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 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 46
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Something between FWB and MarriagePage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
overall i agree that more women than ever before are not interested in marriage. and the casual sex thing doesn't fit any longer either. what i imagine is more along the lines of a relationship that is loving and caring and commited (in terms of monogamy and not wanting to be with someone else, or just biding time til the right one shows up) but doesn't involve merging every aspect of our lives. i don't know that i could live with someone every day of my life again. thinking a back and forth thing would work better.
i guess one that is honest and that we are staying together out of pure choice.

kaylee
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 47
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 6:59:41 PM
Friedns with benefits is a really stupid term


Totally agree. All of the women are whining that they will never be in a FWB situation. But what they're describing what they want is a FWB type of relationship-maintain separate residences, get together for "dates", sleep overs at each other's place, etc. What if the "FWB" situation is monogamous and goes on for 20, 25 years? Would women still describe it as a FWB relationship?

Speaking of legalities, there is another situation that gets complicated if you're in the "I will NEVER get married (again)" camp. What happens if one of you are hospitalized and/or needs a major medical procedure? The hospitalized person's family will have the trump card and final say in the person's care if the sick/injured person isn't able to speak on his/her behalf. Even if the sick/injured person says he/she wants their love interest to have final say, it might not have any weight in the situation. You, the lover, is just classified as a friend of the family, especially if you have separate home addresses. That piece of paper-the marriage certificate-gives you legal authority over a person's personal care. Do you want the love of your life, but will never marry, be in that position, where his/her family is in control of the person's care in dire circumstances and not you?
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 48
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Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 7:04:11 PM
the situation, medical, that you describe can be handled through documents, legal, that give anyone of your choosing power to make decisions on your behalf. don't have to be married for that.

and concerning fwb, that situation is most likely to be defined as not having a commitment. when and if it progresses beyond to commitment then it could become something else.

kaylee
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 49
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 7:06:39 PM

Speaking of legalities, there is another situation that gets complicated if you're in the "I will NEVER get married (again)" camp. What happens if one of you are hospitalized and/or needs a major medical procedure? The hospitalized person's family will have the trump card and final say in the person's care if the sick/injured person isn't able to speak on his/her behalf. Even if the sick/injured person says he/she wants their love interest to have final say, it might not have any weight in the situation. You, the lover, is just classified as a friend of the family, especially if you have separate home addresses. That piece of paper-the marriage certificate-gives you legal authority over a person's personal care. Do you want the love of your life, but will never marry, be in that position, where his/her family is in control of the person's care in dire circumstances and not you?


Personally I would rather my children make the choices anyway. In my last marriage my ex was cheating 2 years before we divorced. Even buying a large life insurance policy on me hoping I would off myself after she left.(her first husband did just that and she got a large settlement from his death.)

So not only would it not be a problem it would be the way I want it.
 infinestforum
Joined: 7/21/2011
Msg: 50
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 7:09:01 PM
southmeetswest

Thank you for pointing that out.. it is off topic... unfair and unreal that someone who does not know the whole story would point fingers.

OP, If I started dating you and came across this post I would dump you in a heart beat. To me it reeks of selfishness.
My kids are grown, my retirement is taken care of, my house is paid off and I'm enjoying my freedom.
In essences it is saying you are only in it for YOU.
I can tell you as a woman who has been through her third marriage that I have never "taken" from any man but this last time.. oh yeah.. but that is the off topic conversation. I just know.. my guy who I have known 24+ years is going to go to the curb soon because all of my banking (shared), living will, POA, executor is in his name and not the one who I am still legally married to. (long story). I was more then willing to share this part of my life with him but it seems to escape him how important it is, but yet', he will publicly introduce me as his pseudo" wife" or fiancee but not give me this dominion (?) in his life.
To me... it hurts.. it is always in the back of my mind when am I going to be dismissed?.. or do I really have a "future" with him. Btw.. I am going from a relationship that is 3x the income of who I am dating now... my assets through day to day living are secure.. his are not. He is just so scared he might lose a buck to someone, he can't give all of himself. It is sad because... well you get the picture. Don't blow it because your hanging on to your wallet so tight it is screaming for space.
Good luck OP.

Iffy
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 51
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 7:16:05 PM

That piece of paper-the marriage certificate-gives you legal authority over a person's personal care. Do you want the love of your life, but will never marry, be in that position, where his/her family is in control of the person's care in dire circumstances and not you?


Do you not have a power of attorney document in the States so you can appoint anyone you want ( who is willing ) to take care of your affairs in the event you are incapable - that is how it's done in Canada and my feeling is that everyone should have one along with a will.
 infinestforum
Joined: 7/21/2011
Msg: 52
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 7:27:18 PM
Tim0066...
Why are you "taking" money from your ex husband? Its not your money, he's not responsible for your financial wellbeing for the rest of your life just because he was married to you before.


Alimony? Yeah 100 years ago even just 50 years ago... but women are mens EQUALS... anyone who takes alimony is a leach.


So the woman who stays home at the behest of her husband to be the perfect hostess for the familial Sunday golf/family / friend dinner, take care of the "grounds", watch the assets and play the wanton in bed only to find out her husband is gay and gave their retirement nest egg to his gay lover to invest in his bed and breakfast (ie dont sleep in Port Hope Ontario)should be penalized? Your diatribe at best is interesting. I did a 80k remodel on the family kitchen... and he thinks I am not deserved enough to share the value I increased his home??? Mind you the only skilled hire was the electrician.. which amounted to 2k. I had all the electrical mapped out for him.. Until you walk in the average woman's shoes don't go spouting your anti female diatribe.. cuz it don't fly. That is why courts allow for alimony.

Iffy
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 53
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 7:46:13 PM
I think that there are many people who do not want to marry again, but want a long term committed relationship.

As to alimony, some people choose to pay alimony because alimony has tax advantages for the payer, while making the after tax net to the receiving party the same as some other alternatives. And where there is a significant disparity in income, many parents want to contribute to their children’s other household, especially if the other, lower-income, parent is the primary caregiver. It's very common- and financially wise for tax reasons.
 Fab52
Joined: 12/14/2010
Msg: 54
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 8:43:25 PM
Having read over most of the posts already out there, I would have to agree with the group of women over 50 who are looking for exactly the same thing. Divorce is a nasty process and not many wish to jump back into the marriage frying pan soon afterwards. However, I no longer believe that only "easy" or "loose" women would consider such an arrangement. I believe that two people who are not married, but are in a committed and monogamous relationship, can feel happier and more emotionally involved than many of their married counterparts.

A FWB arrangement is an entirely different 'animal' with no committment or emotional investment.

It is as important to know what you DON'T want as much as what you DO. Wishing you discernement and quality 'candidates' galore.
 Kitten189
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 55
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/4/2011 10:47:13 PM

I believe that two people who are not married, but are in a committed and monogamous relationship, can feel happier and more emotionally involved than many of their married counterparts.


Ditto to that,Fab52

Btw,Op,what has prompted this question?
Have you met a woman who's pushing for marriage?
If not,just relax,enjoy and have fun - no one can FORCE anyone to get married!
 Fenicks77
Joined: 8/7/2011
Msg: 56
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/5/2011 5:28:37 PM
Kitten189:
No, I'm not being pushed towards marriage. Just taking some time to get my priorities figured out. I spent 15 years totally devoted to home and hearth and now I'm ready for a change.

Infinestform:
If having "dominion" over your partner's finances is that important to you, we wouldn't have been dating in the first place.
 3xsacharmsotheysay
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 57
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/5/2011 6:04:51 PM
I have mixed emmotions when it comes to whether I will marry again. I can easily be in a commited and monogamous relationship without the marriage certificate but I like having someone to come home to and share my day with. Seperate house-holds to me seems like an unneccessary expense unless they are in different parts of the country and one is used as a vacation home or used as an income property. You can still maintain seperate accounts and assets if you are worried about financial loss... But if thats the real concern why not get a pre-nup?
 boho_bookworm
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 58
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/5/2011 6:21:13 PM
I hope so... that's what I'm looking for. A relationship- not a marriage. And not a relationship that resembles a traditional marriage either. I'm not a housewife, never have been and really don't want to be one. I'd like to find a partner, not someone who I have to cook for and pick up after NOR someone who will "take care of me" in the traditional sense either. Just someone to love and love me and be there, support each other and make each other blissfully happy. That could involve living together or not living together (leaning toward not living together). I don't think that's what a lot of guys in my area are looking for in a girlfriend, but I'll just keep looking til I find the person who is both right for me and I am right for.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 59
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/5/2011 7:20:09 PM
It seems hypocritical that a person would want a relationship that is pretty much like husband and wife, but doesn't trust being married to the person and sharing the same space. If there isn't total trust, there isn't a strong foundation for a lasting relationship, with or without marriage. Without trust, you will always seek and find or fabricate a reason to not fully trust your partner.

A lot of people don't want to get married because they're afraid of being taken to the cleaners in the event of a divorce-as many have been in the past and don't want it repeated, so they would rather play house and do the husband and wife routine without the trappings of marriage. And yet a lot of people find a pre-nup totally offensive if they were to go the marriage route. How many people who have come out of a messy and nasty divorce wish they had a pre-nup before getting into the last relationship, but was convinced that divorce would never happen?
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 60
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Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/5/2011 7:25:13 PM
maleman
i don't think that not wanting to be married and possibly not sharing a living space shows a lack of trust. one can have a loving, trusting, commited relationship without being married. a piece of paper does not create that.

kaylee
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 61
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/5/2011 7:34:40 PM

It seems hypocritical that a person would want a relationship that is pretty much like husband and wife, but doesn't trust being married to the person and sharing the same space


"To love and to cherish forever" leading to divorce more often than not; is the epitome of hypocritical isnt it?


If there isn't total trust, there isn't a strong foundation for a lasting relationship, with or without marriage


Using that sentence as the benchmark; we can see that everything, in relation to trust,is equal; with...or..without.....marriage.


A lot of people don't want to get married because they're afraid of being taken to the cleaners in the event of a divorce


Or perhaps they are not so willing to make a promise,an oath, before their whole family and peer group; as well as before God....that they know the odds of keeping are.....what....25%?


How many people who have come out of a messy and nasty divorce wish they had a pre-nup before getting into the last relationship, but was convinced that divorce would never happen?


Doesnt it suck?

Who would have thought that we were not 100% in control of our own futures and destiny.

 Kitten189
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 62
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 10/5/2011 7:55:38 PM
From the Op....


No, I'm not being pushed towards marriage. Just taking some time to get my priorities figured out. I spent 15 years totally devoted to home and hearth and now I'm ready for a change.

Thanks for that,Op and so,im wondering what you make of all the varied responses so far?
I would hope that you see and believe that NOT all women want marriage.
*I* never did tho' im probably a little bit unusual and different to the norm
But,i'll reiterate on my third serious relationship(Ive been dating since i was 17!) and have absolutely NO intention of marrying.
So,i hope you find who you're looking for - so long as you're perfectly honest with any potential women from the very outset,im positive you'll find someone who thinks the same
Take your time and good luck!
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 63
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 12/20/2011 8:47:00 AM
I wonder if there is such a thing as a "maid with benefits"? I think that fits nicely between FWB and Marriage.




That's is humor. (For those who are challenged in that area. )
____________________________________________________
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 64
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 12/20/2011 10:13:15 PM
OP:


So is there a relationship that is more serious and monogamous than FWB that doesn't have to lead to marriage?


I would suggest that a boyfriend/girlfriend who are committed to being monogamous within that relationship, would fall under your description. For whatever reason(s), neither of them wishes to marry (or, usually, marry "again"). They may or may not live together.

I would not mind a relationship like this. However in my case, I like my personal space and don't want to live with a guy unless I am married to him; thus, if I am with a guy who I am not going to marry, we will maintain separate households.
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 65
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 12/21/2011 6:11:58 AM

I would suggest that a boyfriend/girlfriend who are committed to being monogamous within that relationship, would fall under your description. For whatever reason(s), neither of them wishes to marry (or, usually, marry "again"). They may or may not live together.

Which is exactly what I'd like to find! It seems so simple in my mind...
 mustardmoon
Joined: 9/10/2010
Msg: 66
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 12/21/2011 6:45:26 AM
I can't believe you are even asking this question. Do you not know couple who have been living together for years? I know loads of them!! Are you under a rock?

Marriage has become very unpopular for many reasons. Committed couples are now living together for 10-15-20 years. They are living an essentially married life, but not signing a marriage contract. I personally think it's great!!
 infinestforum
Joined: 7/21/2011
Msg: 67
Something between FWB and Marriage
Posted: 6/8/2012 3:26:10 PM
Hmm.. in my history I found a response that never sent to... someone.. lol que sera sera (is that how it is spelled?)
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