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 viper1j
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 76
Should i be insulted? Would you be?Page 4 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

I'm just getting out of my rough patch that lasted a few years...after losing everything...I didn't really date during this time.


Try fighting cancer, working, and trying to keep a relationship going at the same time.

The experience, was... educational.
 Kitten189
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 77
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:05:55 AM
Op.........Question.....

Why did you set up your profile in July this year if you've been dating this lady since March???
Hmm...........

I dont think you should be dating at all if you have child support to pay,etc etc etc (like most people)to the extent that you're $100 short for rent.
Why didn't you approach your Landlord in this instance and secondly,im surprised you didn't have a mate/family to help you out temporarily ?

Yeah............dont help your lady out with anything in the future if that's going to make you feel better
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 78
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:08:05 AM

I guess i guy who has hit a rough patch is a worthless piece of crap despite the faCt he has saved his girlfriend money by doing her brakes for her puting a wall.unit from lkea together for starters. A
you women who are bashing me for being broke are right i should manage my money better, ill start charging for all the little things i do for a woman.


OP....you're insulted that we don't agree with you...and wait till 21 posts to add that you consider helping out (with labor) is quid pro quo for asking a woman you're dating for a loan. OP...sometimes it's pretty clear to some of us...that stupid things like asking for money, from a person we'd been dating for a realitively short time, should be obvious...it's just something that isn't done...and any justification is really fluff that we won't understand.

Yanno, I'm handier than most...things like hanging shelves and doing bakes are no big deal for me...I've plowed the snow for my neighbor's for 16 years and never expected a thing-yet, they've reimbursed me 10 fold over the years...and I actually like helping......the thing is...I've never even thought of charging anyone for helping out...I guess that's the difference between some people.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 79
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:10:18 AM
Asking to borrow money is a deal breaker for many people, not just couples. Knowing someone for 6 months hardly puts you in a position to ask to borrow money. Could you not turn to family or long term friends?
A lot of us are single parents and have run short of cash, had unexpected bills, not gotten child support on time or at all etc. So we all get it.
But if you are $100 between a roof and no roof, then you absolutely should re-evaluate how you are doing things. It does not sound to me like you can afford to be going out or paying for dates. You have to get some savings.
 Hudsonview10960
Joined: 8/10/2011
Msg: 80
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:16:27 AM
Life is unfair, life is cruel. It is a fact of life that financial instability is the number one source of stress in life. When I was married, I hit a bad spot: I lost a consulting gig and they weren't going to pay me for the last 2 months which was going to my health insurance. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, all on the same day. I had two small kids at home and a house and mortgage to support. My wife was a stay at home mom.

After spending the day thinking my life was over, I got up the next day and started hustling my ass off. I found a new job within a few days and I took care of my family. I had a single minded focus to get out of that situation.

You may not like it but there is no reason why any woman should put herself in the situation of staying with someone who can't make ends meet. It is your problem, not hers. When you are in your 40's you are beyond the stage where love conquers all. By this time in life, you hopefully are a little more mature than to believe that. Not having money will drag both people down. It may be heartless, it may be unfair, but it is a reality of life. The Buddha said: life is stress. No one should knowingly get into a situation in middle age to add new stress to their lives. When you get married, you make a vow for better or worse. You don't make any such vow for dating. You are currently in your peak earning years. in less than 10 years. you will be over 50 when the chances of losing a job is more likely, and finding a new job that much more difficult. If you don't focus on your job, career, and saving money now, you are going to be in much deeper trouble than not having a date, especially with the cut backs in medicare and social security. People in the 40's just will not have the safety net that our parents had. Trust me, as you get older, and you have to start taking medication for high blood preasure, and other medical expenses, you won't believe how costly it is going to be and it is only going to get much much worse. I see the return of the poor farms in this county.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 81
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:19:42 AM
Op says:
[ive paid my share of dates]

Gentleplus says:

The entire question is the value exchange process between the sexes..... It is simply that her mindset is that she already "paid" you for these tasks by sleeping with you...... until you find a girl that sees value added in a fair and balanced way where sexuality is a mutual shared experience and not an item of barter..... this will surface over and over no matter who you are with.....


He said at the beginning that he paid HIS SHARE of dates; so your concept that she is sleeping with him to pay him for taking her out is wrong.

There were so many better ways to handle this than to hit up someone you are just starting to date for money...it makes people feel used.

To justify that you did her brakes or put her Ikea furniture together means that you feel she OWED you and you didn't do those things in the right spirit. This whole mindset is probably why you have the financial issues you have; you have no respect for money or people.

You could have gone to a Cash Advance place and borrowed the money and paid them back and she would never know; she would have just been impressed by how wonderfully you handled everything...then if you mentioned you were a bit short of cash to go out...then the monkey is on her back to invite you over for a home cook meal or for her to pick up the tab for the two of you to go out. If you threw in that you were not able to go cause you needed to pay off the cash advance place and then she said....OH NO, please in the future if you need cash ask me...the whole situation would never have happened...

Again you said the "first time", which means borrowing money from people is something you do...you see nothing wrong with it and you do things for them in order to get them to help you out...in the future try being honest and say..hey ill fix your brakes on your car but then Im going to want you to be my ATM in the future ..or Ill put your furniture together but you will have to act like my personal loan officer.
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 82
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:34:23 AM
Nobody likes to be put on the spot being asked to borrow money - ESPECIALLY if they've had bad past experiences lending money.

I was seeing someone a while back who asked to borrow money and my first thought was " uh oh, is this going to be a one time thing or a habit ? "

I like to help people I care about but I'm not The Royal Bank of Me !

Had I been in your position I would've gone to family first, friends second, my financial institution third.

Should you be insulted ?

I don't think so, she was being honest about how she felt about it.

It's up to you to decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker.
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 83
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:56:10 AM
Most of you are putting the fault at the doorstep of the OP. Yes, indeed he is PARTLY at fault for not managing his money better. BUT, if the woman had reservations about giving him the money, then why did she give it to him??? She could have said NO.

Most would drop you like a bad habit at the FIRST SIGN of financial difficulty because they are afraid of having to pay for everything.

To the OP: I'd say yes, you do need to learn to manage your money better. I will also agree with the point that you probably should not have asked your girlfriend for money when you could have talked with your landlord and worked something out being as you just needed an additional week to come up with the rest of your rent.

This economy is awful right now, so ramen noodles for supper it is!
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 84
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 11:15:58 AM
The actual amount doesn't matter except to highlight how close you are to that edge in her mind.

What's creating the 'pause' in her is perhaps because you may not have let her in on the fact that you're cruising close to that edge.

Perhaps you've got all the trappings that suggest things are okay....a cell plan; you're out on dates, you're footing bills etc., then.... all of a sudden... one day -- you can't make your rent - not for a big amount, but for $100.00.

The whole thing with you comes to a full and complete stop. She's wondering about what she knows about you and if you have good judgment.

I wouldn't be insulted...this is either the start of new ground with you guys or the end of it; in either case you brought that out and dropped it in her lap. However she processes this and the success of your relationship will largely depend on what choices and priorities you make that show that you're moving away from this 'rough spot'.

You shone a light on it.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 85
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 11:58:04 AM

She's losing respect for you because of your lack of taking responsibility, not because of the $100.


So very true.


At your age you have an issue with paying your rent.
My goodness.
I then think you need to prioritize your spending.

Taking women out on dates is not a priority.
Better to wait until you can care for yourself and your children.

You are insulted because she seemed weirded out.
I would not have given you the $100, and ended the relationship immediately.

That you would have used leverage that you fixed my breaks and put together something from Ikea ...
wow.
That's just right off in left field.
I thought you would have done that because you cared for me.
I don't work well in a tit for tat relationship.

I also don't work well in a relationship where a man doesn't understand his priorities.

I read in one of the posts about you discussing with your landlord being short $100 for a few days.
This would have been the smart thing to do.
It would have saved you a lot of embarrassment.

Is the reason that you didn't work it out with your landlord because you are not that intelligent, or you've been late on your rent before.
And it's become an issue.

As for paying child support.
OMG!
Another man who wants to do the boinking, but has an issue with the raising.
Is that why you divorced?

Something is smelling very fishy ...
and it's not the pond.
 jt guy
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 86
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 12:28:53 PM
OP, if I were her I would kick you the the curb in a heartbeat. If you are not smart enough to figure out why I said that...she needs to kick you to the curb. Grow up guy.
 RandomScause
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 87
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 12:31:47 PM
"""if you are in such a serious relationship, why do you have the ad up still?

Yeah, good question... especially since this is a profile set up in July and he's been with this lady for 6 months.

Should she be offended? """

Methinks the esquire doth need another loan.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 88
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 2:39:49 PM

A lot of people have been brainwashed to believe that if you're poor you're a loser as if how much money you make has anything to do with who you are as a person.

What does being able to pay your rent have to do with being poor?

I know lots of poor people that make ends meet.

There's the difference.

Learning to live within your means.
 inthroughtheoutdoor
Joined: 1/1/2011
Msg: 89
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 3:00:25 PM

A lot of people have been brainwashed to believe that if you're poor you're a loser as if how much money you make has anything to do with who you are as a person.


Has nothing to do with brainwashing (?!?) or thinking that being poor means you're a loser - I am not rich by far and I have at various times in my life been poor - however, I have never once not paid my rent (and basic phone service) and I have always had good nutritious food in my pantry.

I'm sorry but once you are a certain age and certainly once you decide to have children, paying your rent in full and on time each month is not an option. What is it with some people that they can't seem to be able to distinguish between an extravagant lifestyle and the bare minimum required to survive?

Having and keeping a roof over your head and obviously the head of your children is what I consider the very basic of being a responsible adult - sorry but love doesn't keep you sheltered and fed. How does this even need to be said on a site populated by adults?
 professorjjd
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 90
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 3:11:35 PM
Just curious.. What does age have to do with having money to pay bills? There are people of EVERY age who have trouble sooner or later! Hell, you have seniors who end up homeless all the time! Being older does NOT mean you should have less trouble with finances or earning, actually, I think its the opposite!
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 91
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 3:13:31 PM
Sounds like a set up to me. Inundate the woman with lots of texts, emails, etc. baring your soul, thinking of her, blah , blah, blah. She didn't really respond all that well to your method of wooing her, but you just kept on.

For whatever reason, she looked beyond the barrage of communications and found your good qualities and valued them.

And then you hit her up for money for rent?

She, in turn, after corralling you into doing car repair and IKEA screwdriver work, may have been at a loss, not knowing you were w(h)ining and dining her on a credit card. So she ponied up the $$ so she wouldn't look like a total dupe, which is what conmen count on.

Shame on you, not for screwing up your own personal finances, but for dragging her into them and putting her in a very awkward situation, where any answer she gives is the wrong one. One does not do that to some one that they care about.
 RandomScause
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 92
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 3:24:39 PM
I have seen incredibly filthy rich and disgustingly rich people who did not pay their bills. Some of them coz they were short on cash, some others of them because they felt they did not need to -- this second kind had two subdivisions, too: one felt he did not need to coz there was no way they could collect on his debt, and the other, coz his bodyguards would shoot even government workers who approached their compound with compounded interest. Very few made it out through the indoor.

You ask how a rich guy with lots of income can't pay his bills.

1. If you make $100 a month, you can pay two $50 bills.

2. If you make $1,000,000 a month, you can still only pay two bills if they are each for $500,000, and the third bill for $39.54 you can't pay, no way.

Some people are incredibly in over their heads in debt, no matter how poor, how rich, how old or how nice they are.

Some unscrupulous banks will give you loans to pay off debts. "Become debt free by borrowing money from us!!"

I have actually seen ads worded word-for-word like that. I saw those ba....rds advertise on TTC ads, and on poster ads at the Thorncliffe Plaza mall on Overlea Boulevard.
 RubyWaxxx
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 93
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 3:28:04 PM

All i know if it was the other way around i would have been glad to help if i could and wouldnt have thought any less of her.

Easy to say, except you can't help financially. You don't even have your rent money.
If I honestly believed my partner couldn't come up with $100 and that it was a temporary situation, I wouldn't hesitate to help.
But if I saw him not doing anything to try and rectify the situation, I would run. I need my money to support myself and my daughter. I can't afford to support another adult.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 94
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 4:11:38 PM
I'm also curious why you have an active profile on here while dating your girlfriend for six months.
You stated she knows you pay child support and have many bills, its a struggle for you financially.
I'm sure that's in the back of her mind, wondering how things will be longterm with your situation.
Your borrowing money for rent probably scared her. She was already worried about your financial situation and now you've asked for money. She gave it to you, shows that she cares. I think it's normal for her to wonder/worry about this. I also think it's great that she was honest about her feelings.
I would try to make some changes so you never have to do this again. It obviously makes her uncomfortable.
Be thankful she was there for you when you needed it and was honest about her feelings.
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 4:29:48 PM

if you are in such a serious relationship, why do you have the ad up still?


Excellent question. Together 6 months? If my boyfriend still had a profile up after 6 months, he would have more serious problems than a $100 loan.

P.S. Are there any single people on this site?
 twelfth_dimension
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 96
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 7:16:47 PM
I might be insulted, because I would feel this was a severe criticism of me and my sincerity in paying it back. But ... I can see the other side too. Back in the day, a former boyfriend was over 3 months late on his electric bill and they shut it off, until he "borrowed" the $400 from me to get it turned back on. In fact, I called the electric company for him to sort it out because he was an emotional basket-case. Needless to say, he never paid me back, probably never will. Last boyfriend? Lost his job 1 month into our relationship and from then on, I footed the bill for everything -- dinners, movies, drinks -- he would even throw extra stuff in the shopping cart for himself whenever I went to the store -- just expecting that I would pay for it. I understand he hit hard times but -- it got old supporting some guy who wasn't even my husband. So now, I tend to be a bit more cautious when it comes to lending money, paying for stuff, etc. because I've found that some men are quick to take advantage.
 voschi
Joined: 8/24/2011
Msg: 97
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 8:06:02 PM
i'm insulted you posted this diatribe on the board and....
 Hudsonview10960
Joined: 8/10/2011
Msg: 98
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 8:17:32 PM
"Just curious.. What does age have to do with having money to pay bills?"

because by a certain age you are sort of asked to figure out life and how to get through it: LIKE YOUR PARENTS DID!

man, us baby boomers are a selfish, immature, self centered, lot.
 Tim0066
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 99
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 8:34:16 PM
Next time be late on the rent...

Women lending men money are unlikely to keep dating them even if they remain good friends and would lend again. Don't borrow from anyone you're dating. Borrow from a friend or from your boss or call your landlord and tell them you're going to be late... dont' use "child support" as a reason that you're behind in bills... ever.

Just my opinion, for what its worth...
 ComputerGal11
Joined: 8/28/2011
Msg: 100
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 8:42:10 PM
She was already uncomfortable with your financial stress before you asked to borrow money from her. That was just the last straw. I'd say you two are finished. Regardless of whether or not you choose to be insulted, she's already pulled away. Move on.
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