Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Am I in denial or just a bad person?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 jackiejc
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 71
Am I in denial or just a bad person?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Wish I had of been nosy it took me a yr and a half to catch the jerk I was with because I never snoop! So just be glad you found out what a jerk he was !We are way more important than that ! And hopefully we learn from it !
 GreaterThan3
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 72
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:09:44 PM
Why are there so many supporters of the OP? I'm sure we all know cheating is wrong. So basically if you suspect your S/O of doing something wrong you immediately have the right to intrude where you see fit? And not only rob them of their privacy but to then destroy their other personal relationships (whether they were formed on lies or not)?

When police use methods like this to get evidence, the evidence is immediately nullified. Because it is wrong. Just like cheating. If you're so suspicious that someone is cheating, ask to see the phone. Nobody deserves to be cheated on behind their back. Likewise, nobody deserves to have their privacy invaded behind their back.

Respect and trust are requirements in any relationship. The cheater and the snooper both destroy the respect and trust of one another. Thus neither deserve them in return. Two wrongs don't make a right.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 73
view profile
History
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:16:22 PM
Lady, you are 52 year old and you are acting like you are in middle school. You waste 9 months stewing over his online time, then you go mental because you cannot take not knowing. So you snoop and lo and behold you were right all along!!!!! Then you waster another 2.5 weeks hounding him to be truthful? You already knew he was lying.

If you don't like a man's behavior after you start to date then walk away. There are men everywhere and most of them are not jerks like this guy. You settle for less, then you get exactly what you deserve. Why do you accept something you don't like and then act horrified when your gut feeling is correct?
 800Megawattz
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 74
view profile
History
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 5:40:02 PM
you were looking for drama and you found it but didn't go the way you were expecting!!
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 75
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 6:01:54 PM

But, I am still the bad person because I looked in his phone. Now he simply ignores me.


I don't understand why you would want him to NOT ignore you? Just let him go away...


Of course he owes me money on top of everything else.


Lesson #1, don't lend money to a new lover. If it's a small amount, write it off as the cost of the lesson. If it's a significant amount, seek redress in small claims court.


Right now I am miserable and wish I could start all over again.


You can. Just do it with someone else.
 ixtlan09
Joined: 12/12/2010
Msg: 76
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 7:11:05 PM
You did/maybe still do still love him? Wow, you must be a glutton for punishment. If so, don't worry about losing him. Abusers are easy to find. You'll have no problem finding another guy who will cheat on you and blame you for it to take his place.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 77
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/1/2012 9:36:39 PM
I'm thinking you were hooked on him but didn't have a solid commitment like you thought you deserved, so..., thinking you shoud after 9 months, you snooped-didn't like what you found at that point. Am I right? close to the truth? Rather than play God and decide whether you are 'bad' or 'good', I'll just say: You were a human, and a woman with a heart who decided you wanted him. He didn't give you the promise of exclusive commitment you wanted and hoped for. He said things which probably left you hoping but...followthrough was lacking? When you are not getting solid confirmation of a man's plans for you and with you, it's reckoning time. You can live in fantasy, but he can still have his free will. If his heart was not for you, you cannot make him change his feelings towards you...OP, you don't have to answer me, but -have you been truly deeply devotedly loved by a man before? When that is the case, the confusion and doubt just aren't there. The man makes sure you know how he feels because he's telling the world. Since that wasn't the case, as much as you like or love this guy and hoped for the rainbows and butterflies, you do have the info to free yourself and let this one go. Farther along there is someone for you who will love you the way your soul knows you deserve to be loved. You are an attractive, intelligent Lady IMHO, and I am sure it took a lot of guts to post here about this. Make yourself available for the true match OP
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 78
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/2/2012 6:34:10 AM

How many women wouldn't mind a guy they are dating to snoop in their phone to see if they are cheating?
I can answer for myself. I dated a man for two years....we mutually agreed that we were exclusive, it was VITAL to him that I prove I was faithful as he'd had bad experiences in the past. When we had agreed that not only were we exclusive, but we were going to marry in the future (no date set) and planned our future......at that point he started outbursts of insecurity about where I was, who I was with, what our conversation was, etc. For a short time I said "here, look at my phone, here look around my computer". Having given him access, instead of being relieved, he decided that I was just so sneaky that I hid it all and was the worst kind of liar. So, no, giving someone "reassurance" by way of proof doesn't necessarily answer the question either. I tried it with a man I loved and trusted, and all it did was escalate his insanity.

Fact is, I think the OP was completely insecure (understandable) and has had a beautiful opportunity to trust her intuition and make a choice to move on, without snooping. I don't believe it's okay to prove yourself right by lying and cheating (isn't that what the OP was dealing with in her partner? Isn't that what is unacceptable? If it's unacceptable in one person, it is also unacceptable in another). On the other hand, trusting ones intuition is a long road for some, and I can understand that, also.

My advice, never try to prove yourself but be observable, and never ask anyone to prove themselves, but remain in a position where you do observe and TRUST YOUR INTUITION regularly. Pretty soon, it'll be second nature. Your conclusions about others aren't really about if they are rotten people, they are about if those people are right for YOU. No need to condemn.
 blondiein2012
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 79
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/2/2012 11:30:22 AM
You know I am getting fed up with all these "trust" statements people make. Trust takes time to develop and if you are getting a bad vibe about a guy (or a gal) in the early stages of a dating situation I say do whatever the hell you have to to confirm or deny your suspicions. If you snoop and find nothing, back off. If you snoop and find ample evidence that you were right, good for you! All of this, "if you trusted him you woudln't have done that and if you didn't trust him you should have left him" is the high school bulshit scenario here. I am suspicious of everyone until they show me I don't have to be and I think on a site like this it behooves everyone to take a look behind the curtain when the opportunity presents itself. Just be prepared for what you might find.
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 80
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/2/2012 5:34:43 PM
The man is a piece of schitt! You did right to look at his phone contacts..anyone says different are lieing! I would have contacted the other women too..they had a right to know the lieing azz was cheating. Forget those on here who says differently..shows their morals!

Why agonise over a cheating piece of crap? Forget him and thank your stars you didnt put in any more wasted time with this loser!
 NolitaFairytale
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 81
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/2/2012 6:06:12 PM
It wasn't the best thing that you did, but you found out he's a liar and a cheater and it should be a good thing for you that you're rid of him. If a guy goes on POF regularly and isn't a forum user, they're still looking, if the people were his friends he could have added them to msn or facebook or texted them, no need for POF.
 graytemplesandeyes
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 82
view profile
History
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/3/2012 9:24:09 AM
I think neither.

The guy was a bum. He wasn't worthy of trust and you rightly didn't trust him. For him to throw it back on you was pretty weak.

His correct response, if he cared for you at all would have been confession and contrition. He did neither.

It's hard to give up a reasonably long relationship, and you are calling that denial. It's not. You've experienced loss. Do a little grieving and then with wisdom, move on.
 KingofSnuggles
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 83
view profile
History
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/3/2012 3:29:19 PM
I will say, both parties have some SERIOUS responsibility for the outcome here - neither are free from fault. If you had suspicions as stated before then you should have confronted him (in an adult manner not an attack) or just decided that if his actions causes suspicion then it probably wasn't what you were looking for in the first place and ended it.


people that just lie to lie. It makes me ill.


Then you should be making YOURSELF sick, since you (a) pretended to be him while texting the female friend and (b) not just being upfront with him about what you did BEFORE you go texting her again from your own phone.


In the end, yes your spidey senses were right but your method in getting there.......EPIC fail!!


Best of luck with the next guy!
 HerImperfectsoul
Joined: 9/16/2008
Msg: 84
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/3/2012 4:04:17 PM
Maleman999 -Are you frigging kidding??????????????
 HerImperfectsoul
Joined: 9/16/2008
Msg: 85
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/3/2012 4:08:12 PM
King of snuggles---Considering the guy has been lying to her all along, do you REALLY think he would have poured out the truth to her if she asked? Come on now, if he were that upfront, he would'nt have done it in the first place. She needed closure, and she got it. Been there, done that.
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 86
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/3/2012 4:09:19 PM
Sounds like he opened the door by not alleviating your concerns, which it turns out were well founded. I'm not convinced you did anything wrong with his phone, but even if you did, his violations against you were 100 times more serious.

So are you a bad person because the man you were seeing was sneaky and you caught him? My vote is a resounding "No." You are better off without someone like that.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 87
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/3/2012 4:17:18 PM
He has a right to feel very violated by your actions, however, if he had been honest with you, you never would have overstepped your bounds like you did. Deep down your gut was telling you for a long time he wasn't being honest, but you handeled the situaton wrong. Chalk it up to experience, in the future, walk away before you do this again.
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 88
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/4/2012 3:45:17 PM
I'm lost.... Did she ever actually answer to whether or not she actually used her words and talked to the guy about if it is / isn't anything more than just casually dating?

Cuz I know, me personally, especially if I'm dating someone for 9 months, if I'm looking for something serious, I'm not going to wait around for anyone that isn't.

It's a harsh thing to say, but if you never talked to him about that specific issue, on whether or not you two are being serious about each other, then it's your own fault that he was talking to other people. If you wanted a monogomous relationship out of it with that guy, you should have said something during that 9 months.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 89
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/4/2012 4:24:04 PM
StarCAGirl- I don't think you are a bad person. However, this whole thing strikes me as immature.
At a certain point you have to realize that a direct approach is best. If you aren't sure where you stand, ask. If you know what you want tell the other person.
Snooping through someone's cell phone is something you don't do.
We have instincts for a reason, if you don't trust someone and there's a valid reason why, you should listen to your inner voice and walk away.
Better luck next time (and for the record you are better off without him, liars and cheats rarely change).
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 90
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/4/2012 10:23:20 PM
these are dating sites; not friends sites. so many guys cheat and so many let them.

I can't believe that within 9 months of knowing someone you are with him and you are giving him money. So many online go so freaking fast.

Get the money and run; dont walk run. This is a dog and you need to pick a better guy next time.

You did nothing wrong; you weren't cheating. he was.

Women always think they have this magical thing when in reality it's not half as good as they think. This guy is a dog; a dirty dog; move on.

Never met a cheater yet who says,"yes, I'm a cheater".
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 91
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/5/2012 5:12:44 AM
ur 52 yrs. old?/ i would expect this from someone half ur age..but not at 52!! You're very attractive and can look in my phone anytime..
 TallTony40
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 92
view profile
History
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/5/2012 7:11:43 AM
Well I would not care one bit if a girl i was seeing looked at my phone or anything of mine, Private is something you don't want a stranger to see, but the person you are with should know you would have nothing to hide, we live in a world where the majority of people are still good honest and kind hearted, don't waist your time on anyone who can be so deceitful, and don't listen to negative comments made about you, you gave your love and your trust to someone who betrayed that, your actions were out of shock and horror at what you had discovered and i understand!
 Julietsdestiny
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 93
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/5/2012 7:29:41 AM
Wow OP.....Your 52 years of age and are doing things a 10 year old would do and so is he.
If you lend a person money then don't expect to get it back unless you have a written contract!
Actually texting these women from HIS private phone? Are you kidding me?
If anyone did that to me then they would be long gone.
You are insecure, controlling and a down right nasty person.
Lay off the booze (more than 3 x a week) and you might be able to think straight.
I look forward to your drunken reply.
 FNADude
Joined: 7/22/2011
Msg: 94
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/5/2012 9:19:39 AM
Dating for 9 months may not be enough to violate his privacy - you should have just assumed the worst and kicked his butt out!!

I was married to a cheater so I feel your pain. I believe that marriage creates a bond that surpasses privacy. So if you were married you would have every right to check his phone. If you are married and your spouse claims rights to their privacy then you need to contact a lawyer because the end is near.
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 95
Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 4/5/2012 9:27:00 AM

Women always think they have this magical thing when in reality it's not half as good as they think


Really. All women do this. Wow. Good to know.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Am I in denial or just a bad person?