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 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 51
Am I in denial or just a bad person?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
no you are not a "bad person" for looking in his phone. you were in a relationship with the guy, and you had a right to know what was up before entangling your life further with this man. you found out the truth, and thank god you did! you did what was right for YOU. and please listen to yourself. how can you love a man that you can not trust? of course, it takes time to get over something like this, but you must move past this. this man is probably a sex addict, and if not that, at the very least he is a lying cheat. move on.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 52
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 7:45:02 PM
Iconoclast, there's been many compassionate and supportive posts and you've chosen to ignore those and only respond to the negative ones?
Your last post also sounds very negative.
"This is why I don't like people. I stay to myself and I don't usually have to hear crap. "

Makes me kinda sorry I wasted my time trying to make you feel better.
 StarCAGirl
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 53
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 3:59:27 AM
Everyday that passes I feel a little bit better. Just itsy wensy a little more sane.
I know I have a sharp tongue and maybe a few anger management classes would help me out. I feel I have a right to respond my feelings. I don't sugar coat anything and I don't want anyone else to either. I respect other peoples opinions that is why I posted my drama. I wanted to come out of my hermit stage and try to live with real people and act grown up.
But, if you want to say something that just sounds rude and mean why bother? What was that comment about "Blah blah blah"? She didn't have to read my post or respond.
I don't thrive on negativity but clearly I have a chip on my shoulder. And clearly I am not perfect. I appreciate everyone that posted a response. I was just trying to give the girl a shout out. This is a dating site, why not comb her hair before she drinks or after whatever the case is.
I am working on my issues like I said I feel better a little each day. Other than this mishap my life is pretty quiet I try my best sometimes that isn't good enough but I am not going to stop trying to be a good person because I slipped a few times ( Just call me Dr. House Jr. ).
Seriously, I will behave.
At least I am not Now I just feel like
Thanks again
 NS_ARTEMIS
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 54
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 4:05:48 AM
No, actually, you were attempting to be catty not helpful. You should have just put your big girl panties on instead of attempting to insult her. You may not realize it, but you did cause your own drama. No one would be blowing up my phone for two weeks. He would have made two phone calls before I would have had that stopped.
 Rascal300
Joined: 9/1/2011
Msg: 55
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 6:47:57 AM
Forum you always have such good post. OP no need to try and patch this up. He will never respect you, he will just know you're weak. Call you needy, passive/agressive etc. Make him invisible. I suggest you take sometime off from dating, involve yourself in other things for a while. If you get into another relationship to soon, you'll probably be the person hurting someone else. You have recieved a lot of good advice (and some not so good). Love hurts, scars remind. Remember your scars, and avoid the things that gave them to you.

Peace
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 56
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 11:56:48 AM
StarCa I think for the most part, dating sites are to find dates. Many are looking just to have sex.

Guys dont go bad overnight. If you looked on his phone then you knew something was going on.

You need to get more secure in yourself and realize this is a train wreck waiting to happen. Yes you are about a 9.9 on the denial scale of 10.0

And lets face it, do you actually think that's the only girl he was talking to or trying to hook up with? come on
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 57
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 11:58:52 AM

Who needs to look at their phones.
Do women not see that a dates phone
never rings? It`s always turned off.
But soonest they think you don`t see
them, they check their msg`s.
I never looked at their phones. They are
obvious enough , so I don`t even have to look.
I never turn off my cell. Even if another man
would call me. Why do men bother to turn
their phones off. Do they really think most
women are stupid enough not to figure out
the simplicity of their phone actions, lol??


Ranja the answer is yes; if women are into a guy many will believe ANYTHING they say. Why do you think so many cheat? because they can.

I just read 4 female posts from women who knowingly were cheated on and EACH went back to the guy. They did some terrible things to these girls but they still go back.

Yes some women are that dumb and guys know it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 58
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 1:26:40 PM

Ranja111:
I never turn off my cell. Even if another man
would call me. Why do men bother to turn their phones off.


It's called having Manners-to have someone turn their cell phone off while on a date. Obviously you think manners is an outdated practice and never use them. If I was meeting someone and the person is paying more attention, or any attention at all, to their cell phone while on a date, I would walk out and say "Have fun on your date with your phone."

The worst excuse people use for keeping their cell phones on while on a date is the "In case of emergency" crap. If you're totally paranoid about possible emergencies in the 2 or 3 hour span of a date or the 20 minute first meet-up and think the world will come to an end unless you talk on your cell phone, you should not be dating. You should crawl in a hole and do nothing but wait for that emergency call.
 StarCAGirl
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 59
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 7:44:07 PM
O’K you are all right. I do kind of like drama. I feel like it is adrenaline for me. Like when someone jumps off a bridge with a rubber cord . I am not afraid to confront people with my feelings. If I think it will make me feel batter and/or the situation better I will confront the issue head on. I should have been a boxer or race car driver. Some people avoid it like the plague.
I was looking for evidence so when I went to battle I could prove my case. As far as the other girl I feel I did her a service letting her know what kind of guy she was dealing with Women need to
stick together (HELLO ANY WOMEN OUT THERE?). Obviously she jumped ship and jumped on his side like women do. I tried telling him first but in little innuendo's and smart ass comments but he never got a clue. Anyway, I think you guys may have a point ( I already knew ) I am addicted to drama. I like the adrenaline. The way it feels when you walk up to the person or situation and just talk about the white elephant in the room. No matter what the outcome. It will be better at the end.
I am not trying to be negative. I love the comments and feedback. It is positive energy for me. Especially when women jump up and say something positive it is like gold to me. They are words of wisdom from my home planet that you can’t get in your local grocery store.
That is it.... My ex said I just go on and on.
Oh and I never turn my phone off. I just ignore the calls.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 60
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 8:16:42 PM

O’K you are all right. I do kind of like drama. I feel like it is adrenaline for me. Like when someone jumps off a bridge with a rubber cord


Have you tried actually boxing, racing, or bridge jumping for the adrenaline rush instead?? I think it would be more satisfying for both parties!


I am not afraid to confront people with my feelings. If I think it will make me feel batter and/or the situation better I will confront the issue head on. .... Some people avoid it like the plague.


Some people do avoid it unfortunately :(

But confrontation 'should' be about avoiding drama not seeing it as an opportunity for an adrenaline rush.

I would like to personally thank you for being someone else that believes in using cute emoticons!!! I don't use them as much as i'd like
 CaliforniaAries85
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 61
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 8:16:47 PM
Where the heck is your best girlfriend at? You are desperately in need of the Slap of Love. AKA are you f***ing kidding me? Chick, get it together. The guy was/is clearly a loser. WHOOPS! Let's not beat ourselves up too much about being dumb enough to stay with him for NINE MONTHS (we've all had at least one of "those" relationships). Let's just move on, forget about it, and SMARTEN UP. Love shmuv. You are more valuable than that crap. Let his mama love him. Move on, be a real woman, and get yourself a real man.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 62
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/20/2011 9:06:17 PM
@Redcassandra: You handled your situation the right way. Unfortunately, the cheater gets their ego stroked while the other 2 involved fight each other. How many times do we see this on "Cheaters"? You and the cheaters girlfriend handled it like ladies.

 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 63
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/21/2011 1:26:37 AM
wow..i figured this was from a 22 yr. old..not 52!!! Sweetheart, you deserve better..why is your self-esteem sooo low?/ You are beautiful, intelligent and deserve better than this 2-timing loser!If you got proof of the 'loan'..and its substantial, take him to small claims and get ur money back. Otherwise move on immediately and chalk this up to 'experiences' in the dating world.
 StarCAGirl
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 64
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/21/2011 4:28:59 AM
@CAAries85
My BFF is busy. She had a death in the family. I don't want to bother her with my dumb problems. And you are right she would slap me silly.
My family lives in a different town so I spend most of my free time alone with my dog. I think that is a part of the problem. I am really shy believe it or not and it is hard for me to meet people. Once I know you I will talk your head off and wear a lamp shade to make you laugh . Give you the shirt off my back if you need it.
I moved from my home town and my people because I could afford to buy a house here (3 years go). But I feel I have turned into a hermit. I work, sleep, work, sleep and than drive a lot. Oh and go to church on Sunday.
I am moving on maybe not as fast as I should be and I am just mad now not sad like I was. So it is better and tomorrow will be even better than today.
Thanks Ms CA I am Aries as well.
No, I haven't tried jumping off a bridge or race car driving. But, I do like to cook but I don't think my little doggy appreciates it.
Thanks Peoples for the words of encouragement. Good and bad it all helps . And just so you know it wasn't a lot of money. I have decided to chalk it up. He must need it more than I do.
Have a great rest of the day Its almost Friday
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 65
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/21/2011 4:51:36 AM
I can't say much about anything on this topic other than ask, it took ya nine months to figure this guy out?????

It is a shame you actually had to check the phone to "prove" to YOURSELF that this guy was wrong for you. But if that's what it takes, I guess that's what it takes. I know, from what you have stated here OP, it wouldn't have taken me 9 months or any phone "checking". Good luck,,,,,in the future.
 Krissie59
Joined: 10/15/2010
Msg: 66
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 3/31/2012 10:40:27 PM
It sounds like you have an intuition but are not trusting it. I understand this as it has taken me many many years to trust my own "intuition." For some reason we feel the need to confront, have evidence or collect evidence to present to the offending party in the hopes of what? Usually they DENY DENY DENY to their grave even with offending evidence slapped in their faces. It's complete self-flagellation and wasted breath and energy. I feel for ya. Been there, got the t-shirt.

That's okay! You NEEDED the evidence; you are not trusting your gut. One day, I hope you can. Then, you can "walk away" and he'll wonder, "What I'd do?"

No need to feel bad about anything..of course, you aren't evil. You sound like a good person trapped with this player. Now your "denial" is out in the light. Now, you'll have to get over him, which is unpleasant too.
 Tristle
Joined: 9/11/2010
Msg: 67
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 5:03:09 AM
I don't think you're evil necessarily, but it was kinda bad to carry on a conversation via text with one of his she friends. and then to text her back from your phone the next day telling her so. BUT, your tactics did reveal that this was not just a friendship, but more. OTOH, It isn't her fault and and she didnt' deserve that type of reception. sounds like you might have had a pretty good reason to snoop though. He was obviously lying to you.
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 68
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 6:40:06 AM
This is what I don't understand about some women.
You know he cheated behind your back. Never mind how you found out. You found out. And you still want to forgive him and get him back?
Well, that is one lucky **stard, then.

WEll, if that's where you are leaning towards, go ahead and take him back.
It seems you are also supporting him financially. When you take him back, why don't you give him a daily foot rub while you're at it? Maybe he's a good lay, who knows, that's why you want him back. But yeah, go for it... While you're at it, you might as well make peace with the other women and maybe invite them over too.
 mj4660
Joined: 1/30/2011
Msg: 69
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 9:21:00 AM
To male man....I would have no problem with anyone I'm dating going through my phone as I would never do or say anything that I wouldn't tell the person anyway....
 tilark99
Joined: 1/21/2012
Msg: 70
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 10:30:35 AM
Hmmm denial or bad person? Maybe a touch of both.

I suspect you were in denial for a long time, usually women know intuitively before they snoop to confirm what they already beleive. Snooping is not admirable. But I guess it gave you closure. Now to text and call the other woman--that is where I'd have to say you crossed the line to regretable behavior.

Then you lasped into something between denial and foolishness to engage in fighting with him for a couple weeks. I mean, seriously, why bother? You suspected something was wrong, you proved it by snooping, then you rattled everyone's cage... what more could possibly have been left to accomplish?

So yes, you were bad to snoop. You were not smart to be in a relationship that was not exclusive, then not listen to your gut. (and it does not matter than he told his cousin or his dog that he loved you and slept over every night, he actually has to make a verbal statement about being exclusive and stop chasing women if it's going to be an exclusive relationship.) So far, you really hurt yourself more than him.

When you got dramatic and texted as him, and called the other woman, you were doing stuff that makes for a good soap opera, but it really not so dignified or classy. Try to skip over that part in the future. Of course it won't come up if you skip the denial stages. Sometimes you have to use your brains to be fair to yourself. I think you can do better.
 jackiejc
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 71
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 1:22:13 PM
Wish I had of been nosy it took me a yr and a half to catch the jerk I was with because I never snoop! So just be glad you found out what a jerk he was !We are way more important than that ! And hopefully we learn from it !
 GreaterThan3
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 72
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:09:44 PM
Why are there so many supporters of the OP? I'm sure we all know cheating is wrong. So basically if you suspect your S/O of doing something wrong you immediately have the right to intrude where you see fit? And not only rob them of their privacy but to then destroy their other personal relationships (whether they were formed on lies or not)?

When police use methods like this to get evidence, the evidence is immediately nullified. Because it is wrong. Just like cheating. If you're so suspicious that someone is cheating, ask to see the phone. Nobody deserves to be cheated on behind their back. Likewise, nobody deserves to have their privacy invaded behind their back.

Respect and trust are requirements in any relationship. The cheater and the snooper both destroy the respect and trust of one another. Thus neither deserve them in return. Two wrongs don't make a right.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 73
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:16:22 PM
Lady, you are 52 year old and you are acting like you are in middle school. You waste 9 months stewing over his online time, then you go mental because you cannot take not knowing. So you snoop and lo and behold you were right all along!!!!! Then you waster another 2.5 weeks hounding him to be truthful? You already knew he was lying.

If you don't like a man's behavior after you start to date then walk away. There are men everywhere and most of them are not jerks like this guy. You settle for less, then you get exactly what you deserve. Why do you accept something you don't like and then act horrified when your gut feeling is correct?
 800Megawattz
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 74
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Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 5:40:02 PM
you were looking for drama and you found it but didn't go the way you were expecting!!
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 75
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 6:01:54 PM

But, I am still the bad person because I looked in his phone. Now he simply ignores me.


I don't understand why you would want him to NOT ignore you? Just let him go away...


Of course he owes me money on top of everything else.


Lesson #1, don't lend money to a new lover. If it's a small amount, write it off as the cost of the lesson. If it's a significant amount, seek redress in small claims court.


Right now I am miserable and wish I could start all over again.


You can. Just do it with someone else.
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