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Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 36
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Physically abused for the first timePage 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
He needs to go do all those things he's promising, but alone. He does not need to drag you or your child though his therapy. If he's sincere he would get the help he needs and not expect you to be there with him. You need to get your own counseling and you both need to not worry about being together until you have worked on this alone. I'm sure if he's sincere and you are being honest, that your therapists will know when you two might try therapy together.

Yes some people can't drink, they turn into monsters and should never ever drink again. But it's very important that he's not trying to keep you, that his goal is to find out what happened to him and to do something about it. When it depends on you being there for him to want to get help then it's usually just an excuse and he's not really looking to get help, he's just trying to get you to get over it...until the next time. People don't just accidentally beat you up, there's a reason for it.
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 37
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 10:34:00 AM
i had that happen to me one time, years ago. dating a guy, shows up drunk, i was not happy, he slapped me across the face and held me down to keep me from leaving.
he fell asleep, i left. he was gone the next morning. he tried to speak to me a couple days later, i told him to get lost, never come around me again.
i never wanted to experience that side of him and i figured if it showed up once it could show up again.
i would never continue seeing someone that showed aggression toward me or others.
pretty simple.

i know what i did but i can't tell you what to do.

Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 40
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 10:51:56 AM
Call the police, file a report and try to have the dirt bag arrested. and NEVER EVER go back. It will only get worse.
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 42
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:27:20 PM
An extreme personality change when a person has been drinking it a major red flag. However, if you sincerely believe the person is otherwise of good character, and he is sincerely sorry, there may still be a chance. Sincerely sorry would be putting his words into action and seeing a counsellor as well as total abstinence from alcohol. And if you are sincere in your affections with him, you would too abstain in support. |I would suggest at least a year, maybe two to ensure he can live up to his word before you commit. And.. if there is ANY lapse.. be gone.
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 43
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:27:59 PM
In 3 years you should know this guy pretty well. If it is completely out of character for him, then you might want to consider treating this as an incident and not a pattern. He seems willing to do everything he can to make this right - or as right as possible.

There are abusive guys out there, but it's pretty rare for it to take 3 years for it to show up. Clearly you need to protect yourself and your son, but cautious steps do not preclude continuing with him. If this is the first time you've seen him drunk in 3 years, giving up alcohol will not be a serious hardship. I'd miss the odd glass of wine or beer, but I could live quite comfortably without ever drinking again.
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 44
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 3:28:36 PM
Pay attention to the words from an ex cop.

This WILL happen again. He will beg and plead, swear he's sorry and it'll never happen again. He will give you flowers and gifts. He will promise you the moon.

And then, inevitably, he will beat the hell out of you again. And the cycle of promises and gifts will occur, and he'll beat you again.

Get out now. NOW. Call the law and report the assault. Take pictures of your bruises and any other damage, physical and to your flat.

Get your things and move to a safe place.
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 45
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 4:34:04 PM
you just have to date an alcoholic, don't you?
stay and you get beaten up again.

your choice
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 47
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 5:08:21 PM

Three weeks ago he got drunk for the first time and turned into a monster. He became disorientated, he pushed me about, spoke to me very aggressively and he kicked me in the ribs.
We are both shocked at his reaction. Me particularly because he couldnt remember the dreadful incident!

He sounds like he is suffering from Alcohol induced psychosis.

If he has been a great guy for three years; keep in mind you do not live with him and he may have been as horrible, on other occasions you are not aware of, as he was to you recently.

If he is a regular drinker it may not take much to push his alcohol infused brain over the edge. But, with that in mind, if he became this violent only on the occasion of complete drunkenness he may be suffering from the above disorder. Like a schizophrenic he would not totally remember his actions.

A drunk psychotic person can completely change his behavior. He literally does not have complete control of his facilities. This can make him a danger, not just to you and others, but to himself as well.

Why not go with him to a competent psychiatrist, one familiar with this disorder. At the very least, you may be able to eliminate that he has an illness and find he is just a mean drunk. Either way though he will not be able to drink again. Would you be ok with that? Usually it means you need to give up alcohol as well.
Btw how did the kick in the ribs come about? Were you arguing or physically assaulting one another; or did it just come out of nowhere?
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 48
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 7:18:29 PM
OP... You have received an abundance of good advice in this thread and I hope you will follow it BUT, with the way you've drafted your original post, I don't think you will. You are attempting to rationalize this man's physical assault on you and when people rationalize, I believe it is because they don't want to accept the realities of the situation. You say you don't know what to do but you DO know. You're not an inexperienced young woman who has no life experience to measure by. You're a 40 year old mother of one who is, according to your profile, well-travelled and well-educated. Perhaps, it would be more correct for you to say, "I do know what to do but I don't want to do it."??

What your boyfriend did to you is against the law. It is an offence that would mark him as a criminal and take away his ability to work in certain occupations if he was found guilty. It's pretty obvious that you have not involved the law because if you did, you would be writing to ask us about how to cope with a boyfriend who is doing time in prison. He has, by your good will only, escaped the adult consequences for his decision to drink too much and to physically assault someone. This is what also tells me that you really don't want to "do" anything... You've already absolved him of the consequences he SHOULD be facing. He was not overtaken by a demon. He did not suddenly become someone else. The bottle does not hold some evil elixir that spins him around and forces him to become nasty. It was his own decision to drink too much and then let down the barriers I think he has been keeping up around some pretty angry feelings and resentments that he has for you. I have no doubt you know this so I'll not belabour it further.

I do want to say to you that IF by some miracle you DO decide to leave him, you need to be extremely careful in how you go about it. Since he's already proven his capacity for violence, you are now standing under the umbrella of many other women who know that it is when they leave, that they are in the most danger. You need to take special precautions such as taking back any keys he may have or changing passcodes and passwords on bank accounts and such. You need to make the break in public and not allow yourself to be convinced to meet him in a private spot. You need to increase security around your son and vary his and your own routines. Perhaps, before you do anything or say anything, you should meet with someone from a battered woman's shelter to have them discuss what you need to do to stay safe while leaving. I implore you to do this carefully and NOT to assume that he is incapable of any further violence.

If you choose to continue to rationalize his behavior, then I can only hope you will come to the place where you are strong enough to stop your brain from playing around with the truth and take the steps you know you MUST take. Wishing you the courage to feel the feelings and do what is best for you and your child anyway... Good luck!
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 49
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 7:44:03 PM
Silken Fire, that is excellent advice for women who know they are in an abusive relationship.

But the OP is in shock. She is not accustomed to this behavior from her bf.

Why I asked her what precipitated the ‘kick in the ribs’. Not that I would ever excuse a person kicking another but if they were being physical, as in fighting with one another. One is usually on the ground when being kicked in the ribs. So more than just this kick occurred before it. Also, there is a kick, as in kicking her away from him; and there is a kick meant to injure. In the latter case she would have had no choice but to inform the police for such a kick, from a man to a small woman, would have fractured her ribs which would, by necessity, require immediate medical attention.

So, we need to know the facts; not just the rage from a hurt ego.

The days of “He hit me” while she appears unharmed and he stands bruised are long gone. Do not misunderstand, I am not advocating that he was in any way justified in any sort of physical contact with her. For I firmly believe that the stronger person, even when attacked by their love, should leave, walk away. However, with a drunk, clear thinking is not involved.

So again, if I may, OP and if you can, tell us what precipitated the ‘kick in the ribs’.
Additionally, did you require medical attention?

Without these answers we are assuming circumstances not in fact.
Joined: 1/23/2011
Msg: 50
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 9:06:58 PM
This should never be a case of 'three strikes you're out''s a case of 'three strikes and you could be DEAD'. Once that invisible line has been crossed it gets exponentially easier to cross it the next and subsequent times...and it will happen again.

Yes unfortunately I am speaking from experience. I too was once naive about abuse, never having any kind of abuse in my background it was an unknown quantity that took me some time to get figured out. Some abusers are able to hide their latent abusive tendencies for long periods of time...or at least until they feel their partners are so emotionally, sometimes financially, dependent upon them that the partner is then a 'safe' target for their anger and abuse.

Alcohol does not create abuse. The abusive personality was always there, it was just hidden very very well. There is no known cure. The type of counciling he would need very specialized, even if it were available in your area.

My advice is to access online information from reputable sources and access a women's support centre in your area as soon as possible. Even one incident of abuse can leave a person with PTSD, (post traumatic stress disorder), which left untreated may have repercussions far down the road.
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 51
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 9:22:01 PM

He became disorientated, he pushed me about, spoke to me very aggressively and he kicked me in the ribs.

There is your answer msg 53.

Stop trying to blame the victim! I agree with dogslife, please don't make light of the fact she was physically attacked.

To the OP, please stop seeing this man. He just gave you insight to the person he really is and you and your child will be in danger.
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 52
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 9:44:31 PM
General response to msg. 53... I am quite in agreement with dogslife2live001's view. Am I correct that you appear to be saying that the OP's being kicked in the ribs is evidence that she likely provoked the assault because people are usually lying down when they are kicked in the ribs? Huh? You go on to say that if he was kicking her in self-defence then it would not be an assault?? Am I reading you right?? In any case, the issue is not about how she came to be kicked in the ribs by her lover. It has nothing to do with why he kicked her or his mental status at the time of his assault. The fact of the kick itself is all I need to hear and I don't think assault necessarily includes the assailant having to have mens rea (mental intention) in order for the pushing & kicking to be considered an assault.

I agree with dogslife2live in that readjusting the facts based on whatever precipitated the event is merely smokescreening or "playing with the truth". I don't think the OP needs to do any more of that... as I believe I previously mentioned.
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 54
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 9:48:16 PM

Stop trying to blame the victim! I agree with dogslife, please don't make light of the fact she was physically attacked.~Blue-Eyes-Shine~msg 56

Please show me where I blamed the OP.

Did you not read where I stated: I am not advocating that he was in any way justified in any sort of physical contact with her. For I firmly believe that the stronger person, even when attacked by their love, should leave, walk away.

The only person who has made light of the ‘attack’ as you refer to it, is the OP.
Why she is seeking answers and explanations.
Had she reacted, as you strongly advocate, her bf would be facing criminal charges.
Joined: 5/12/2011
Msg: 55
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 10:02:43 PM
Walk away from him. You don't need that threat in your life.
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 56
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 10:13:35 PM

We don't need to know any of these specifics.
Has nothing to do with the thread topic.~velma valeto, msg 58

Thread: Physically abused for the first time

Has nothing to do with whether or not this was a case of domestic physical abuse. We do not need to know "the facts." ~velmavaleto,msg 58

Is it not great that when a person comes on these forums some here will answer as this one does. NO NEED TO KNOW THE FACTS.

Think about this; if your opinion is not based on facts, of what value is it? Merely sentiment is not helpful.

We are not the police, the judge, or the jury. Ridiculous. Seems like nothing more than prurient interest to me.~velma, msg 58~

No, we are not the authorities. However, does that mean we should offer off the shoulder comments without any grounding? How does that benefit the OP? Does she not need to know how others, with authority, may view this. I think she deserves that much.

BTW, yours is the only reference to the sexual aspects of this issue. Care to explain?
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 57
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 11:26:13 PM

He sounds like he is suffering from Alcohol induced psychosis.

Ahhh, so THATS what drunks use as an excuse to do whatever the f#ck they want? Oh Bo0flippinHoo, those poor people!!

Someone who binge drinks every weekend is still an alcoholic in my books, but don't take my word for it. I'm sure the AA folks would have their own description of it....

And it took this jerk-off 3 years to show his ugliness? I don't believe it. The signs were always there, but either the OP didn't recognize them OR chose not to see them.

Nevertheless, OP is not ready to get rid of this guy. Unfortunately her next kick may not be in the ribs. I hope she has a good health and dental plan.
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 59
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/28/2011 11:49:57 PM
Velma, maybe the guy didn't have that good of a good lawyer? lol (kidding)

I do feel for the people who can't handle their booze and make fools of themselves. But that ends when they get nasty and violent.

I would expect that if I chose to drive drunk and kill someone, I would go to prison too. Unless my good and expensive lawyer could get me

Kidding aside, I don't think that this guy's ugliness took 3 years to show itself. And I think that is why she never lived with him too.
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 62
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 12:47:36 AM
OP: what if your child gets in the way trying to protect you and then THEY are the one who gets a broken rib? Or worse thrown agaisnt a wall?

LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT. Once is enough, and words are just empty promises. Its the ACTIONS one does that is the maker or breaker. He hurt you once and I GUARANTEE it will happen again down the road. If drinking makes him act like a crazed lunatic then hes not safe to be around.

Get out of it now, and dont ever look back. Love yourself and your child enough to stay away from this potential danger. You dont want to be a headline, or worse an OB.
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 64
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 1:28:07 AM
if you are thinking of keeping him around then you also need to go see a counselor to see why you want to consider keeping someone who abused you.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 66
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 6:32:59 AM

Drinking only allows people to give themselves an excuse to do something they would do anyway.

I am going to stick with this statement here.

I drink. I also have been in arguments with exes while under the influence. We may have had a big argument, but never, ever, ever, ever, did I, or would I have hit them. Not even when they have thrown something at me. Hitting a woman is the sign of a coward. booze or no booze. I do not know what type of relationship the OP has, but sounds to me that this guys is one of those passive aggressive types. So what happens to this type or personality? They seem to accept, and be easy going but when they snap they snap. The problem is that instead of dealing with things when they are small, they let it grow until they can't take it any more. Passive aggressive people then create a lot of tension in the relationship.

If the OP accepts his excuse, the OP also will be accepting how they deal with issues. That sense of repression will permeate through the whole relationship until he explodes again, and again. By that time you will be stuck in a cycle of violence. Because these emotions tend to be intense, when you put up with them, you become addicted to those emotions, to the intensity, so then it makes it very difficult to break away from that person because you become practically addicted to the pain.

Now, if the OP decides to stay together, how long before it happens again. And while everything is going well and there are no arguments, will not be the way to judge this, but when they have their next argument, will they arrive at some agreement and move on, or will it escalate AGAIN, to some unrecognizable level.

So my advice. Dump the guy. Men that hit women are not men.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 67
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 6:55:38 AM
Sound to me his drinking is the real problem here
3 years and no abuse, good dad.....
get him help, if he drinks sooo much that he can not remember, ...he has a problem.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 68
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 7:10:03 AM
Walk away and let him live with the guilt, perhaps it will stop him from drinking again but at least you and your son will not be around if it does not happen.
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 70
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 9:44:10 AM
hallelujah, sister..glad u r letting this one go, goldspot
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 71
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 10:23:17 AM
OP-while it wasn't necessary( the only FACT that matters here is that he physically abused you)-thank you for giving us more detail. I don't think it's going to change many answers.

To help you in your resolve, let me make an observation based on some personal experience long ago with a brain-injured man.

It sounds to me like he has some trouble handling frustration-have there been previous situations where "stuff" got damaged, or other interpersonal relations( with friends, neighbors,etc) were negatively impacted?

I'm not suggesting that this man is particularly suffering from some past injury/illness, some people just have a very low tolerance for frustration. My concern is, that if he "got away with it" once- that is to say,taking his frustration out on YOU-that you may become a more frequent target for his frustration-or your child may be.

Since you do not live with him,and from what you've told us there are no business or other legal connections requiring you to be in contact-I'm not sure that I agree with you fleeing to a battered womens' shelter. But DO change the locks on your place of residence and if you own a vehicle-and he happens to have a key for it-make sure you get the key back-or change the locking/ignition system( this may be rather expensive on a newer car)and limit your contact with him...don't give him any opportunity to beg, cajole or argue his way back into your life.
Ending this relationship will be for the good of all of not lose sight of that. Perhaps he will seek professional help if he is truly appalled at his own behavior. And you and your child won't be walking on eggshells worrying about the NEXT time he drinks too much or gets frustrated about something.
Best of luck to you!
Cindy O
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