Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 aboutgettingby
Joined: 2/18/2011
Msg: 26
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I rarely drink, I know I wouldn't care if someone I was with was drinking. If you get it out of your system it is no big deal. Now if social drinking is four+ beers or drinks etc. then that would make a difference because you would be noticably impacted by the alcohol.
 1tf84
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 27
view profile
History
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/28/2011 10:45:11 AM
So I offered to take our relationship to the next level, ie. committed, monogamous, give each other our full attention type relationship. Which is normally what every woman wants and men try to avoid right? Well, she said she's not ready and is waiting for God to tell her I'm the right one for her...and she wants to stay active in several Singles groups she belongs to etc. We've been dating for five months. My response has been "fish or cut bait". If you can't make up your mind by now, more time is not the answer and so I've moved on. I understand children of alcoholics have committment issues and attachment issues and clearly she is a classic example of this. The God thing was the final straw for me.
I went through a similar situation a few years ago where I dated a woman for about a year and then we were engaged for another two and half years before I reached this point of "fish or cut bait". She loved being engaged but couldn't quite walk down the aisle. At least this time I figured it out in only five months vs. 3 1/2 years! I thought she was keeper, but on closer inspection I have to release her back into the pond and rebait my hook!
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 28
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/28/2011 10:51:44 AM
I no longer drink alcohol due to a liver transplant (NOT caused from alcohol). I realize people do drink, and I'm OK with social drinking. Although I'll tell you, most people are weirded out if I'm not drinking and they are. I've even had a couple of guys tell me they'd date me if I could drink ... it made them that uncomfortable.

So my advice to you is that if she says she's OK with you drinking socially, take her at her word. It truly doesn't bother me to be in a bar where people are drinking, but I won't get involved with anyone who does it on a daily basis.

Good luck.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 29
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/28/2011 11:06:40 AM
^^ OP, thanks for giving us an update.
Seems I was right:
I just wonder if we could ever have a healthy happy long term relationship, after all, she has some pretty heavy stuff in her past she is carrying with her that never really goes away.

To which I replied..
THIS part is what can and usually does mess up a current relationship.
Not whether or not it would be alright for you to have a drink now and then when out with her.
 getanet
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 30
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/28/2011 11:50:40 AM
OP: Grew up in a family of alcoholics

Yeah, lots of people have.


I understand children of alcoholics have committment issues and attachment issues and clearly she is a classic example of this. The God thing was the final straw for me.

The God thing was just her not thinking you are the right one for her and taking the easy way out.

I went through a similar situation a few years ago where I dated a woman for about a year and then we were engaged for another two and half years before I reached this point of "fish or cut bait"


Wait...WHO is exhibiting WHAT behavior here?? "My way or the highway" is CLASSIC alcoholic line of thinking.


Yeah, you weren't a match. And its NOT all on her, I have news for ya...
It's funny your "date" examples were all in venues where drinking goes on. It must have some importance in your life if its often present and those venues are where you find yourself.
 pretzelman60
Joined: 9/27/2011
Msg: 31
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/28/2011 3:03:21 PM
Run and Run fast. I won't go into detail about my experiences. But I was married to an alchoholic, I am now single. Life is good, again!


JMO
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 32
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/28/2011 3:11:08 PM

she said she's not ready and is waiting for God to tell her I'm the right one for her


I'd say alcoholism wasn't her biggest issue.

 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 33
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/28/2011 3:43:22 PM
Every Alcoholic is a bit different. NO ONE can tell if she is gonna drink or not ever again, and the time "sober" isn't relative. May seem like it to the naked eye, but it ain't. An alcoholic, is an alcoholic till the day they die.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 34
view profile
History
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/28/2011 7:36:06 PM
I had an experience, genders reversed. It's wasn't at all involved, and there was no romantic interest.

I do know this, for sure, if any person expects the other to alter their regular or normal behavior...ehh...it'll eventually lead to resentment and without exception for all the people I've known or talked to, the death knoll for the end of the relationship.

Here's the deal, we meet people who have lives, experiences, relationships, for both. It really comes down to, whether both are adding TO the other's lives, while accepting, at least, don't have to support, but don't alienate or give an ultimatum.

It's about whether you can accept, if having a social drink is something that doesn't mean that much, I drink socially. If it's important I CAN take it or leave it, there are times when a brandy or a glass of wine is something I'd enjoy and be able to do so responsibly.

Bottom line, I think it's more than the enjoyment of an occasional****ail, it appears to be an insecurity that there may be a situation when you'll be blamed for her "falling off the wagon". Seriously, if you trust she's dry, then you have to ask yourself if you ordering a glass of wine for dinner should be an issue. If she's that controlling, then it's not about YOU at all, and she's not that "recovered" an alcoholic.
 JLarsson
Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 35
view profile
History
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/28/2011 9:31:48 PM
quit drinking, or don't bother her IMO.
 bodypro88
Joined: 10/15/2011
Msg: 36
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/28/2011 10:20:57 PM
You're asking strangers on the internet about this? Don't you have any friends or people you trust? I mean because certain issues are like a revolving door on these forums and I have heard just about everything most people are saying here before. Are they right or wrong? They are speaking out of their own experience and perceptions, so no they can't be wrong.

Some of my friends smoke pot. They drink. They do both. And sometimes I'm around it, if, say, I want catch a fight that the one guy is streaming. I'll bring half a dozen beer to piece him off and that's it. I don't have cravings ever. I just left a two year relationship. If she wanted to drink I wouldn't care but she just wasn't a drinker. I don't recall her drinking once. People that smoke pot...pot isn't harmless but never mind for now.

I go in bars occasionally to eat pub food with a friend. By happenstance I'm around substances I used to abuse but I don't hang around crack houses obviously. Besides which I'm not inclined to see people destroying themselves. I'm responsible for my own sobriety. Therefor I make it work for me. Get this: I made the choice to stop. I made the choice to start also. But children aren't known for making wise choices if left to their own devices.

Some guy said, I think he wrote that people that are damaged by others addictions have no support. Of course they do, what's al anon?

I took my first cake and I never took another. After about 15 months I drifted away from AA but I stayed out of trouble, no drugs, and no drinking.

Was I a dry drunk? I don't even give a care. If you have enough time on your hands to take my inventory then maybe you should go bake a f**king cake.

I started to attend AA meetings recently. It' s not about drinking or drugs, I'm just looking for some structure and I am preparing a support net for when my father dies because I will be all alone. It's free. There are things I don't much like about AA but that is not a requirement for membership. AA says that you should reach out the hand of fellowship to others who suffer. But I'm not there. You don't want me as a sponsor. Don't cry to me. You wanna do that stuff, leave me out of it. That's why I was able to stop. THE WORLD DOESN'T CARE. You all might take that the wrong way. If I was intent on destroying myself, well, that's sad. But the world goes on. I thought about what did I want. I didn't want to end up on the street and it was there right in my face.

Just go downtown, to Hastings at Main.

January 21, 2012 gives me eight years. I don't know if one drink would put me in the gutter, but I don't intend to find out. I just have no desire. As far as being damaged goods, I really don't look at life and people that way.
 fit2date
Joined: 9/18/2009
Msg: 37
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/28/2011 10:34:21 PM
Do you need to drink alcohol, or do you just need to drink alcohol when you are around her? You being a drinker may not be good for her in the long run, especially if you drink "socially" on a regular basis. If you were a stranger or an acquaintance she may not notice.
I don't care what you say, she will always notice the beer YOU are drinking.
 tigerspawn
Joined: 8/9/2011
Msg: 38
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/29/2011 12:02:00 AM
Its difficult for anyone that has quit an activity to be around that activity. Lets say that you decided to stop having sex. Now your buddy takes you to a whore house because he wants to get laid. Whats the likely hood that your going to remain celibate? Most people that quit an addiction end up getting new friends because its to difficult to be around those friends who continue the addiction. She says shes ok with it but is it fair to her that you put her in that situation?
 thescorpion63
Joined: 6/29/2011
Msg: 39
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/29/2011 10:50:06 AM
Let me ask you something if you like superman would you bring cryptonite around him?So why would you bring alchohol around her if you care about her.You can drink just not around her, she has an incurable disease 11 years 16 or 41 years sober as long as it is around her its a theat to her recovery going to aa meetings working a twelve step program is her only defense against relapse.But you can have an happy relationship because the program will adress other issues including the obvious symptom alcohol.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 40
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/29/2011 12:52:31 PM
I think people in the program should date others in the program. Just like single parents should date other single parents. The realities are sooooo different, it can put a huge strain on a relationship. The men in AA that i have dated either went to more than one meetings a week when we didn't have much time for one another and i felt left out and/or they expressed a feeling of "family" with those at the meetings. Add to that you feel self-conscious ever having a drink around them because so much of their life is about not drinking. Oy vey. Too much trouble for me, give me a guy that can enjoy a fine bottle of wine once a week with me followed by some great sex. Yeah!
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 41
view profile
History
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/30/2011 7:05:32 PM
"Let me ask you something if you like superman would you bring cryptonite around him?So why would you bring alchohol around her if you care about her."

Hardly a comparison, IMO. If someone's a social drinker, it implies a responsible drinker, also implied that they enjoy having a drink, wine...whatever. And it's nothing something that has interferred or caused a problem in their life situation or relationships.

Social drinkers don't "bring alcohol around someone", if you're dating someone, there's alcohol all around. Unless you never go out, there are few restaurants, that don't serve alcohol, unless the only time you go out is to get a Big Mac or Whopper...attend an event, office party, holiday party, you don't have to "bring it" it's just there. So if you were dating someone who couldn't be in he same room with others who are enjoying a drink.......well that eliminates most of your social engagements.

Bottom line is, when you're involved with someone to where, because of them, you are isolated from enjoying what you're used to being able to enjoy...or even be around...it's something I can take or leave, myself. If I could NOT because of someone else, it will eventually lead to resentment.

Successful, long term relationships are where the partners ADD to each other's full, involved lived. They integrate and mesh, once it involves SUBTRACTING, it's the death knoll.

Being able to enjoy a glass of wine, or a beer watching a football game or having pizza. It's not a big thing, but if I couldn't, I would feel I was denying an occasional pleasure.

There are people who have addictive personalities, so if they can successfully be cured of one addiction, they replace it with something else. I have and maintained a balanced life, so someone compatible with me would have the same.
 kanlai
Joined: 5/13/2009
Msg: 42
view profile
History
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 10/30/2011 7:28:53 PM
depends on how comfortable she is..
if she feels tempted watching you do it and she has to fight the urge, then I'd say stay away from it...
If she's at a point where it doesn't affect her, then drink
make sure she communicates and let you know if it starts to affect her...
 LauraLab1
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 43
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 6/20/2012 5:14:09 AM
I'm an alcoholic and I have been sober 20 years. It does not bother me when others drink around me. I'm secure in my sobriety and don't feel temptation to return to the bottle. My date can order a drink freely, without these concerns. Me? Soda or iced tea.

As for her past, we all have one. Sure, it's possible to have a healthy, happy relationship. I hope she goes to AA for the support she needs. Good luck.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 44
view profile
History
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 9/23/2012 7:01:40 PM

I wonder what effect kissing after drinking would have upon them.


This guy dancing with me have a lots of drinks and he'd put his face close to my face while we were dancing free style (none touching each other) and the smell of his breath gave me a headache, for I am alergic to alcohol,( I drink water in a bar. ) I 'll pass to kiss a BF in the mouth while he is drinking alcohol...
 darkfairycreature
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 45
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 9/24/2012 3:42:59 AM
yeah, you know, I think you need to trust her on this one. Plenty of good advice here, but at the end of the day this lady has figured out how to stay sober for 11 yrs - and I'm sure it wasn't by lying to dates about whether or not she can handle it. Trust her, after 11 yrs I'm sure she knows what she is doing, and I don't believe she would put her sobriety at risk for a new love interest. And whilst trusting her, relax. :)
 MeramecRiverRat
Joined: 10/12/2017
Msg: 46
view profile
History
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/3/2018 4:03:14 PM
Learned a new alcoholic code phrase this week: "Bill W". Already knew about "Is it 5 o'clock?"

Early in a conversation on Bumble, she said "I don't drink either" (that site now has a field for whether a user drinks: never, socially, often, or can be left blank. She didn't fill out any of her fields but saw mine). A message or two later, she asked, "Do you know Bill W?" When that happened, I thought it was unrelated to the earlier talk about not drinking, that she was asking if we had a mutual acquaintance. I said I couldn't think of anyone named Bill W. She said OK and the conversation moved to different subjects.

Things moved from the site to texting, then we spoke on the phone. Thought I would be asking her to meet during the phone call, but she was surprisingly rude and abrasive so I didn't feel like asking to meet. She eventually said she was getting another call so we ended the call. She texted that she wanted to talk on the phone again the next day.

In a text conversation the next day, I asked who Bill W was. She replied that she would explain later. She called that evening when she got home from work. I asked about Bill W, whereupon she revealed that she "was" an alcoholic and that people who are in AA or who have been in AA ask that to identify each other. People who don't drink are often suspected of being former alcoholics. That phone conversation ended when she said she was about to have her dinner. I didn't say anything about wanting to communicate with her in the future.

Next morning when I went on Bumble in response to a push notification on the site, she was gone from the conversations. Shrug. She was probably looking for a fellow alcoholic, a codependent enabler. Even if they're not currently drinking, they still have mood swings and bursts of rage / meanness. I deleted the text conversation as if I were disposing of a brown recluse walking across the phone screen.

In the future I'll know about "Bill W".
 Chastirin
Joined: 10/3/2018
Msg: 47
view profile
History
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/3/2018 6:14:47 PM
Thanks Meramec. That bit of information might be really useful to know if the same term is used in the UK. I'm not an ex-alcoholic either.
 mahwahgirl339114
Joined: 10/31/2017
Msg: 48
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/4/2018 2:52:06 PM
Lesson learned: your potential date can have the most bizarre assumptions. So, don't tell them much of anything until you meet in person, and know them pretty well.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 49
view profile
History
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/5/2018 4:38:08 PM
In this day and age, most people I know have had experience with at least one person with a serious drinking problem. Quite often a family member or close relative, but could be extended family / close friend / co-worker.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2017/08/11/study-one-in-eight-american-adults-are-alcoholics/?utm_term=.b5329320e2e0



A new study published in JAMA Psychiatry this month finds that the rate of alcohol use disorder, or what's colloquially known as “alcoholism,” rose by a shocking 49 percent in the first decade of the 2000s. One in eight American adults, or 12.7 percent of the U.S. population, now meets diagnostic criteria for alcohol use disorder, according to the study.


So, yes, I know who Bill W is. I have two family members who qualify, so I have studied this.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 50
view profile
History
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/5/2018 8:26:13 PM

She was probably looking for a fellow alcoholic, a codependent enabler. Even if they're not currently drinking, they still have mood swings and bursts of rage / meanness.
that is a fairly distorted and somewhat insulting view on those who quit drinking. a recovering alcoholic, some one who has successfully quit drinking doesn't need a codependent enabler but likely tries to avoid any who do drink.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...