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 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 76
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Multiple MarriagesPage 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
A lot depends on the reason(s) why the marriages didn't last. Did he cheat on her/did she cheat on him? Was either party abusive? Did the marriage grow stale and one party or the other just lose interest? Just what did break the marriages up, and is there a recurring pattern?

Many times couples marry young, and don't really know what to expect once the honeymoon is over. In that case, a divorce from the first marriage is somewhat understandable. But that applies only to the first marriage; after that, they should be more aware of the pitfalls.

Multiple marriages are, if not a red flag, at least a yellow one advising caution. You need to find out what happened each time before you become too involved with a much-married person. If the story is much the same each time, beware. Maybe you are the same "type" as his/her previous spouses, in which case you can expect the same problems ... and the same result, sooner or later.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 77
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/27/2011 11:02:46 AM
I went out with his man a few times some years back, I just wasnt physically attracted to him. I tried to get to know him, & look at the inside, he had some good qualities, a home, a job, he was a single Dad raising his 2 sons. There were some serious some red flags as well. The biggest red flag was that I would have been wife number 5. He said he didn't count 2 of the marriages for some reason. Wife number 4 moved in with her child, & moved out in less than a year. I felt that he was pushing me to make a commitment to him after we had only been on 2 dates. He suggested how wonderful it would be for me to move into his house, but we didn't even know each other yet! How can you talk about moving in together after 2 dates! I had not even kissed him yet! I just couldn't get past the fact that he had 4 previous wives, there is something really wrong there.
 WhiteKnight91360
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 78
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/27/2011 3:10:39 PM
Divorced 3x myself. It's very embarrassing to admit. I would not judge anyone over that. That being said, it's only fair to inquire about why each marriage failed. If the chemistry is there, she shouldn't mind freely discussing it.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 79
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/27/2011 3:30:03 PM
We have all had multiple relationships that have ended, I'm curious as to why multiple marriages should hold a different connotation?

Because they are supposed to be forever?

How often does that happen? Look at the stats..

I think society in general has some magical fantasy about marriage, the proof is everywhere.. and reality rarely matches up. To me the 'institution of marriage' is a dying paradigm and I want no part of it.

I would wonder if they were the type to jump in too fast, with a penchant for fantasy based thinking and a habit of falling in love with love, but the simple fact that there were multiple marriages wouldn't be the deciding factor for me.
 prettyinpink1908
Joined: 8/22/2011
Msg: 80
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/27/2011 7:39:55 PM
I agree with forumfishie
 prettyinpink1908
Joined: 8/22/2011
Msg: 81
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/27/2011 7:44:49 PM
I say AMEN to this post lol
 prettyinpink1908
Joined: 8/22/2011
Msg: 82
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/27/2011 7:49:03 PM
I think people are going to judge you regardless. No one is perfect and a lot of times you may think you have the right one and in the middle of the marriage the other party may show his or her true signs...I dont believe anyone should stay in a relationship/marriage if they are unhappy...u tried it it didnt work get out and move on...You ony have one life to live so live it bc when you die there is nothing else you can come back to do just one more time...I used to love the thought of being married but I also like the fact that I have the guts to jump ship if it aint working
 commonsens_reloaded
Joined: 8/10/2011
Msg: 83
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/27/2011 8:04:56 PM
Seams far too hard so some to even THINK BEFORE getting married as they use it as "punchline" or even "placebos" in many cases; hence the high numbers of marriages and divorces.

That one or two don't work, life happens and you shouldn't stay in a bad marriage, but pass that, why even bother to get married at all especially when it is also so normal (and much easier and legal) to simply live together now? Some simply do not learn or even realize that their 4-5-6 failed marriages had only one thing in common: themselves.

because that once serious commitment contract is now as easy to replace as the old Saturday high school dates..with as much value.
 Ms Cheevious
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 84
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History
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:39:37 PM

I wonder why people do it over and over??


Because I was a dumbass!

They were all military...met them overseas. "Courtship" consisted of whatever time we had before one of us returned stateside. Had to marry them in order to qualify for joint domicile.

It seemed like a good idea........................at the time.




Multiple marriages keeps the divorce lawyers and their staff busy, its good for the economy.



They'll get no more "ka- CHING" from me.

My attorney for my last divorce (1998) has my permission to hunt me down and kill me on the spot if he even hears RUMORS of me considering marriage again.



I would not judge anyone over that.


Same here.
 CarpeOmnia
Joined: 1/18/2009
Msg: 85
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Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:53:28 PM
Ms Cheevious....your story sorta reminds me of mine.
Well...except for the whole military thing.

When I first entered his office to start my last divorce, my lawyer laughed when I asked him if he would honor the 3 for the price of 2 COUPON I had.(in case I am taken wrong....the reason for the divorce was no joking matter, was kind of a nightmare at the time. I do use humor to help me through tough times)

I remember poking my nose back into my lawyers office after the last T was crossed and i was dotted on that divorce. He looked over as I said, "hey Glen...do you wanna come to my next wedding?" I figured, hey...we're almost like family. I am pretty sure I single-handedly put several of his children through college.

He said, "I'll be wanting to speak to your Psychiatrist first!"

Like the gentleman above you(Whiteknight) who had 3 divorces and was embarassed by that number...I can understand how he feels. My three long term relationships were marriages. Others have that many or more common-law relationships intermingled with a marriage or 2.

I wrote on another thread what happened in my world, so I won't write it here. I do look back at my history with some embarassment at my poor choices...but also sadness at the way things went. I did do alot of work with counsellors...to work through my part in these failures.

Part of my marital autopsy efforts.
So I don't repeat my poor choices.
Any more than I already have.

This doesn't mean that my love life will have limitations put on it. That wouldn't be fair to who I am with. For me it's enjoying today...planning for the future...and making the most of what time I have left in this world.
 butterflie_1207
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 86
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/28/2011 4:23:08 PM
I got married relatively young (22) and most likely for the wrong reasons. It lasted 15 years, and ended in divorce. My ex-husband got married about a year after our divorce was final.

I know a woman my age (42) who is working on her 5th marriage, the 4 previous ones ended in divorce, and she's been dating her current "fiancee" for under a year.

I take the commitment of marriage very seriously and I really don't understand why people jump in so quickly.
 cgm745
Joined: 7/29/2011
Msg: 87
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/28/2011 7:53:29 PM
I know a few people who have been married 3+ times and the number of marriages are all for different reasons. By no means are they representative of all the marriage people I know. It would not scare me, but I would ask the person how come they were married so many times. Some people love being married, but just marry the wrong person several times until they find the right one. One person has been married 5 times and the last one has lasted almost 20 years, so it just took awhile to find a good match.

There is not anything wrong with people wanting to be married and having the strength to keep on doing it. I say keep an open mind.
 1in1000000000
Joined: 10/17/2010
Msg: 88
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History
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/28/2011 11:49:01 PM

We have all had multiple relationships that have ended, I'm curious as to why multiple marriages should hold a different connotation?

Because they are supposed to be forever?

How often does that happen? Look at the stats..

I think society in general has some magical fantasy about marriage, the proof is everywhere.. and reality rarely matches up. To me the 'institution of marriage' is a dying paradigm and I want no part of it.

I would wonder if they were the type to jump in too fast, with a penchant for fantasy based thinking and a habit of falling in love with love, but the simple fact that there were multiple marriages wouldn't be the deciding factor for me.


As usual, I agree with Shakti's sage wisdom. Not much more to be said.
 1in1000000000
Joined: 10/17/2010
Msg: 89
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Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/29/2011 12:54:34 AM

I usually agree with you but not here. Relationships and marriage are two very different things---apples and oranges. Making a lifetime commitment to someone and being in a relationship wherein no such commitment has been made are two completely different things. There is no comparison. None.


We will have to agree to disagree on this one. While I see what you are saying, I do see things differently, for the most part. Actually formally getting married does *usually* say something more than just living together or maintaining a long term relationship. But not always. There are no absolutes. I know people who have legally married, who have nothing but a sham of a marriage (no commitment to anything but appearances), while I know others who have maintained a decade or more in a committed relationship, yet never signed the papers or paid for the "license". Some folk want to judge the former, but not the latter, when their committal unions are dissolved multiple times? Not fair. As Shakti implied, legal marriage in this society is given some mystical, magical treatment that is really nothing but a figment of a lot of people's imaginations. And things are that way because most people interject some idea of "God" having some part in putting a legal marriage together, when that, again, is nothing but a figment of a lot of people's imaginations. Even the law books state that marriage (as someone else suggested) is nothing more than a corporation--a business. The CEO is the State, and the subordinate partners are the husband and wife. Any property (including children) they amass during the life of the business, technically is under the state's ownership and jurisdiction.

I understand and respect this idea you mention of a lifetime commitment. But the thing is, no government involvement is necessary in order for two people to make a lifetime commitment to one another. Nor are most legal marriages formed as lifetime commitments. If they were, there would be no such thing as divorce, and even if there were, it would be rare.
 maryjay51
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 90
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/29/2011 1:24:52 AM
i would never get involved with someone who had multiple marriages. thats a huge red flag to me .. first of all no one needs to be married that many times . there is something wrong with someone who thinks they need to be constantly married to someone
 1in1000000000
Joined: 10/17/2010
Msg: 91
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Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/29/2011 1:31:57 AM

there is something wrong with someone who thinks they need to be constantly married to someone


All that's wrong with them is that they (more often than not) are trying to conform to society's or their chosen religion's expectations. A lot of women marry because they don't want to be stigmatized as an "old maid" or "unwed mother". Lots of people don't want to "live in sin" or be seen as such. Many just want to appear "normal" and "moral" by maintaining what is supposed to be the social "norm", especially for a man of any socioeconomic status, or anyone playing the holy role.
 joemac356
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 92
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Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/29/2011 6:06:00 AM
Well, as usual, there are many absolutes and generalities put forth in this thread.
There also seems to be a common assumption that we should believe the reason(s) for divorce. What's to stop someone who cheated, got caught, was kicked out of the marriage, and then tells everyone that it was the other person's fault? It's not like we would know if we're being told the truth or not.
A marriage going the distance has become rare, rather than the norm, as was the case a couple of generations ago. Such is part of the evolution of society, I guess.
 maryjay51
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 93
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/29/2011 6:09:58 AM
i totally agree. i was raised that you got married and had kids .. also my generation i witnessed women being stay home moms and housewives. so i got married at 23 and divorced at 24.. i hated it. i love coming and going and doing my own thing. everyone keeps asking me when im going to get married and settle down and my answer is always NEVER.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 94
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Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/29/2011 7:26:09 AM
My most recent ex has been divorced 3 times, twice from her kids father (marriage 1 and 3). I almost became number 4, but after being on and off for 5 years I said no to marriage. When we were apart for 6 months two years ago, she got engaged to someone she knew for a month and a half. Definitely poor impulsive choice, but my fault for staying on this 5 year rollercoaster ride. I was ignorant to the red flags.
 Ms Cheevious
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 95
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Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/29/2011 7:24:38 PM

I see a person who marries someone who has been married more than twice as a potential victim of someone else's inability to make good decisions about marriage and to make a real commitment


Victim?? Victim?? So you don't think the "potential victim" should in any way be held responsible/accountable for having made the decision to marry the 2x+ married one? You ARE kidding, right?




Actually, I think people should have to put on their profiles how many times they've been married and state specifically if they are divorced. They should not be able to say they are single when they are, in fact, divorced....it doesn't matter how many years it has been since their divorce.



Wow..great idea! Assclowns already lying their ass off on their profile - age, height, weight, marital status, EVERYTHING......but the pangs of guilt will too much for them to lie about their # marriages...


*I* think EVERYONE should have a PUBLICALLY displayed, CURRENT picture on their profile, regardless of their alleged relationship status ( "happily taken", single, married..etc) and intent. (Markus could send a POF rep to everyone's house to obtain a current photo and 2 forms of ID ) This should not be a problem if one is in a truly trusting relationship, right? This would also tip off any "potential victims" of those here with hidden agendas. In addition, it will cut down on those who make snarky comments while enjoying the anonymity of hiding behind a computer, such as those who themselves have no public photo, but make unkind comments about another person's appearance.

Year ago, a person's last 5 forum posts were displayed at the bottom of their profile. I thought it fantabulous! Gives one insight into the REAL person, versus the "puppies and rainbows" persona some try to pass off in their profiles.
 lookingforbigo
Joined: 8/10/2011
Msg: 96
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/30/2011 7:11:25 AM
My ex had been marries 3 times before we me. I was very skeptical at first but everything felt real good and she kept telling me how different she this time and how i was so different. Guess i was wrong considering she is now my ex.
 forumjunkie942
Joined: 8/15/2011
Msg: 97
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/30/2011 8:28:30 AM
My thought on it is if something can be held against you in life, often times it will and does. I think this is universal in just about anything, not just the number of divorces.

My experience is most women I've met in the potential dating situation have constantly and consistently tried to find something wrong with me. Also I find this is the experience of other men I know, men of all backgrounds and social levels.

And if a woman can't find something wrong with you, then that's what's wrong with you, that nothing is obviously wrong. So I think as a guy, you just can't win. I think a guy with multiple divorces, it will be held against him and gradually less so if he's good looking and is financially successful. The better looking a guy is, the more most women seem to tolerate things that they would not if he was ugly. That's my personal observation, I don't require anyone to agree with it, I will say though, look outside at how people usually act. I don't think I'm saying anything groundbreaking here.

As for women, I think it's the same thing, most men will not hold your divorces against you if you are still young and very beautiful and don't have bad credit and don't smoke or do drugs or have a ton of children and debt. Though multiple divorces and youth are a rare combination.

I do think multiple divorces in general are not a positive thing in the dating world. It's a sign to others of perceived bad judgment. I'm not saying that's fair or right or accurate, I'm saying socially that's how it's usually treated. I do think the difference between one divorce and then multiples is a huge gap. I think most of society is forgiving to the first one ( like anything really), it's when it keeps happening that people seem to get leery.

But I'll point out Larry King. Old, not a good looking guy, his personality is a little bit creepy honestly but he has a buttload of MONEY. Even though he's divorced so many times, he has a giant stack of MONEY. IMHO, if you are a man, as long as you are good looking and have money, divorces won't be held against you as badly as it would for other men.
 blackchic
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 98
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/30/2011 10:26:47 AM
You need to ask Elizabeth Taylor, God rest her soul.....married 8 times.
 unclezeus
Joined: 5/12/2011
Msg: 99
Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/31/2011 9:43:55 AM

Suppose the first spouse, say, cheated, and the second one was abusive, or developed other very negative tendencies?


Ya, I would still say don't try any more. You're either not observant or you're impatient about getting married, and missing all these red flags.


Was their partner supposed to merely lie back and take it, or remain in a lifetime commitment where they weren't the one who betrayed the trust?


Whatever they do is their decision.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 100
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Multiple Marriages
Posted: 8/31/2011 12:33:50 PM

Ya, I would still say don't try any more. You're either not observant or you're impatient about getting married, and missing all these red flags.


As I said, people in general tend to be more tolerant of situations that are similar to their own. Some would equally find it a red flag that a person was in their 50s and never married, as evidenced by the numerous threads that have existed on that topic, but likely not if that person was also in their 50s and never able to have committed to another either.



Actually, I think people should have to put on their profiles how many times they've been married and state specifically if they are divorced. They should not be able to say they are single when they are, in fact, divorced....it doesn't matter how many years it has been since their divorce.


Again, situations mirroring personal tolerance levels or lack thereof. I'd personally prefer to see listed how many children out of wedlock someone has, with the number of baby mamas/daddys for the brood; I'd find that more of a red flag in most cases than number of divorces (within reason). But I do agree, whether divorced last year, or 20 years ago, one is still divorced.
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