Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Something between FWB and Marriage      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 26
Something between FWB and MarriagePage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Why should me and my children go without if we don't have to


I suppose every single mom ( of three kids ) working in retail can afford to travel to Paris and list that as one of thier hobbies. I suppose everyone who can't afford to travel must be going without.

Thanks for your posts though they are an affirmation that men need to think twice about cohabitating without a solid cohabitation agreement.
 blackchic
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 27
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 9:32:47 AM
long term=Oprah & Stedman....FWB= Madonna and who ever she's currently humping. FWB leading to Marriage 2 kids 29 years later= Gene Simmons and his "new" bride.
 Tryns
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 28
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 10:25:34 AM
I too have the co-habitation/marriage clause in my divorce settlement with my ex. I have been trying to set her up with guys at every opportunity in hope someone would at least move in w/her.......

No luck so far but I'm not giving up yet.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 29
view profile
History
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 10:36:06 AM
Eh?

A relationship can take ANY form the people having said relationship WANT it to take

Despite what some people seem to think there isnt some official list of six "allowable" formats that HAVE to be followed to the letter you know

Anything the participants mutually think is right for them is fine, what anyone else thinks makes the word irrelevant look like the understatement of the millenium
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 30
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 12:35:11 PM

Sure. I am pretty much looking for the same thing. I can't get married or co- habitat or I lose my alimony and I not giving that up.


I am starting to be open to this arrangement for the polar opposite reasons sans trite listed.

I don't want to be paying anyone after the relationship is over.

Most states won't allow alimony and all but 4 have taken common law marriage off the books. So these archaic laws are slowly going away.
Knowing the laws for your state is one of the smartest things you can do.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 31
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 1:39:27 PM
I wanted the steady loving partner w/o living together. But it seems most of the men I met either wanted marriage ASAP (too needy) or a "dating" relationship (translation- FWB or F BUDDY) not needy enough. It's like Goldilocks & the 3 bears, LOL! I'm no longer looking, just casually dating. If the right partner is out there, we will meet.
 Dorkvader27
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 32
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 2:25:11 PM
There are people out there that would want that. Ask Gene Simons about it he should be able to give you great advice on it. haha

I'm sure there are plenty of women out there that are in a similar situation as you.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 33
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 2:37:49 PM
That would be called a committed relationship, and as far as I can see should not be that hard to find here on POF.

Ok, admittedly on a dating site one can only go by profiles and posts, so no guarantee that people actually mean what they write, but I guess it's worth a shot, eh?

(One thought though, after being divorced for only a year, are you really ready for that one?)
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 34
view profile
History
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 2:45:28 PM

I wanted the steady loving partner w/o living together.



But it seems most of the men I met ....wanted ........ or a "dating" relationship (translation- FWB or F BUDDY) not needy enough.


I dont quite get that tbh

And FWB type relationship can be pretty much what you said in the first one cant it? And infact what you described is infact "dating" as it never progresses past that stage to be called or labelled as anything else so either of those terms could be what you described as long as you just found someone who also never wanted to live with you either but DID want a monogamous relationship

I'm just kind of wondering if youre not exactly sure exactly what you do want, where the boundaries should or shouldnt be and thats actually the real reason you have struggled to find it?

Just thinking outkoud there lol :)
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 35
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 2:46:29 PM
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, as MagikMan said: READ the profiles carefully, there are more give aways than you think!!!!! Don't make the mistake to only "read" the pics.
 Tim0066
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 36
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 3:22:57 PM
Sans,


I don't think some of you even understand what alimony is, why its awarded, who it is awarded to and the fact that not every state even awards it.


I am quite clear in understanding what alimony is.

Why are you "taking" money from your ex husband? Its not your money, he's not responsible for your financial wellbeing for the rest of your life just because he was married to you before.

Child support is a completely different thing and expected.

Alimony? Yeah 100 years ago even just 50 years ago... but women are mens EQUALS... anyone who takes alimony is a leach.

You are NOT entitled to alimony in my opinion, I think those States that still have it should remove it from the Law Books.

Alimony is just a way to hold onto the era when women weren't considered equal, couldn't own land, couldn't work... today? Alimony? = Leach

I can see how you view it tho... the courts "awarded" it to you, excellent choice of word... great to see you won the lottery! Congrats!... sad.

and women wonder why men don't rush into marriage/committed relationship.

You know this makes me think... if I were dating a girl and found out she took alimony from her ex, I'd dump her...

Grow up be a real woman, stop taking your EX husbands money.
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 37
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 4:35:07 PM

I wanted the steady loving partner w/o living together. But it seems most of the men I met either wanted marriage ASAP (too needy) or a "dating" relationship (translation- FWB or F BUDDY) not needy enough. It's like Goldilocks & the 3 bears, LOL! I'm no longer looking, just casually dating. If the right partner is out there, we will meet.

agreed...I'm not getting involved in a FWB thread so please no comments from anyone about how that can be just as good...it is not. I want a steady boyfriend/partner. I do NOT want a situation where we're just taking care of personal business while we wait to meet someone we actually like & want to date.

Re: all the uproar over Sans. You do not know her situation. If I'm not mistaken it was NOT her decision to divorce & there may be a good reason why she's willing to accept a low paying retail position. Perhaps it allows her to spend more time with her children? I would LOVE to have the ability to spend more time with my daughter...or maybe just not be so tired when we both get home.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 38
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 4:57:10 PM
Perhaps it allows her to spend more time with her children? I would LOVE to have the ability to spend more time with my daughter...or maybe just not be so tired when we both get home


The majority of people would like to have more time to spend with their children or be doing something else besides working for a living and many of us do come home tired at the end of a working day ... the reality is most of us have not been fortunate enough to be given that option. The best most of us can hope for is winning the cash for life lottery.

I am surprised at the number of women on this thread who would be in favor of a long term manogamous relationship without cohabitation. I have never personally met a woman who thinks this is a good long term prospect.

 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 39
view profile
History
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 5:22:48 PM
If someone wasnt having their income supplemented by their ex UNTIL they lived with someone else then the idea wouldnt proabably appeal as much though because if that person wasnt also stupid enough to marry them and then moved out they'd have to support themselves then like everybody else does


With people who arent trying to milk an ex for as much as they can though I can see the appeal to an extent as somebody who has been on their own for too long to be able to easily co exist in the same place as a partner is only really going to have the option of sequential dating spells otherwise as most people would expect any dalliance they put a serious amount of time into to progress

So where two people are incapable of being able to share with somebody else the next available option would be to have some semblance of it being a long term FWB type arrangement where all the aspects of an actual relationship are there but where it is never wanted nor expected by either party for it to progress past monogamous dating

Personally though I wouldnt be able to see that as a temporary thing until I wanted something tangible and resembling a proper relationship. Its not something I could or would ever see as more than transient even though for some people it can be if thats what they both want

This "ooh its an FWB" stuff is really vaccuous. They are what the two people having them want them to be. Which means they can be as permanent or long term as the two people want, are just as socialised as they want and anything else too

After all a relationship is only an FWB where at least one, or hopefully both people DO want it to progess to something more

So an FWB can have every aspect of that except for the progression factor if thats what the participants want
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 40
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 5:22:50 PM
I don't want to speak for Sans, but I think I read in another thread that one of her children has special needs. I didn't want to come out & say it since it's not really my place to mention it. Possibly I'm mistaken, but you know...that requires more time with your child.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 41
view profile
History
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 5:24:38 PM

I am surprised at the number of women on this thread who would be in favor of a long term manogamous relationship without cohabitation. I have never personally met a woman who thinks this is a good long term prospect.

You live in Kamloops, what d'ya expect?

(Don't take it personal: some of my best friends live in Kamloops, and family live thereabouts. All married.)
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 42
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 5:43:55 PM
Friedns with benefits is a really stupid term; why did it even develop? What friends do you have that DONT bring you some benefit (male OR female) These benefits can range from a gofl buddy, to a spiritual benefit, to financial benefits, to security benefits, to a tea buddy etc etc etc etc.

From this point on; I am refusing to acknowledge this redundant term which turns the simple and straight up into the complex and shifty.



Regards[
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 43
view profile
History
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 5:52:17 PM
sc67

you know i think it is nice that you came to her defense. the point here is that the posters who attacked her were off base. no knowledge of her circumstance and no real reason to judge her. obviously they have had some bad experiences in divorces with finances. but, there are reasons that women (and men too) get alimony. and it is not always money grubbing as they seem to think.

it was off topic, it was not necessary except to attack her based on their personal experience and anger about it .

kaylee
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 44
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 6:15:32 PM
true kaylee...the fiscal (& physical/emotional) responsibility associated with raising children on your own is much more overwhelming than non-custodial parents realize (regardless of gender).

Yes...such fun to pick on one person when it seems obvious to you they're a bad person...until you know the reason behind why they say & do what they say & do.

On topic...the OP does NOT want FWB. You can call any sort of relationship FWB, but we all know what it means. He does not want it. I think he's pretty clear about what he wants & I don't think he's going to find it difficult if he'll express himself like he did in his post. From men it sometimes comes off bitter when they say it & I think a lot of men don't believe women when we say we don't want to be married again.
 Idee_Fixe
Joined: 4/21/2011
Msg: 45
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 6:25:11 PM
I think I speak for a lot of women, but obviously not all; truth be told, I'd rather staple rabid mice to my forehead than to marry again; don't get me wrong, I have nothing against it; I had a great marriage and did it right the first time, so I don't feel the need to to do it again. More often that not, if the woman is secure and who has already raised children and often a man too, don't want to give up that freedom they waited so long for, but with that said, women are also nurturers and would like to have just one man to care for.
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 46
view profile
History
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 6:33:14 PM
overall i agree that more women than ever before are not interested in marriage. and the casual sex thing doesn't fit any longer either. what i imagine is more along the lines of a relationship that is loving and caring and commited (in terms of monogamy and not wanting to be with someone else, or just biding time til the right one shows up) but doesn't involve merging every aspect of our lives. i don't know that i could live with someone every day of my life again. thinking a back and forth thing would work better.
i guess one that is honest and that we are staying together out of pure choice.

kaylee
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 47
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 6:59:41 PM
Friedns with benefits is a really stupid term


Totally agree. All of the women are whining that they will never be in a FWB situation. But what they're describing what they want is a FWB type of relationship-maintain separate residences, get together for "dates", sleep overs at each other's place, etc. What if the "FWB" situation is monogamous and goes on for 20, 25 years? Would women still describe it as a FWB relationship?

Speaking of legalities, there is another situation that gets complicated if you're in the "I will NEVER get married (again)" camp. What happens if one of you are hospitalized and/or needs a major medical procedure? The hospitalized person's family will have the trump card and final say in the person's care if the sick/injured person isn't able to speak on his/her behalf. Even if the sick/injured person says he/she wants their love interest to have final say, it might not have any weight in the situation. You, the lover, is just classified as a friend of the family, especially if you have separate home addresses. That piece of paper-the marriage certificate-gives you legal authority over a person's personal care. Do you want the love of your life, but will never marry, be in that position, where his/her family is in control of the person's care in dire circumstances and not you?
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 48
view profile
History
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 7:04:11 PM
the situation, medical, that you describe can be handled through documents, legal, that give anyone of your choosing power to make decisions on your behalf. don't have to be married for that.

and concerning fwb, that situation is most likely to be defined as not having a commitment. when and if it progresses beyond to commitment then it could become something else.

kaylee
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 49
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 7:06:39 PM

Speaking of legalities, there is another situation that gets complicated if you're in the "I will NEVER get married (again)" camp. What happens if one of you are hospitalized and/or needs a major medical procedure? The hospitalized person's family will have the trump card and final say in the person's care if the sick/injured person isn't able to speak on his/her behalf. Even if the sick/injured person says he/she wants their love interest to have final say, it might not have any weight in the situation. You, the lover, is just classified as a friend of the family, especially if you have separate home addresses. That piece of paper-the marriage certificate-gives you legal authority over a person's personal care. Do you want the love of your life, but will never marry, be in that position, where his/her family is in control of the person's care in dire circumstances and not you?


Personally I would rather my children make the choices anyway. In my last marriage my ex was cheating 2 years before we divorced. Even buying a large life insurance policy on me hoping I would off myself after she left.(her first husband did just that and she got a large settlement from his death.)

So not only would it not be a problem it would be the way I want it.
 infinestforum
Joined: 7/21/2011
Msg: 50
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 7:09:01 PM
southmeetswest

Thank you for pointing that out.. it is off topic... unfair and unreal that someone who does not know the whole story would point fingers.

OP, If I started dating you and came across this post I would dump you in a heart beat. To me it reeks of selfishness.
My kids are grown, my retirement is taken care of, my house is paid off and I'm enjoying my freedom.
In essences it is saying you are only in it for YOU.
I can tell you as a woman who has been through her third marriage that I have never "taken" from any man but this last time.. oh yeah.. but that is the off topic conversation. I just know.. my guy who I have known 24+ years is going to go to the curb soon because all of my banking (shared), living will, POA, executor is in his name and not the one who I am still legally married to. (long story). I was more then willing to share this part of my life with him but it seems to escape him how important it is, but yet', he will publicly introduce me as his pseudo" wife" or fiancee but not give me this dominion (?) in his life.
To me... it hurts.. it is always in the back of my mind when am I going to be dismissed?.. or do I really have a "future" with him. Btw.. I am going from a relationship that is 3x the income of who I am dating now... my assets through day to day living are secure.. his are not. He is just so scared he might lose a buck to someone, he can't give all of himself. It is sad because... well you get the picture. Don't blow it because your hanging on to your wallet so tight it is screaming for space.
Good luck OP.

Iffy
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Something between FWB and Marriage