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 missraven1
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 26
Single dads need advice plsPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
She later texted to say that her son said my bf punched him when they were in the lift, just before he left and she has reported him. lies.

It just shows the depth of emotional immaturity of the kid's mother by taking vengeance on your bf for bringing you to the hospital. No excuse for it, it's selfish jealousy on her part to jeapordize his future relationship with his child. But I think I'd have to agree with others, as you know how she feels about you already, you probably should have stayed out of this one (not gone to the hospital) given the stressful situation with their child, instead of deciding it's the time and place where he should stand up for you. Is this more about your relationship with him than the child? He sounds a bit spineless as he flipped flopped on the issue and now wants to keep you separate from his son because of her reaction, which I don't agree with. If he's worried she'll keep him from his child if he doesn't bend to her wishes, he ought to seek legal advice and take preemptive action to prevent it and for peace of mind (ie a custody arrangement/visitation). He's looking for an easy out.
 SweetLady95
Joined: 8/30/2011
Msg: 27
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/2/2011 8:35:50 PM
I understand that you may feel slighted or feel annoyed but this is really not the time for this. The child is in the hospital and from what you have described, it may be a serious condition. You do not need to go to the hospital to support him. You can support your bf from home. It seems like you just want to make yourself known to the bm. It's not about you. It's about this child right now. Right now the child needs both of his parents there to help him heal. There does not need to be drama or friction between the two parents. You should stay away from the hospital and deal with bm issues after the son is completely well.
 missraven1
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 28
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/2/2011 8:56:03 PM
Actually if the BM's did make a false report about your bf hitting the kid, I reckon he should think about whether there are sufficient grounds to seek full custody and supervised visitation for her depending on how bad it is; an emotionally unstable parent and one that causes constant friction isn't good for a child.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 29
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Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/2/2011 9:24:59 PM
Personally I would not have moved in with someone a month after I met them and I would have the sense to stay away when his child is in the hospital and the mother of the child is upset and not open to me hanging around. Now you may not like any of this but he's made it clear that you aren't wanted so why would you go there at a time like this? Obviously you aren't to him what you think he is to you, and you need to decide if you really want to be in the middle of all this and treated this way, but I do not see where you belonged at the hospital, knowing the situation, and just hanging there for hours waiting for a man who does not see you as his partner. Did he behave badly, sure, but why are you in the middle of this mess? The mother may be right or wrong {who knows how many other girlfriends he's brought around before you and what the real circumstance is for her problem with you being there) but the fact is, her child is very sick, it was not a place for you to mark your territory. And you being there for him, he didn't want you there, she didn't want you there, you intruded to make sure she knew he was yours.
 DizzyMummi81
Joined: 9/24/2011
Msg: 30
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/2/2011 9:38:13 PM
Wow, lot of scary factors here.

1. Why has it taken your boyfriend ten months to let the mother of his child know that he has a live in girlfriend? Have you had any issues with her before?

2. Above and beyond, this baby should be the first priority. Not your feelings, not his feelings, not her feelings. I'm sorry, but it was probably not a good idea to be at the hospital.

3. It sounds like your boyfriend knew there was going to be trouble and I think you should have listened to him.

4. You could have shown support in so many other ways. Offering to go buy coffee, run errands, be a support for the grandparents. So many things you could do.

I dont think you should have moved in with this guy after a month, now the baby is going to be attached to you and if you leave he is going to be confused. I have been the 'new girlfriend'. I always got along with my boyfriend's ex's, because I was polite and gave them the space that they deserved and showed respect for the relationship they shared. In response, I was always treated with respect. I think it's best for you to let your man do what he needs to do for his son, when it is over, try to set up a meeting for coffee when things are calm where the three of you can talk and set up boundries until she becomes more comfortable for you....

I'm kind of afraid because you don't seem to show concern for this little boy and only how you are feeling... they could be losing their son, do you know how scary that is? ..

Thankfully, I dont have to share my son with anyone, but if some girl I had never met showed up at the hospital and was staring at me walking with the man who fathered my baby, I'd probably have some issues too..
 Rain587
Joined: 7/9/2011
Msg: 31
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/2/2011 11:06:23 PM
You said you don't want kids now anyway. Really? And you are getting married to a single dad?

Second marriages have a higher divorce rate due to kids and money. You have 15 more years of this with her but a life time (if your marriage survives) with the child. He should chose that child over you and he should have as much time with the child as he can get - not be a part time dad.

The baby is sick. He needs his mama and daddy.
 frijolera_ninja
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 32
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/2/2011 11:55:37 PM
Jeez I not only feel bad for the kid but the poor dad! Can you imagine a sick child and 2 women pulling you at each end! The mom sounds nutty and the gf's actions arent too far off! That whole lift scene (elevator?) would of been avoided had you listened to your man in the 1st place. Sitting waiting around did none of you any good did it?
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 34
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 3:21:29 AM

I was there cos my bf wanted to take me.

Before, you said that YOU wanted to go, not that he wanted to take you. He wanted you to stay back because he knew his ex would blow a gasket if you were sticking your nose in playing mommy to her sick child.


She has known about me for 6 month and just wanted me out the picture.

You're in the picture, as you two are getting married and now live together. Why is this not good enough for you? There will be years and years of you being front and center with this kid's life, and once you have your own kid it will be even better. Why cause drama now? Even though it's not your fault directly, we're talking about a freaking kid here who will be spending significant time in the hospital. This "BM" (as you put it) and your boyfriend have way too much on their plate right now; they don't need to deal with a selfish girlfriend who feels left out. Work this out with your boyfriend AT HOME and leave the drama out of the hospital. Again, you're not the cause of the drama (according to your posts), but it's happening anyway and you can prevent it to some extent by just STAYING HOME.

If you care about the kid, you'll do what you can do to keep the drama out of his life.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 35
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Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 4:08:13 AM
Arwen had the MOST important observation here.

It's about the child, not about you. That he's apparently alright now is wonderful.

What I see here, is that YOU, OP, have decided that your response to this man you claim to care for's having a VERY difficult time, is that you will ADD to his problems.

He has a son in medical peril,
he has additional medical bills to pay,
he has an EX who is stressed out and getting more so,

And so YOU decided that NOW is the time to press for your personal sense of satisfaction about how much attention he pays to you, and what your NOMINAL status is in the relationship.

Selfishness is actually a tiny label to put on this. I would suggest that a total lack of comprehension of human emotions, a complete inability to empathize with the man you CLAIM to love, and the worst strategic use of your emotional leverage over him that I can possibly imagine would have even better application.

Were I in such a situation myself, and my GF of 9 months decided that NOW was the time to hash out the top dog status, and use my CHILD as the focal point of the battle, I would not only kick the GF to the curb, I would put extreme effort into it, such that I would score a 60 yard field goal, if I were doing it in the NFL.
 missprisee
Joined: 8/3/2011
Msg: 36
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Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 5:44:12 AM
Sugar, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. What is worse is that a child is being used as a weapon to control not only the child but your BF, and indirectly you.

I hope that since your OP the child has come to better times, not just in his health but also the parents. From the limited description of the symptoms I can think of a couple of conditions. But anyway, not here to diagnose a child.

There is a thread in this section 'How to escape a controlling relationship' it's worth a read http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14696183.aspx although doesn't really give any method or conclusions.

The Mother needs to seek urgent counselling. Not because I believe in counselling, but because she needs to learn how to express herself and reflect upon herself and her behaviour. You don't indicate how much time you spend with the child, so I can't comment in the relationship you have with the child. That is an important factor here.

Although some people have been a bit harsh on you, I do feel that, put in better words, your support of your BF would best be dealt with independently rather than in the Hospital. You have a 10 month relationship for which you have been living together for 9 months. It is important that you and he retain your independence. Your support is best shown by letting him know, gently, you are there for him and he can share his angry, frustrating and concerns with you, and you won't get in the way or cause attention to be focused on you.

There is little point sitting in a Hospital Reception area when you aren't part of the 'plan' and there are other things you could be doing to help your BF get through the day. Sadly lowest common denominator relationships are always going to be difficult.

Which leads me to your msg #4. She flipped out because she was looking for a reason to turn the attention to her. She is hurting, not only over the child and his illness, but her break up and herself worth as a failure in the relationship, and no doubt many other things. I'll bet you will find out she's had a chain of 'short term relationships' all very similar in style. I'm pretty certain she has really deep issues that she is using a false sense of power to overshadow within herself to make herself feel what she perceives as powerful In stead it's just destroying her emotionally. The battle in her mind and her subconscious must be terrifying for her.

She has to look into her self. Yahoo Answers search for 'What is insight' and print it and give it to your boyfriend.

@msg 2 - she's not picking a battle, she is trying to show both the father and the mother that she is there as a friend to support the child, the father and the mother . The mother should be focusing on the positives of a wider network of support for her child. Not alienating everyone around the child and using the child as a trophy or prize for behaviour. Local Authorities do this enough with parents as it is. We don't need to mimic the behaviour.

@msg 3 - spot on! Though I doubt the mother would agree to couples therapy. She needs to reflect on herself and gain some insight before three of them sit down and work out a future. It's shame this is so common in England over other parts of the world.

@msg 5 - actually in times of crisis meting the first time is a really positive step. See they all have a common ground to experience. The Child and his illness. They can then each discover something new about each other - the unknown fact. This is, in this case obvious. Fear. Fear of oneself and fear of the other people. Once discovered one can put fear aside and extend opportunity to focus not on oneself but on the child, and together enrich the child's life and their own.

It's not that hard to do. It happens around the world all the time. But then you get stubborn people, like my (now ex) partners father 12 years ago who refused to come to hospital to say goodbye to his dying son. Her father hates me, he probably hates me more for fulfilling his role because he refused to come. He assaulted me later that year. INSIGHT: Now I might just know why. So thank you for your posting. That Insight, common experience, undiscovered fact, learning, all very powerful stuff.

I disagree that they 'both care for their son' - the mother is showing that the son is a means of punishing the father. If she was intelligent, she'd welcome the new GF into the hospital to show support to the father so she didn't have to wear the emotional drain. Instead she's using emotional abuse to control the situation. Poor indeed.

If the mother set aside her desire to control the father for 2 seconds, she might discover the GF is a really sweet lady and they could well become close friends ... with the child at the centre of interest. Sadly sometimes children don't unit, they divide, but not because the child chooses. Adults choose to use children as a dividing factor.

Allison you say you have dated men with children - then you say the mother could have the GF banned from the childs room (although it seems the GF hasn't visited the child in hospital anyway so it's a moot issue and woudl only serve to deminstate the Mothers poor judgement and selfishness) and then you say the worst thing to be said 'the boyfriend painted into a corner'

That wreaks of Domestic Abuse, emotional abuse, control, manipulation. There should never be a threat of a person being painted into a corner. Only a threat that a person will paint themselves into a corner by their own actions. I hope you'll gain some insight from my comment and realise that perhaps the reason for dating failure with the 'men' (plural I note) that you have dated before might be based around your and their common experiences and the lowest common denominator. I can sense you can be a great person, but I see you are saying things as an independent rather than in the common.

@msg 8 ... not sure immature is the right word. one can be mature and selfish, one can be mature and lack insight, one can be mature and controlling, one can be mature and deceitful. But your point is mostly valid.

The bit I don't agree with with the 'so much drama' bit. We all have drama in our life. It starts in the school playground and grows as we get older. Most people make drama the focus of their life and express a victim attitude. 'I can't help it, it's not my fault'

The solution is to take the past and use it as a foundation for the future. Put the past on the ground in front of you, and draw a line above it. Stand on the line and be strong for the things that have happened in your past, use them to gain insight and work out new ways for the future. It takes great courage to look inside oneself, rather than blame someone else - even and especially when you are in the right.

@msg 9 - sometimes people say 'supporting the boyfriend in hospital' which really means being there for the child's well being by being strength for the bf. There are lots of things she could do in a hospital for both the mother and father that reflect entirely on the common factor - the child - IF the mother put her deep antagonism aside.

@msg 10 - the mother needs to think about how the father and his new partner will fit into her life. The GF is already standing by to fit in. It is the mother who is being antagonistic and manipulative.

I also don't think the GF is trying to make any statement to the mother. I think the GF is trying to be supportive to the parents with respect to the child and the crisis. I know I'd want everyone to be supportive, no matter who they were.

@msg 11 - you are right, everyone needs to be grown ups, not pulling the arms and legs of a dolly in the school playground. (A metaphor, not a comment on maturity.) If the three adults pull together for the sake of the child's well being, the future relationships from this crisis will be cemented and positive. The mother doesn't want to the child or the father to be happy, because she is unhappy in herself.

@msg 12 - she's only known him 10 months, but the mother and father have been separated 3 years. can you imagine what this father has been going through for three years with this mother and her described demonstrated behaviour?? Noting the child is only 3 ... that says a lot about the mother ... or the father?

Probably more the mother. If her behaviour is as described (and the common allegation making nonsense) then the mother is not in control of her functions. I wonder if she is having a period or ovulating when these incidents erupt? Clearly something went wrong in the last part of the pregnancy if they split up around that time. We don't know enough about the BF to determine if he has behaviours to deal with, we are only hearing one side. It is highly common for people to split up at the time of birth or shortly after, in the UK. not so common (per capita) in other parts of the world.

@msg 22 - your second observational paragraph is all enlightening! *smile* I was avoiding making the comment as it reflects poorly on both mother and father, specially when you take my above into consideration.

With respect to the Elevator scene, and allegations int he elevator, most places have CCTV, specially hospitals. Nuff said.

Finally, it is never selfish to want to show emotional support to a partner or a situation. No one should ever be criticised for putting themselves and their own independence on hold with the provision of being a sportive person.

It doesn't matter if you don't like someone. You ACCEPT that that person is there for a reason and you ACCEPT that persons presence. It is not for you to control that persons support to others.

It's when adults choose to use others as weapons to enrage or anger or punish that society finds itself failing for the future. We have a lowest common denominator of behaviour, the true success is finding the highest common ground.

xox
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 37
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 6:05:37 AM

And so YOU decided that NOW is the time to press for your personal sense of satisfaction about how much attention he pays to you, and what your NOMINAL status is in the relationship.
This is what I find most interesting about this whole situation. How utterly selfish would one have to be to choose this time(When her b/f child is sick in a hospital)to draw a line in the sand?.

The Op and her b/f moved way too fast in their relationship. And this point if I was her b/f I would be thinking seriously about if I wanted to marry this woman or not. A woman who think is perfectly ok to add more stress to my life. A woman who is only thinking about herself when she should be thinking about others.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 38
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Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 6:07:44 AM

@msg 12 - she's only known him 10 months, but the mother and father have been separated 3 years. can you imagine what this father has been going through for three years with this mother and her described demonstrated behaviour?? Noting the child is only 3 ... that says a lot about the mother ... or the father?


If you are going to single out my post can you please elaborate on your point?? Based on that response I have no idea what you are getting at or your rebuttal to my post?..
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 39
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 8:22:23 AM
Having children should be licenced.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 40
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 9:12:42 AM
OP,
It was bad judgment on your part and on dad’s part to move a new person into the child’s household without taking many months to establish a stable relationship first and to work out exactly these foreseeable issues first. Bad parenting choice #1 on dad’s part, and yours. Then you, and then dad, cause a fuss about anything at all when the child was ill? Bad parenting choice #2. Of course, mom is not pleased. You and dad are not demonstrating good judgment AT ALL in respect to this child.

She is not a "bio-mom"- this is not an adoption situation. She is the MOM- biologically, legally and morally. Very disrespectful of you.

I can’t imagine that you have any legal right to visit this child in the hospital- you are a girlfriend of the dad's. Even if you and the dad were married, I doubt you would have legal rights- or obligations- in respect to your step-children. You and dad should look into what the law is or talk to a lawyer. I’m only guessing-- if you and dad break up, you would no right to custody or visitation, to pay or receive child support, to provide medical care or anything else in respect to this child. If that's the case, as I suspect, everyone should know and respect the actual roles of the three adults before moving one step further.

If you and the dad are triangulating the mom into the problems you two have created, you are making bad parenting choice #3. Leave the mom out of it- not her fault you two generated this drama. If you two are hooked on vilifying her, for the child’s sake, break off your relationship now. Kids suffer when there is high-conflict parenting.
 DizzyMummi81
Joined: 9/24/2011
Msg: 42
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 9:42:40 AM
Well I hope you feel blessed to have this man love you so much, because I don't know many dads that would limit the contact they have with their child for a woman they have been dating for ten months... be careful.
 stacy301981
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 43
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 9:43:49 AM
I think going to the hospital was a horrible idea, when children are in the mix dating takes alot of patience. I am a mother of one my last relationship was a father of one and his ex and him used to do the same things. What I had to do was tell him his parenting time should be kept separate from the mother except during times necessary because of confusion it can have on a child. I helped in alot of things and meeting his ex came with time and was very casual. I didnt expect to be her friend but she will still rely on me to babysit even though my ex and I are broke up. Thats how things turn out. It sounds to me you are being way too pushy.
 stacy301981
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 44
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 9:45:44 AM
Omg that is crazy I never heard of that!! Childrens Aid case!!
 Nidog
Joined: 10/16/2007
Msg: 45
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Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 9:51:48 AM
I'm sorry but what's a BM?
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 46
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 9:56:37 AM
"BM" stands for biological mother. It is used in adoption cases, where there is a legal mother (aka the Mother) and a biological mother who has given up custody.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 47
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 11:26:50 AM
It’s not just about the hospital scenario, as OP says her boyfriend’s solution to his manipulative ex is to keep his son away from his girlfriend.

A grieving mother doesn’t make a childish scene in a hospital elevator, with her afflicted three-year-old son right next to her, witnessing the whole thing. That’s not a reaction to stress; it’s instability.

Three years later, the ex is still controlling your boyfriend, and he’s allowing it.

The child’s mother isn’t going anywhere. You can’t change her, or your boyfriend’s reaction to her, his son, or you. You can only do what’s best for you. Do you really want to continually come in third place in your boyfriend’s life after his son and his ex?

You said your boyfriend and his ex went school shopping together. That suggests a closeness you may be ignoring.

If this abundant drama sounds appealing to you, I’d suggest counseling. It's not going away, no matter where she and the child are living.

Another thing to consider: how long until she files false charges against you?

(I took BM to stand for baby’s mother.)
 MissStackhouse
Joined: 8/1/2011
Msg: 48
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 11:28:36 AM
OP, this is only the beginning...trust me. BM will also go apeshit about you attending graduations, big birthday parties and other milestones in this childs life.

I know this from experience...

It also sounds like your boyfriend has and will always put the needs and feelings of the BM before yours. Either get used to it, or get out of the relationship.
 john36602000
Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 49
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Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/3/2011 12:08:04 PM
Your BF should stand up to her. He is part of your life and you should be included no matter what. Sounds like the ex hasnt given up on him. I just ended a relationship with what sounds like his ex. I have 2 stepsons from a previous marriage that i raised for 13 years. In this passed relationship, she got angry when I even mentioned the boys name. I missed their high school graduation and ones military graduation because of her. Worst mistake I ever made in my life. When we split, I cried for days not over her, but what I missed in their life because of her. Its not worth it.
 scor01
Joined: 8/23/2011
Msg: 50
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Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/6/2011 4:07:09 PM
what an awkward deal -- and it happens everyday... he has no balz. If you are part of a relationship with him the very least your deserve is respect.... tuff to the mom. Your not doing anything. It's not like your trying to be the kids mom. You are there for your BF emotional support . that's all . Hes a wimp.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 51
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/6/2011 5:33:17 PM
When my young son was in the hospital,
my wife and me took shifts staying with him.
So he would not wake up alone in a scary place.

Could be what your guy is doing.
He doesn't show much tact in dealing with you.
But you are really are impossible to deal with as regards to this.
You probably are not "future wife" material for him and his son.

Find a guy without kids and start your own family.
 missraven1
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 52
Single dads need advice pls
Posted: 10/6/2011 5:48:43 PM
Right, I didn't know BM meant what was referred to in msg 48. Thought it meant boy's mother. Although technically correct (rather than the legal definition given), it doesn't seem right to refer to her in such a way. She is the mother period. I can see how it appears disrespectful on the face of it, whether you intended it or not OP.
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