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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking      Home login  
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 MeramecRiverRat
Joined: 10/12/2017
Msg: 46
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Learned a new alcoholic code phrase this week: "Bill W". Already knew about "Is it 5 o'clock?"

Early in a conversation on Bumble, she said "I don't drink either" (that site now has a field for whether a user drinks: never, socially, often, or can be left blank. She didn't fill out any of her fields but saw mine). A message or two later, she asked, "Do you know Bill W?" When that happened, I thought it was unrelated to the earlier talk about not drinking, that she was asking if we had a mutual acquaintance. I said I couldn't think of anyone named Bill W. She said OK and the conversation moved to different subjects.

Things moved from the site to texting, then we spoke on the phone. Thought I would be asking her to meet during the phone call, but she was surprisingly rude and abrasive so I didn't feel like asking to meet. She eventually said she was getting another call so we ended the call. She texted that she wanted to talk on the phone again the next day.

In a text conversation the next day, I asked who Bill W was. She replied that she would explain later. She called that evening when she got home from work. I asked about Bill W, whereupon she revealed that she "was" an alcoholic and that people who are in AA or who have been in AA ask that to identify each other. People who don't drink are often suspected of being former alcoholics. That phone conversation ended when she said she was about to have her dinner. I didn't say anything about wanting to communicate with her in the future.

Next morning when I went on Bumble in response to a push notification on the site, she was gone from the conversations. Shrug. She was probably looking for a fellow alcoholic, a codependent enabler. Even if they're not currently drinking, they still have mood swings and bursts of rage / meanness. I deleted the text conversation as if I were disposing of a brown recluse walking across the phone screen.

In the future I'll know about "Bill W".
 Chastirin
Joined: 10/3/2018
Msg: 47
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/3/2018 6:14:47 PM
Thanks Meramec. That bit of information might be really useful to know if the same term is used in the UK. I'm not an ex-alcoholic either.
 mahwahgirl339114
Joined: 10/31/2017
Msg: 48
she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/4/2018 2:52:06 PM
Lesson learned: your potential date can have the most bizarre assumptions. So, don't tell them much of anything until you meet in person, and know them pretty well.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 49
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/5/2018 4:38:08 PM
In this day and age, most people I know have had experience with at least one person with a serious drinking problem. Quite often a family member or close relative, but could be extended family / close friend / co-worker.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2017/08/11/study-one-in-eight-american-adults-are-alcoholics/?utm_term=.b5329320e2e0



A new study published in JAMA Psychiatry this month finds that the rate of alcohol use disorder, or what's colloquially known as “alcoholism,” rose by a shocking 49 percent in the first decade of the 2000s. One in eight American adults, or 12.7 percent of the U.S. population, now meets diagnostic criteria for alcohol use disorder, according to the study.


So, yes, I know who Bill W is. I have two family members who qualify, so I have studied this.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 50
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/5/2018 8:26:13 PM

She was probably looking for a fellow alcoholic, a codependent enabler. Even if they're not currently drinking, they still have mood swings and bursts of rage / meanness.
that is a fairly distorted and somewhat insulting view on those who quit drinking. a recovering alcoholic, some one who has successfully quit drinking doesn't need a codependent enabler but likely tries to avoid any who do drink.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 51
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/5/2018 8:59:21 PM
I have met far too many dry drunks to ever befriend anyone who is on a dry drunk at any time.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 52
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/5/2018 9:31:48 PM
but a 'dry drunk' and a recovering alcoholic are far from the same. some one forced to quit and remaining bitter because they want a drink probably wouldn't make a good date. total opposite of one asking if you know bill w. or any other aa reference.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 53
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/7/2018 7:25:31 PM
"total opposite of one asking if you know bill w. or any other aa reference."

That has not been my experience. I have known several dry drunks who had got up for years as speakers at AA. What they say when were speaking, and what they show strangers wasn't always what they showed to people that they were in close relationships with.

IMO, alcoholics drank to self medicate because of mental health issues. They quit drink, but the mental health issues sometimes return especially if they haven't received help with their other issues.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 54
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/10/2018 7:43:46 AM
for those unfamiliar with "dry drunk thinking", look it up. you may be surprised you know someone with "alcoholic thinking" yet never witnessed them drinking heavily.

"alcoholics drink to self medicate"

>>>that's the problem with drugs--they can be the solution to other problems. you get an addict off a physical crutch, but they're left with the problem (social anxiety, childhood abuse, insecurity, racing thoughts, etc) still to solve.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 55
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/10/2018 10:12:11 AM

>>>that's the problem with drugs--they can be the solution to other problems. you get an addict off a physical crutch, but they're left with the problem (social anxiety, childhood abuse, insecurity, racing thoughts, etc) still to solve.
that is the point of the 12 step programs. their problems are no different than many who still drink or never drank at all. the difference is they drank to tune them out while the rest of the world either dealt with the issues or found other ways to ignore them. once sober, they must cope with those issues all at once rather than spread out over a lifetime. being free of drugs and alcohol is no guarantee that they will, just as those who never had an alcohol problem will either.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 56
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/11/2018 12:51:19 AM
58
IMO, alcoholics drank to self medicate because of mental health issues.

Are you saying then that everyone who has a mental health issue becomes an alcoholic once they have their first drink? By your reasoning then I should be a raging alcoholic. Never was, never will be.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 57
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/11/2018 6:58:59 AM
"Are you saying then that everyone who has a mental health issue becomes an alcoholic"

Of course not! I am saying that those who use alcohol to dull the pains of mental illness instead of getting other types of help, will most likely still have to deal with the mental health issues if they quit drinking.

Not everyone who drinks becomes an alcohol. Not everyone who becomes an alcohol drink to dull pain, but most do.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 58
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/11/2018 9:05:35 AM
All alcoholics do not have mental issues - there are a ton of other problems besides mental.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 59
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she's and alcoholic, dry for 11 years, I'm a social drinker, looking for advice...
Posted: 11/11/2018 12:37:28 PM
Death of family member comes to mind, which causes situational depression.

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