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 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 136
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The OP Has Left the Man in Question!!!!Page 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Congratulations, OP, good for you!

Maybe now we can all stop telling her that she has to leave him and that the abuse is going to continue and all that good stuff.

Because apparently she got that and has left him.

More power to the OP!!!! It's refreshing to see that some people are capable of making healthy choices for themselves and their children.
 SylvanSwan
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 137
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 1:23:44 PM
Good for you for leaving goldpot, but you are already dating?

Folks I left him and havnt returned. I have moved on. I am dating and happy.


You posted your original thread on 8/28/2011. Wow it didn't take you long to get over your ex. Again, good for you but I hope this time you picked a man of quality.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 139
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 1:57:17 PM
Is he an alcoholic? Was he abused as a child or does he have a history of abuse?

If so, he's a sick person and needs help. You'd have to be a large part of the recovery process.

Or you could leave him; no one would blame or fault you. If you do leave he has to be 100% cut off.

Either way you have to be ready for something...
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 140
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 2:09:55 PM
Get out. There is no good that can come of this.

Has he stopped drinking, started seeing a counselor, etc? If he hasn't ALREADY taken those steps, on his own, without waiting for your answer, don't even consider having further contact with him.

As for you: If you feel this event was traumatic--and I don't see how it couldn't be--then please see a counselor yourself, as well. The numbness may be an early symptom of trauma, and early treatment can help prevent the trauma from causing problems down the line. Please take care of yourself.

ETA: Just saw your edit. That's some serious strength--good for you!
 Tim0066
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 141
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 2:11:47 PM

I dont know what to do


Yes you do.

You just don't want to because of the good times you've had with him.

LEAVE NOW.

Period.


""Message too short"" Seriously? The post is a legitimate to the point reply.
---------
Really sick of the broken "post size" filtering system... seriously pof? that is too short of a post? Fix your posting size feature its broken. Don't tell me its because I don't post long enough replies... I'll bet $100 my posts on average are twice this size.
 UglyFroggieCritter
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 142
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 2:11:50 PM
OP says in message 137 that she has left this man.
 joemac356
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 143
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 2:14:49 PM
Abuse of any type should never be tolerated.
There is no acceptable excuse, none.
Relationships should be built and maintained on and with trust.

Even one episode of abuse shows a propensity to abuse. It can happen again.
No one should be given a second chance to abuse another. It's that simple.

Get out while you still have all of your front teeth.

*OP says in message 137 that she has left this man.*

Allrightythen, this post is for anyone else who wants it.
 Philhelm
Joined: 6/25/2007
Msg: 144
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 3:30:55 PM
I'm surprised there have been so many responses without this being labelled as a pity thread.
 Earthpuppy
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 145
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 3:50:18 PM
I'm surprised that there are so many responses blaming the victim, dissing the plight of battered women, and trying to be cute about it.
 Dorkvader27
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 146
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 4:01:02 PM
It only gets worse. The type of people who physically abusive slowly test the waters. It will progressively get worse with time.

It's great that he's willing to get help but he needs to do that before he even thinks about going into another relationship.

He is an alcoholic only alcoholics get drunk to the point of "blacking out" in which they do not remember what they've done. Nothing worse then an angry drunk too.

This guy is not someone you want to have in the same home as your kid. I suggest you find someone else.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 149
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/21/2011 5:24:09 PM
wow. major counseling needed here. he needs help. i've done stupid things when drunk, like losing my keys, or leaving my handbag in a restaurant, but this was when i was very young and didn't know any better. getting THAT drunk is pretty irresponsible. this guy needs some help if he is having black outs.
 stogee
Joined: 1/25/2009
Msg: 150
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/25/2011 7:34:33 PM
this is as easy as it gets, run while you still can, DON'T look back
 AxMurderer
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 151
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/25/2011 9:25:12 PM
Without a son involved, both leaving and staying under the condition that he is no longer a drinker are both options.

With a son involved, you have one viable option. Leave.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 155
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 6:17:18 AM
@goldpot: Right now is too soon for him to try to win you back. Your trust is what he would have to earn and that would take much longer, if possible. He is taking the right steps with the therapy, but not necessarily for the right reasons. He has to do it for himself, even if the possibility is never being with you again.

Unfortunately, his showing up at work to ask for second chance was to put you on the spot. It may have been a desperate move on his part, because he knows he lost a very beautiful lady. Give yourself more time to make sure any feelings of anger have passed. If you still feel the same, then you will eliminate any "what if" feelings. Take care.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 156
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 7:10:31 AM
Run Run Run. Anyone that abusive like that is someone that you want to avoid at all costs. Restraining order.
 TheWonderingGuy
Joined: 4/30/2011
Msg: 157
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 10:03:09 AM
"My ex turned up unexpected at work with flowers and presents. He hasnt had a drop of alcohol since the incident and has been seeing a therapist on a regular basis. He is still asking for a second chance"

Sounds like the normal BS spiel.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 158
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 10:26:59 AM
Msg 161
Then, by that same token, if a man does something to piss off or irritate his wife or significant other(female)-then it is OK for that woman to hit the man? Particularly if she has the strength/skill/(or uses an "equalizer")-to cause him significant injury/pain?
ADULTS should not be hitting each other. There are of course questions of pure defense-of self,property or another person,which perhaps it might be NECESSARY. But I'm speaking of the average relationship, friendship, group of social friends-I cannot imagine any justification of one adult hitting another.

The reality of him getting pleasured by another woman that isnt her hurts more than any of the kicks he landed.


Nope. Take it from someone who was( a long long time ago) in a very abusive relationship-nothing hurts more than a beating/kicking.

There is no such thing as a "reason" to hit or kick one's significant other or spouse. If one's SO starts hitting or kicking, the best response is either escape or calling the law...hitting back or use of weapons is only acceptable as a last resort for self-defense.

And I bet there are tons of formerly abused female SOs here who are REJOICING that their abusive former SO is now getting pleasured( when she isn't being beaten) by some other woman.
OP, while I applaud your former bfs efforts, I do think that physical abuse creates damage to a relationship that can never be fixed-there will always be a tension on your part that he might "fly off the handle" at you again. So trying to reinstate the relationship would not be your wisest course of action. IMO, him showing up at your workplace with "peace offerings"(for lack of a better term lol) is simply another way that he is trying to use circumstances as a means to manipulate you. Personally, I would find such actions to be very 'off-putting'-like he is trying to enlist the aid of a 3rd party entity( co-workers), and embarrassment,to get things to go his way.
Cindy O
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 159
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 10:59:36 AM

The OP must of done something to piss him off or irritate him. Men do not hit women for no reason. Instead of blaming everything on him and the alcohol maybe she should figure out why he hit her in the first place and why is he consuming alcohol. When a man turns to a bottle instead of his s/o usually a lack of sex, constant nagging or brainless actions from a woman is the culprit. He drinks because he is bored and hurt by what the OP is not giving him in the relationship. She should thank god he's a fighter instead of a cheater. The reality of him getting pleasured by another woman that isnt her hurts more than any of the kicks he landed.


The only thing I see right about this post is the spelling.
The rest is just wrong on so many levels.
Hard to believe some people not only think like this, but actually
type/say it for others to see.

Thank god he is a fighter instead of a cheater? Really?
I'm sure there are quite a few abused and or dead women that would
disagree with this assessment.

 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 160
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 1:44:32 PM
Showing up at work with flowers?

That's another violation of boundaries and major manipulation. He's probably going to keep doing stuff like that, OP, until you give in or until it escalates in some other fashion.

I think you're best course of action would be to tell him ONCE not to contact you anymore, otherwise you will seek a restraining order.

Without this, I might have looked at the abuse as an isolated incident (not that I would have advised you to stay in this relationship, regardless) but now you definitely have a pattern.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 161
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 7:29:52 PM
You both need counseling in my mind. For me, if someone is abusive they need help and if they dont or wont get it, then you leave. Many feel one incident is way too many.

You need counseling because you were hurt emotionally, also because you need to find out why you choose to be with someone like this and why you stay.

It's easy to say I'm a victim, but if you stay and it keeps happening then you are part of the problem.

Leave the person, get some help and learn to choose someone that will not be this way. It doesn't happen overnight and there are many signs you can see. I'm sorry this happened to you and hope you talk to professionals and not just strangers on a forum. good luck.
 3xsacharmsotheysay
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 162
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 7:44:43 PM
He's manipulating and controlling and you need to get a restraining order. He doesn't deserve a second chance. Show him you mean business and don't look back. Good for him for sobering up and counseling but it takes a long time and a lot of work. Statistics are he will slip back to old patterns..

Lets hope he doesn't treat another woman the same as you. Move on to something better!!
 evskypr
Joined: 6/19/2011
Msg: 163
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/14/2011 9:29:55 AM
Physical abuse not acceptable I believe if he did it once and you let him get over without some kind of counseling and him giving up drinking,He'll do it again.You have to put your feelings for him aside and think of you and your child.
Abusive relationships are hard to get out of and you or your child can end up really
hurt.PLEASE seek proffesional help before you live together PLEASE
 xHD1200x
Joined: 11/11/2010
Msg: 164
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/14/2011 10:18:53 AM
Time for him to hit the road, it will get worse by the sounds of it, time to move on to new adventures!
 ZXTTTT
Joined: 5/10/2010
Msg: 165
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/14/2011 10:29:55 AM
I think you said it in MSG162

The alturnative is to prepare to ask about advise for being abused for the second time.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 166
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/14/2011 10:47:21 AM
I'm surprised that there are so many responses blaming the victim, dissing the plight of battered women, and trying to be cute about it.

I'm surprised that the vast majority of people forget that women can be abusers, too. It's not a "plight of battered women" it's a plight of the abused. I often wonder when people will quit polarizing abuse as something that ONLY happens to women.

The OP must of done something to piss him off or irritate him. Men do not hit women for no reason. Instead of blaming everything on him and the alcohol maybe she should figure out why he hit her in the first place and why is he consuming alcohol. When a man turns to a bottle instead of his s/o usually a lack of sex, constant nagging or brainless actions from a woman is the culprit. He drinks because he is bored and hurt by what the OP is not giving him in the relationship. She should thank god he's a fighter instead of a cheater. The reality of him getting pleasured by another woman that isnt her hurts more than any of the kicks he landed.

You either need to broaden your scope of knowledge or you need to catch a clue or you need to jump into reality or something. I can assure you ~ a punch to the face hurts much more than his winky landing in someone's else's coochie. (I find it implausible that someone would actually post such ignorance for the world to see. What a sad testament to your ilk.)

~OP~ Good for you for getting out and doing so quickly. Statistically, you've beat the "the abused generally leave 7 times before they stay gone" factor.
Don't EVER consider allowing him in your life. I can assure you, the honeymoon phase will be wonderful and short-lived. What comes after that? Just plain ugly. Good luck to ya!
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