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 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 26
Deal breakers-Then and NowPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Same as they ever were.
So I work on my own instead.

Maybe the best we can do
is being able to recognize the obvious
sooner.
 boomerang123
Joined: 5/3/2010
Msg: 27
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 8:38:23 PM
from personal experience:

- temper issues, ie. inability to control temper
- men who expect me to pick up after them
- overly jealous/ controlling
- lack of chemistry
- selfish in bed or just plain not good in bed!
- immaturity
- actions not matching words (ie. liars)
- socially awkward

some "red flags" i have overlooked in the past include:
- being cheap
- pot smoking
- past history of cheating
I overlooked these things because there were other good qualities which i valued in those people.
 114M3
Joined: 4/19/2011
Msg: 28
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 9:06:12 PM
From my last relationship ... I think I have now put a double-emphasis on "bad temper/unpredictable mood swings" ....... I mean, I have always known that I don't do well with people who temperamental .... but my last relationship just really just bolted that deal-breaker onto my *priority beware* list .....

On the other hand, I find myself loosening up guys who have been divorced. .... The dating pool of never-married-before ppl as you get older just shrink smaller and smaller .. and heck, hoping to meet a guy at my age who has never-been-married is almost like a unicorn (just like how some guys claim women my age who have never married and don't have kids are a rarity ...*shrug maybe we're simply cancelling each other out too much?)

Now I can imagine myself a few yrs later down the line ... still single, I would probably be modifying my "list" to: "Okay if you have one kid" .. and then... sooner or later it will simply be: "Just have a pulse, then you're good to go!" ........
 114M3
Joined: 4/19/2011
Msg: 29
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 9:28:10 PM
Tim0066 wrote:


Worst thing in the world for women to do... assume because a guy doesn't have a good relationship with his mom that somehow HE is a bad guy.


I agree with you wholeheartedy Tim. .... Not to air our my own family laundry here but, long story short, neither of my brothers NOR I have that great of a relationship with our mother either. ...... Its been a long and difficult healing process. ..... I think the generalized belief that "A guy's relationship with his mom = the same state of how HIS own state of relationship will be" is overly and grossly generalized because from my own life experience this is definitely NOT a principle that can be applied to all.

My brothers are awesome guys who have their sh*t completely straight and any woman would be lucky to have them :) ... Its just one of life's many unfortunate events, that they (and I) do not happen to have the best functioning relationship with mom due to circumstances beyond one's control.

There are so many variables involved with ppl coming from all walks of life that to me, this "principle" is basically moot point.

Open your mind to looking at things from more than one point of view and you will discover that to every rule, there is always an exception.

 RotationAxle
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 30
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 9:32:51 PM
I have some that just won't work for me:

1.)Too needy and/or obsessive - wanting to text all the time and worrying when you don't respond right away
2.)Drug addict
3.)Alcoholic
4.)Wants kids
5.)Wants open relationship

Those are the major ones. I don't TRY to look for these things, but do keep an eye out for them (by looking at their profile, for example) before meeting them in person.
 RotationAxle
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 31
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 9:36:21 PM

- men who expect me to pick up after them


I forgot to add this one, though I can handle a little laziness on their part sometimes. When they just don't give a damn though and NEVER pick up after themselves...that makes me crazy.
 Becoming_Me
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 32
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 10:24:57 PM
Well I try really hard not to go into a relationship looking for deal breakers or red flags, but that do happen sometimes. My big red flags or deal breakers would be.

1. When he doesn’t want me to spend time with other friend (female or male) if he’s not around

2. He is not either employed or looking diligently for a job

3. Often borrows money from me or others

4. Drinks to intoxication on a regular basis

5. Is mean to animals, children, elderly or disabled people
 shezabritelite
Joined: 9/24/2011
Msg: 33
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 12:08:55 AM
Not that I was looking, but RED FLAGS have appeared as follows:

-singing while I was answering a question
-talking to another woman with so much interest that his whole body was turned away from me as if I was not there
-sexting someone else, but sent to me accidentally
-talking about loosing weight, but eating huge quantities of "fat foods"
-lying about his height
-taking phone calls while out together, during conversation
-not doing what he said he'd do - call, take me out, etc.

I don't look for red flags, but when they appear, I now keep track of how it makes me feel and if it doesn't feel good, I don't seek further contact. So empowering!

DEAL BREAKERS - painkillers & alcohol, married, lying, cheating, gambling, drives a Volkswagen bus, beards, ugly shoes, bad teeth, skinny jeans or jeans hanging off ass, piercings, can't pass up a mirror...
 Jaimes004
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 34
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 7:31:48 AM
Atheists and Liberals.......
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 35
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 8:19:48 AM
A woman who has shared custody with an ex she fights with constantly.

Um .................. I'll pass

- now filed under " been there done that, never again "
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 36
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 8:37:23 AM
Number one I do not go looking for deal breakers, but I am old enough to know what
I want and brave enough to ask for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can have fun with just about anyone for a couple of dates, but if they have
deal breakers I am not going to string them along after that.

I am looking for someone who is not dependent or into recreational drugs.

Not married!!!!!!!!

Who believes in God/ it's my life and I wish to share my love for God with someone else.

I want someone who has figured out what they want and has the guts to put their cards
one the table.

I need to have a little spark

I want someone who genuinely likes to talk to women!

I want someone who is not into being prejudistial and has a open heart for all people,
who do not hurt them.

You have to love dogs!!!!!!
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 37
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 8:44:13 AM
Women with cars who live in N. Van and say :

" I'll be willing to date you but I don't want to drive to Coquitlam "

 Renna814
Joined: 10/7/2011
Msg: 38
My Opinion :)
Posted: 10/11/2011 8:59:16 AM
If you really wanted to, you could find a "deal breaker" with every person you dated. A person can twist a situation around in their mind to make them want to slam on the breaks and flip a U-turn. That is how I veiw most people with their "deal breakers".

There are some things in my personal opinion that bothers me when it comes to a guy, but I would not call it a deal breaker. Like, no car, no job, lack of motivation, expects me pay for every date. When I come accross someone like that I consider that for people around my age, rough patches are expected.

I don't slam on my breaks the second I recognize something that bothers me, but I take the time to get to know him. If you actully put forth the effort to look past a persons rough patch, you'd be amazed at the personality and morals you may find.

That's my opion :)
 good_catch77
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 39
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 10:47:24 AM
All time Red Flags (no particular order just as I think of them)

1 cheaters
2 jealous
3 double standards
4 judgmental
5 liars

Recently deleted
1 women with kids (I'm in my 30's its more common now)

LOL only got one of those right now...

Recently added
1 Man Haters
2 women that stereotype
3 overly religious (this falls in the judgmental category for me)
4 no job, when I was in my 20's to see a woman with out a job while in school wasn't a big deal, even now if she's going back to school...but if you cannot support yourself I'm not going to do it for you...

These are more than less my red flags.
 musical_turtle
Joined: 3/11/2011
Msg: 40
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 10:56:29 AM
@ Tim
I respect your point of view...because you're speaking from experience.
However, what I stated before was just my opinion...you don't have to agree with me =)
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 41
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 11:52:18 AM
Well...as soon as I hear someone use the term 'red flag', I am turned right off.

I have no new 'red flags'...my dealbreakers are the same as they always were. I dont allow how someone treated me, to affect how I will treat others who did not cause the issue. Everyone gets a fresh start with me, they are not judged on how my ex did things. That would be silly, as they are NOT the ex.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 42
view profile
History
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 12:02:46 PM
To be honest if I feel serious chemistry with the person i'm seeing then I'll be quite forgiving of most irritations - to a fault sometimes. Hell i know i'm irritating sometimes so I figure each has their own set of quirks and if yo really care about someone you should do it despite the stuff that you don't like.

But stuff that I HOPE i'll walk away from in time to stop myself being an idiot is:

- People who suddenly backpedal about the level of commitment they are after "i'm sorry i've just had a really hard time I don't think i'm ready for x, y z right now"
- People who say one thing but their actions don't match up - been caught by this one in a few different guises and it's never been good.
- people who never seem happy with what they have at one time, or "in the now". I don't think these people ever properly appreciate what they have because they are always looking ahead to what more they should have or what will go wrong.
- People with whom I am not sexually compatible. I know sex isnt everything in a relationship but to me it is important and while i agree there's different strokes for different folks I know what floats my boat and i know there's zero point stringing it out with someone who doesn't.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 43
view profile
History
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 12:08:03 PM
Major deal-breaker and red flag for me: Being broken up with via text, phone, facebook, friends, smoke signal.
 DSMTraveler
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 44
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 12:40:19 PM
If you're looking for red flags, I'm sure you'll find them.

For me a date is simply to have an enjoyable time getting to know someone.

Things that I am cautious about including in my long-term life include such traditional reliables as:
(1) liars (that covers pretty much everything from alcoholics to zealots - religious and otherwise). Sometimes you know immediately who is a liar, sometimes it takes a little more getting to know someone.

I also have my own personal cautions of:
(1) blonde men (simply a long run of bad luck with blonde men and I'm not going to push my chances any further)
(2) men with facial hair
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 45
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 1:00:22 PM
cooldog65:

<div class="quote"> My deal breakers: Smoking (cigarettes and marijuana), drinking to intoxication, abuse of drugs, history of abusive behavior, history of cheating, poor personal boundaries/inappropriate behavior with opposite sex and exes, lack of accountability/personal responsibility, dishonesty, lack of transparency/too much secrecy, words/actions don't match, and lack of give and take (taker).

Wow. These are pretty much the same as mine, with the exception of smoking cigarettes since I've smoked about half of my life. :( I've quit and relapsed so often, I disclose this one immediately and I sure understand why it's a deal breaker for most.

The only thing I'd add to this list is oppositional thinking/battle posture. It makes discussions draining.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 46
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 1:10:16 PM
I'm not sure if "deal breakers" come before or after you meet someone.
If it's before, I would think you would have already screened them out
and sent a sorry not interested email.

Why do people have to know "deal breakers" if you have no intention of
contacting a person?

Afterwards, the dating process would screen out other undesirables I would
think?

I don't intentionally meet people with most of the "deal breakers" listed
because I wouldn't be interested in them in the first place.




Major deal-breaker and red flag for me: Being broken up with via text, phone, facebook, friends, smoke signal.


This makes no sense at all. You don't have a deal if you've already been broken up
with.



 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 47
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 1:29:07 PM
I do agree that lookin for red-flags is shooting yourself in the foot; there will always be something that will bother you about a person; however, in dating there is only one thing that would keep me from becoming serious about a man....mental illness.

I recognize that the mentally ill have a very very hard part in life and I wish them the best but I also know myself well enough to know that I do not have the internal process to deal with someone who is bi-polar again.

The one thing I learned was when a man told me how all the women were constantly trying to get him to like them without figuring out if they liked him....i hadnt realize i was doing that until he told me and then i figured out i didn't really like him
 kmxplore51
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 48
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 2:16:30 PM
Here is my short list of red flags:

Women who dislike republicans
Women who do not dislike republicans, but hate dogs
Women who are not tall enough
Women who dislike democrats
Women who do not dislike democrats, but hate cats
Women who dislike neither dogs nor cats
Women who are not short enough
Women who like republicans, but are not tall enough
Women who like democrats, but are not short enough
Women who are too strict in having a long list of red flags
Women who are too easy in having no list of red flags
Women who do not know what a red flag is even if it came from China (hmmm... get it?)
Women who willingly give their half-baked 'wisdom' on this forum to even less-baked questions… priceless!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 49
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 2:21:51 PM
The intent of the question is what were deal breakers in the past that you can overlook now, and vice versa-what were you willing to overlook in the past that would be deal breakers now. It has nothing to do with looking for deal breakers and red flags with a fine tooth comb.
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 50
view profile
History
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/11/2011 2:53:10 PM
oh, never mind

but it is easy to figure out

what we can't live with now are the things we experienced and did not realize the impact they would have on us, or we were just stupid.........

so, for me

the drinking i saw in my ex in the early years didn't seem too much to me. but over time and continued drinking it became an issue

i thought the man of few words who seemed to let things go was cool. i later recognized that he could not communicate honestly and would let things hang out in space forever rather than discuss and decide.

and cheating, well, that needs no explanation. but in hindsight i guess i had some red flags waving that i did not heed or did not think applied to me.

what was i thinking? who knows, i was young, idealistic maybe. but red flags were few and far between in my world.

life changes over time. the flags we see are the ones we have had some experience with.
or advised about. the thing is we take advise better now.
i don't really know what else to say,
kaylee
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