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 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 26
Being honest about datingPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

If you are seeing someone and have not actually had the lets make it official talk, should you tell them that you are going on a date with someone else? I mean, should you volunteer this information, be honest if asked what you are doing that night, or should you just say going out with a friend?

Thanks


You should do the right thing. If they ask you tell them.
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 27
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/20/2011 11:39:53 AM
so i take it..u have banged him, huh?/
 melanie128
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 28
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/20/2011 12:15:21 PM
Why would you say that?
 fitnezz4u
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 29
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/20/2011 12:58:55 PM
funny you asked that, I just told someone that I was meeting up with somone after he and I had our first date the same week. yes I did not have to tell him but I wanted to. I'm a honest person and he appreciated that I told him even when I didnt have to do that. But no you dont have to tell him if you're not committed.
 Artistee
Joined: 7/24/2006
Msg: 30
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Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/22/2011 7:09:52 AM
Nowadays, it's called, "Friends with Benefits"...
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 31
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/22/2011 12:40:23 PM
cause i can tell....i'm a bit older than you..(with more experience) and if you felt guilty about the other date, then it means you've at least explored b.j.'s and the like with this current dude.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 32
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/22/2011 12:43:35 PM
Are you seeing other people?
Yes
Why?
You are only a maybe
....
That should free up alot of your time - I know it would be my exit signal
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 33
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/22/2011 12:48:40 PM
msg 25
If you are already so into this guy that you need to 'talk to him' about accepting a date with some other guy-why bother to date the other guy?

The other "sneaky" way to do it would be to discuss multi-dating as a "hypothetical"-or the old " I have this friend..." to find out his general philosophy about multi-dating.

echnically, if there has been no talk of exclusivity, you are in no way obligated to discuss your other social activities. However, if it somehow comes out that you are also dating other guys, there is no guarantee that this "technicality" is going to keep him from being mad.

My PERSONAL position is that multi-dating is not so bad, but that multiple concurrent sex partners is kind of-well-ICK!,however this is just my personal standard. What anyone else does is their own business. There are perfectly good and decent people who don't restrict themselves sexually, except to behave responsibly in terms of safe sex and contraception.

There are few "cast in stone" "rules" for Adventures in Modern Dating...you have to do what seems to be the best and right thing for yourself. "Playing the field" or "multi-dating " are not always bad options if they are available and feasible to a person, but some will tend to disagree with that.

Multi-dating can be a way to make sure that any exclusivity choice you make is truly based on wanting to be with that person,rather than just wanting to be in a relationship.

But, in this specific situation OP, either don't date the other guy, OR don't "talk to" a guy you are already dating about dating other guys. This is something you have to work out your OWN philosophy(and sometimes your own salvation!) on. You can of course seek input from those who can have some degree of impartiality,but to seek opinions/insight from someone you are dating, about dating somebody else, is about like asking a cat how to nurture mice...
Cindy O
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 34
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/22/2011 7:27:35 PM
Or, and I know this sounds crazy but, you could initiate the "Let's make it official" conversation and see where that goes.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 35
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Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/22/2011 7:33:54 PM

If you are seeing someone and have not actually had the lets make it official talk, should you tell them that you are going on a date with someone else?


Should you communicate with the guy what page you're on? Yes. Always. You should encourage him to do the same.
 Jd_27
Joined: 8/24/2011
Msg: 36
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/22/2011 8:48:58 PM
I don't know how many people on this site go on multiple dates, but now when I do go out with a girl I suspect that she'll be seeing someone else tomorrow. It's a meat market! Personally, that is not how I operate but I know a lot do.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 37
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/22/2011 9:08:06 PM
The other "sneaky" way to do it would be to discuss multi-dating as a "hypothetical"-or the old " I have this friend..." to find out his general philosophy about multi-dating.

Sneaky? Not unless the guy is as dumb as a post. That would be my cue to relegate someone to the sex only bin.

echnically, if there has been no talk of exclusivity, you are in no way obligated to discuss your other social activities.

Correct but:

My PERSONAL position is that multi-dating is not so bad, but that multiple concurrent sex partners is kind of-well-ICK!,

Nothing like trying to have it both ways. If someone isn't obligated to say anything without discussing exclusivity, then whether or not you're having sex with someone who is having sex with others is a crap shoot. People generally don't sit down and say, ``Gee, I think it's time to have sex. Can we be exclusive before we get undressed?'' Regardless of what people say, most people let it happen when it happens and don't call timeout to ask if the other person is sleeping with the other people he/she has been dating. Mostly they get undressed and ask questions aftward. If I had to do it all over again, I'd take what I've learned from the forums as acceptable ethical behaviour and just not tell anyone that not being exclusive from the start was a dealbreaker, since apparently I have no obligation to tell anyone anything about my social life unless I'm dating someone exclusively. I sure could have gotten laid more often and met the ethical standards you just outlined.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 38
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/22/2011 10:22:26 PM
My PERSONAL position is that multi-dating is not so bad, but that multiple concurrent sex partners is kind of-well-ICK!


I concur with that 100%.


Nothing like trying to have it both ways. If someone isn't obligated to say anything without discussing exclusivity, then whether or not you're having sex with someone who is having sex with others is a crap shoot. People generally don't sit down and say, ``Gee, I think it's time to have sex. Can we be exclusive before we get undressed?''


That was never an issue with me. I told prospective dates upfront during our e-mail exchanges that I didn't believe in sex without an exclusivity agreement---and that I was currently dating casually and meeting new people. It left no room for any misunderstandings. Those men that didn't agree with my stance on dating and sex didn't proceed with meeting me.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 39
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Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/22/2011 11:04:56 PM

My PERSONAL position is that multi-dating is not so bad, but that multiple concurrent sex partners is kind of-well-ICK!

I concur with that 100%.<


Really??

Come on. We are all adults here. Lets not pretend what adults do while dating....

How can you realistically condone multi-dating but not condone them having sex!? Of course they are having sex... that's what adults do while they date...

So silly to me...
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 40
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Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/22/2011 11:21:30 PM
@zachariahticer: dating = porking. Heard this on Tom Leykis Show (Leykis 101). I had my own situation like that about 8 years ago. Was dating a lady casually less than 3 months (definition of dating stated at beginning of my post), and we had not had any talk about exclusivity. Was set up on a blind date. I told her and she seemed ok with it. Next day after the date, she had a different attitude. I lost on both ends as the blind date was so so.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 41
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Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:49:03 AM
@velmavalento: I was not specific enough in my story initially. I said less than 3 months, it was probably around 2 months. Saw each other about once a week. When I first met her she was not looking for a relationship. It seemed more like fwb. I did press a little forward, but she backed away. So the exclusivity talk never came up. It's my fault if there was more interest from her and I missed it. Hope this clears things up. It was a lesson learned for me.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 42
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Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:58:23 AM
I think you should be honest, and unless you are leading them up the garden path why would you want to hide it anyway?

And suppose it DID become official, then they found out about it later? Its hardly going to help to form a foundation of trust to build any relationship on is it?


If you dont think youre doing anything wrong, dont think you have anything you should NEED to hide then why do so?

If youre doing it to keep them on the back burner while you try out other possibilies though then just be honest about that, and if theyre not happy with being the back up plan if better options dont pan out for you then I'd say thats a reasonable reaction, and is an informed decision they should be allowed to make
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 43
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Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/23/2011 3:45:41 AM
Kind of funny how "getting to know someone" is supposed to be SUCH an important part of dating, then with topics like this which IS an important part of knowing a persons morals, views and outlook the "if they dont ask, dont tell and even if they DO ask its none of their business" type of rhetoric pops up haha


I would wonder how the OP would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If she quite liked someone and was hoping it would become serious and hoped obviously that they felt the same then found out that she was just on the "possible" list while they went on dates with other people who were on the "potentially a better choice" list


Would she rather have known that up front? Or would it be "fine" for him to not feel the need or inclination to to let her in on his other dating escapades?


With things like this its quite common for people to want what they want, even though they would probably not be overly impressed if somebody did the same to them

If theres anything worth having between you it will still be there if youre honest AND youre not doing something that would put off most people (which wouldnt need to be hidden away behind semantics anyway if that was the case)

If on the other hand youre doing something YOU wouldnt like, then you should be a grown up and own your actions and any fallout they cause
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 44
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/23/2011 5:34:16 AM

If you are seeing someone and have not actually had the lets make it official talk, should you tell them that you are going on a date with someone else?


Do what you believe you should. Do what you would like to happen to you????

I don't enjoy telling people what to do, or how to do it. It's basically up to you and how you think,how you live your life. At 38, I would think you would have this type of thing figured out by now, meaning, how you would like to be treated, and how you treat others.

Personally, IF I DID like dating more than one at a time( I don't), I would say so BEFORE I starting dating anyone. That way, there is no confusion,cause, let's face it, with the varying degrees of thinking(shown here in the responses),dating can be confusing and misrepresentation is a biggy.

Remember to take everything I say with a grain of salt. I'm an old shiat, and from that old school.
 smua
Joined: 4/20/2010
Msg: 45
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Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/23/2011 6:04:27 AM
I have a history of being exclusive from the first date and it landed me in a couple of LTR without giving it enough thought or really knowing who I was with and vice versa. Now I am working hard not to get too serious too fast. And for me this purposely includes not having any of "the talks" for a long time.

Mind you, this is me. I have no problem getting into relationships. It's getting into the right ones that can be a challenge.
 smua
Joined: 4/20/2010
Msg: 46
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Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/23/2011 6:09:09 AM

Really??

Come on. We are all adults here. Lets not pretend what adults do while dating....

How can you realistically condone multi-dating but not condone them having sex!? Of course they are having sex... that's what adults do while they date...

So silly to me...

What he said. Well maybe not for sure they are having sex, but there is a good chance. And it is not a disgusting or evil thing.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 47
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/23/2011 6:11:57 AM

At least tell them you are open to dating others-they should know that if asked out by someone interesting, that you would likely go for it. Id never let someone assume Im not interested in dating others if I was in fact interested in dating others.

I feel the same. If someone assumed falsely (and I knew about it), I couldn’t let them continue in that misperception – not when it could lead to a painful surprise for them later on.

Presumably we care enough about the people we’re dating not to hurt them, even with our silence.

I would rather make our status clearly understood – we’re free to date others. Then whether you choose to do so or when or with whom is your business.

And sometimes as a relationship continues, this needs to be stated more than once, as misunderstandings in matters of exclusivity are of common occurrence.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 48
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Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/23/2011 12:40:15 PM
I think for some people they prefer not to draw attention to them continuing to date because if they did the person(s) theyre dating might also decide to do the same

And as a hell of a lot of people will tend to either tell someone upfront if theyre doing it, or once they meet someone where they would like to see where it goes they will stop doing so

Which means by doing it without saying a word they can get the ego boost of having a string of people in a holding pattern whilst they work their way through a few more before deciding if ANY of them are worth any more time and without having to worry too much that the bunch of patsies are also out seeing other people

It really does come across as a bit of an ego driven exercise in control and maybe a bit of a power trip

And is hardly so trivial it DOESNT need mentioning BEFORE meeting really so that a person knows in advance the type of person theyre considering meeting

After all, if its not a big deal why not mention it before arranging to meet rather than let someone who might have problem with that sort of thing not have to waste their time? Or even pop in on your profile so people who dont like the idea of it, or wouldnt want to meet someone who is ok with it can avoid wasting any of their time?

The fact it is hidden and by some wouldnt even get a straight answer if they asked directly kind of says it all really.


And going back to one (well maybe DOZENS) of other threads on this place, would kind of make me curious if they go dutch or are conventiently "traditional" in that the bloke always buys dinner lol

But if course that couldnt possibly have anything to do with wanting to see several men at a time I'm sure :)
 kinley68
Joined: 8/4/2011
Msg: 49
Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/23/2011 6:24:11 PM
If you are not married, you are single. The only obligations you have to someone you are seeing is to be honest with them, be responsible with their feelings for you and try your best to not hurt them unecessarily. Conducting yourself this way in a relationship takes a lot of maturity and most people are unable to do it. I've always wondered why cheating would even be an issue between two people who have no legal committment to each other. You are free to do what you want, just be honest and sensative to the other person's feelings.
 kenny1979
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 50
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Being honest about dating
Posted: 9/23/2011 6:28:30 PM
You do want you want op

but as for me, I don't believe in seting up multiple dates with different people ........I'll go on a date with one, if I want to go out with her again......then I will only be going out with her, until we dicide to make it official, or we dicide that's it's not working out, then I'll look for another date......

I don't want to be thinking about date girl one, while on a date with girl 2 or thinking of what date girl 3 may be like etc etc......

I keep it simple
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