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 mccrackin15
Joined: 12/30/2009
Msg: 101
Should i be insulted? Would you be?Page 5 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
You should not be insulted. She was being honest and I would feel the same way. Hard times are upon us all but when you ask for a loan from someone you've only been dating 6 months, she may be wondering if you are with her as a means of financial support. Whether you can support yourself or not, asking for this loan certainly would make me question a future.

Personally, I can't believe you aren't asking if maybe you shouldn't have borrowed the money! Instead, you're on the fence of being insulted by her backing off. I'm sure you're a great guy and all but geez!
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 102
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/6/2011 10:52:13 PM
@cedar77: Absolutely on point about court system. Yes there is a double standard. There is equality except in romance and finance in a relationship. Must be a fan of Marc Rudov (The no nonsense man). I am for sure.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 103
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 3:14:42 AM
Divorce is financially hurtful to both women and men. The custodial parent is further hindered by childcare issues when looking for a job.
When I was younger I wanted to slap every man who complained about paying child support. I also supported my children, just didn't give it a name. Didn't blame all my financial woes on them.
You have children, you should be supporting them. Women and men. You're in constant financial trouble, you need to up your income. Or lower your expenses. Maybe he could get rid of the internet?
 RandomScause
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 104
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 11:16:03 AM
++++Divorce is financially hurtful to both women and men. The custodial parent is further hindered by childcare issues when looking for a job or a boyfriend.++++

In which Pooh and Piglet build a trap to catch a Heffalump.

In that chapter they build the trap, then they argue if Heffalumps like corn more (Piglet's point, he eats corn) ot honey. (Pooh's point is honey, as it is Pooh's favourite staple.)

They are arguing, and piglet realizes, that if it's corn, then he has to give up some of his stock. So he says, "you're right, Pooh, Heffalumps like honey." Pooh realizes what happened, but too late. He opens his mouth, but Piglet (Pooh's best friend) sternly and strongly says "HONEY. Honey it is."

Sounds like the child custody battles in some divorces. ("Sweet Jesus, what did I do? Now I'm stuck with the spawn.")

Previous poster, I know this is not you, coz kids are a source of infinite joy. Just saying that some other custody battles may go this way.

- - - - - -

Maybe he could get rid of the internet? Or he could trade one of the kids for high speed access.
 maryjay51
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 105
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 11:38:36 AM
i have a hard time loaning money to anyone let along a guy im new to dating with. perhaps you should look into a second income option if its that hard on your financial situation right now. it sucked when i got a divorce. i was left out to dry by my ex but i worked my tail off on two jobs and going to school so i would never be in that situation again.
 Phenomenally43
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 106
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 1:41:40 PM
No...you shouldn't be insulted...you should put in overtime, go to a pawn shop or have a yard sale... NEVER ASK A WOMAN YOU ARE DATING FOR $$$ unless you want to end the relationship.

Dating is when you show you BEST attributes & abilities,, not the best time to expose financial distress.

As we get a bit older and wiser, women come to realise that, while a man may not be expected to pay 100% for dates, that we measure his ability to become a life partner by how he handles his finances. Not being in a position to pay your rent is a HUGE RED FLAG. This signals that this particular man may not manage his recurring responsibilities (rent is due every 30 days), may be living beyond his means or YIKES...may need for her to reach into her pocketbook to help support HIS lifestyle, which includes supporting children that AREN'T HERS.

You would be well warned to NEVER let a woman know that you have fallen short, until such time as you are in a true partnership (marriage)...then I am sure she would feel more at ease contributing.
 viper1j
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 107
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 2:26:59 PM

As we get a bit older and wiser, women come to realise that, while a man may not be expected to pay 100% for dates, that we measure his ability to become a life partner by how he handles his finances. Not being in a position to pay your rent is a HUGE RED FLAG.


And so is dying, so remember to just laugh off that heart attack or stroke, otherwise she may run for the hills.
 Phenomenally43
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 108
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 2:45:47 PM
I think the standard should be the same for both sexes...especially in a dating relationship. Why should a man be expected to pay his dates rent and childcare costs and what does that say about a woman who'd expect it, even an 8 day loan?

Maybe taking on a part time job won't leave a lot of time for dates, but it will do wonders for your dignity...employment and financial responsibility go a long way when trying to establish a LTR... when you are in a place to pursue one.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 109
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 2:52:10 PM

Why should a man be expected to pay his dates rent and childcare costs and what does that say about a woman who'd expect it,


How silly...I think everyone expects people to pay for their own rent and child support (if they have a dependant child)...and we're only hearing one side of the story....we've no clue that the woman doesn't pay for all the dates or her fair share.

Really...people think it's ok to borrow money from a date???? IMO it's tacky at best.
 twelfth_dimension
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 110
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 3:26:41 PM

Mammy! Mammy! Shugga Mammy! Frederick wanna chocolate gun!! Waaah! Waaaaaaaah! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Fer crying out loud... which part of "Waaaaaah!" can't you understand?)


These men were older than me, the last one by 10 years, so I could hardly be called a "shugga mammy" in this case. Unless the definition as I know it has changed.
 RandomScause
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 111
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 3:46:02 PM
Your situation, Dimension, was very clearly and apparently a misplaced transference, something specific and recurring enough that the literature has a name for it. Namely, "chronologically inverted Oedipus-complex". This is a deathly disease, it ends fatally, the psychiatrist keels over in his chair, so it's not one of them hot cool therapies that all analysts are trying to get in on with their patients. In fact, the diagnosis and its curative therapy has been hushed up by-and-very-large by the profession.
 Bret_1967
Joined: 4/28/2011
Msg: 112
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 4:04:47 PM
tough lesson learned - if it's that big of a deal just make sure you don't ask to borrow the hair dryer ~
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 113
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 7:11:16 PM
"when I noticed he was buying smokes and liquor, asked him for another and then I was made to feel like the bad guy... "

That's what the OP has done

He is insulted because she gave him money and was thinking about
staying with someone so irresponsible or not

She is the bad guy for loaning him money,,,,,,,,,, without a smile


(Stand by your man song in the background)
 Laha Math
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 114
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 7:23:40 PM
OP: By asking you put her in a awkward situation. If you said your were grounded for a while because you owed rent and she OFFERED to lend you the money that would be different. I think she lent you the money reluctantly because you put her on the spot and now she's having second thoughts about your relationship. Her behaviour seems quite natural to me. She has been insulted, not you. If you need to borrow money go to a bank, not to the girl you're dating.
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 115
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 8:04:44 PM
She lent it, so no insult. If she said no when she had it, not a good sign. She was right to tell you it bothered her. You can't expect her money, you aren't married or long term enough solid. Some people are like married people in their closeness. You should discuss money issues later, if you are still involved and committing to something permanent. Then be open about finances and how it should go on both sides. If you can't agree, ltr is doomed.
 livluv1
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 116
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 9:35:58 PM
Well you said that she realized all of your other good qualities!! Sorry but no matter how old we women get we still want the man to be the bread winner. But we also realized times are tough!! It sounds to me she realized she was being stupid and petty. But she wanted to be honest with you. Now you don't have to wonder what "you did wrong" lol. Be happy, this really shows your relationship is growing stonger unless of course she reads what you wrote on the forum instead of talking it over with her.
Good luck
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 117
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 10:22:10 PM
Msg.1:

Why asked the forum if you "should be insulted" You do feel insulted?????????????? it is your own decision to feel insulted or not... other people doesn't think for you...

How does it grab you if you are dating a woman for 6 months and had to borrow a $100.00 from you because she was irresponsible
for her rent ? It is it your fault that she is late for her rent ?

It is not an excuse for me that a man is working 46 hours paying many bills and child support and spending money for dates , it is okay for me if he would say that our date is DUTCH TREAT, but to borrow money from me , he is WEAK and insensitive, I am not loan institution and I need my hard earned money for my bills too.

You are lucky with your GF , I guessed she was weighing the bara bing bara bang and the $100.00 that she need a space from you ...

Meh I don't borrow money from any one specially a date or boyfriend/fiancee I have pride and self respect. It is okay for me to
skip meals, if it is hard for me to manage my money to pay my bills.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 118
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 10:52:55 PM

If a woman asked a man fir help on rent, getting auto repaired, or handwork for her home, I presume that all would think it's ok.


Wrong!!!!!
men will think that she is a gold digger.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 119
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/7/2011 11:44:54 PM
Men may think she is a gold digger or user, but some women (and I said some!) will say you go girl! It's his job as the man! I applaud the women that don't say our think this!
 cedar77
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 120
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/8/2011 12:03:59 AM
If a woman asked a man fir help on rent, getting auto repaired, or handwork for her home, I presume that all would think it's ok.


Wrong!!!!!
men will think that she is a gold digger.


So it is ok that she asks for help , but it is wrong because of what men will think ?

I know that in the past my dates/gf often at least hint around me helping them out in the sort of way listed , and some have come right out and asked . And if it were 6 months they might well be wanting me to be their general contractor ! lol

I think it is a double standard , but that is nothing new .
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 121
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Posted: 9/8/2011 2:12:04 AM
Oooh this is a real minefield

We always hear about the stereotypical "gold digger" and at the other end of the spectrum is somebody who really doesnt care about money as long as "as a couple" you get by

But between the two is an endless procession of stages not just the two extremes

Women, despite us living under the delusion of being "enlightened" are still brainwashed with stereotypes as are men. But theyre far harder to shake off than most realise which is why theyre still so prevalent

Women are taught quite subtly and subconciously that a "measure" of a man is still as a provider. Even women who consiously see that as ludicrous nowadays can still struggle with it on a subconcious level and even without realising it as subconcious influences tend to manifest as a subtle increase or decrease in feelings with no clear reason why

And its far harder than most people realise to override subconcious drivers with cognitive conscious thoughts. IE, if you stop having feelings for someone because of a subconcious driver, its almost impossible to just logically weigh up their pros and cons on paper and reignite feelings for them however well they fair in the pros and cons list if that makes sense?

Also, if somebody, male or female has had a partner who they felt (whether acurate or not) was a burden to them they will be overly sensitive and critical of even the slightest sign that a new beau might be the same. So it might be worth looking for things like this in her past

Its also worth trying to get her to expand on both her "feelings" (subconcious aspect) and opinions (conscious aspect) of this to get a better understanding of where this came from and what her actual (if any) concerns are about it

But if it is subconciously driven and your finances arent likely to change any time soon then as much as I hate to say it the future doesnt look promising as the common tendency is that once a thought is started it will tend to fester, and even things that havent bothered her before on this issue will grow in "significance" over time and are quite likely to kill this stone dead eventually

Best of luck though
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 122
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/8/2011 2:23:09 AM
To the people who reckon its "never" ok to borrow money, Jeez lol :)

People on a low income like described tend to rarely have spare money to save, so the slightest "hiccup" like a car repair, washing machine blowing up or other unexpected thing can cause a short term problem and the key word there is "UNEXPECTED"

To be honest I would be quite wary of any person who couldnt quite get their head around something being UNEXPECTED as it doesnt really bode well for any type of actual relationship or the problems that can often unexpectedly crop up within them

Someone who was "irresponsible" with their finances would have a LOT more money problems than a 1 week shortfall on there rent ONCE in six months, it would be a regular and ongoing thing accompanied by dozens of other bills not being paid and mountains of debt

But to see 1 thing as proof of "irresponsible" behaviour is a really "interesting" sign, red flag or whatever you want to call it and shows no real understanding of what life is like for people who really do live on the bread line

Had this happened a week or a month in then yeah I can see why such a ridiculously over the top type of assumption might have cropped up, Especially if finances had been an "issue" for a person in previous relationships. But once in six months?

Not being nasty here, but personally I would suggest the people who had such an acrimonious response to this thread should take a deep breath, take a step back and look into WHY they had such a reaction to what is in real terms quite a minor occurence as you might have some unresolved issues still lingering from previous failed dalliances lurking in the darkness
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 123
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/8/2011 2:29:50 AM
Excellent points MikeWM. The subconscious plays such a big role in almost everything we do. It can contribute to bad relationship patterns, bad habits, etc... Usually, this can be traced back to parents/upbringing. Another excellent point on living on that financial edge. All it takes is one disaster. Most posters here probably felt he was playing victim. Tread carefully in the minefield!
 meowsaidthetigress
Joined: 7/9/2011
Msg: 124
Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/8/2011 3:06:40 AM
Yes you guys are right it is a minefield. When I have asked to borrow money (three times my entire life) from my brother due to true life emergencies I first exhausted ALL my resources by selling everything I could including plasma. Knowing this he did help and decided to gift me that assistance because hes a great brother. Why? Cause Im normally too hard headed to ask and will eat rice and beans until I turn into a bag. $100 is not what I constitute as an uncontrolled emergency due to the financial stress of a low income. Its reckless stupidity but thats my opinion because I live a minimalistic lifestyle and conserve to have a savings even on my current low income.

This to me is a sign of irresponsibility with finances I find inexcusable for a man in his forties.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 125
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Should i be insulted? Would you be?
Posted: 9/8/2011 3:22:06 AM
Obviously you dont date then? Or do you like "chivalrous" men who always pay?

And also bearing in mind a man living like you do would struggle to EVER get a date as he would be viewed as simply being "tight" by most women
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