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 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 105
Physically abused for the first timePage 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I can see maybe a slap in the face?


You don't get it. A slap on the face, is still abuse. What will be the excuse, "I didn't do it too hard." What happens when the slap goes out of hand and he says "I didn't mean it that hard."

Physical abuse needs to be taken very seriously. One of the reasons why I am talking, is not because I had been abused, or my father or mother abused anyone, but because I have seen what it has done to other people. I have seen what it has done when you ignore it.

My ex, for instance was married to a man that smacked the kids, you could say, he was only a strict disciplinarian. He only hit her (the ex) once, yet it was hard enough to file charges and move to a safe house. Then she had a change of heart and decided just to leave him and come back to the States. He wanted to see the kids one last time. She obliged, and during that meeting he proceeded to stab her in the jugular vein. Because all this happened with the door wide open and the kids were screaming, the neighbors came in and saw what happened. She managed to survive. He went to jail for attentive murder. But she could not talk for almost a year and it was until several surgeries that she was back to normal. Yet inside the Post Traumatic Stress did a number that she had not been able to overcome yet.

The whole point being. There are no justifications for violence. None what so ever. And what is done once, will eventually escalate.

People may not want to agree with the events that the OP has described. The bottom line is that does not matter. It does not justify what the guy did. The moment that you feel threaten by someone, or scare of that person, or uncomfortable that they may be capable of doing something. Walk away.

"Oh, it doesn't matter, he just hit me with a twinky."

Again, walk away.
 3xsacharmsotheysay
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 107
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/31/2011 9:45:39 AM
Good for you Goldpot. I know it's hard to do and you will miss him.... you are making the right choice by empowering yourself and not him!!!! Best of luck to you...
 easley9238
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 108
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/31/2011 10:00:40 AM
I had a boyfriend like that. Then he went to treatment and got sober. Then he out of the blue attacked me stone cold sober. It's not the alcohol, it's something inside them. Run!
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 109
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/31/2011 10:19:26 AM
"Blackout drunk" would be a red flag for me, no matter what. If he is truly "beside himself", he would run straight to counseling and AA, no matter what you decide. If he waits on those things until he knows whether you will give him a chance, then he is not accepting that he has a problem and needs to take responsibility for it.

My ex had to go to court-ordered anger management counseling for something he allegedly did to someone else. The counselor, my ex, and I all thought it wasn't necessary, UNTIL...she and I talked about another incident between he and I, where I thought he was just being overly dramatic. After hearing what happened, she changed her opinion, and told me that he did have underlying anger issues, and that she believed I was in real danger if I didn't get away. You never know what could set him off.

I psychologist I know of says that "self-control is the mother of all virtues". This guy obviously has problems with it. That is not the example you want for your son, and you don't need to be in fear that your next disagreement will send this guy off to the bar or the liquour store, only for him to return to "teach you who's right".

If he gets the counseling he needs, and his counselor tells you that he feels you are not at risk, then maybe, maybe, you take a few steps backward and try again if he is really what you want. But I'm talking a few years here. But only if he takes these steps because it's what HE wants, because he knows there is a monster within.

My advice? End it, before it gets worse. Be safe. Keep your son safe. Don't let memories of the good times in the past mask your fears of the bad times in the future. Good luck!
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 110
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 8/31/2011 10:36:03 AM
Run honey run. please. i have been through this one more than once. kicking you in the ribs is just plain violent. Please if you love you son run for the hills...he doesn't need to see this kind of stuff and most of all you don't need this...i can see maybe a slap in the face but to be kicked takes some doing. He also doesn't handle his alcohol well. Please run


I hope you were quoting this poster and not me, as I was totally incredulous that
anyone would think a slap in the face was okei.
 recreator611
Joined: 1/29/2011
Msg: 111
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:42:17 AM
Hmmmmm....if your lead...give him another chance ...BUT....if your not...get the hell outa there...NO man should hit,beator do any harm to ANY woman!....use your head!....good luck!
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 112
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/1/2011 6:10:38 PM
Pack up and leave IMMEDIATELY, as in, don't walk, run!
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 113
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:39:58 PM
Some people become extremely irritable and impatient when they drink and take this out on others.
He has already crossed the bridge from normal and is on the other side, no amount of sorries will work.
3 things here to think about:
1. Drinking is a problem when it becomes a problem.
2. some people, hide their true emotions, until they are filled with a false bravado that alcohol gives them, personally I do not care what the reason is!!!!!!!!!
3. shuving, pushing, or man handleing are things people do that can not control their anger, KICKING SOMEONE IN THE RIBS IS DIFFERENT, IT IS AN OUTRIGHT ATTACT, THERE IS NO MISTERY HERE, THEY WERE ANGRY ENOUGH TO LASH OUT IN A MEAN, VIOLENT WAY.

If you would like to give him another chance do it only under a no alcohol rule, and if this person does not mean enough to you to stop drinking in front of them, what are you wasteing your time for?

If someone kicked me in the ribs, I would take that as a attack and would arm myself and leave immediately.
I would not be going back, point blank period!
 manda_rae
Joined: 9/14/2011
Msg: 114
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/19/2011 2:13:54 PM
I grew up in a violent home, and my first husband was a violent man, but only when he drank. I was young and stupid, I stayed for three years trying to fix him, and convincing myself it was my fault that all of this was happening. In the end, I left, but not before physical unfixable damage was done to me. My advice to you, get out now, before it goes to far, he is using the same excuses most all abusers do. He will use excuses up until the day he believes he has you under his complete control, then it becomes violence all of the time. So take your son and go, let your heart heal, and start again. I know it is not easy being a single mother and trying to find forever with someone who is not the father of your child, but do not settle for someone who is going to get drunk, beat you, and then claim memory loss. If he really could not remember, he would already be in counseling, and a program to stop drinking, even if his drinking was merely sociable to begin with.
 Rett56
Joined: 8/24/2011
Msg: 115
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/19/2011 2:35:51 PM
If he hit you once, he will hit you again...and again...and again. Followed by apologies, excuses and anything else he can come up with to manipulate you. Get out now! It doesn't get better.
 RandomScause
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 116
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/19/2011 2:55:15 PM
If you love the guy, then please don't leave him. It is my advice. It's hard to find true love these days. Ask ANY forummer.

Instead, you could take up tae-kwon-do, or jiu-jitsu or something and beat him to a pulp next time he gets violent.

You will have the fore by having better coordination, judgment, and a shorter stimulus-reaction lapse, than he, when he is drunk. He is going to have the advantage of sheer physical strength, and numbness that makes him more resilient to painful blows.

If you think he gets the better of you consistently in any three consecutive rounds, then call a cousin or your mother or someone over to help you out. That's what family is for.
 Cowboy_Dale
Joined: 9/9/2011
Msg: 118
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/20/2011 1:45:35 PM
There are two types of men in the world.

Those capable of maintaining control and those who are not capable of maintaining control.

He just showed you which type of man he is.

Since the definition of being 'not in control' is self-evident it is only a matter of time before he physically assaults you again.

The only question is: Will you get out in time?

The first time a man hits you should be the last time he has the opportunity.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 121
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/20/2011 5:12:03 PM

Instead, you could take up tae-kwon-do, or jiu-jitsu or something and beat him to a pulp next time he gets violent.


Dude, so your advice is to beat the crap out of him. And if things are not going well, involve also the family? Are you for real?
 luvmtgolf
Joined: 9/2/2011
Msg: 122
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/20/2011 5:18:01 PM
There is never any reason for abuse....never! Get out now, no matter what.
 kinley68
Joined: 8/4/2011
Msg: 123
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/20/2011 5:31:44 PM
I've never been in this situation, but would hope that if I was I would have the courage to remove him from my life. You need to get him out of your life (and the life of your son) even if it is temporary while he initiates obtaining help for substance abuse. Out of your life means no contact at all. IF YOU DON'T, YOU ARE SAYING TO HIM "THIS IS OKAY WITH ME". We teach people how to treat us. Our actions ARE our messages to people. By over-looking this you are teaching him that it is okay to drink heavily and abuse you. You have a child to think about. You do not have the luxury of giving him the benefit of the doubt that it will not happen again.
 Ali.Rose21
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 124
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/20/2011 10:15:05 PM
how can u justify him kicking you in the ribs and saying he is a healthy drinker?? how is that healthy? alcohol is a toxin in your body thats y it messes with ur balance and driving how could it possibly be healthy? you're in shock its happened to lots and lots of women and if you move in with him youll have less options to get away from him BAD BAD BAD idea! he will do it again hes just making promises now until u trust him again. knowing youll take him back it wont stop him from doing it again cuz he will know exactly what to say to get you back.
 smilenalways
Joined: 9/14/2011
Msg: 125
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 1:26:36 AM
i think that once it starts it never ends and lifes to short and to many good people out there to be with . just my thoughts i could be wrong
 kat1950
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 126
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 2:33:12 AM
take it from me ..GET OUT NOW WHILE THE GOINGS GOOD ..i been in that situation myself ..they never change ..they just get worse ..and its all your fault so they say ...and thats all bullshit he couldnt remember it ...HE CAN REMEMBER ...HES GOT A VIOLENT STREAK IN HIM IF HE LOVED YOU ..HE WOULD NEVER HURT YOU ..LOVE DOES NOT HURT ..IF YOU LET HIM MOVE IN ITS GONNA GET WORSE ...AND ITS GONNA AFFECT YOUR SON AND YOU ....YOU AND YOUR SON DESERVE BETTER ...GET RID OF THE LOSER ...HES A COWARD ..NO OTHER WORD FOR HIM ...AND DONT BELIEVE ALL HES BULLSHIT ...HE WONT GET HELP ...GET RID OF THE DOG
 Earthpuppy
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 129
view profile
History
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 9:07:46 AM
Congratulations. You did the right thing for you and your son. Life is too short and precious to put up with such people. Since my first post on the subject, I had the opportunity, unrelated, to go back to letters from my mom, and found to my dismay that she put up with the beatings for 6 years, instead of the two that I remembered. The next man she found was the most loving, caring, gentle being she could have ever hoped for. They were still deeply in love at her death, 34 years later.
 Plus-SizeAndProud
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 130
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 10:59:44 AM
Get out now; this is a sign of things to come.

It is your job as a mother to protect your child; he doesn't have a voice.

You have a higher calling.

Any person who abuses another is a coward and a bully.
 Plus-SizeAndProud
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 131
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 11:02:16 AM
I know that your question is old but I'm typing mine as if it's not, just in case you're still with this man.
 Kariann71
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 132
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 12:34:39 PM
He's a great guy??? Are you kidding me? He gets drunk and kicks you, yeah he's a real gem. The only good excuse for hitting your partner is in self defense or defense of a loved one if your partner has gone off the deep end. We're you about to stab him with something? Were you holding his child's (assuming he has kids) head under the water? No??? Then kick his sorry-ass to the curb. If he does it once then chances are very good that he'll do it again. Unless you enjoy being someones punching bag you need to show some self respect and leave. There is no "I don't know what to do" or "he's usually a wonderful person" in this situation. He attacked you. Say goodbye and if he comes near you again get a restraining order. Domestic violence causes so much pain and misery, so don't invite it into your life. Turn around and walk away.
 Kariann71
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 133
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 12:36:19 PM
Read your post about already leaving him after the fact. Good for you, wise choice.
 Bandit370
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 134
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 12:42:43 PM
No man ever hits a woman only once. File a police report, initiate a restraining order and forget this loser. Have you done this yet? Why not?
 DSMTraveler
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 135
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 1:08:42 PM
How very interesting.

Your subject, I mean.


Physically abused for the FIRST time...



Do not let this man near you again.

If you do; please make a will specifying who will raise your child.

Good for you for leaving. The post touched a nerve obviously.
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