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Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 9
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Gay but ConfusedPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)

But no modern woman is going to overlook the fact that her husband is gay unless he comes with a very large trust fund and no prenup.

Overlook? What is there to overlook?

If he comes out then of course the marriage is over. The two ideas are interlinked. Thus if he does come out, what she thinks about it, is not really the concern... they are not together.

I am not downplaying how shitty it is for a women to find out their husband is gay! Nor should be dismiss how shitty it is how a large portion of the World treats the gay community! It is a sucky situation however you look at it.

At the end of the day,month,year... it will work out best for him AND her for him to come out and for them to separate. A lie is being lived. I can't imagine there is much passion and romance right now, and that is not good for either...or for the kids...

Her overlooking the fact he is gay would only matter if they were trying to 'save the marriage' after he comes out. Would you want to?

FYI I am speaking hypothetically as I believe you were. The OP is not married w/kids I don't think.
Joined: 6/29/2011
Msg: 11
Gay but Confused
Posted: 9/26/2011 1:11:01 AM
Social acceptance? I wouldn't worry about being accepted by modern society.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 12
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Gay but Confused
Posted: 9/26/2011 7:14:38 AM
you are 30 years old and live in north America, time to man up and admit who you are. You can marry, have kids and get whatever lifestyle you want.
Will you get 100% acceptance from all your family? Probably not, but living a lie is not the answer.
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 13
Gay but Confused
Posted: 9/26/2011 7:25:03 AM

The problem that arises for me is that i am not yet comfortable with gay life, i am very attacted to heterosexual way of life. they have more freedom and social acceptance.

One thing I've discovered is that if you do something that is outside the norm, you don't try to hide it AND don't make apologies for it, in general, people will still respect you. It's only when you try to hide what you are or do, you are afraid of people finding out or you are defensive, that you give others a way to get under your skin. I'm not suggesting you go out of your way to broadcast anything. I'm only suggesting that should some issuie arise because of being gay, you just treat it with an attitude of, ``So what?''
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 14
Gay but Confused
Posted: 9/26/2011 7:52:47 AM
if you have a boyfriend who is so amazing, then why are you trolling for another one on POF? seems to me you've got more things to work out than your sexuality; things like INTEGRITY, which will ultimately be more important to any relationship you'll ever have regardless of the gender of your chosen partner.

The problem that arises for me is that i am not yet comfortable with gay life, i am very attacted to heterosexual way of life. they have more freedom and social acceptance.

you seem to be saying that your real issue is one of acceptance, and that's the primary thing that you believe is attractive about being heterosexual. i'll say this about that.... if you can't accept that other people might not be able to accept you for who you are, then you probably haven't yet fully accepted yourself for who you are.

anyway, there is no question anymore of social acceptance for gay people. even the military now accepts those who are openly gay. your friends and family are a separate issue. there is no guarantee they will be so openly accepting, and you seem to be anticipating that they will be disturbed by the news. i don't know if that's because you've spent so many years hiding the fact and/or because they have some really negative attitudes about homosexuality. you can always get better friends, but you are stuck your family of course.

i am sure there are plenty of websites and books that describe the coming out experience and can give you some perspective on the issues you might face and how best to deal with them. if you can anticipate a worst-case scenario with your family and have some strategy for dealing with it ahead of time, then at least you will be mentally prepared and your family will be the only ones in the room who are shocked. again i think your biggest issue is one of integrity. if you are going to be gay, then OWN it. it's your life, man. and you're the only one who can live it.
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 15
Gay but Confused
Posted: 9/26/2011 10:38:47 AM

lots of hetero people are not accepted into 'every' segment of is 'accepted' everywhere..cops & bikers often don't mix well, hippies & military, etc., etc.

the OP is accepted probably fairly well in the 'gay community'..or would be if he was 'out'

wondering if part of it is family disapproval, which in many cases leads to them leaving the gay son out of the Will, etc.

maybe it's really a money/inheritance issue/worry?
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 16
Gay but Confused
Posted: 9/26/2011 4:55:35 PM
Be gay,
Live Hetero

By that I mean live your life as you see fit and are comfortable with.
what we do sexually should be LAST on the list of who we are.
Might as well label folks by if they masturbate left handed or right handed.
That would be equally silly.

People you feel need to know you can tell.
It is not the business of every one else unimportant to you.

As to family, perhaps if they are focused on you marrying....
then mention it if it wouldn't cause too much grief.
If you think it would, no need to.
Not causing grief to those we love is always a higher virtue.

No easy answers.
Ask your boyfriend what he thinks.
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 17
Gay but Confused
Posted: 9/26/2011 10:02:52 PM
Stay true to yourself or you will never be happy... Seek out counseling with a professional who deals specifically with family issues and have an honest and frank discussion with your loved ones in session so the family can hear where your views and feeling are with a mediator... They will in time come to accept you and then u can find joy in sharinyour so with your family
Joined: 7/19/2011
Msg: 23
Gay but Confused
Posted: 10/1/2011 6:10:57 PM
Whatever you do within your own personal space is up to you. I would suggest being honest and upfront about who you are. Family will eventually accept it. Friends who care about you will stay, those who don't aren't worth having around anyway.

PLEASE do not involve a woman in your life as a "cover". It's not fair to her, or any children that may arrive. I speak from experience here. Too many gay and asexual men marry women just to have a cover and to 'fit in' socially, or hide their real identities from other family. It's NOT FAIR to anyone else you get involved with unless they know every detail up front and for some reason agree with whatever lifestyle you would have.

This is YOUR life, no one elses. No one has a right to judge you or tell you how to live or be happy, so be yourself.
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 26
Gay but Confused
Posted: 10/1/2011 8:50:57 PM
Be proud of who you are. Your sexual orientation does not define you.
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 27
Gay but Confused
Posted: 10/2/2011 5:58:35 PM
It's always easier to take the path of least resistance. Yes, society is a lot easier on heteros. But if you sell out who you are, trust me... your life will NOT be easier. Let's say you had a "normal" life. You're married, have kids, house in the burbs... picture perfect according to social mores. You won't be happy. You will end up cheating so that you can satisfy who you really are and hurt yourself, your wife AND your kids. Just be who are you and you have a much better chance at happiness. You can still have the house in the burbs with your partner. You can still have kids and still raise them in a loving and HONEST home. And if you love your boyfriend and want to keep him, you might think about how keeping him a secret might make him feel. I dated a girl where I was her "dirty little secret" for two months too long. I felt dirty and unhappy. Embrace who you are and be happy in that. You will feel so much better in the long run. Good luck! Coming out is never easy.
Joined: 9/3/2011
Msg: 28
Gay but Confused
Posted: 10/2/2011 6:08:17 PM
Your 30 and you havent told your family who you are, wait any longer and it may lead to a negative situation with your family. All you can do is tell them and hope that they accept you for who you are. There are way to create a family feel with out including a woman ie (adoption, big brother programs). Hopefuly this helps.
Joined: 9/2/2007
Msg: 29
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Gay but Confused
Posted: 10/5/2011 11:48:42 PM
I'm seeing a lot of advice that SOUNDS easy and logical mostly coming from Straight people who will never understand fully what you are going through, or women, who frankly, don't have quite the same problems as men have coming out about their sexuality. I'm not trying to be critical or insulting, but this kind of advice is best seeked from people that have experienced or are experiencing similar problems, not from privileged positions.
I am a 32 year old who was born and raised in a small Podunk town, the dirty little ass-hole of Ontario if you will.
Coming out was a big deal, my mother never took it well, and I was not fully out when my dad passed away, may grandma is cool with it, but she's a brit so that doesn't really count There is some true and valid advice here, If they won't or can't accept you for who you are, you don't need them in your life. That's easy for me to say because yes, as a Canadian I am protected from discrimination based off of sexual orientation, so this probably does not affect me in many important ways such as career and social activities. My biggest help was having a friend that came out before me, and perhaps having one to come out with is also helpful (also my friend that came out was nearly 6 feet tall, about 220 lbs in grade 7 and had a black belt in shodokan...) I would suggest coming out to people you trust and maintain that reason for trust. Be open about it, and willing to engage in conversations about it. One of my religious friends used to pray for me every night for me to find the right woman. We talked about that, and he honestly thought he was doing me right. I explained how I felt it would be like me "praying" for him to find a nice man to settle down with, and just like he is happy with his heterosexuality, I am happy with my homosexuality. We have known each other since grade 3 and we have never been closer friends. One final piece of advice I can give for now (since it's 3 am and I just got off work) realize that words only have power because you give them power, it sounds cheesy, I know, but it has helped me out. Someone calls me a faggot I say "yes, yes I am" doing so makes their words meaningless, in other words... They got nothing.... Same goes for in friendly "jabs" another friend of mine used to say "still gay?" whenever we would talk, that's how we would start out our conversations, eventually one day I said "yep, still straight?" we joke about it still to this day, but they are just that... jokes, don't create hostility where none is intended. I hope this has been helpful in some way or another cause that was a lot of typing
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 30
Gay but Confused
Posted: 10/6/2011 1:31:37 AM

Be gay,
Live Hetero

By that I mean live your life as you see fit and are comfortable with.
what we do sexually should be LAST on the list of who we are.
Might as well label folks by if they masturbate left handed or right handed.
That would be equally silly.

People you feel need to know you can tell.
It is not the business of every one else unimportant to you.

As to family, perhaps if they are focused on you marrying....
then mention it if it wouldn't cause too much grief.
If you think it would, no need to.
Not causing grief to those we love is always a higher virtue.~stray cat, msg 18

I agree with this OP; no need to hide who you are but sexual orientation is your business. It is not like you have to wear a big H on the front of your shirt. I have gay friends who never discuss the fact that they are gay and others who speak with me about it.
Your choice.
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 32
Gay but Confused
Posted: 10/8/2011 7:58:12 PM
Hi, I can sympathize with your feelings, as I am gay too and my family doesn't accept me. My parents are devoutly religious and conservative, and my father keeps pushing reparative therapy on me. I refuse to go through with it. It has been about 10 years since they found out, and they don't seem to be coming around...but I am more relieved that it is done and over with -- and that I'm not lying anymore.

I know coming out is not easy... I'm still not done yet myself. It can be a painful process if your family reacts poorly. But considering the fact that you are 30 and on your own (I'm assuming), then you don't have to worry about them continuing to financially support you, which is one small silver lining in this situation.

You mention that you are not sure how they will react. Well, there's only one way to find out...I recommend starting with the family member that you believe will react the best. Bring it up when that family member talks about finding you a woman so the conversation can initiated more easily. If you aren't sure whether or not any of them will be accepting, you can just bring it up the next time they ask you about finding a woman. You've got to do this eventually, as your current boyfriend or future boyfriend probably won't want to be referred to as your "roommate" forever. He might not want to go to separate Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations either...these types of things are things you should consider. If your family is not comfortable with the idea of you having a boyfriend, then if your boyfriend's family is, you can spend your time with his family. That's what I've done in my relationships.

Now, your sexual orientation doesn't make you that much different than your heterosexual neighbors. The right-wing religious nuts (like my own father) want us to believe this is the case, but it's not. I know you prefer children of your own... but since you state that it would be difficult to achieve that with the current methods and that you aren't very willing to adopt children in foster care (mind you, they need good homes), you are just going to have to accept this. Don't try to get married to a woman and have children with her if you know you are gay. That will end up a disaster (most likely divorce) and potentially a messy custody battle. However, know that it is possible to achieve some of the things you desire and still be a gay man. You will be so much more unhappy than you feel now if you put all your energy into achieving the "norm". Your energy is much better spent becoming comfortable with who you are.

Things are changing in society. More states are legalizing gay marriage and more people have woken up to the reality that you can't change this through therapy or prayer. You can be a part of this change by not allowing people to make you feel bad for who you are. If you didn't and decided to deny yourself, you would be allowing the dominant culture to deprive you of what you want and deserve (marriage and children with a man, that is) by allowing them to scare you into being what it wants you to be. I recommend taking the former route.

I do hope this helps you!
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 35
Gay but Confused
Posted: 10/25/2011 2:01:19 AM
I don't have personal experience with your troubles, but I will relay my observations of two friends my age who came out in their late twenties.

One man had an already-strained relationship with his Arab father who never accepted his sexuality.
Luckily, he had a strong personality and didn't need his father's acceptance to move on and live his life.
It also helped that he moved far enough away from his father to make semi-cordial visits impossible.
His mother is a lesbian.
The other man's family was from England. They have fully accepted him and his partner.

Both have found wonderful life partners. They wear wedding bands, but don't know if they were/are legally married.
Both live in cities with reputations for being gay-friendly: Long Beach, CA and San Jose, CA. I think city choice has a profound effect on the overall quality of life.
I'm not sure about their finances in relation to children, but one couple adopted a child and the other had two surrogate children.
They are, by all accounts, happily living their lives as married, working parents.
I'm not around all of the time to see any troubles they encounter with their "gay" lifestyle.
Either they never discuss their troubles openly, or they simply live their lives the same as heteros.

I've received Christmas cards from both with family portraits and annual updates...just like my hetero friends.

I don't look at the hetero lifestyle as being different.
We all want to love and be loved.
I do think you can live in cities and work in industries that treat homosexuality as a non-issue.

Good luck!
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 36
Gay but Confused
Posted: 10/25/2011 9:36:05 AM
You don't seem the least bit confused. You sound crystal clear to me. You know you're a gay man; you have no question about your sexuality per se. You have an amazing boyfriend. You know being a gay man isn't easy in a "hetero world."

Are you not comfortable with "the gay life," or are you uncomfortable and deeply saddened that your family thinks you're hetero or wants you to be when you're not?
Or are you saddened too that we still live in a society that, by and large, only sanctions a certain freedom and acceptance to heteros?

You can still have many of the same freedoms heteros have, and though it might not come as easily, you MUST be who you are if you're going to be happy in life. You can get married in some states and you can have a family. You can be very happy!

Your family is looking for a girl for you, but don't be surprised if you ultimately learn they knew you were gay all along, but were in denial about it. Whatever the case, you cannot pretend to be hetero if you're not (for anyone!) without killing your Spirit. You are who you are, and hopefully when you're ready to have a conversation with your family they will continue to love you, for who you really are in your totality.

If not, that would be so very sad yet I'm sure you will be able to make a life for yourself, with or without them. All the best to you, and just remember, a sure way to make yourself miserable is to try to live up to someone else's expectations of who you "should" be. You deserve to be happy, like everyone else. Be Who You Are!
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 38
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Gay but Confused
Posted: 9/25/2012 4:09:59 PM
I hear people use the term "gay life style" but there is no such thing. How is gay life style different than straight life style? Your sexual orientation does not make up a life style.
Plursty spelled out my thoughts.

IMO, the heterosexual lifestyle is no different than the homosexual lifestyle...everyone has the same basic needs... eat, sleep, poop, phuck, ooohhh, and have a roof over their heads (can't forget that)...I'm curious, how do you see being heterosexual as a different attractive lifestyle than that of a homosexual lifestyle??

OP, if you choose to continue a pretend life you will never fully belong to either world. Eventually no one will want to date you. You do know that closet gays are frowned upon in our society, don’t you? I hope you will sort it out in a way where you can be proud of who you are and live your life in a way that brings out the best in you.
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 39
Gay but Confused
Posted: 9/25/2012 9:44:31 PM
I would say the issue is not that you are not comfortable with gay life, it's that you are not comfortable with people's judgments and living outside the norm. you really have to examine what is making you uneasy and why. you like what you like and you got to live your own life. why do you say heterosexuals have more freedom? are you referring to marriage?

ps. you're not attracted to heterosexual life, you are attracted to fitting in and not rocking the boat. why is it so important that strangers accept you and your lifestyle? do you want to be miserable your whole life because people who don't matter have their own hangups? just some questions to ask yourself :)
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