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 AUTHOR
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 43
Guys and their mixed messagesPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

The issue is that over time they become more distant, or else just don't seem to want the relationship to progress any farther, but don't seem to have the balls (or desire) to end it altogether.

Look, tons of people start dating and find out that the attraction/interest just doesn't sustain. Nobody has actually done anything WRONG-the feelings just don't continue to develop. Women can have the same experience-he's a great guy,cool,etc, but the chemistry/interest just isn't developing. You can't tell the guy what he's doing "wrong"- because he isn't doing anything "wrong". The feelings just are not sustaining-and it generally isn't all that connected to sex, money, power or all the other BS that guys think "matter". And it's difficult to say to a guy "this just isn't going anyplace"-so, you do the female version of "its' not you, its' me"

OP, when a guy dials back-or ends- an involvement with you-don't immediately presume that you either did something wrong, failed some test, gave it up too soon, didn't give it up soon enough, or that the guy is trying to manipulate you or turn you into a booty call. Chances are that he just doesn't feel like the chemistry is continuing to work. The other possibility that "might" be a problem on your part, is if the guy really doesn't want to get serious and he feels like seriousness is where YOU are headed.

You cannot MAKE a relationship develop and go where you want it to, all on your own. Both people have to want that,at the same time and place-and that isn't as easy as some people seem to think it is. Oh yeah-just about anybody can go out and find a one-sided involvement where a person is crazy about someone and that someone permits that to become a "relationship", for whatever reason. But that mutual,vital chemistry that is needed for a strong ,durable, reliable relationship doesn't just grow on trees, ready to rain down on any man and woman who happen to have a few dates.
Cindy O
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 44
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 5:04:05 PM
Gawd I love it, just as expected a boo hoo for the ladies to bemoan the bad "mens" for not telling them in a harsh tone, it's over.

Let's not at all go into the classic woman fade, one day it's great, then no email, no phone call, just poof!! Yeah, another gender specific hate fest!!

But I can comment on one remark!

"stop depending on the guys to give you a perfect happy ending"

Gee, am I wrong, or did the ladies tell us long ago, that is what "BOB's" are for!!

Hahahahahaaa!!
 Tim0066
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 45
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 5:23:42 PM
Maybe they are not sending mixed messages you are just "hearing" mixed messages because thats what you want to hear...

Men tend to be pretty clear in what they say, women are always trying to "interpet" what men say... stop it... he said what he felt, he meant it word for word... stop being so stubborn and accept it.

If a man wants you he will tell you, clearly in no uncertain terms or ways that can be misundertood, if he doesn't do that then he doesn't want to date you... the mixed message is only mixed because he isn't telling you what you want to hear from him, period.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 48
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 5:34:11 PM

Maybe they are not sending mixed messages you are just "hearing" mixed messages because thats what you want to hear...

Men tend to be pretty clear in what they say, women are always trying to "interpet" what men say... stop it... he said what he felt, he meant it word for word... stop being so stubborn and accept it.

If a man wants you he will tell you, clearly in no uncertain terms or ways that can be misundertood, if he doesn't do that then he doesn't want to date you... the mixed message is only mixed because he isn't telling you what you want to hear from him, period.


This post has merit.

I have had several encounters with this type of situation.

Men don't talk in code we tend to say what we mean. When that doesn't match what the other wants to hear.

The interpretation begins.

No need for it at all.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 50
view profile
History
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 6:22:46 PM

Or else, maybe men and women just communicate using different ideas?

slightly different objectives would be more accurate, i think (to the extremely limited extent such generalizations can be applied). men tend to be more focused on simply transmitting information, and a direct, unadorned style lends itself to that. women tend place more importance on feelings and rapport and make conversational choices accordingly, which are often more oblique. present unfailingly direct company excepted, of course.


So what men say is clear to other men, and what women say is clear to other women?
difference of emotional investment is more germane than difference of gender in this context. of the people who read your op, it's safe to say as many women as men knew exactly what he was saying to you and why.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 51
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 6:42:42 PM
"My friend who I referenced in the OP, got sick of dating men and is currently dating a woman."

Hmmmmm, now from what I have understood, being gay, is not so much a lifestyle choice, as it is an imperative from your natural tendancies. Someone, anyone please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

This isn't a learned or chosen thing, sorry, your movie experience with some title like "something, something Jessica ___" is a fantasy. So then I must ascribe this whole contrived thread on men's communication skills, is BOGUS!!

I have found very few straight women, who willingly embrace an alternative lifestyle, because of the men they date.

Don't get me wrong, there are members of both sexes, who experimented, in high school or college, though those were as I said "experiments". No one and I mean no one I met, or posted on this forum that I read. Were driven to dating the same gender out of frustration.

Basically lady, I'm calling you a liar.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 53
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 6:56:44 PM

Don't get me wrong, there are members of both sexes, who experimented, in high school or college, though those were as I said "experiments". No one and I mean no one I met, or posted on this forum that I read. Were driven to dating the same gender out of frustration.


I have heard it said: "If I were only bi, my chances would improve by 50% on a Saturday night."
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 56
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 7:28:01 PM
WOW!!! Isn't that convenient! I mean not being complicated.

In the post before, it sounded as though she was driven to dating women by knuckle dragging men with no communication skills.

Now she is conveniently become a bisexual. So then why don't you hop on the girl express as well?

I mean if ALL you find are men who "seem hesitant to be fully honest with us", it's a sure cure to what ails you, right?

There must 200 or more threads about guys trying spare a woman's feelings. Or encountering a woman who thinks all he needs is convincing she is the best thing for him since sliced bread! Or men citing women who reacted with rage upon rejection. He11 I have one of those from an email exchange just this week! Hahahahaha!

Your problem is you want your cake and eat it too. You want to be the cool chick, easy to hang with, easy to get into bed, if your both attracted. But then you look for more.

When it isn't there you do the wah wah on here about them not understanding you, or not communicating, when they said "no there isn't any more", in a round about way, wishing to run in place and hang out.

So then it's their fault, you didn't do your homework and ask "will there be more" before hopping in the sack. Further you want to lay this dead duck at the feet of men, rather than own your own part in this.

As I said, liar!

Edit to add: some of you need a clue! You need to read the whole thread, not just the OP. So your up to speed on where the debate is, or has reached.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 60
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 4:50:57 PM
"homosexuals that were *MADE* that way"

Well gee, Arlo, I guess from what you said, if the woman you are on here seeking, turned out to not be interested in more with you, and gave you a wishy washy excuse for that thought. The first thing you would want to do is become a homosexual. That about right?
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 62
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 5:26:02 PM



(AT) "homosexuals that were *MADE* that way"


(OyVay...) Well gee, Arlo, I guess from what you said, if the woman you are on here seeking, turned out to not be interested in more with you, and gave you a wishy washy excuse for that thought. The first thing you would want to do is become a homosexual. That about right?



Arlo:Well... yeah. What's your point?


Ah, don't bother....

... I made myself gay for a while in my profile and didn't get hit on ONCE, fer fvck sakes. Not ONCE, I tell you!...

... even though it was done it jest, originally, it was pretty disappointing that gay guys weren't interested in a pirate with a 37' mast. Sheesh.

What I DID get was only gay guy's profiles as My Matches every week....

... even after I'd become hetero again...



 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 64
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 5:52:46 PM
To get to the bottom of this,
let's run this thru the guy translation software.

"You're so beautiful, cool, I like spending time with you... I'm just not sure if I can give you all that I should right now."

whirr, whirrr

translation:

"I just found another chick who is hotter."

sorry.
Another shallow guy I guess.

Look Aloha Girl, You are very pretty from when
you had a picture posted. You are also smart
in the real world. It must just be bad luck in
the guys you bump into.

cus you CAN be choosier.
and should be.
Early on spell out how you expect to be treated.
and the guy best step up.
If he doesn't,
hit the bail button sooner and find a new guy.
You will always have that option.
Don't get wrapped up in knuckleheads and try to make it work.

good Luck!
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 71
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/24/2011 11:58:07 PM
It always cracks me up. Women won't communicate with the guy they are with. They won't look at the guys actions.

BUT they WILL ask a forum of perfect strangers to read their minds and decipher the codes of their actions. lol; come on. ASK THEM.

Say what is this relationship about. Are we exclusive, are we just FWB, what's the deal.

It's not maddening at all. The way you are handling it makes it maddening.

Obviously they are not that much into you and they dont' want much of a relationship. You let them have what they want, when they want and ask for hardly anything in return. They are obliging.

They are hooking up with other people for sure and spending time with others. If that is ok for you then talk to them and tell them that. If it's not then define your relationship.

with them! not with strangers through a forum.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 72
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/25/2011 12:00:35 AM
no they dont'. I wish I had a nickel for every time a woman will NOT take a hint.

I saw on one forum, a guy LITERALLY told the woman,"I don't want to see you anymore as a girlfriend. We can sleep together once in a while, but I'm going to mess around.

The woman's question? What does he mean? LOL

Women LOVE to blame all men for all their problems and that women are so great and men are terrible.

I've never had problems communicating things with men or women. That's because I'm up front and I am good at it. I dont' decipher or play games.

And I don't blame others for my shortcomings.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 77
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/26/2011 10:52:42 AM
guys do not send mixed messages.

You want to know what a guy is thinking? 1. ask him directly; 2. look at his actions.

Women don't do either and then say they are confused and messages are mixed.

Do you ever think a guy is going to tell a woman,"I don't think you are that beautiful but you are ok. I want to hang out once in a while but I'm attracted to other women more". I mean what do you think they are going to say.

Their actions show they are not that much into you. If they were they'd want to spend time with you. You also aren't exactly a ball of fire saying you are content to see eachother a couple times of week, in a pretty much friends with benefits situation.

They are hanging with other women and doing other thing. Both of you dont' have much of a commitment or passion in the relationship. It's more a convenience.

Again, I see this very clearly. Guys that lie will use words like a blanket to cover over their actions. If you want more of a commitment then ask for it. You aren't wanting much of one so you are getting it. good luck.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 78
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/26/2011 10:58:24 AM

I saw on one forum, a guy LITERALLY told the woman,"I don't want to see you anymore as a girlfriend. We can sleep together once in a while, but I'm going to mess around.

The woman's question? What does he mean? LOL

I don't think that's a mixed message. Do not assume all women are exactly the same, please. I wasn't assuming all men were the same when I wrote the OP. As I said in a later post, I was actually wanting to see the diversity of answers to my original questions.

please; this isn't 6th grade and no one said all women are the same. Ridiculous. I just read about 6 forums all with women wondering about a man's thoughts when it's very easily to see what they are.

Many women are easily fooled. Guys actions don't lie. If they give very little into a relationship, then it doesn't matter if they tell you they dream and think about you every second of the day and they can't live without you. Their actions show they are not into it. It may not be what the woman wants to hear, but that doesn't mean it's not the truth.

I know many female friends that go into worship mode with a guy and they will not face the truth about them until it's too late.

Many people dont' choose to WANT to believe the actions, because they don't like the answer. No one likes to be hurt or played or not wanted in the way we would like to, but I'd rather know the truth, then to deny the truth and attack those that try to get me to see it.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 79
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/26/2011 12:25:05 PM

You want to know what a guy is thinking? ... look at his actions.


Not to say that there aren't situations where a guy is "putting on an act"-but I don't think that's as common.

But mostly what you need to do is live your freakin' life. If you are seeing a guy or screwing a guy or some combination thereof, and he starts giving off "mixed" or "confusing" messages-via word or deed or some combination thereof, just figure he's losing interest, for whatever reason. If you are OK with an occasional date, a FwB, casual relationship with the guy, it's all good.
If you are looking for something more along the lines of commitment/long-term, get over a guy who is giving a "mixed message".
Cindy O
 SiRCaSaNoVa
Joined: 8/7/2011
Msg: 80
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/26/2011 1:43:12 PM
This should be called "Women & their Mixed Messages"...
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 82
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/26/2011 7:18:31 PM
mixed messages are really easy to decipher. all mixed messages mean the same thing. how much more simple can it get? mixed message = not interested.

oh, and guys, we women hate the fact that you dont have the guts to be up front with us and tell us you aren't interested. all the stupid "let her down easy" compliments are annoying. man up, be upfront, and stop wasting our time - and yours!
 KAT4EVR
Joined: 1/23/2005
Msg: 83
view profile
History
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/28/2011 6:40:14 AM
Some guys do send mixed messages. For what ever reasons. Not one person fits a perfect spot or can be pigeonholed as to one type or other.
Men want us to be direct, they are not always direct with women. Just a perception on my part.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 85
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/28/2011 12:41:48 PM
The main reason guys take the edge off is to spare women's feelings....as much as women tell men to man-up and make a move, don't fear rejection...yada yada...I've found women have a really tough time accepting rejection!

For the Generality Police....Not ALL women...but enough to make it a thing!


Anecdotal story;

Once I did a first date with a woman...she obviously lied on her profile...so we talked awhile and at one point she asked what I thought about "US"... I said I don't see anything coming out of all this. She burst into tears and cried; "What's wrong with me?'

Okay, psycho alert!

My ignorance was checked that night...I made a LOT of mistakes;
1. Didn't have a time-limited first meet...went right for the date...dinner and drinks.
2. I let HER pick the place....turned out to be a steak house/bar...no problem right? WRONG! It might as well have been named CHEERS....'cuz we walked in and everybody knew her name! (She didn't work there either!)
3. I bought her drinks....she drank a LOT!

Now, everyone was staring because I made her cry... YIKES!

So, I said nothing was wrong with her... Her; Aren't I PRETTY? Me; um, gulp, well ye_ah...(maybe when your picture was taken...) Her; Aren't I NICE? ...Um, ye_ah...(Yeah, nice and psycho!). Her; Aren't we getting along? ...Um, ye_ah (Yeah, 'cuz I'm just being polite...and the bathroom didn't have a window!).

So...I tell her.... I j..u..s..t don't feel the chemistry!...I get her calmed down...we chat for a bit...I tell her I gotta be up early the next day. She STILL asks if I want to come to her house...I decline and ask about her profile comment about no first date hookups...she rolls her eyes and said that was for "other" guys....(yeah, thanks...I'll pass..... I don't need my cat's boiled (I don't have bunnies...)).

So, I learned;
1. 20 minute DAYTIME first meet.
2. Public place, MY choosing.
3. Show up first.
4. Park away from the place.
5. Walk her to her car after.
6. go back to the place or hopefully another nearby store until she drives off.
7. THEN go to your car.

Women....These seven items are even better for YOU to use... for your own safety.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 86
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 9/2/2011 5:46:17 PM
jco415~

You said, "The main reason guys take the edge off is to spare women's feelings....as much as women tell men to man-up and make a move, don't fear rejection...yada yada...I've found women have a really tough time accepting rejection!"

women have a tough time with BS, and the mixed messages, the hedging, the blow off, does not take the edge off. it messes with a person's head.

if a guy looked me in the eye and said, "look, you are great, but i am just not feeling any chemistry between us...," or, "I am not interested," or, "i met someone else," i think that would be pretty easy to get over. you can't argue with that.

i have told guys upfront that i am not interested, and that seems to work very well. it is not mean to tell someone the truth. it hurts initially, but it goes away quickly, allowing the person to move on without lingering questions as to what went wrong. this is the kindest thing you can do for a person. just tell them the truth. period. i do it, and i appreciate it when men extend me the same courtesy.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 89
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 9/2/2011 6:02:56 PM

women have a tough time with BS, and the mixed messages, the hedging, the blow off, does not take the edge off. it messes with a person's head.


You only have a tough time with mixed messages because you WANT them to be mixed messages...people (some) want to read something into everything.

Good or bad...they will read as deep as needed to back up their foregone conclusion. Think I'm exaggerating? Read through the forums...There are tons of threads with women asking what HE really meant....and all the guys saying it's pretty clear.


if a guy looked me in the eye and said, "look, you are great, but i am just not feeling any chemistry between us...," or, "I am not interested," or, "i met someone else," i think that would be pretty easy to get over. you can't argue with that.


REALLY?

Here's two links to not threads, but thread searches...of people asking what the other sex meant/means...

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/search.aspx
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/search.aspx
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 92
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 9/3/2011 8:09:54 AM

The more I date the more I realize that I am the one that makes them "mixed messages." I don't want to admit to the truth which is "He's just not that into you"


Thank you....that is pretty accurate....and don't feel bad, we ALL do it at some point.... the trick is to learn and realize the mix is in US.

The only way we truly know someones intent is if their actions match their words.
 unclezeus
Joined: 5/12/2011
Msg: 94
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 9/3/2011 9:40:42 AM
Okay, so guys have mixed signals, so do women.
The fact is you're in your 20's. Most people are not ready to settle down with one yet, if ever, today, in their early to mid 20's, and honestly really should not.
Many waste these years trying to be committed to someone, cling and hold on to whom they think is the best they can ever do in their life, but really most of the time these people are not prepared to be committed to any one because they barely have their own life squared up.

Life now , at your age, is so hormonal and on top of that, everyone is trying to find a purpose for living, and there seems to be a prevalent angst about being alone or being alone forever. LOL..life is just beginning in your 20's.

Give your self some stretching room. If someone shows up, have some some fun, but keep in the back of your mind, "This isn't necessarily the one and only". Its more of a "Bump and hi, have a good life".

Okay so back to mixed signals.
Forget about it. Just ride it out and expect the worst. Its going to be awhile before you find calm seas.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 96
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 9/3/2011 9:50:12 PM
jco415

of course there are tons of threads out there of people trying to figure out what the other person is really saying. maybe if people just said what they really meant then there wouldn't be all those confused people out there posting threads like this.

i think it's best just to tell someone you are not interested and leave it at that. it's pretty clear.
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