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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Am I in denial or just a bad person?      Home login  
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 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 28
Am I in denial or just a bad person?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Am I really that bad for looking in his phone or what?

No. I'd have done it. However, I wouldn't be ambivalent about ending it. I'd end it immediately without looking back.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 29
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 7:14:04 AM
While I will never be able to condone the game playing and texting the other ladies on his phone, the fact is he was cheating and was caught.
The more dignified approach would have been to discuss and admit that the calls, texts and frequency on this web site bothered you. Allowing him to either choose to end the behavior or walk away from your relationship knowing you were not going to put up with disrespect.
Consider it a lesson learned. You look for garbage you usually find garbage. He had been lying to you all along.
 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 33
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 10:21:03 AM

Women seem to assume that cheating has to do with replacing or finding something better. It really doesnt. It has more to do with pursuing and obtaining. Let's face it, to some, it is a game.


If you had read the many threads about that topic then you would realize that most times cheating and cheaters are the result of that whole "the grass is greener" issue.

It is or at least has been stated many times in these forums as people not wanting to be alone and even if they are with someone that there is something missing from their lives that they look elsewhere for.

People that do not like to be alone will often times fit into that scenario. They will attempt to find a replacement before giving up the one that they have.

There was something i read somewhere that asked people on their second marriages and most of the people on their second marriage said that they KNEW their new spouse before they divorced.

Over the years this topic has been discussed on these forums as well and many people have stated that they often times keep looking even after they find someone.

The trouble in my opinion is that when you have been single for a very long time and/or you have had bad relationships in your past that you will look for perfection in the future.

It is that whole "want it all" mentality.

Just look through these threads here for any length of time and you can see it over and over repeating.

The constant advice that you can not change a person. The constant advice that the person better be exactly what you want or it will never work. The constant advice that if things are not working out right from the beginning then the viable solution is to dump everything and start over.

IMHO That is wrong. That is NOT what a relationship is in any way, shape, or form.

Just look at the word relationship. What does it imply?

The simple word relationship does not imply that there is 2 separate entities traveling through life in the same direction but on different paths.

The word relationship implies an interaction happening between the 2 entities that CAUSES the direction.

Look at a double helix. Is it 2 separate but equally spaced lines traveling in the same direction? No it is not. It is a twisting winding path of interaction that is NOT a strait line.

Life is fluid. Life is ever changing. Life depends on chemical interactions. What is a single chemical alone in the beaker of life is nothing but a chemical stored on the shelf of life.

When 2 different chemicals are pored into the same container however it causes a reaction. It is no longer 2 separate chemicals. A relationship forms at the molecular level that causes something new to result.

Each different chemical has a list of properties. Each different chemical has a different optimum.

Example.... Water and oil do not mix well together. The oil will float on top of the water.

There is no relationship happening. Each remains in its own form. Water is H2O

It is a relationship. Hydrogen and oxygen were dating and now travel through life in the form of water. The hydrogen is the one directing the path traveled.

Life is not equal in that beaker but it works very well as a relationship.

The same couple but totally equal is H2O2. That relationship ALSO works. but instead of traveling through life as water they are now as a couple traveling through life as Hydrogen peroxide (H2O2)

The hydrogen is still the director of the path of the relationship so it still works and is stable.

Then you have your scenario. H2O3 It is still possible to work as a relationship however it is unstable and it results in a reaction that causes things to split off from the relationship which changes what it once was which was H2O2 into just simply H2O with leftovers.

You then have to continue dumping more of yourself into the relationship beaker just to try to make it remain an equal relationship again. If then you try yet again to be higher than the equal the same reaction in the relationship will continue to happen.

Adding 1 in an attempt to control the relationship will result in a separation of 1 and a loss of another turning it back to water.

Did that make any sense to you?

It was just a complex way to explain that you lose some of your control and path direction in order to be in a relationship but also true is that you can never be anything but what you are without being in a relationship to begin with.

Just my opinions and observations
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 34
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 11:58:20 AM
I love it how when someone
has a bad feeling and looks for evidence
and finds it
She/he becomes the bad person
for looking!

Then the guilty part
acts like you put a spear through his eye
by looking on his phone
and amps the dramatics
for two weeks??
why even listen to that drama?

Is never a dude who was totally innocent
and did nothing wrong
the one who throws
the "How dare you looking in my phone" tantrum

The guiltier
the worse they try to make YOU feel

You did nothing wrong!
Except text that other woman
If you wanted to let her know
you could've just say that to her
instead of making her believe it was him texting

But, you were angry, hurt, etc.

Now why are you still thinking about this??

He is a slime bucket
just move on
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 35
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 2:18:21 PM
Right...wrong...In denial...exclusive...just dating...was I snooping???
Who the 'ell cares?
I hate it when people want to get hung up on words..."Did you have the EXCLUSIVE" TALK???
Why do we feel in this day and age that after dating 9 months,we would not expect or take for granted that this person wasn't telling you the truth"
You snooped because you had a "feeling" or intuition and you were "right"..
His response was a sign of quilt and wanting to turn the table.
Move on....If there is no trust you have nothing.

If you have nothing to hide...You hide nothing!!!
I can honestly say....After "seeing" or "dating" someone for 9 months or even if it was 1 month...my life is an open book!
 Tim0066
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 36
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 3:32:39 PM

Am I really that bad for looking in his phone or what?


Yes. You'd be angry too if he went in your phone. Then the texting with one of the girls he's hitting on... that was just low.

You should have left him before, you should leave him now, you should apologize to him for violating his privacy. You should hope for an appology from him for the other girls he's been hitting on but thats his to make not you to demand or its meaningless.

He's not worth your love... and you're probably not the best choice for anyone to date for your total lack of respect towards someone elses privacy.

What I really think is... you should just stay with each other, two jerks dating reduces the number of single jerks out there for any of the decent people who are single and looking.
 MissyTrouble
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 37
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 3:33:46 PM

As for all of the women here who say "You go girl. You did the right ting". How many women wouldn't mind a guy they are dating to snoop in their phone to see if they are cheating?


LOL.. if i were cheating..or whatever.. it would be LOGICAL for the man to look at My phone too..

Sorry.. this isn't about some bad woman invading someones privacy!
The fact is.. IF you feel something is wrong.. and go looking ..... You will always find.

He was playing.. and it was gonna end.. with or without that phone texting trickery!

Time to repair your life.. excommunicate that fool and look forward to finding a decent guy in the future.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 38
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 3:52:59 PM
I know I did the wrong thing Mr. MaleMan999. I said I feel bad. I really do. But, yeah he could of looked in my phone, my wallet any where I never had anything to hide.


Nope. Stop that. No self-flagellation. Reread five-marie's post a thousand times, maybe print it in 20 point font and put it on your fridge. Heck, all of the posts that state:
Your instincts told you something was wrong and you confirmed it and you are free of a bad person. Well done. Brava.

As to the posts that assume I (or anyone) would be upset if someone looked through personal things if he suspected I was cheating? Ridiculous. A liar, sneak, user or manipulator deserves to be caught and the person they are mistreating deserves to be free of the mistreatment.

In my experience, the guilty are more far likely to act indignant and outraged than the innocent- it's just another phase of the con. People who are good and do good naturally feel shame when they do something wrong- they don't lash out or make excuses. They sincerely work to repair the harm they might have caused.
 Rett56
Joined: 8/24/2011
Msg: 39
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 4:21:21 PM
I am not a snooper....I feel it is demeaning. However I do listen to gut feelings and usually if you take off the blinders and give them some rope....they will hang themselves. Sometimes you have to step back to get the clear perspective of a situation.
Communication certainly would have been a good idea but now it is something from the past.
Are you a a bad person? Poor choices don't make a person bad. You learn and move on. As far as missing what you thought you had....it was a delusion. Forget it.


 Easygoin68a
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 40
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 4:26:57 PM
Trust and honesty are two of the major building blocks in any relationship. Once the foundation gets washed away, the relationship will crumble.

Im sorry you had such a bad experience, truly - you seem like such a nice person:)
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 41
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 4:58:43 PM
There is a difference between privacy and secrecy and he crossed that line into secrecy. The overreaction on his part was a classic sign of guilt. I went through the same thing with my last ex. I should have not ignored the red flags that occurred a few months into an on and off 5 year relationship. The very last time I confronted her about something suspicious, she assaulted me after she gave me 3 different stories and I did not buy any of them. Transparency in relationships is so important nowadays. No secrets!
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 42
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 5:14:54 PM
OP, I think you love the drama. I don't think you are a bad person, but I do think you would not be happy with someone who is not into drama too. You shouldn't try to go for the nice guys if it not what you want.

The drama is the glue that makes you stick with him. You like him, you want him so go back out with him.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 43
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 5:29:47 PM
You NEVER should have violated him by looking thru his phone & texting her. You have serious boundry issues! You just don't do that. You should KNOW how wrong you were to do that, yet you are asking if you are in the wrong after you invaded his privacy. Did you look through his underwear drawer too? You were dating him. I don't see anything in your post that you were involved in an exclusive relationship w/him. Until you have the talk, you are not exclusive. Do you understand that he trusted you & you showed you are nothing but a snoop? You tarnished this so bad, there is no hope of salvaging this. Yes, he did lie to you & say they were his friends, maybe they were FWB. Maybe that's all you were to him too. Next time don't have sex w/a man until you are exclusive.

Regarding the money, you should have had the money he owed you in your hand before you did this, he'll use this as an excuse not to pay you back now. Next time don't lend out money. I hope you have learned from this experience.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 45
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 6:00:41 PM
Yes, he's a selfish bas**** crumb of of person. However, you could have saved yourself a lot of drama by simply breaking up with him once you felt the urge to go snooping through his phone, instead of actually doing the snooping, because the trust was gone at that point. How would you have felt if you had found nothing incriminating? Would you still have felt justified in snooping? The trust would still be gone.

You also crossed another line by contacting "the other woman". What did you hope to accomplish by that? Revenge? More drama? By this point in your life you should realize that nothing good can come of such an action. You don't know how "the other woman" will react. She could be a complete psycho (I hope you don't have any pet bunnies if this is a habit of yours).

The two of you are both well away from each other. If you never see the money he owes you, I'd say it serves you right for the way you reacted.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 47
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 6:21:31 PM
Seriously, these are the kind of BS headgames my 20something children play, and I tell them it's jr high level stuff at best. Shame on you both.
Just move on. I know that at our age it's not always as easy as it used to be, but clearly neither one of you were ready for that relationship.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 48
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 6:35:36 PM
no you are not a "bad person" for looking in his phone. you were in a relationship with the guy, and you had a right to know what was up before entangling your life further with this man. you found out the truth, and thank god you did! you did what was right for YOU. and please listen to yourself. how can you love a man that you can not trust? of course, it takes time to get over something like this, but you must move past this. this man is probably a sex addict, and if not that, at the very least he is a lying cheat. move on.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 49
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 7:45:02 PM
Iconoclast, there's been many compassionate and supportive posts and you've chosen to ignore those and only respond to the negative ones?
Your last post also sounds very negative.
"This is why I don't like people. I stay to myself and I don't usually have to hear crap. "

Makes me kinda sorry I wasted my time trying to make you feel better.
 StarCAGirl
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 50
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 3:59:27 AM
Everyday that passes I feel a little bit better. Just itsy wensy a little more sane.
I know I have a sharp tongue and maybe a few anger management classes would help me out. I feel I have a right to respond my feelings. I don't sugar coat anything and I don't want anyone else to either. I respect other peoples opinions that is why I posted my drama. I wanted to come out of my hermit stage and try to live with real people and act grown up.
But, if you want to say something that just sounds rude and mean why bother? What was that comment about "Blah blah blah"? She didn't have to read my post or respond.
I don't thrive on negativity but clearly I have a chip on my shoulder. And clearly I am not perfect. I appreciate everyone that posted a response. I was just trying to give the girl a shout out. This is a dating site, why not comb her hair before she drinks or after whatever the case is.
I am working on my issues like I said I feel better a little each day. Other than this mishap my life is pretty quiet I try my best sometimes that isn't good enough but I am not going to stop trying to be a good person because I slipped a few times ( Just call me Dr. House Jr. ).
Seriously, I will behave.
At least I am not Now I just feel like
Thanks again
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 52
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 11:56:48 AM
StarCa I think for the most part, dating sites are to find dates. Many are looking just to have sex.

Guys dont go bad overnight. If you looked on his phone then you knew something was going on.

You need to get more secure in yourself and realize this is a train wreck waiting to happen. Yes you are about a 9.9 on the denial scale of 10.0

And lets face it, do you actually think that's the only girl he was talking to or trying to hook up with? come on
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 53
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 11:58:52 AM

Who needs to look at their phones.
Do women not see that a dates phone
never rings? It`s always turned off.
But soonest they think you don`t see
them, they check their msg`s.
I never looked at their phones. They are
obvious enough , so I don`t even have to look.
I never turn off my cell. Even if another man
would call me. Why do men bother to turn
their phones off. Do they really think most
women are stupid enough not to figure out
the simplicity of their phone actions, lol??


Ranja the answer is yes; if women are into a guy many will believe ANYTHING they say. Why do you think so many cheat? because they can.

I just read 4 female posts from women who knowingly were cheated on and EACH went back to the guy. They did some terrible things to these girls but they still go back.

Yes some women are that dumb and guys know it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 54
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 1:26:40 PM

Ranja111:
I never turn off my cell. Even if another man
would call me. Why do men bother to turn their phones off.


It's called having Manners-to have someone turn their cell phone off while on a date. Obviously you think manners is an outdated practice and never use them. If I was meeting someone and the person is paying more attention, or any attention at all, to their cell phone while on a date, I would walk out and say "Have fun on your date with your phone."

The worst excuse people use for keeping their cell phones on while on a date is the "In case of emergency" crap. If you're totally paranoid about possible emergencies in the 2 or 3 hour span of a date or the 20 minute first meet-up and think the world will come to an end unless you talk on your cell phone, you should not be dating. You should crawl in a hole and do nothing but wait for that emergency call.
 StarCAGirl
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 55
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 7:44:07 PM
O’K you are all right. I do kind of like drama. I feel like it is adrenaline for me. Like when someone jumps off a bridge with a rubber cord . I am not afraid to confront people with my feelings. If I think it will make me feel batter and/or the situation better I will confront the issue head on. I should have been a boxer or race car driver. Some people avoid it like the plague.
I was looking for evidence so when I went to battle I could prove my case. As far as the other girl I feel I did her a service letting her know what kind of guy she was dealing with Women need to
stick together (HELLO ANY WOMEN OUT THERE?). Obviously she jumped ship and jumped on his side like women do. I tried telling him first but in little innuendo's and smart ass comments but he never got a clue. Anyway, I think you guys may have a point ( I already knew ) I am addicted to drama. I like the adrenaline. The way it feels when you walk up to the person or situation and just talk about the white elephant in the room. No matter what the outcome. It will be better at the end.
I am not trying to be negative. I love the comments and feedback. It is positive energy for me. Especially when women jump up and say something positive it is like gold to me. They are words of wisdom from my home planet that you can’t get in your local grocery store.
That is it.... My ex said I just go on and on.
Oh and I never turn my phone off. I just ignore the calls.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 56
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 8:16:42 PM

O’K you are all right. I do kind of like drama. I feel like it is adrenaline for me. Like when someone jumps off a bridge with a rubber cord


Have you tried actually boxing, racing, or bridge jumping for the adrenaline rush instead?? I think it would be more satisfying for both parties!


I am not afraid to confront people with my feelings. If I think it will make me feel batter and/or the situation better I will confront the issue head on. .... Some people avoid it like the plague.


Some people do avoid it unfortunately :(

But confrontation 'should' be about avoiding drama not seeing it as an opportunity for an adrenaline rush.

I would like to personally thank you for being someone else that believes in using cute emoticons!!! I don't use them as much as i'd like
 CaliforniaAries85
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 57
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 8:16:47 PM
Where the heck is your best girlfriend at? You are desperately in need of the Slap of Love. AKA are you f***ing kidding me? Chick, get it together. The guy was/is clearly a loser. WHOOPS! Let's not beat ourselves up too much about being dumb enough to stay with him for NINE MONTHS (we've all had at least one of "those" relationships). Let's just move on, forget about it, and SMARTEN UP. Love shmuv. You are more valuable than that crap. Let his mama love him. Move on, be a real woman, and get yourself a real man.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 58
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History
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 9:06:17 PM
@Redcassandra: You handled your situation the right way. Unfortunately, the cheater gets their ego stroked while the other 2 involved fight each other. How many times do we see this on "Cheaters"? You and the cheaters girlfriend handled it like ladies.

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