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 Wrenchturner
Joined: 7/30/2011
Msg: 51
Afraid to commit or just a player ?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
You are on step five of the relationship ladder and she is on step two. You can either wait for her to join you on step five, which she may never do, or you can break things off and try to find a woman that is willing to join you on step five. It does not sound like she is playing you since she has stated openly that she is not ready for a committment and is not denying or trying to hide her presence on POF. I guess the big question here, and one only you can answer is, is this woman worth the wait and can you handle it if she decides never to pursue a long term relationship exclusively with you?
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 52
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/14/2011 4:33:12 AM
Keep her as a F-buddy...and just keep banging her. I would give up on LTR though as others have stated. Go back on POf and into the fish pond..for a LTR..u 2 just arent on the same wavelength when it comes to relationships. Stop talking so much about (ur feelings) too..u come off as being a wimp. Man up and maybe she will begin to respect you. You have become wayy too easy for her..give her a taste of her own medicine and see what happens.Good luck.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 53
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/14/2011 5:31:36 AM

u 2 just arent on the same wavelength when it comes to relationships.


I think that sums it up simply, although I might modify it to be you two just aren't on the same wavelength when it comes to *your* "relationship". You want commitment, she doesn't... either you accept that, or you move on - but don't "whine" about it.
 weathervanes
Joined: 3/31/2010
Msg: 54
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Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/14/2011 6:19:02 AM
Take a step back and think this out in detail.....then go with what your head is telling you not your heart........
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 55
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Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/14/2011 10:08:52 PM
Sounds like the OP sexed this woman and expected commitment without having had "The Talk". Bad idea IMO. Frankly, I wouldn't expect "The Talk" commitment without having "The Talk" beforehand, no matter how good the sex is or what I anticipate the sex to be like beforehand.

Frankly, a physically and otherwise compelling-attractive person with an active PoF profile has no reason to delete their profile or otherwise declare on their profile that they are not available to other potential suitors after several dates and uncommitted physical intimacy. I've been in internet-dating scenarios where I've wanted to get "physically intimate" without discussing the issue, and I've NEVER explore the physical intimacy without having a 99%+ idea about her level of commitment.

You can't judge someone who is on PoF 2-3 times a day without you being on 2-3 times a day yourself. Therefore, someone who lives in a glass house should NOT be throwing stones at someone, ESPECIALLY if they cannot communicate effectively outside of PoF what they expect out of their partner's commitment inside of PoF.
 cavemanrob
Joined: 4/15/2010
Msg: 56
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/15/2011 3:23:25 PM

...met this woman here on POF ... we hit it off right from the start ... we went on several dates after the initial "Meet and greet" ... we have this amazing chemistry together, and have been texting and talking on the phone every day and have been seeing each other practically every other day since the day we met.

We crossed the line into intimacy, and as expected, we have this amazing intimate chemistry together. After a short time, I decided it was time to Delete my profile and focus on building a relationship and told her what I was feeling in regards to deleting my profile with hopes that she would feel the same.

She said that she isnt ready to fully commit to a relationship but still wants to want to see me ... while at the same time, she is active on POF every day (sometimes 2-3 times per day)

I told her that it makes me uncomfortable knowing that she is still active on POF while trying to build a long term meaningful relationship with her and her reply is that she just isnt ready to fully commit to a relationship ... and continues to stay active on POF

She contends that she isnt seeing or meeting anyone else, but is just reading messages and sending few replies back ? keeping her "options" open ?

All the while, she shows interest in me and displays genuine affection, we talk and text several times per day, and still see each other practically every other day.

What Gives ????


What Gives?

You have this all backwards.

You shouldn't have been pursuing her for a relationship, that's not what guys typically do.

Your job is simple to be an attractive guy and let her worry about where the relationship goes. You are too easy, you put all your cards on the table and showed her your hand, you ceased being a challenge, a goal to achieve and you became like every other guy that wants to be with her but she doesn't want to be with.

Continue dating her if you want but open up your profile and continue dating other women. Until she pursues you for an exclusive committed relationship, you should just consider that the two of you are dating and having fun and in the end what's wrong with just that? Why are you in such a rush to pin this girl down? Just because she's the first gilr you've clicked with in a long time doesn't mean she's the only one, they call this site plenty of fish for a reason, there are plenty of fish, go out there and have some fun and enjoy yourself and new experiences and stop talking relationship talk to a girl that never initiated those talks with you, it makes you sound like a girl to her and she wants a man, plain and simple.

I hope this helps.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 57
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/15/2011 3:33:26 PM
Wrenchturner:
You are on step five of the relationship ladder and she is on step two.
Are you referencing 'Mars and Venus on a Date'?
 3xsacharmsotheysay
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 58
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/15/2011 3:39:55 PM
Never really defined how long but I think if it been 4-5 months u would have said.. I say if it's as great as u say give it time !!
 RandomScause
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 59
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/15/2011 3:47:25 PM
A very interesting first opening post, man.

She is in the driver's seat. You are enamoured, coz she IS special.

She is attractive and vibrant and warm to you, to others, to whoever meets her. She knows that. You don't know that, you just know how she affected you.

So she knows she can get any man, almost any man, and not just for sex.

She is yours, now, and she does not deny that this is not going to be permanent. You want permanence with her, coz she is a gem, but you are not alone in wanting permanence with her; 3 billion other males want it too, or would, if they dated her.

She is a class or several classes above most normal people. If you get your head over heels into her, and she breaks your heart, you will have nowhere to run.

"you got the best of me
It's so hard to see
You had me on the lovers' cross a while
When you got a taste of paradise, it's as cold as ice,
I'm gonna miss you...
I miss you, Miss you,
couldn't make you change your point of view
...

You're leaving.
I'm sitting here alone, wasting my time
I just don't know what I should do...

It's a tragedy for me to see the dream is over
And I'm never gonna ...
etc. etc. etc."

--- Mangled lyrics, from memory at the spur of the moment, of "I miss you" by Milli Vanilli, the dethroned Yammi winners, who had this song conquer the world before it turned out they were not singing the words.
 Rascal300
Joined: 9/1/2011
Msg: 60
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/20/2011 7:48:38 AM
Good answer Abelian. I should have done that. You shouldn't invest anymore into her than a FWB. Some people want to think its greener on the other side. Remember weeds are green too! I had exclusivity, but it only means something among honorable people. Your lady did show herself as at least somewhat honorable, in that she wasn't ready.
I would take the advice of some of the other posters, repost your POF profile as similar as the one before, and start backing out of the relationship. She is probably looking for something better herself. Please do not invest yourself any further, it will only make it harder, later. My guess is that by doing this she may just have a change of heart.
If you ever show any weakness, you will not look like the guy she was attracted to. She will look for a "man". BE the guy she met, Be yourself. But most of all, Be ready to walk away. You already sense a crack in this relationship.
Peace
 Jer13601
Joined: 1/30/2011
Msg: 61
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/20/2011 10:16:41 AM
OP, she stated she wants no commitment. But, it appears to me that she may use you as the "relief pitcher" so to speak: a booty call boy. It's your call as to what you want and what you want to do. I'm not seeing ltr at this time. I do see her as someone who likes you, but it'll her way with no strings attached. Sorry that her feelings aren't the same as yours.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 62
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/20/2011 11:35:51 AM
met this woman here on POF ... we hit it off right from the start ... we went on several dates after the initial "Meet and greet" ... we have this amazing chemistry together, and have been texting and talking on the phone every day and have been seeing each other practically every other day since the day we met.


We crossed the line into intimacy, and as expected, we have this amazing intimate chemistry together. After a short time, I decided it was time to Delete my profile and focus on building a relationship and told her what I was feeling in regards to deleting my profile with hopes that she would feel the same.

She said that she isnt ready to fully commit to a relationship but still wants to want to see me ... while at the same time, she is active on POF every day (sometimes 2-3 times per day)

I told her that it makes me uncomfortable knowing that she is still active on POF while trying to build a long term meaningful relationship with her and her reply is that she just isnt ready to fully commit to a relationship ... and continues to stay active on POF

She contends that she isnt seeing or meeting anyone else, but is just reading messages and sending few replies back ? keeping her "options" open ?

All the while, she shows interest in me and displays genuine affection, we talk and text several times per day, and still see each other practically every other day.

What Gives ????


Words are what someone WANTS you to think who they are. Actions show who they are.

You are doing the classic thing women usually do. It's not confusing. She's dating and sleeping with other people and to be honest not counting the possible STD's there are many other problems including messing with your mind and heart.

She knows you are into her and is using her. Be man enough to tell her that you respect her decision and then move on. Dont' talk to her, dont email her and dont get fooled again. For you this is magical; for her it's just another guy. take care and spend your time and money on someone who deserves it.
 sashazee
Joined: 9/16/2011
Msg: 63
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/20/2011 4:00:08 PM
OP: I was in what was considered to be an exclusive relationship (by both parties) and discovered he continued to fish. I was hurt and felt rejected and it ended badly. After I got over it I was relieved and grateful I did not invest further. His loss. I would venture to say that some people in relationships may have some need for attention and find it in their POF in-boxes. Others will have "the grass may be greener" attitude. Regardless of the reasons, I see a red flag.
 Erinheleece
Joined: 9/16/2011
Msg: 64
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/20/2011 6:17:12 PM
You want a relationship, she doesn't, you two are incompatible move on. Focus your attention on a woman who has the same objectives as you. Dang...this sounds like the reverse of what uaually happens. Usually its the woman who gets all attatched after sex and start making the relationship more than what it is. Guess everybody is different.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 65
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Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/20/2011 6:25:07 PM
She's honest...

She isn't either...

Be open to the same...

Sorry she's not ready and you are...

On two different pages is hard when you want and can't have...

Good Luck, She may see what she may miss and change her mind! Don't give up!!!
 shyone267
Joined: 10/13/2009
Msg: 66
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/20/2011 9:59:43 PM
I think she may have feelings for you , but for whatever reason she may want somethin more....:( It isn't really fair to you, but if she is honest about not committing, then, she isn't trying to deceive you... Give her some time, but perhaps you shoud keep your options open as well.
 Natgoat
Joined: 3/24/2011
Msg: 67
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/27/2011 7:50:27 PM
My family always said I should be committed...but noone had a straightjacket that could hold me..!!
As far as relationships are concerned, I'm committed
as soon as I feel that *SPARK* in that first really good Kiss
Too much a gentleman to be a 'Play-a'...!!
 blackchic
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 68
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/28/2011 8:44:37 AM
this aint gone last!!!! It pisses me off to no end when guys do this, it goes against nature. she will do what u want her to do, in due time.....by applying this pressure, you are pushing her away.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 69
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Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/28/2011 1:49:20 PM
A very important part of communication and the bit you seem to need to get the hang of is listening

She has said she doesnt want anything serious

And the "chemistry" you might be feeling obviously isnt anywhere near as "peachy" for her as it is for you hence her still keeping an eye out for someone better to come along

So really youre a stopover, an FB with social benefits and a back up plan if nobody she REALLY likes happens along before she starts panicking about her "bait" getting too saggy to snag someone decent

So either you accept that and wait till she gives up the search for someone she really wants to be with. Or you write it off as a done deal and try to find someone who does actually want to be with you

Either way she has at least been honest and you have the chance to make an informed decision

So the ball is squarely in your court really
 asimpleguy32
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 70
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/28/2011 5:42:57 PM
No offence to woman but so far they play hard to get. I understand when your in your 20's but 30's come on.
 granolamartha
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 71
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 9/28/2011 10:38:18 PM
I haven't read all the posts so I'm sorry if this is redundant.

OP, it doesn't matter if she's afraid to commit or if she's a player because the results are the same. You gotta take her on face value.
 AnnieNIdaho
Joined: 10/3/2011
Msg: 72
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 10/13/2011 3:30:53 PM
It seems that you two are two different speeds. I feel that you could be setting yourself up for heart ache. What you expect from her and what she wants are completely different things. I think I would take what she says as truth. She is not ready to commit. The older we get, the less likely we are going to just settle down with whoever comes along. If she is forced to "settle" with you, then the both of you are going to be miserable.
 sillyfilly
Joined: 5/4/2007
Msg: 73
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Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 10/13/2011 7:07:31 PM
OP, Daynadaze has hit it on the head. I would not commit to a newly divorced man. My last marriage was a disaster because I gave in to him and committed too fast. I've learned it takes time to know someone well enough to commit. I think you are being a bit possesive and trying to monopolize her life already. Perhaps she sees that in you and would prefer to keep a little distance. If you enjoy the relationship you have, relax and just enjoy it. Life is too short to be stuck in a relationship because you didn't look long enough before you lept.
 sexandthepof
Joined: 10/10/2011
Msg: 74
Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 10/13/2011 11:14:29 PM
It sad for you that she says she just isn't ready to fully commit to a relationship. But I wonder even if someone is fully commit to a relationship, is it wrong to stay active on POF? I see the forums on here are very interesting though. People can read and share their opinions with others, so all of us can learn something on here. What's wrong with that? IMO, when you love someone, you need to trust that person. You decided to delete you profile, that was your choice. But if you try to push her to do the same thing as you do, that just shows your insecurity.
 Toastybrown
Joined: 3/18/2011
Msg: 75
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Afraid to commit or just a player ?
Posted: 10/14/2011 3:33:49 AM
Maybe she is afraid to commit to a serious relationship so early.Because she is afraid of being hurt or afraid of hurting someone else,or maybe shes playing hard to get.Dont rush her to much keep trying and shes not the only fish in the sea neither!
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