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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How physical is TOO physical?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 5
How physical is TOO physical?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

my ex and I are trying another go at things. We both feel that we sort of rushed into things the first time and it lead to the demise of things. We decided this time to take it slow

Physical is physical.. IF you want to form a long-lasting friendship, build it on ALL things great and small..


what we are trying to build: a solid base from which a possible relationship may come. What are your thoughts?

What you mean "we" white woman? Maybe YOU want that, but the guy wants the physical first and then maybe more after that.. IF you hold off on that, an experienced guy will go elsewhere if he hasn't already..
 Peanutbutter9
Joined: 7/26/2010
Msg: 6
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 9:55:14 AM
Nope. Not "we" white woman, but its humorous that you thought that. "We" as in, he and I. We've talked at length about this and he was the first to mention not getting physical right away and I couldn't have agreed more.
 Peanutbutter9
Joined: 7/26/2010
Msg: 7
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 9:59:49 AM
Our chemistry is amazing. So when we started dating last time, it was like meeting, going out maybe once or twice and then BOOM dating. Emotions ran high too quickly, and since we really didn't get to experience knowing each other on a strictly friend-level, many arguments occurred simply because of misunderstandings because we just didn't know each other's ways of thinking or behaving. Now that there has been some time in between, we can see why everything happened and learn from it in order to not repeat the same silly mistakes and really get to know each other.
 Malley
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 8
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 10:02:21 AM
OP, at the risk of sounding like a pessimist here, it's been my experience once you break up and get back together, you soon recall why you initially broke up. Whatever the reason was, it's always there, lurking in the background.

Being in a different place or not, for the most part, we are who we are.

Sometimes, it's the sexual compatibility that keeps you together or continuously returning. Amazing or not, it's not enough to maintain a ltr.
You can't go backwards in a relationship any more than you can turn back time therefore my vote is no physical as well as no reconciliation attempt.

Haul up your anchor and move on into new waters to find a fresh fish.

Edit: Wow mcgee just wow! Great post! Electrifying analogy!
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 9
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 10:06:04 AM
OP- its nice to know you have no other options ...

that way you can try to be back with someone when it didn't work the first time.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 10
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How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 11:07:33 AM
Well, there's nothing wrong about exploring a physical relationship, so long as you aren't ignoring the emotional, intellectual and spiritual.

It's when you focus on one aspect at the expense of the others -- that's when you run into problems.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 11
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 11:17:45 AM

many arguments occurred simply because of misunderstandings because we just didn't know each other's ways of thinking or behaving.

Actually, THAT is the cause of MOST all arguments/conflicts everywhere personal and worldwide..

If you study conflict resolution, you may begin to see that misunderstandings can be minimized by certain steps and procedures when communicating with another imperfect human being who just may JUMP to conclusions without confirmation of semantics and intent just like YOU may do..

 TooShadows
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 12
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How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 11:23:21 AM
The problem is that you just never know. Rushing into sex could mean that a relationship won't work out,but on the other hand it might. My girlfriend and I met on a chat line and got together one day just for an NSA encounter. That was 10 years ago and we have a family. In 1992 my brother met a girl at a party and went home with her afterward. They've been together ever since,had 2 kids and got married.

There's more factors than just sex that decide whether or not a relationship might work out.
 Malley
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 13
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 11:34:10 AM

Malley I think this can be used as a great example. So OP use her example and picture your boyfriend is trying to get his toast out with his weenie instead of a knife...


Actually, it was his example.

But hey, as long as the toaster wasn't plugged in ... to an electrical outlet, go for it!

Then again, don't knock it til you try it.

You'll get back to us on that, won't ya cowboy? ;)


a wise person once said to me, that once you've had sex, it's impossible to go back and start over.


Wise indeed!


Our chemistry is amazing. So when we started dating last time, it was like meeting, going out maybe once or twice and then BOOM dating. Emotions ran high too quickly, and since we really didn't get to experience knowing each other on a strictly friend-level,


No, OP, that was d'em hormones runnin' and jumpin'.


Not sure what "BOOM dating" is, but getting to know one another is normally what most other types of dating is for.

As for arguements, they're part and parcel of all relationships. Most of them are silly, in hindsight. If you're unable to reach any type of resolution, the partnership is doomed.
Continuous petty conflicts is indicative of personality incompatibility. No number of start overs or shifting speeds will change that.

Take what you've learned, OP, and carry it forward into your next relationship. They're what makes us wise.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
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How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 11:36:26 AM
I think Cowboys and Oy Vays posts are most on target so far, though others said useful things to consider too.

OP, what I see you doing is yet another "magic potion" approach to try to make things work. You think that too much sex too fast was the reason you didn't get along as people, so now you want to artificially eliminate sex from the relationship, and try for a "do-over" as if somehow the lack of sex will FORCE you to find out how to get along as people.

I think that's patent nonsense. Either your lives are able to be coordinated or not. What ever you argued and fought about before, still has to be resolved. What ever caused you to not get along despite the "great sex," still has to be addressed.

Having that "great-sex" being held just out of both of your reaches, as a way to trick yourselves into being disciplined enough to do the basic relationship WORK that is required to make things come out better, is a complete failed concept. What is probably happening right now, is that you are both playing games with yourselves, trying to trick yourselves into pretending you are doing good things to bring your lives together, in order to get the sex back. You are NOT actually making any real changes within yourselves that will still be there AFTER you start having sex again. That's normal human behavior.

I wish you luck, but frankly my own experience has always been that artificial ANYTHING in a relationship, just delays the inevitable. Some folks are just only good at having sex together, and nothing else. If you can't get your lives together while having such great sex, then you wont have any better luck doing it WITHOUT the sex.
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 15
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 12:36:19 PM
OP-

I understand what you're trying to do but the reality is...you've already done the deed...so trying to turn the clock back like things are different more than likely will not work. I have been in a similar situation and the first time he and I got back together he kissed me like it was the first time we met. I got all smitten again---but he didn't come back with the intent of re-establishing a relationship, but he did have an agenda.

I'm not saying your man friend is like my Meathead---but I lulled myself into a false sense of 'he's back and this will be different' because the issues that separated us initially never changed or were discussed. I know we had a great deal of sexual chemistry---but sex alone does not make a committed relationship. I do wish you well, but if the kissing continues, as an adult you know where that kissing will lead.

You're possibly setting yourself up for falling into the FWB---it's all about choices. You have the right to do as you see fit, but understand sometimes do overs work--and sometimes they don't. You need to discuss with him the things that made the relationship sour and work on that first---that doesn't mean you should forgo kissing---but work on the issues that plagued the relationship but be afraid of revisiting the good things too. ( Kissing is good )

Good luck,

MM
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 16
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How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 1:50:04 PM
I think you are trying to do something that can't really be done. You already kind of know each other, you already had sex and now you want to play games and see if that makes things better? The sex was a good part of the two of you together, so maybe you screwed things up before but the fact is that taking out a good part of the relationship is not going to make you 'know' each other better his time around. It's simple, it takes time to know a person well enough to know if you are a good fit for each other, so take that time by dating and don't add the big drama of no sex unless you both get off on a sexual build up. The only thing you can do is date and be honest with each other and yourselves about your feelings.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 17
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 2:19:31 PM
We also both agreed that getting physical would complicate things and make us end up right back where we were before.

So don’t get physical. At all. Don’t touch. That’s a nice unequivocal boundary that can’t be misinterpreted.

No good-night kiss. No hug. Nuthin’.

I can almost guarantee you’ll see each other and your relationship in a new light. Give it a month.

I figured you'd all give me shit about the kissing because it didn't really jive with what we were going for.

OK, consider it given. Kissing doesn’t jive with “think clearly and give this some time to see how it goes on a friend-level” or “spend time building a friendship”. Friends don’t do that.

And the point of the exercise is…? dialing back the sexual energy between you? so you can see what’s left of your compatibility if you put that aside for awhile? and maybe build up those other parts of the relationship?

So go cold turkey. It’s the easiest thing to actually put into practice. Kissing would give me delicious crazy-buzz but I could think of nothing else and that would defeat the purpose. Why arouse sexual feelings?

The point of the exercise is not to draw a line in the sand and get as close to it as you can without crossing it. The point is to focus on other things between you. G’luck.

Give it a week. Give it even one night and you'll notice a difference. Or my name's not Dr. Ruth.
 4x4fan
Joined: 4/29/2011
Msg: 18
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 2:33:33 PM
I see what you're saying. However, part of me understands, but part of me doesn't. I'm curious about one thing.
If sex complicates things, why ever have it?
"Rushing things" to me would be getting married again too soon, or moving back in with each other too soon, not sex.

To the answerer under me. I was asking the question to the OP. She stated that she didn't want to have sex with him because it complicated things. I'm all for sex so I was basically pointing out to her the folly behind not having sex and it NOT having sex made things better, then having it would harm relationships. I was stating that not having sex was silly.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 19
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 5:28:22 PM
OP
I dunno, kid...but if you manage to pull it off, come over here by me...I have toothpaste needing to be put back IN the tube, and bells that need to be unrung...
Cindy O
 Peanutbutter9
Joined: 7/26/2010
Msg: 20
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 5:35:39 PM
Thank you mutedenthusiasm and cautious. You understand what we're trying to accomplish. I am going to dial back and stop the kissing and all that.
 Malley
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 21
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 10:39:06 PM
^^^ in others words, OP, it wasn't thoughts, advise or opinions you wanted, it was validation.
 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 22
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How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/14/2011 5:30:18 PM
A relationship without sex is like a car with no gas. you need ALL aspects of a relationship for it to work.
 acherokee
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 24
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/15/2011 11:58:06 PM
I so agree!! Working on your communication is #1. Sex for most people is a form of non-verbal communication n in the heat of the moment things get carried away.
 T_TX
Joined: 7/14/2011
Msg: 25
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/16/2011 10:47:03 AM
Ruling out sex isn't the answer and putting each other in the friend zone isn't going to help either. The two of you where attracted to each other and you both enjoyed each other physically. The physical touch and sex the two of you share is a great way to communicate. Try some pillow talk before or after sex and see what happens.

Another great way to communicate is to send each other emails explaining how you feel, your fears, your hopes and aspirations about your relationship.
 Tomtastic72
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 26
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 2/18/2012 10:47:30 PM
Sorry for posting here

Apparently I am blocked by you :(
 Tomtastic72
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 27
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 2/18/2012 10:51:11 PM
This message is for Acherokee. As she is sending me messages and I cannot reply. Says I'm blocked.

They are not hate mail fyi

Help?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 28
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How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 2/19/2012 5:38:07 AM
Tomtastic, you are committing forum abuse. You are likely going to get booted out for doing it. I understand your desperation, but you CAN NOT use the forums to broadcast messages to an individual.
 0ldhag
Joined: 1/8/2012
Msg: 29
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 2/19/2012 5:53:08 AM
Unless it's sex, I don't know what more your going to build on. Unless your dating a women.
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