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 KreweOf2
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 26
Lost and ConfusedPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
***News Flash***


Things aren't "goin pretty good so far" if you're digging around in her phone.

I'd say you found exactly what you deserved to find
 KreweOf2
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 27
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/20/2011 2:18:14 PM

Its not that I dont trust her
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 28
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/20/2011 5:56:20 PM
Time for the 2 of you to have a conversation. I would ask her in a non confrontational way. You don't want her to beome defensive or argumentative. This isn't a good sign, it's rather sneaky of her to be doing this, & it may lead to her cheating on you. Have you had the talk, are you exclusive w/her?
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 29
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/20/2011 6:03:33 PM
The situation reminds me of a former co worker who worked the afternoon shift. After he left for work she cheated on him repeatedly. You don't want to talk to her about it b/c you are afraid of hearing the truth & losing her. She shouldn't be maintaining a relationship w/an ex. No good is going to come of that. This is going to go from bad to worse for you b/c you don't want to face the situation by talking to her, Prepare yourself, ths isn't going to last, be ready to move on.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 30
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Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/20/2011 7:15:28 PM
If it makes you feel better here use this to justify (in your mind) your actions

"Cheaters are like monkey's,they never let go of one branch until they have a grip on another"

Enjoy your self made quandary.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 31
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Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/20/2011 8:06:44 PM
Two things leap to mind:

1. The calls themselves might be innocent EXCEPT that you say they occur after you go to work; that strongly suggests that something is happening that she doesn't want you to know about.

2. You clearly did not trust her enough to respect her privacy.

Separately, they tell me the two of you have issues that wave huge red flags. Combined, they are virtually guaranteed to lead to a nasty breakup argument, probably soon. If I were you I'd end it now, as civilly as possible, unless she leaves you first.
 Riderboxer
Joined: 2/25/2011
Msg: 32
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Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/20/2011 8:26:03 PM
Well I asked her over dinner with this simple question, "Have you talked with any guys lately?" She mentioned she briefly asked her ex in a text how his nephews were. No problem there. So I said "is he the only one?" She then told me how the guy she "dated" drunk called her the other day and asked her why she isnt over there on top of his c0cke. He then hung up on her and called her back and told her that she is suppose to call him back when he hangs up. She said this occured about 4 times and this was all that was discussed. All calls lasted about a minute.

I asked her why she didnt feel the need to tell me and she said she didnt think it was a big deal. So long story short she wound up crying and getting defensive that I asked and I had to leave the whole situation standing so I could go to work.
 bds1976
Joined: 8/22/2011
Msg: 33
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/20/2011 8:43:34 PM
I talk with quite a few of my ex's quite a bit. It's only ever caused issues once. They are ex's for a reason.
 Riderboxer
Joined: 2/25/2011
Msg: 34
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Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/20/2011 8:50:44 PM
I say ex kinda loosly. They werent actually together. She said they kinda were but they werent. Which I took that as we slept together but nothing was official. Not that any of this matters,it still pisses me off.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 35
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Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/20/2011 9:23:09 PM
It is that you don't trust her. Otherwise, you wouldn't have snooped through her phone. You might as well just break up with her now, since the trust is gone.

Oh, and the old "If you're innocent you should have nothing to hide" is a lame excuse for the worst kinds of invasions of privacy throughout history.
 michelle51canada
Joined: 9/16/2011
Msg: 36
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/20/2011 9:29:02 PM
get rid of her now..she is only going to hurt you more.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 37
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Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 7:25:17 AM
Think about this real hard. Some people are very insecure and jealous. Most people I know my age (50) and my daughters age (26) have male friends. So that is a big age gap to prove a point.

I am friends with my ex and his wife, and every now and then I have to call him or her for something. I also have male friends from high school (not dated any of them), but I have a few friends that I met and it just didn’t work out, that once awhile they will call me or I will call them on a snowy rainy day just to see how they’re doing (they are single, but dating, and no girlfriends (that I know about), or wives. My daughters got all kinds of male friends, not dated and only one is an ex.

I talk to a couple of male friends that I used to date that it didn’t work out, but we remained friends, as semi- stated above.

The point I’m trying to make is a lot of women have told their men in their life that they have male friends, and it causes fights out of jealousy and mistrust.

Now, let me tell you any man that I am talking to when I’m in a relationship or not doesn’t mean I’m banging them when my “boyfriend” isn’t around, but I’m not saying people don’t do this, I’m just not one of them, and either are my friends that I know, including my daughter.

However, I’m honest about it straight up in the beginning, and it seems to be ok until some time down the road until my phone will ring and it will be one of my male friends calling, and if I turn to say to my “boyfriend” it’s just my friend, they always go crazy.

Now, first off I don’t think anybody should lie, but neither do I believe that when “dating” someone, that person has any right to pick up another’s phone, or start asking them every time “who was that?”. Now lets say that a person is no longer just dating, but is now into a relationship(boyfriend and girlfriend), now the situation changes.

Ok, so now that person has to tell all their friends that they aren’t allowed to call them anymore because their boyfriend or girlfriend can’t handle me having male or female friends.

That hurts a lot of people, and how selfish is this to tell your friends to bugger off just because you are now in love and you can‘t talk to them anymore? Something is not right about that picture!

Now lets say you do this get rid of all your friends male and female for the new person in your life. Ok, now into one to four years this relationship doesn’t work out, and there was never even the possibility of marrying this boyfriend or girlfriend (no engagement rings exchanged), so you now lost all your friends for someone that you didn’t end up with!

Just think about this!
Ok, now Lost and Confused want’s his new girlfriend to give up her friends.

I don’t know if I would, and if he couldn’t handle any of my friends calling me at the beginning of my relationship with him, I’d tell him to go whistle up a tree!

Besides, I would never have the heart to tell any of the people I care about and have cared about me, and have been in my life to bugger off for a six month stranger! Six month stranger meaning, it takes six months to one year to really know a person, and how they interact in daily life with others, and yourself.

So, Lost and Confused, you are right, you are very lost and confused, and need to grow up! Six months and you're like this, I would kick your @$$ to the curb!

I will take that back if your dating a type of person who is lying to you and sleeping with all her friends, then my question to you is what the hell are you doing dating a slut, if you’re not a slut yourself?

One last thing I would like to add is this, a person's past is important, but as long as that person is a good person, and lead a decent life their past should be no concern to another peson unless it's a life and death situation. Other than that, the past is the past, and people should NOT hold people to a gun for it! It's just immature to bring up the past when the past is over. People that do this are just not wrapped tight, sorry.

Take Care, and thanks for reading.
Cheers!
 Possessions
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 38
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 7:40:53 AM
What is it with you people who snoop through your partner's phone? I don't get that. It could be purely innocent but no, you had to snoop and now your mind is wandering all sorts of places.

Let this be a lesson to you, don't snoop through your girlfriend's phone. blah.
 uncfan3
Joined: 9/16/2011
Msg: 39
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 7:53:11 AM
If you don't have trust, you have nothing. When you looked through her phone the relationship was pretty much over. Good luck on the next one!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 40
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 8:04:46 AM

I didnt even have a reason to check the phone.

Oh, so you are just insecure, suspicious, controlling by nature?

I agree, if the woman you are seeing was at all devious or underhanded, she would either keep her phone out of your reach, keep it password- locked, or password-lock the phone book, call logs, saved texts.

I think that you have now done irreparable damage to the fabric of this relationship, even if you never say a word to her about finding her ex's # in her call logs-because now you have aggravated your own insecurity issues-which I think that you need to deal with. Why do you have so little respect for the privacy of the person you are dating? Even with your "open book" claim, I have to ask, why do YOU have such low personal boundaries? It's not even about "having something to hide", it's about respect for ones' partner and ONESELF.
Cindy O
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 41
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Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 8:15:55 AM
My ex used the password lock on her phone. If I asked about a phone call or text, I usually got the same two answers: None of your business or do you pay this phone bill? Always defensive. That definitely crosses the line from privacy to secrecy.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 42
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Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 8:19:41 AM
Hey cooldog.

She probably did that because she knew you were snooping on her phone. I would of done that same thing, it might not have anything to do with "secrecy", it's the principle of the thing, it was none of your business, you weren't paying the bill, and you were going through her phone like a rat! Don't hate me for saying so! No wonder why you're an EX!
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 43
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Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 8:42:11 AM
There was no mention of snooping. I said I asked about phone call or text she received in my presence. Her lying and cheating is why she's an ex. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior, in general. I was contributing to the thread. I don't hate you because I do not have a reason. All of us have different opinions and perspectives. Some people believe in secrecy, I believe in transparency, honesty, and integrity. Were you hoping to accomplish something significant with your post?
 coastalmermaid
Joined: 1/23/2011
Msg: 44
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 8:46:41 AM
So you purposely and without any just cause invaded the personal privacy of someone you supposed loved, or at least cared for enough to have a 'relationship' with? So you don't 'allow' your girlfriends to have male friends?

Maybe you need to learn a little about personal boundries? Why couldn't you just man up and actually have a grown up conversation about how SHE thinks your "relationship" is going???

I would have kicked you to the curb as soon as you revealed your complete lack of trust and sleazy behavior because I'd be sure that would just be the start of it.
 libra_summer
Joined: 7/14/2011
Msg: 45
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 9:13:35 AM
Wow, good idea Riderboxer, leave the whole situation standing because you had to “go to work”. Obviously you’re not very good at timing these conversations; either that or you’re not very good at dealing with emotions or both. I mean you’re definitely showing everyone here that you’re not able to deal with this situation like a rational adult.


No it doesnt matter who im with,I feel I still woulda went through the phone. I understand you guys are telling me I shouldnt have,but I did and now im in this shape. I wouldnt call any of it a gut instinct. I didnt even have a reason to check the phone.


Yea, I wouldn't call it a gut instinct either, controlling, weaselly, adolescent perhaps, but it's definitely not a gut instinct.

I mean I don’t know if you’re aware of this but it’s not the guy’s on here who approve of your actions that you should be listening to! First, they’re a minority of the respondents, and second they’re just showing everyone that they’re equally insecure, suspicious and have equally low impulse control.

About the dinner conversation and her phone calls you found:


I asked her why she didnt feel the need to tell me and she said she didnt think it was a big deal. So long story short she wound up crying and getting defensive that I asked and I had to leave the whole situation standing


Well, I hate to point this out to you but you’ve definitely made her aware of your suspicious nature, if she had half a brain she’d do everything possible to avoid having a second confrontation with it because I’m sure she realizes by now that your incapable of handling it. I mean in light of what you say she told you about the phone calls, it sounds like she might be the victim here. Of course I'm only saying this based on your description of what took place.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 46
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 9:46:56 AM
She said this occured about 4 times and this was all that was discussed. All calls lasted about a minute.

Except you know that's a lie because one call alone was 8 minutes long.

Funny how the ex knows ONLY to call after you've left for work. Golly, what a coincidence, don'tcha think?

Now that you've brought up her talking/texting other guys, she'll become a little more diligent at hiding her activity, making it much harder for you to find.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 47
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 9:58:39 AM

I asked her why she didnt feel the need to tell me and she said she didnt think it was a big deal.

I've noticed that anytime something is a big deal, the most common excuse for not telling me is that the person didn't think it was a big deal. I think it would be rather odd to not consider that a big deal, when she probably does tell you a lot of things that are much leass of a big deal just as idle chit-chat.

So long story short she wound up crying and getting defensive that I asked

The fact that you ever needed to deal with an ex is a bad sign. Not only should she not be getting defensive, she should have never been in contact with any of them. I still say dump her. She doesn't seem like a very honest person and as has already been mentioned, the fact that the ex only calls and she only talks to him when you're not there seems a little too convenient unless he's clairvoyant. In the future, be completely transparent and only date women who are willing to be completely transparent.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 48
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 10:16:47 AM
If I found out that my b/f went through my phone and invaded my privacy, I would drop him and I would not even bother answering his questions. It's just soo sneaky.


I feel the same way. My ex husband snooped through my journal and then proceeded to use my feelings against me. It was one of his favorite MOs.

It’s interesting to me that some think it’s okay, while saying something about having nothing to hide. It’s not about hiding anything…it’s about respecting your boyfriend/girlfriend’s privacy, and trust. To me, trust does not flip around to mean snoop through anything of mine you want. Trust works both ways, or it isn’t working at all.
 KreweOf2
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 49
Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 10:25:56 AM
I smell a control freak
 Devilsfan58
Joined: 3/19/2009
Msg: 50
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Lost and Confused
Posted: 9/21/2011 10:35:01 AM
I am always amazed that a lot of people had no problem with Rhiana going through Chris Browns phone and it was okay but when it was or is somebody else the man is always wrong...snooping or call it whatever you want or like and the woman feins innocence. The only differene is...reflecting back to all of the scary movie series...The difference between knowing and not is the police report that outlines the lover triangle shooting and loss of life that starts on the local news usually around 10 or 11pm on your local news. As I have been taught trust but verify and always for your own protection.

Que dangerous movie music here...Cha...Cha..Cha
Watch scary movie character with white mask shake head and run away here.

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