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 twelfth_dimension
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 33
Guys and their mixed messagesPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Why not raise your standards a bit? If you are content to only "hang out once or twice a week, drink beer, watch movies and have sex", then you will get what you asked for -- a no-strings-attached casual sex partner who will eventually grow tired of the same routine with you and seek out more exciting prospects elsewhere.

"I can't give you what you want" is a pretty standard dose of ...

I don't want to see you anymore
I've found someone better
I want to have sex with other women and have you on the side, if you're down to settle for that.

... sugar-coated of course with "you're so beautiful and cool" for easy swallowing.
 whatagirlneeds12
Joined: 7/4/2011
Msg: 34
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 2:22:09 PM
A good player doesn't like a bad breakup, they want everyone to like them..you're not the one, if you were no matter how big a dog he was he'd trip over himself to be with you.

You're just filling the void until the right one comes along.

Why waste your time wondering what makes these guy's tick, who cares...move on..
He's just not that into you and if you really step back and look at him for a second I bet you're not that into him either...
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 35
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 2:52:08 PM
Basically when I guy says that he's done. Move on to the next one.
 Restomod
Joined: 9/17/2010
Msg: 37
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 3:15:51 PM
Why complicate life? A relationship requires that both parties want to move in the same direction. If the other person cannot move with you, or is not willing to, then the relationship is domed. If I have to think about my ability to be with someone, then I know she is not the right one for me, in other words you don't think what you feel about a person, you feel it. Since these men in question are not willing to move in the same path with you, simply move on.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 38
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 3:41:02 PM

• I just sent an email to a guy I met at a mixer some time ago
• we have been messaging each other for weeks
• I do not beat around the bush, and do not play games.
• I do not want a "pen pal"
• trying to figure out if he is interested or not.


KAT Your statement seems like a mixed message to Me. You say you don't need a Pen Pal, but that's all you've been doing. You say you don't beat around the bush, but you've let yourself be put on "hold" for weeks. You don't know if he's interested - WTF?!?! The guy's been writing to you for WEEKS, you think he's just bored or something? Of course he's "interested".

Stop using "is he interested?" as a catch-all term, you need to know just WHAT he is intererested in: DATES -SEX-KIDS-MARRIAGE....What??? He's interested in SOMETHING because he keeps writing to you. Why haven't you tried to figure out - better yet, why haven't you just ASKED HIM WHAT IT IS HE WANTS?
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 39
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History
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 3:55:29 PM
Quote:The issue is that over time they become more distant, or else just don't seem to want the relationship to progress any farther, but don't seem to have the balls (or desire) to end it altogether. Women do this too.
This is your answer OP, they want to keep the status quo, they do not want to advance the relationship but they don't want to lose you entirely because they would be alone then. So they string you along, it's a tactic, not mixed messages they are saying loudly that the want sex and to casually date with no committment on their terms, they are searching for the right one while having you as a backup plan. You can either allow this to continue or call them on their BS and walk away and find someone who doesn't want to play games.
 KAT4EVR
Joined: 1/23/2005
Msg: 40
view profile
History
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 4:09:45 PM
Ain't....I get it, trust me I get it. I just wanted to give him some time when he got back from his trip to golf to say something. It did not happen. Nothing, just a sentence or two " hi, how was your week? did you ride today? I hope you have a great week at work".....that is it. I have given him time to take the initiative and nothing. So, my initiative is what I did today.
Long term relationship is what...we both have it on our profiles. We talked about his divorce and his life and his work at the mixer and about me and my house, dogs, work and kids. (they are grown and gone now)
I do know some men don't want to tell a woman he is not interested and that he is just being nice and emailing her.
I like being nice and having a nice man around, but, if it is not going anywhere, I would rather just cut bait and move on. He does not ask questions outside of the ones I stated above, nothing personal , nothing that would let him know more about me. So, I get the notion that he is just killing time and is not interested in dating me or dancing with me again.
so, thanks for the insight you have, it just isn't happening for me like this. I will wait for his response.
 Pasionlatina529
Joined: 8/5/2011
Msg: 41
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 4:25:10 PM
Oooh yeah!! Heard this..grown ass men who say B/S that's what it amounts too. I've talked or written to too many men who put they are ready in their profiles and when you get to talking they are totally the opposite. While I understand that I may not be their preference..which I would rather they not even anwer it's those that initate a conversation and tell you they are ready, get talking and then die out..as soon as I see that I KNOW..they are opting out from going anywhere yet they are still here looking for others..with that Im just saying Don't Waste MY time....I'm just upfront about how I feel..life is to short to waste..so cut this loser you don't wanna waste ur time.

Don't make someone a PRIORITY when you're only an OPTION for them...seriously.
 Pasionlatina529
Joined: 8/5/2011
Msg: 42
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 4:26:40 PM
On the last paragraph...VERY well said...I shall be more cautious about who I think maybe serious when in fact they are not.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 43
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 4:47:15 PM

The issue is that over time they become more distant, or else just don't seem to want the relationship to progress any farther, but don't seem to have the balls (or desire) to end it altogether.

Look, tons of people start dating and find out that the attraction/interest just doesn't sustain. Nobody has actually done anything WRONG-the feelings just don't continue to develop. Women can have the same experience-he's a great guy,cool,etc, but the chemistry/interest just isn't developing. You can't tell the guy what he's doing "wrong"- because he isn't doing anything "wrong". The feelings just are not sustaining-and it generally isn't all that connected to sex, money, power or all the other BS that guys think "matter". And it's difficult to say to a guy "this just isn't going anyplace"-so, you do the female version of "its' not you, its' me"

OP, when a guy dials back-or ends- an involvement with you-don't immediately presume that you either did something wrong, failed some test, gave it up too soon, didn't give it up soon enough, or that the guy is trying to manipulate you or turn you into a booty call. Chances are that he just doesn't feel like the chemistry is continuing to work. The other possibility that "might" be a problem on your part, is if the guy really doesn't want to get serious and he feels like seriousness is where YOU are headed.

You cannot MAKE a relationship develop and go where you want it to, all on your own. Both people have to want that,at the same time and place-and that isn't as easy as some people seem to think it is. Oh yeah-just about anybody can go out and find a one-sided involvement where a person is crazy about someone and that someone permits that to become a "relationship", for whatever reason. But that mutual,vital chemistry that is needed for a strong ,durable, reliable relationship doesn't just grow on trees, ready to rain down on any man and woman who happen to have a few dates.
Cindy O
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 44
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 5:04:05 PM
Gawd I love it, just as expected a boo hoo for the ladies to bemoan the bad "mens" for not telling them in a harsh tone, it's over.

Let's not at all go into the classic woman fade, one day it's great, then no email, no phone call, just poof!! Yeah, another gender specific hate fest!!

But I can comment on one remark!

"stop depending on the guys to give you a perfect happy ending"

Gee, am I wrong, or did the ladies tell us long ago, that is what "BOB's" are for!!

Hahahahahaaa!!
 Tim0066
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 45
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 5:23:42 PM
Maybe they are not sending mixed messages you are just "hearing" mixed messages because thats what you want to hear...

Men tend to be pretty clear in what they say, women are always trying to "interpet" what men say... stop it... he said what he felt, he meant it word for word... stop being so stubborn and accept it.

If a man wants you he will tell you, clearly in no uncertain terms or ways that can be misundertood, if he doesn't do that then he doesn't want to date you... the mixed message is only mixed because he isn't telling you what you want to hear from him, period.
 RandomScause
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 47
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 5:29:37 PM
"A good player doesn't like a bad breakup, they want everyone to like them..."

Very true.

Most people on this site don't recognize that players can be good people. To the forum members most players are considered evil and despicable.

Some people play because they are happy, though, and they consider the world their playground, full of happy little playmates.

Some pleople play because they can't get enough in of the wonders of life, which are none else but the little play things.

Some people play coz they are only happy when they play.

Some people go to plays or to sports shows to see others play.

Play is a word I like to toy with, and people are toys players like to play with.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 48
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 5:34:11 PM

Maybe they are not sending mixed messages you are just "hearing" mixed messages because thats what you want to hear...

Men tend to be pretty clear in what they say, women are always trying to "interpet" what men say... stop it... he said what he felt, he meant it word for word... stop being so stubborn and accept it.

If a man wants you he will tell you, clearly in no uncertain terms or ways that can be misundertood, if he doesn't do that then he doesn't want to date you... the mixed message is only mixed because he isn't telling you what you want to hear from him, period.


This post has merit.

I have had several encounters with this type of situation.

Men don't talk in code we tend to say what we mean. When that doesn't match what the other wants to hear.

The interpretation begins.

No need for it at all.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 50
view profile
History
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 6:22:46 PM

Or else, maybe men and women just communicate using different ideas?

slightly different objectives would be more accurate, i think (to the extremely limited extent such generalizations can be applied). men tend to be more focused on simply transmitting information, and a direct, unadorned style lends itself to that. women tend place more importance on feelings and rapport and make conversational choices accordingly, which are often more oblique. present unfailingly direct company excepted, of course.


So what men say is clear to other men, and what women say is clear to other women?
difference of emotional investment is more germane than difference of gender in this context. of the people who read your op, it's safe to say as many women as men knew exactly what he was saying to you and why.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 51
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 6:42:42 PM
"My friend who I referenced in the OP, got sick of dating men and is currently dating a woman."

Hmmmmm, now from what I have understood, being gay, is not so much a lifestyle choice, as it is an imperative from your natural tendancies. Someone, anyone please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

This isn't a learned or chosen thing, sorry, your movie experience with some title like "something, something Jessica ___" is a fantasy. So then I must ascribe this whole contrived thread on men's communication skills, is BOGUS!!

I have found very few straight women, who willingly embrace an alternative lifestyle, because of the men they date.

Don't get me wrong, there are members of both sexes, who experimented, in high school or college, though those were as I said "experiments". No one and I mean no one I met, or posted on this forum that I read. Were driven to dating the same gender out of frustration.

Basically lady, I'm calling you a liar.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 53
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 6:56:44 PM

Don't get me wrong, there are members of both sexes, who experimented, in high school or college, though those were as I said "experiments". No one and I mean no one I met, or posted on this forum that I read. Were driven to dating the same gender out of frustration.


I have heard it said: "If I were only bi, my chances would improve by 50% on a Saturday night."
 RandomScause
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 54
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 7:14:46 PM
I have heard it said: "If I were only bi, my chances would improve by 50% on a Saturday night."----

Funny. So the hitherto unexperienced gender would be twice as selective as the original gender the "person" has historically and exclusively dated.

Darn, darn, darn, my parents, who forced me to take math lessons for twelve years!!!
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 56
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 7:28:01 PM
WOW!!! Isn't that convenient! I mean not being complicated.

In the post before, it sounded as though she was driven to dating women by knuckle dragging men with no communication skills.

Now she is conveniently become a bisexual. So then why don't you hop on the girl express as well?

I mean if ALL you find are men who "seem hesitant to be fully honest with us", it's a sure cure to what ails you, right?

There must 200 or more threads about guys trying spare a woman's feelings. Or encountering a woman who thinks all he needs is convincing she is the best thing for him since sliced bread! Or men citing women who reacted with rage upon rejection. He11 I have one of those from an email exchange just this week! Hahahahaha!

Your problem is you want your cake and eat it too. You want to be the cool chick, easy to hang with, easy to get into bed, if your both attracted. But then you look for more.

When it isn't there you do the wah wah on here about them not understanding you, or not communicating, when they said "no there isn't any more", in a round about way, wishing to run in place and hang out.

So then it's their fault, you didn't do your homework and ask "will there be more" before hopping in the sack. Further you want to lay this dead duck at the feet of men, rather than own your own part in this.

As I said, liar!

Edit to add: some of you need a clue! You need to read the whole thread, not just the OP. So your up to speed on where the debate is, or has reached.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 58
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 4:19:25 PM

(oohlala21) Okay. While most of the responses have been in the same vein regarding what those words really mean, no one has yet to address the fact that giving someone such mixed messages usually makes them feel worse as opposed to better. It's not a "nice" thing to do at all. So why do it?


Because some people aren't "nice", and they can get away with it.

Arlo...
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 59
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 4:29:54 PM
(OyVay...) Hmmmmm, now from what I have understood, being gay, is not so much a lifestyle choice, as it is an imperative from your natural tendancies. Someone, anyone please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.


Somewhat OT, but I've never understood why some people seem to think that homosexuality *MUST* be genetic, or it *MUST* be a lifestyle choice. I thought that there were *SOME* homosexuals *BORN* that way, and *SOME* homosexuals that were *MADE* that way, through external influences. Y'know, like most yooman beens... huh! And here I just learned that *EACH AND EVERY SINGLE* homosexual *MUST* have the *EXACT SAME CAUSE*.

Arlo...
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 60
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 4:50:57 PM
"homosexuals that were *MADE* that way"

Well gee, Arlo, I guess from what you said, if the woman you are on here seeking, turned out to not be interested in more with you, and gave you a wishy washy excuse for that thought. The first thing you would want to do is become a homosexual. That about right?
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 61
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 5:01:20 PM

(AT) "homosexuals that were *MADE* that way"



(OyVay...) Well gee, Arlo, I guess from what you said, if the woman you are on here seeking, turned out to not be interested in more with you, and gave you a wishy washy excuse for that thought. The first thing you would want to do is become a homosexual. That about right?


Well... yeah. What's your point?

Arlo...
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 62
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 5:26:02 PM



(AT) "homosexuals that were *MADE* that way"


(OyVay...) Well gee, Arlo, I guess from what you said, if the woman you are on here seeking, turned out to not be interested in more with you, and gave you a wishy washy excuse for that thought. The first thing you would want to do is become a homosexual. That about right?



Arlo:Well... yeah. What's your point?


Ah, don't bother....

... I made myself gay for a while in my profile and didn't get hit on ONCE, fer fvck sakes. Not ONCE, I tell you!...

... even though it was done it jest, originally, it was pretty disappointing that gay guys weren't interested in a pirate with a 37' mast. Sheesh.

What I DID get was only gay guy's profiles as My Matches every week....

... even after I'd become hetero again...



 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 63
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 5:30:30 PM

(CB) Ah, don't bother....

... I made myself gay for a while in my profile and didn't get hit on ONCE, fer fvck sakes. Not ONCE, I tell you!...

... even though it was done it jest, originally, it was pretty disappointing that gay guys weren't interested in a pirate with a 37' mast. Sheesh.

What I DID get was only gay guy's profiles as My Matches every week....

... even after I'd become hetero again...





Ah, but were you *BORN* wishy-washy, or were you *MADE* wishy-washy?

Arlo...
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