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 AUTHOR
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 72
Physically abused for the first timePage 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

I did not provoke this incident.


OP, You need to stop this type of thinking. What if you actually had a verbal disagreement. What if you actually "provoked" him per say. It does not matter. It does not justify HIS behavior. Stay away from that type of thinking because the abuser never, ever takes responsibility for their own actions. Even when they say "I am sorry" which they may say a lot. There's that silent "But" that follows "look what you made me do." "You provoked me.." "If YOU Me whatever had not done, drunk, seen, be told, x this would have not happened."

There is no excuse or justification for violence. PERIOD. This man will do this again. Only thing is that if you are still there, he will know you will buy his excuse. If you are not there, someone else will buy his excuse.

Your choice to not see this man is a good one. But please make it stick. Many times, after the shock women split with men like this, only after all emotions have come down for the men to apologize, the women to take them back, until the next incident happens. And what happens if next time was because you legitimately complained about something.

Remember, the writing in on the wall. Stick to your decision to not see this man again. And that also means. Do not remain friends.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 74
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 1:01:35 PM
I have been seeing someone for nearly three years.
Three weeks ago he got drunk for the first time and turned into a monster.
So now we are on a break and I am thinking of ending our relationship. I just feel really betrayed, empty, numb.


I just notice you’ve been on this dating site about ten days now. With some of the sexiest pics I’ve ever seen here. I imagine you’ve been getting a lot of responses? Must be quite a busy time for you.

In addition to feeling betrayed, empty and numb and having a confused brain, starting an account on a dating site and loading pics, and now getting ready to meet new and interested strangers… well, for someone who’s been physically abused and was until 36 hours ago, only "thinking" of ending your relationship, it’s nice to see you re-entering single life with such gusto. I wish you only the best.

Perhaps we’ve been of help.
 mr_explorer
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 76
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 3:35:33 PM
notes to myself, if you want the woman to stick around, beat her up. idiot OP
 Bladesmith81801
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 77
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 3:50:31 PM
"Hi
Thank you guys for your replies. Just to set the record straight, I did not provoke this incident. He basically drank too much and became disoreintated.

This is how it started: I tried to walk him back to the hotel and mistakingly took us to the wrong one. This when he was pulling and dragging me because he thought I was the one who was disoreintated. After an aggressive tug of war, I told him I was leaving him there and going back to the right hotel. I walked for a bit and sat down exasperated. I needed to rethink the situation as there was no way I could leave him in that state.
Thats when I saw him walking towards me and he then kicked me. He apologised as soon as he heard me yelp in pain. At that moment he sobered up suddenly and we walked back to the right hotel afterwards in silence.

Reading your comments have really shed some light to my very confused brain. I never wanted to have a relationship with an abusive man ..and this is what he has become. So on that note, I will be strong and let him go.

Thank you all. x "


Dear Goldpot,

Excellent, well done, and bravo. You're doing the right thing. Stay strong, don't go back, and step forward into your new and much safer life. Best of luck.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 78
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 4:16:18 PM

In addition to feeling betrayed, empty and numb and having a confused brain, starting an account on a dating site and loading pics, and now getting ready to meet new and interested strangers… well, for someone who’s been physically abused and was until 36 hours ago, only "thinking" of ending your relationship, it’s nice to see you re-entering single life with such gusto. I wish you only the best.


You know what. I commend the OP for doing all of the above. It means that instead of letting yourself feel down, she is willing to move on with her life and start taking the steps that would go in that direction. So if the statement above was just being facetious, I would say, give the OP some room. Now if in the other hand the poster meant the "I wish you only the best." With sincerity, then my bad for my perhaps jaded interpretation.
 Ms Cheevious
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 79
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 5:23:05 PM

This is how it started: I tried to walk him back to the hotel and mistakingly took us to the wrong one. This when he was pulling and dragging me because he thought I was the one who was disoreintated. After an aggressive tug of war, I told him I was leaving him there and going back to the right hotel. I walked for a bit and sat down exasperated. I needed to rethink the situation as there was no way I could leave him in that state.
Thats when I saw him walking towards me and he then kicked me. He apologised as soon as he heard me yelp in pain. At that moment he sobered up suddenly and we walked back to the right hotel afterwards in silence.



ahhhh...............so you were BOTH falling down, drunk as skunks.

Are you SURE you don't have YOUR facts confused?? Your updated account of the events is flaky, at best. You've done a great job of making yourself out as the innocent victim. I think you are anything BUT.

You are accusing this man of assault and battery, a VERY serious offense. We're talking criminal charges, jail time....no shit stuff...

So, I've gotta ask the obvious -

WHY didn't you notify the police? WHY didn't you file a police report? Could it be that you were too drunk, FOS, and incoherent to accomplish this?

HOW can you get kicked in the ribs, but get right up and walk??

WHY didn't you go to a medical facility and get checked for internal injuries, cracked/broken ribs, etc??

WHY IN THE FVCK DID YOU WILLINGLY GO TO A HOTEL WITH A GUY WHO JUST ASSAULTED YOU??????




In addition to feeling betrayed, empty and numb and having a confused brain, starting an account on a dating site and loading pics, and now getting ready to meet new and interested strangers… well, for someone who’s been physically abused and was until 36 hours ago, only "thinking" of ending your relationship, it’s nice to see you re-entering single life with such gusto.


My thoughts exactly. Gurl sure made a miraculous recovery in record time don'tcha think?

I call BS on this whole doozy of a tale. I give it a D. It was below average in originality and credibility. I think the intent was solely to attract attention.

Methinks she 'cried wolf' and the majority of the posters on here jumped on her "woe is me' bandwagon, never questioning her version of the incident. I'd love to hear the MAN's side of this story.

I know, I know............Ms Cheevious...HOW can you be so HEARTLESS? sob, sob...boo hoo


ON TOPIC - If you are being abused, get the HELL out of Dodge IMMEDIATELY and get the law involved! DUH...
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 80
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 6:19:28 PM
They all say it will never happen again. It always does, it's a cycle of violence. Being on a break from him was a smart move on your part. What if he had broken your rib(s)? He could have done serious damage to you. If you are in any pain, you could have a fracture or a bruised bone. Did you seek medical treatment? Consider this: Who is going to take care of your son if he seriously injures you? What if he gets drunk again injures your son? What is your son is present & he does it again?Will he blame that on a "black out" too? What if there is police involvement? Police=DCFS they are mandated reporters. There are many women in the court system now, who were victims of domestic violence. Their children were removed from their care, because of the unsafe environment caused by their mate. If you think you have problems now, it is nothing compared to the hell you will be in if he "slips" or goes off the wagon, & you become court involved w/DCFS. This guy is not worth it. It isn't going to really affect him if YOU lose your child, He'll grieve the relationship & move on. Your hell will last a long time after he is gone out of your life, while you are fighting to have your child returned home. Every Mom in the court system believed he would never do it again. They didn't think they would lose their child b/c they were victims. All it took was someone to call the cops on an out of control violent drunk while their child was present. This guy is a loose cannon, get rid of him. He may say he's changed to get you back, but his violence will continue to escalate. You need to worry about you & your son. This guy showed you in the worst way possible that he is out of control. Don't believe his lies. Get rid of him before he ruins your lives, He has proved he is not worthy of you!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 81
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 7:00:47 PM

ahhhh...............so you were BOTH falling down, drunk as skunks.

Are you SURE you don't have YOUR facts confused?? Your updated account of the events is flaky, at best. You've done a great job of making yourself out as the innocent victim. I think you are anything BUT.



Okay, this is when the forum people begin a character assassination of whom ever the OP may be. Reflecting their own lives and practically trying to tear an other a ss hole out of the poor person. Usually I do not care. Defend yourself. But the bottom line is this. The OP is confused, she got kicked, maybe not as strong to send her to the hospital but strong enough to create an impression. Violence is not about breaking the bone, or drawing blood. Violence is about violating a trust and causing phishical pain. If he had simply slapped the s hit of the op, would that make it right? Absolutely not.





You are accusing this man of assault and battery, a VERY serious offense. We're talking criminal charges, jail time....no shit stuff...



She is not accusing him in a court of law, she is going to a website where she has a degree of anonymity and without mentioning his name, is expression her doubts and feelings. I don't see anything wrong with that. And let's say that this is actually a self gratifying show to get attention. So what. Will that still give this guy a right to hit her? Absolutely not. I find this type of attitude as part of the problem with the attitudes out there with domestic violence.



WHY didn't you notify the police? WHY didn't you file a police report? Could it be that you were too drunk, FOS, and incoherent to accomplish this?

HOW can you get kicked in the ribs, but get right up and walk??



Let's assume that she was also drunk. Does that justify what the guy did? No. If anything the fact that she is not filing a report indicates that she wants to sort this thing out in her head. That she feels very guilty, that she also cares for the guy. And how can you get kicked in the ribs and then walk? Hello. I have been kicked on the ribs and walked. Hard too. But that is besides the point. It does not justify a guy doing it to a woman. Whether it was hard enough to break bone, or to just say ouch that hurts. There is no justification for this action. Period.



WHY didn't you go to a medical facility and get checked for internal injuries, cracked/broken ribs, etc??


Perhaps the person making this statement now is projecting. Perhaps previous experiences. Perhaps not. But most women do not report anything when this happens.




WHY IN THE FVCK DID YOU WILLINGLY GO TO A HOTEL WITH A GUY WHO JUST ASSAULTED YOU??????



This is where the comments got out of hand. Read. This woman was dating this man. Then he got out of hand. Then he behaved. They are both drunk or halfway drunk. Still does not justify the violence. But the reality is that MOST women, and this are facts you can find anywhere, still will take the man in. So the all caps, the whole attitude of the post, the anger, does not help anyone. Particularly the OP.

Violence is violence. And comments like this seem to just create a shroud of doubt trying to justify the violence. The OP has every right to question. Every right to feel confused. Every right to walk away.

Even every right NOT to escalate this to include the legal system. But simply to move on away from this event and this individual.
 MedCricket
Joined: 3/1/2011
Msg: 82
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 7:46:24 PM
I had the exact same experience. He got drunk and assaulted me. I was so lucky that someone was there to witness it and call him off. He then fled the scene. The police were called and they caught him. I was injured so bad that I was taken to the hospital. He hit me in the head about 10 times. And while I was trying to get away, I used a holly bush as a refuge to try and get him off. Therefore, I was a pin cushon for a few minutes. We were together for 5 years......and then suddenly apart. And just like your experience, he doesn't remember it and denies it all. After I pressed charges, he was guilty of felony assault (most assaults are only misdemeanors) where he was given 8 years in prison. He tried everything in the book to get me to drop the charges. EVERYTHING! He even violated the protective order 5 times. So that added to his punishment.

No one deserves to be hit or assaulted (physically or verbally) whether they are drunk or sober. If you can control your actions under the influence, why can't they? Regardless, he is not worthy of you and you deserve better.

It has taken me 3 years to get over the fact that it happened to me, and that much longer to heal (my heart). I think about him everyday. I'm so glad I made the choices that I did. I don't think I could sleep at night wondering if he is going to do it again.
 johnny3553
Joined: 6/21/2011
Msg: 83
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 8:10:58 PM
Get out now before you get hurt. He kicked you in the ribs. In vino veritas. The booze just showed you what kind of person he really is.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 84
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/29/2011 9:37:20 PM

oh boohoo. he made one mistake.


And that "mistake" could escalade into more physical abuse, among other things.


that's nothing.


You call a man assaulting a woman by kicking her in the ribs (She was fortune he didn't break any) as "nothing?" Someone call the troll police.


some girls end up in hospitals because of loser guys who have none of the good qualities you mentioned.


Men and women can have all of the "good qualities" in the book, but that doesn't excuse physical abuse and doesn't make it an exception just because of a person's qualities.


if he's willing to get help, you should give him a chance.


If you want to give a man a chance the first time he puts his hands on you, that is your choice. However, OP decided to go a different path. I say good for her, and hopefully it stays that way.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 88
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/30/2011 4:27:19 AM
It was my birthday that day and I did have a few drinks...but not to be paraletically drunk. I could still hold a conversation! My partner thought I was disorientated because he was the one who was drunk.

No, he didn’t think you were disoriented because he was drunk. He thought so because you really were.

And you were drunk. Not paralysed drunk – you could still talk. But still drunk.

Maybe it is a common mistake to go to the wrong hotel. As you were doing. But it is much more common to go to the right one. As he was trying to do.

An aggressive tug of war involves two people pulling on each other. You were drunk and lost and pulling him in the wrong direction. Yet he let you walk away when you wanted to. He didn’t stop you.

You walked a bit and sat down “exasperated”. And drunk and lost. You needed to rethink the situation as there was no way you could leave him in that state.

In which state? The state he was in? He knew the way back to the hotel. Or the state you were in? You were drunk and lost and it was dark. There were hardly any street lights. You sat down because you were drunk and lost in the dark and you couldn’t continue on your own.

And he wasn’t about to let you continue on your own. Drunk, lost, attractive woman, dressed for her birthday, alone in a strange town late at night in the dark sitting by the side of the road.

So he walked over to you. Did he tell you to get up? Did you refuse? Did he yell at you to get up? Were you verbally aggressive with him? Were you lying down? Did he nudge you with his foot? How “slight” was the bruise? Was it visible at all?

After the “kick”, you got up and he was sober. You were able to discern that despite being drunk and disoriented yourself. He led you from that dark strange place back to safety and you felt safe. And you were quiet.

That’s the man you say (in your first post) got drunk for the first time, became disorientated and turned into a monster. But led you back to the right hotel when you were finally willing to go with him. And did so soberly and safely.

And you say he was so drunk he couldn’t remember it afterwards. Yet he was shocked at his reaction. One he can’t remember.

Perhaps it would be more accurate to say he is shocked at your description of his reaction? Perhaps he would have no reason to believe it even happened except for your description? And he's still willing to go to counseling or do anything to continue the relationship?

Goldpot, you came here ten days ago with a very attractive profile. You’ve probably received many responses in the last ten days. You may not have met any of them yet, but you likely have several options waiting or will very soon.

Maybe you need to make a decision with your “confused brain” about what to do next. That’s where a little advice from the forum comes in handy. We’ll tell you what to do with your “monstrous, abusive” boyfriend. And then your confused brain won't have to make the decision all by itself.

And I see you’ve decided. Perhaps these four pages of stories from profoundly abused women were helpful. You’re going to be strong and “let him go”. Bravo. And you're not telling any of your friends what happened.

Your story is slanted at best. At worst, full of inconsistencies. And omissions and mis-statements. I don’t know what happened. But I’m pretty sure what didn’t happen. I’m pretty sure he didn’t turn into a monster. I could be wrong. But I doubt it.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 89
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/30/2011 6:07:53 AM

So, I've gotta ask the obvious -

WHY didn't you notify the police? WHY didn't you file a police report? Could it be that you were too drunk, FOS, and incoherent to accomplish this?

HOW can you get kicked in the ribs, but get right up and walk??

WHY didn't you go to a medical facility and get checked for internal injuries, cracked/broken ribs, etc??

WHY IN THE FVCK DID YOU WILLINGLY GO TO A HOTEL WITH A GUY WHO JUST ASSAULTED YOU??????


Well...I guess everyone has there tolerances and personal judgements.

I had been in a relationship...and during an argument where she began to assault me. Even in the "heat of the moment" I made a judgement. And...those were...it's never OK to assault someone unless you are defending yourself or others from harm, it wasn't likely I was going to be significantly harmed and regardless of the "laws" it would not become a police matter.

Let me ask the obvious...

How much injury does your SO need to cause you before you put them in jail?

How much injury does your SO need to make it difficult for you to stand and walk?

How much injury does your SO need to cause for EMS to be enlisted?

How much injury does your SO need to cause before they are no longer your SO?

Finally....Does the first three need to be met before you decide the fourth?


How “slight” was the bruise?


What is your bruise scale?

Walk me in the wrong directions=slight bruise. Appropriate?
Call me an azzhole=medium bruise. Appropriate?
Look at another man=broken rib. Appropriate?
POF profile=punctured rib. Hell yeah?

Of all the silly little "deal breakers" I've heard on these forums...and now a huge leap to the other side of the fence.

Her tolerance level for being hit or kicked is set to zero. IMO...as it should be.
 Earthpuppy
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 90
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/30/2011 7:06:53 AM
By including "first time" in your subject matter, it might seem to imply you expect it again.

My mom married a piece of "work" in her second marriage. He only beat her when he was drunk. To put a 12 year old kid in a position to be holding a loaded 12 guage shotgun at a drunk man, while the kid's mom lays bloodied and crying at his feet....is not something you want to experience in your life. It made me grow up entirely too fast. Had I known the man would go on to rape my younger sister and cousin, I would have put him out of our misery that night. Mom put up with the beatings, the repeated aplologies, and more beatings for a year before she dumped him.

The first time my sister's second husband threw her daughter across the room was the last time he ever laid foot in that household again.
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 91
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/30/2011 11:07:54 AM
Muted Enthusiasm makes the violence heroic--"got her to her hotel"..I guess next beating her kid is "teaching him a lesson".
It doesn't mean a thing--what you think of her having a drink in her, being on pof, having certain pics--she doesn't choose to be threatened or kicked.
If you and MsCheevious want to hang out further with someone who kicked you in the ribs, go ahead.
Having a kid means to me, you steer clear of ANY violence.
It's not uncommon at the end of a ltr, it gets ugly and people show their true natures.
The 2 most inflammatory posters accuse attention trolling?
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 93
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/30/2011 11:43:17 AM
oh boohoo. he made one mistake. that's nothing.

oh sorry, i had to get completely shitfaced drunk and then kick you in the ribs right out in public and everything. oops, i was aiming for your face but you moved...... yep, it's HER FAULT. because that could happen to anyone.


I just notice you’ve been on this dating site about ten days now. With some of the sexiest pics I’ve ever seen here.

yes, she is sexy and she is on a dating site. which is precisely why she deserves to be assaulted. the nerve of that woman.

 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 94
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/30/2011 11:51:17 AM
Ah, motown, you're great.
 Jypzee
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 95
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/30/2011 12:15:20 PM
im new to the forums and i figure im just going to be like dear abby on here and give advice to any post that interests me as if its a sincere request for advice! and not worry if there r ulterior motives in the posting of the thread like getting noticed by others on here or whatever ::shrug::
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 96
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/30/2011 12:31:58 PM

After I pressed charges, he was guilty of felony assault (most assaults are only misdemeanors) where he was given 8 years in prison. He tried everything in the book to get me to drop the charges. EVERYTHING! He even violated the protective order 5 times. So that added to his punishment.


For the past five years or so, there has been a huge push from a variety of sources, to do away with the necessity of the victim to press charges. Most states, if not all, have enacted legislation taking the victim out of that.

Now, if there is any sign of violence, by any of those involved, the one acting the violence will be arrested and no one but the state will be the accuser. Meaning..the victim doesn't have to press charges anymore, the state will do that.

This eliminates the situation of intimidation, hounding, like MedCricket has related.

I spent over 30 years in police work. I vividly remember long ago, not being able to do anything to help a domestic violence victim because they feared retaliation in worse form, if they pushed for prosecution. Many were interviewed at the Hospital with broken bones, etc.

Again, that has changed.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 97
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/30/2011 12:41:34 PM
Does anyone besides me ever wonder WHAT IN THE HELL happened to some people to make them foaming-at-the-mouth angry and/or pathogically judgemental?

And I'd like to THANK the poster who spoke of having to hold a gun on his stepfather to protect his mother who was already down and bleeding-THAT puts a very real face on how horrific domestic violence can become.

But, it IS a forum for discussion-and even people who have differing viewpoints about believing whats' posted, or assigning some sort of evaluatory scale to the degree of bad behavior being discussed-are permitted to speak their opinions.

And those who disagree-or those who were attacked-may post argument and/or defense. If it spins out of control, or somebody's nose gets bent, the thread may get closed or even deleted.
I think that would be a great shame because there is good information here,and this is a good topic to discuss. I'm sure there are TONS of people out there being abused by a relationship partner-who wonder if there is some degree of abuse that is "OK", "acceptable" or even(gawd forbid!) "normal". If they see in a forum that grown-ups in a relationship should NEVER be hitting, kicking, shoving or dragging their partner-maybe they'll get help/get out.

As for the 'disorientation' thing- the OP mentioned a hotel. So I'm going to make a semi-educated guess that they might have been on a getaway in a city that they were not highly familiar with. I'm sure of course, that no one here has ever had the experience of taking a wrong turn,misread a map/misunderstood directions when they were stone cold sober, gone in the wrong direction/down the wrong corridor in a hotel, hospital, sports arena,right?
I would think that being in a city not all that familiar could result in some misperception of direction-especially after dark or on a cloudy day. And I imagine that it might be described as "disorientation",even though it doesn't match up with a dictionary definition of the word.

In a strange city-away from home-UNLESS the violent or irrational behavior continued to a degree that required police involvement-what else was the OP supposed to do? I think her behavior was quite understandable. And it does cut the(ex) bf some slack-he's not winding up with a criminal record. However, I do believe that she MUST end this relationship-"abused for the FIRST time" needs to also be "abused for the LAST time".
Cindy O
 Ailliss
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 98
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/30/2011 2:15:49 PM
I was not sitting in the dark at the side of the road.This happened in the lobby of the WRONG hotel and observed by security guards who were concerned about my safety. Msg 102

I also wrote that he sobered up suddenly after kicking me. I felt "safe" again so we went back to the hotel room. Msg 94

I tried to walk him back to the hotel and mistakingly took us to the wrong one. This when he was pulling and dragging me because he thought I was the one who was disoreintated. After an aggressive tug of war, I told him I was leaving him there and going back to the right hotel. I walked for a bit and sat down exasperated. I needed to rethink the situation as there was no way I could leave him in that state.
Thats when I saw him walking towards me and he then kicked me. Msg 77
<

Your recount of this tale would not hold up to police, let alone court, scrutiny.

You were in the street originally, now you are in a hotel where he kicked you in front of security guards. The guards did nothing although you screamed out in pain. That is beyond difficult to believe.

Persons that rush to judgment without the slightest inkling or care as to what really happened are of no help to you or anyone. Why I originally asked what precipitated the altercation.

I agree with Muted Enthusiasm, msg 97. The bf nudged you with his foot, prying you to get up. You, because you were intoxicated and angry with him, saw this nudge for more than it was. You are not discussing this with your friends because you do not want to reveal your drunken participation in the incident.

Be it as it may, I’m glad you decided to leave him. He does not need to be with someone who will embellish and twist the truth in order to make themselves look good. Just for the record, it sounds like you would benefit from alcohol counseling as well. Most 40 year old moms are not getting drunk in public and creating scenes.
 LargoMaNonTroppo
Joined: 6/23/2011
Msg: 100
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/30/2011 2:29:28 PM
Ailliss. Just. Stop.

You have no right to invent new facts. She said she wasnt drunk. She said he kicked her, leaving a bruise. That's not a nudge. She wasnt creating scenes.

You have every right not to believe her, but you do NOT have the right to make up things and state that as truth.

WHat ever happened to make you such a judgemental person?
 schixacat
Joined: 7/24/2011
Msg: 102
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:37:17 AM
Run honey run. please. i have been through this one more than once. kicking you in the ribs is just plain violent. Please if you love you son run for the hills...he doesn't need to see this kind of stuff and most of all you don't need this...i can see maybe a slap in the face but to be kicked takes some doing. He also doesn't handle his alcohol well. Please run
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 103
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/31/2011 6:52:48 AM
I'm trying to think under what circumstance I would allow someone
to lay a hand on me in a manner that I thought threatening or abusive.
I can't think of one.
I'm also trying to think under what circumstance I would defend
someone laying a hand on someone else in a threatening or abusive
manner and I can't think of one.
(I'm talking about relationships here for all those preparing their gunboats
for the yah but what ifs)

I have no respect for someone who feels the need (or the right) to hit, push,
slap or kick someone else. This goes for both genders. I know there are women
out there that think it's okei to take a swing at people.

I can see maybe a slap in the face?
Gads.
 Earthpuppy
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 104
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/31/2011 7:28:48 AM
I can't even see a slap in the face as justifiable, particularly for someone stronger than the victim administering the slap.

Abusers for the most part will not change, or if they are capable of it, it will take years and a lot of dedication, including not drinking if that is their excuse. Staying with an abuser is a sort of empowerment for them that makes the impetus to change all that more difficult. The best thing you can do for them is kick them completly out of your lives so they realize how serious their assault is and that there are consequences. That may help some realize how screwed up they are and make them more inclined to sincerely seek the help they need to truly change their course. The cycle is Abuse, Guilt, Excuses, Normal behavior, Fantasy, Setup, Abuse....ad infinitum till broken.

I cannot emphasize enough how such abuse in a household affects the kiddos. I was one of those kids, and this thread opened up a lot of unpleasant and buried memories. I felt shame for not being able to defend her. I came close to homocide at age 12. I got to move back with my father on the farm two years early because she was afraid I would kill him. I assured him I would do so if I ever saw her bruised again. She hid the consequent bruises from me and he had the decency to no hit her in the face or arms anymore to hide his continuing assaults. It took her a year of repeated beatings to realize the cycle would never change. The anger toward him last to this day as I piss on his grave while visiting nearby relatives in the cemetary. The memories of my bloodied mother, the helplessness, the fear, the anger, the remorse for not killing him, are all things that no kid should ever be exposed to.

The abuser deserves nothing from you. Those you love deserve everything you can do to distance yourself from that situation.
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