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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Physically abused for the first time      Home login  
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 stogee
Joined: 1/25/2009
Msg: 151
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Physically abused for the first timePage 7 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
this is as easy as it gets, run while you still can, DON'T look back
 AxMurderer
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 152
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/25/2011 9:25:12 PM
Without a son involved, both leaving and staying under the condition that he is no longer a drinker are both options.

With a son involved, you have one viable option. Leave.
 goldpot
Joined: 8/20/2011
Msg: 153
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 3:50:55 AM
@pypelayah

It doesnt matter what I have said or done to him. That is no excuse and NO reason for a man to hit a woman. If you think that women deserve this treatment because the "poor" man isnt getting what he wants then YOU need to go and seek councilling. PRONTO!

Hell we all have shit days but it doesnt mean we can beatup whoever we like.

It may be normal behaviour in your world but it sure aint in mine
 goldpot
Joined: 8/20/2011
Msg: 154
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 3:55:18 AM
...."She should thank God he's a fighter instead of a cheater" ...



You sound like my dream man. Not
 goldpot
Joined: 8/20/2011
Msg: 155
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 4:04:47 AM
Just to update:

My ex turned up unexpected at work with flowers and presents. He hasnt had a drop of alcohol since the incident and has been seeing a therapist on a regular basis. He is still asking for a second chance

But I dont trust him anymore. No turning back for me.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 156
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 6:17:18 AM
@goldpot: Right now is too soon for him to try to win you back. Your trust is what he would have to earn and that would take much longer, if possible. He is taking the right steps with the therapy, but not necessarily for the right reasons. He has to do it for himself, even if the possibility is never being with you again.

Unfortunately, his showing up at work to ask for second chance was to put you on the spot. It may have been a desperate move on his part, because he knows he lost a very beautiful lady. Give yourself more time to make sure any feelings of anger have passed. If you still feel the same, then you will eliminate any "what if" feelings. Take care.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 157
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 7:10:31 AM
Run Run Run. Anyone that abusive like that is someone that you want to avoid at all costs. Restraining order.
 TheWonderingGuy
Joined: 4/30/2011
Msg: 158
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 10:03:09 AM
"My ex turned up unexpected at work with flowers and presents. He hasnt had a drop of alcohol since the incident and has been seeing a therapist on a regular basis. He is still asking for a second chance"

Sounds like the normal BS spiel.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 159
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 10:26:59 AM
Msg 161
Then, by that same token, if a man does something to piss off or irritate his wife or significant other(female)-then it is OK for that woman to hit the man? Particularly if she has the strength/skill/(or uses an "equalizer")-to cause him significant injury/pain?
ADULTS should not be hitting each other. There are of course questions of pure defense-of self,property or another person,which perhaps it might be NECESSARY. But I'm speaking of the average relationship, friendship, group of social friends-I cannot imagine any justification of one adult hitting another.

The reality of him getting pleasured by another woman that isnt her hurts more than any of the kicks he landed.


Nope. Take it from someone who was( a long long time ago) in a very abusive relationship-nothing hurts more than a beating/kicking.

There is no such thing as a "reason" to hit or kick one's significant other or spouse. If one's SO starts hitting or kicking, the best response is either escape or calling the law...hitting back or use of weapons is only acceptable as a last resort for self-defense.

And I bet there are tons of formerly abused female SOs here who are REJOICING that their abusive former SO is now getting pleasured( when she isn't being beaten) by some other woman.
OP, while I applaud your former bfs efforts, I do think that physical abuse creates damage to a relationship that can never be fixed-there will always be a tension on your part that he might "fly off the handle" at you again. So trying to reinstate the relationship would not be your wisest course of action. IMO, him showing up at your workplace with "peace offerings"(for lack of a better term lol) is simply another way that he is trying to use circumstances as a means to manipulate you. Personally, I would find such actions to be very 'off-putting'-like he is trying to enlist the aid of a 3rd party entity( co-workers), and embarrassment,to get things to go his way.
Cindy O
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 160
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 10:59:36 AM

The OP must of done something to piss him off or irritate him. Men do not hit women for no reason. Instead of blaming everything on him and the alcohol maybe she should figure out why he hit her in the first place and why is he consuming alcohol. When a man turns to a bottle instead of his s/o usually a lack of sex, constant nagging or brainless actions from a woman is the culprit. He drinks because he is bored and hurt by what the OP is not giving him in the relationship. She should thank god he's a fighter instead of a cheater. The reality of him getting pleasured by another woman that isnt her hurts more than any of the kicks he landed.


The only thing I see right about this post is the spelling.
The rest is just wrong on so many levels.
Hard to believe some people not only think like this, but actually
type/say it for others to see.

Thank god he is a fighter instead of a cheater? Really?
I'm sure there are quite a few abused and or dead women that would
disagree with this assessment.

 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 161
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 1:44:32 PM
Showing up at work with flowers?

That's another violation of boundaries and major manipulation. He's probably going to keep doing stuff like that, OP, until you give in or until it escalates in some other fashion.

I think you're best course of action would be to tell him ONCE not to contact you anymore, otherwise you will seek a restraining order.

Without this, I might have looked at the abuse as an isolated incident (not that I would have advised you to stay in this relationship, regardless) but now you definitely have a pattern.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 162
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 7:29:52 PM
You both need counseling in my mind. For me, if someone is abusive they need help and if they dont or wont get it, then you leave. Many feel one incident is way too many.

You need counseling because you were hurt emotionally, also because you need to find out why you choose to be with someone like this and why you stay.

It's easy to say I'm a victim, but if you stay and it keeps happening then you are part of the problem.

Leave the person, get some help and learn to choose someone that will not be this way. It doesn't happen overnight and there are many signs you can see. I'm sorry this happened to you and hope you talk to professionals and not just strangers on a forum. good luck.
 3xsacharmsotheysay
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 163
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 9/26/2011 7:44:43 PM
He's manipulating and controlling and you need to get a restraining order. He doesn't deserve a second chance. Show him you mean business and don't look back. Good for him for sobering up and counseling but it takes a long time and a lot of work. Statistics are he will slip back to old patterns..

Lets hope he doesn't treat another woman the same as you. Move on to something better!!
 evskypr
Joined: 6/19/2011
Msg: 164
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/14/2011 9:29:55 AM
Physical abuse not acceptable I believe if he did it once and you let him get over without some kind of counseling and him giving up drinking,He'll do it again.You have to put your feelings for him aside and think of you and your child.
Abusive relationships are hard to get out of and you or your child can end up really
hurt.PLEASE seek proffesional help before you live together PLEASE
 xHD1200x
Joined: 11/11/2010
Msg: 165
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/14/2011 10:18:53 AM
Time for him to hit the road, it will get worse by the sounds of it, time to move on to new adventures!
 ZXTTTT
Joined: 5/10/2010
Msg: 166
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/14/2011 10:29:55 AM
I think you said it in MSG162

The alturnative is to prepare to ask about advise for being abused for the second time.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 167
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/14/2011 10:47:21 AM
I'm surprised that there are so many responses blaming the victim, dissing the plight of battered women, and trying to be cute about it.

I'm surprised that the vast majority of people forget that women can be abusers, too. It's not a "plight of battered women" it's a plight of the abused. I often wonder when people will quit polarizing abuse as something that ONLY happens to women.

The OP must of done something to piss him off or irritate him. Men do not hit women for no reason. Instead of blaming everything on him and the alcohol maybe she should figure out why he hit her in the first place and why is he consuming alcohol. When a man turns to a bottle instead of his s/o usually a lack of sex, constant nagging or brainless actions from a woman is the culprit. He drinks because he is bored and hurt by what the OP is not giving him in the relationship. She should thank god he's a fighter instead of a cheater. The reality of him getting pleasured by another woman that isnt her hurts more than any of the kicks he landed.

You either need to broaden your scope of knowledge or you need to catch a clue or you need to jump into reality or something. I can assure you ~ a punch to the face hurts much more than his winky landing in someone's else's coochie. (I find it implausible that someone would actually post such ignorance for the world to see. What a sad testament to your ilk.)

~OP~ Good for you for getting out and doing so quickly. Statistically, you've beat the "the abused generally leave 7 times before they stay gone" factor.
Don't EVER consider allowing him in your life. I can assure you, the honeymoon phase will be wonderful and short-lived. What comes after that? Just plain ugly. Good luck to ya!
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 168
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/14/2011 12:01:35 PM
If you wanted to play the odds, leaving would be the best bet, I'm sure.

However, you have been together for three years, and are (I'm assuming) in love. That's worth something.

I'm thinking of a passage by a psychologist/therapist I read not long ago. She said the counseling is absolutely required, and that you should make it clear that if there's a repeat offense that will mark the end. And follow through with that ultimatum if it does occur again.
 trinity818
Joined: 9/1/2006
Msg: 169
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/14/2011 4:06:42 PM

Folks I left him and havnt returned. I have moved on. I am dating and happy.


That's great news. Smart girl. Glad to hear you have plenty of self respect.

Sadly, more often than not, we see threads about how great the abuser is (aside from the violent behavior) and hear all the "reasons" the victim can't end the relationship, or prosecute the offender.

I hope your first time will be your last time.
 RotationAxle
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 170
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/14/2011 4:24:11 PM
As I like to say...in this situation, the first time should be the last time. You and your son don't deserve this.
 brownie360
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 171
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/23/2011 1:54:00 PM
Lemme get this straight; this dude KICKED YOU IN YOUR RIBS and you're asking what should you do? Like my father always told his daughters this: "if he do it to you once...he'll do it to you again" No way would I allow a man to get a SECOND opportunity to batter me. Ask yourself this, will you ask this question again after he say...CRACK YOUR HEAD IN THE NEXT TIME?!?!? OMG there is no way I would stick around for that. A LOVING, LOYAL MAN does NOT get drunk and then KICK THE WOMAN HE LOVES IN HER ****ING RIBS! A man like that is NOT violent! GET OUT while you still can...and with your ribs intact!
 brownie360
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 172
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/23/2011 2:25:22 PM
Otherwise she will be carried out by six instead of walking or running out on two...
 brownie360
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 173
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/23/2011 2:48:18 PM
Wow! I have ZERO tolerance for violence and cheating, that is why I am no longer married. My husband was a ****ing spaz! no respect and abusive. When I found out about his cheating I was DONE! I had to call the police when he went to attack me when I found out; I was in the kitchen and grabbed CAST IRON SKILLET and went to swinging at him when he took off onto the patio, I called the police! HE WAS TRYING TO BITE ME while he was attacking me in the kitchen and that's when I grabbed the skillet! I will not deal with a man that has a short temper and use violence to resolve issues. Unprovoked attacks makes it WORSE!

I know women that are DEAD because they STAYED with a violent man...no; not me. Thank goodness your sister got rid of him! Damn...threw her child across the room...my god...glad you mom rid herself of her loser too...
 Nancy54534
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 174
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Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/23/2011 2:49:21 PM
Hope you keep up the resolve to get this pile of trash out of your life. Do consider a restraining/protection order if he fails to stay out of your life at your request. Talk to the local women's shelter on how to further deal if he insists on reappearing. As for the bird who blames the victim for actions, what the hell does a person do to deserve a kick or any physical abuse other than possibly being subjected to it also?
Your thoughts and ideas are way out of logical approach. Actually you are advocating a retaliation for possibly imagined actions or statements. That is what separates adults from the strained thru a bedsheet moron. I have scars, bullet holes in a house and chopped down doors from imagined actions by a drunken maniac who is probably in an eternal barbeque. Some of us take a bit longer than others to smarten up after being knocked down so much. Kids bear the brunt of the whole situation, they take it in and never forget. How the adult deals with it will show that child the path that they will grow up in. Counseling is needed though, once you start take the kids, they need to be reinforced and helped to
work thru this type of horrific life. If you feel hitting someone is so correct OP
wonder if you cried so copiously when Quadaffi, Saddam Hussein, Tojo and Goering were dealt justice.
 SingleLady0000
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 175
Physically abused for the first time
Posted: 10/23/2011 2:55:31 PM
I just saw your thread now. Leave him! i was in the same situation but i let it get worse and worse!not good for you or your son
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