucky in this area because all men need are about 16 items to completely make over our wardrobes. Try to find cool men in films that have a similar build to your own and pay attention to what they're wearing. Fit is important.

Next you start playing the game. And that's the way to think about it, as a game. It should be fun. Just talk to anyone you thinks looks interesting. Don't ask yourself is she too pretty or too young or what ever. Let her decide if she wants to be with you or not. Ask the hottest women first. Once a 7 turns you down the 10s won't even nibble.

What do you say? Easy, you say hello, you introduce yourself and you shake her hand. Just tell her that you're newly back into the single life and just want to practice a little small talk. Ask her an open ended question. Talk about that. Ask her where the cool places are around town. Make it a game. Offer to hire her as your tour guide. Keep it light and fun.

DO NOT COMPLEMENT HER ON HER LOOKS. Instead, get to know a little about her and complement her about some aspect of her life.

Then, tell her it's been a pleasure and leave. If she was into you, you'll be able to tell. If she is, turn back after a few a steps and and say 'give me your phone number." Do not ask, but don't demand either.

It takes time to get your swing. And every time you go out and try it's like stating over. You have to get warmed up, so the first two or three each night don't count. And for that matter, the first 100 women you try to chat up don't count either. Don't give up.
 SDladyCA
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 28
How things have not changed
Posted: 10/28/2012 10:58:57 AM
When I was last in the dating world, I was in my 20's. Men my age were seeking women in their 20's. Now I am in my 40's, and men my age are still seeking women in their 20's. I had to adjust my mail settings to stop getting messages from men in their late 60's and early 70's. Sigh...

I am really only interested in men that are pretty near my age. However , so few of them seems to want a relationship. Many of them are so burned out, overly cautious, emotionally damaged. They say their want a relationship, but in reality, quite a few of them really just want a FWB. I am not even faintly interested in that. Also, as has been pointed out ad nauseum, the online world gives people the idea that there are hundreds of people that they can pick from, so you only hold their interest until the next shiny bauble comes along. That was not such a vast issue 20 years ago.
 krita3311
Joined: 10/10/2012
Msg: 29
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 10/31/2012 7:01:43 PM
It is the most difficult, scary and confusing time of my life. It is good to see that someone else feels the same way. Makes me feel not so crazy. Thanks and good luck
 waitingforyoutoo
Joined: 7/19/2012
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 10/31/2012 8:38:52 PM
Blade, do not know whether this was mentioned but I was in your shoes also. Until you get comfortable being you then you cannot expect someone else to be comfortable with you.
It takes time to heal your wounds before you get into a relationship. Now granted dating sites are more suited for hooking up then actually looking for a lifetime partner as you will find out. I am still on that search for lifetime and not hookups.
What I am trying to say is you will know when you are ready for a relationship again. You will have peace with yourself and could care less if the one is out there for you and then she will turn up.
Word of warning-- pics are not always true when looking at profiles and neither are the profiles. This I would have to assume applies to men also.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 31
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 10/31/2012 8:40:40 PM
Hang in there Krita, it does get better. You will find strength you never knew you had.
 oskiesmom
Joined: 4/27/2012
Msg: 32
view profile
History
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 11/1/2012 3:46:38 AM
[But then there's the baggage that is hidden, that you didn't really know you had, or that you took it as being part of your normal being. Yet is the type of crap that keeps lurking in all your relationships, things that are not so much about you, but the type of person that you keep attracting over and over again. The woman that constantly finds emotional or physical abusers. The guys who end up with high maintenance women. Or the ones that find people that are completely emotionally unavailable. /]

Outmind- great points! I've dated some very nice men who had been single and dating for a long while, but they chose to date women who were either high maintenance or looking for an income, so while I dated them, they would always bring that type of subject up with me. I am financially stable, a good earner, mow my own lawn, repair my own faucets, etc... It always seemed like I was being prejudged because these guys came into our dating relationship with that type of baggage. In my 12 years of dating, there was only one man who saw what I wanted (which was to love and be loved), but unfortunately, he was permanently emotionally unavailable. He is truly a dedicated bachelor; I miss him because he shared his innermost feelings. And he had no problem telling me the truth as he saw it; good or bad.

My baggage is that I choose the wrong guys; this past summer proved that to me. This is something I need to work out, so I am back on dating hiatus for a while. After 4.5 yrs of not dating, I dated two men I've known (not close, but did know) for a long time and both times, they had women on the backburner; one had an on/off relationship with another women and the other an on/off relationship with a fiance. Both guys told me that those relationships were done for a long time. So, after some 2000 hate text messages, slander, and public humiliation, it dawned on me that I need to figure out what's wrong with my "picker". It's not like I choose genetically perfect men or rich men; the one guy has a serious weight issue and the other one was a single dad struggling to open a business. Something in their personalities really appealed to me and now that I look back, I see the signs that I didn't see before.

There are many people in these forums who need to look within for that hidden baggage, myself included.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 33
view profile
History
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 11/1/2012 7:23:29 AM
I am goimg to be thinking hard about what my "hidden baggage issues" might be.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 34
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 11/1/2012 9:23:15 AM
So spend time now, just reading here. You will find first of all, the answer to your own VERY common question "Am I the only one in this age bracket that feels this way?"


Ah yes, the forums.....I cannot tell you how thankful I was to find them. "Everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask." And I mean "everything." Take Igor's advice and read, read, read.

Not only did I learn so much through the forums OP, I also managed to make a lot of new friends as well.... and I still maintain contact with many of them in real life and through FB.

Getting back into the dating pool is difficult, the best piece of advice I can give you is to be patient and keep positive. You're not alone...there's a few of us out there who have and are trying to find our way.

...mae
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 11/1/2012 10:35:49 AM
Do not put all your marbles in that one bag of one person and moving from one relationship to another. Take your time, date some, create new friendships, find your individuality, the core of yourself, your independence, and self concept.

Once there, confident, and experienced with friendships, dating, and enjoying others, you slowly move on to hopefully that one that will rock your socks enough to want to take not only yours off, but theirs, and enjoy coffee in the morning with them once completed.

The key is not to look for someone to complete you, but an equal to enjoy and have walk with you side by side, even if only for a day, or a week, or month, or year. Why make it all forever, when you are just trying to understand today? These forums will give you many suggestions, thoughts to ponder, and many friends to discuss it all with, if you allow that to happen, and understand why it is the way it is!!

cd
 barra62
Joined: 10/18/2012
Msg: 36
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 11/2/2012 2:47:10 PM
What's the problem ,, you date , you go out , you enjoy whatever it is you do , if you want , you do it again .....
Seems pretty simple really .
Same as it's always been ...
 barra62
Joined: 10/18/2012
Msg: 37
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 11/2/2012 5:44:23 PM
!st thing you have to do , is get off the computer......lol
 tomorrowsmine
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 38
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 11/3/2012 5:28:02 AM
"Is anyone else finding it hard to meet likeminded people in a small town or is it just me not looking in the right places.

Oh well back to another lonely Saturday nite on my own at home, maybe one of the kids will be home with his GF for dinner so I have some company or the cat will want a cuddle on the lounge watching a movie with me."


It may be useful to take a look at meetup.com. This way you can meet people and nearly always find somewhere to go, yet not be committed if not in the mood. The drawback of internet dating is that regardless of how many emails and phonecalls and pictures happen, the moment you share the same airspace the die is cast and you're stuck having a lousy coffee or whatever and wondering how to make a polite exit. Sometimes the thought of revisiting that scenario is draining. You want to move on but it's like being stuck in the mud. Meeting up with people who are local enhances your confidence and perhaps makes you more 'catchworthy'... It's oh so logical, ha ha - if only I could act on my own wise advice!!!
 tomorrowsmine
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 39
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 11/3/2012 5:38:27 AM
"Is anyone else finding it hard to meet likeminded people in a small town or is it just me not looking in the right places.

Oh well back to another lonely Saturday nite on my own at home, maybe one of the kids will be home with his GF for dinner so I have some company or the cat will want a cuddle on the lounge watching a movie with me."


It may be useful to take a look at meetup.com. This way you can meet people and nearly always find somewhere to go, yet not be committed if not in the mood. The drawback of internet dating is that regardless of how many emails and phonecalls and pictures happen, the moment you share the same airspace the die is cast and you're stuck having a lousy coffee or whatever and wondering how to make a polite exit. Sometimes the thought of revisiting that scenario is draining. You want to move on but it's like being stuck in the mud. Meeting up with people who are local enhances your confidence and perhaps makes you more 'catchworthy'... It's oh so logical, ha ha - if only I could act on my own wise advice!!!
 xsthomas302
Joined: 8/17/2012
Msg: 40
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 11/3/2012 7:06:08 AM
At this late in the game. Finding some one is like buying a used car. You dont know what you are getting, and there are probably hidden problems that you will NOT find out about until you have invested waay too much time and money. I mean that in a nice way :)
 Bella_RF
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 41
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 11/3/2012 7:55:47 AM
I think you need some good healing time and yes there are many who are "jaded" from their past. But there are some balanced and good people still out there. I had counseling for my past life events and it helped me to get through tough times.

I just got out of dating this one person and I have to say that it's been a few weeks and now that time has passed, I feel great and am excited about dating again. It just takes time.

Don't blame anyone from my past about why it didn't work out...I write it off to not being compatible. Just need to find someone who truly wants what I do.

Make a list of the things you want...pro's and con's list if you will and stick to it when you meet people. That way, you won't get sidetracked with being attracted. It's what's inside that really matters anyway....
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 42
view profile
History
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 11/7/2012 1:20:01 PM

Kids and an ex are not baggage.


No they certainly AREN'T. Kids are always a blessing. And the ex is the father/mother of your children that those children definately need as much as they need you.

It's PROBLEMS with the kids and ex that is baggage. It's wise to determine how much of those problems are of the potential partner's own making, and how much of those problems you can take -- BEFORE you can sign on.

So often the PROBLEM with the kids and ex is FINANCIAL. How much $$$ can you/will you contibute to support?

Also, what will be the situation with the potential spouse's grown children should you outlive him/her? Will the grown kids come after you for "his"/"her" 1/2 of YOUR estate when you are elderly, and he/she is gone?

My new husband and I are hardly rich, but comfortable, and of about the same net worth. Before we married we signed a 'pre-nup" for both the protection of his daughters and me. It states that what is his is his, and mine is mine. Then, at my request, he filed a pre-probated will leaving EVERYTHING he owns, to his girls -- with the stipulation that they would make NO attempt to go after me for any of my belongings. The only thing he left to me was the wedding ring I bought for him. He signed his life insurance to the girls, moved in with me, and kept his home, which is nearby my house. He rented it to his ex, who qualifies for sec 8. She's a good tenant, and now the girls can go to a good high school. He puts the rental proceeds into a fund for the upkeep of the home and the girls' education. We have agreed to let the ex live there after the girls move out if she desires.

I get along with the ex, and she is welcome at our home any time. I get along with the girls because I never barged into their lives, expecting to be instant family, or moved in with my husband.

I did a pre-probated will which he THINKS leaves everything to my church. But it actually passes everything including investment proceeds through him and then to the church. Most of my jewelry is left to the girls, but they don't know that, either.

It's wise to think these things out and make ageements you BOTH can live with -- before you decide what "baggage" of any sort -- you can accept.

There are ALL kinds of OTHER baggage that mature people bring to the table. DON'T just walk in willy-nilly, hoping for the best -- with eyes wide shut.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?