Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 44
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle thisPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

she send him texts that he doesnt know that i have read


Tsk Tsk on you for snooping.........here in lies your problem. You already don't trust him.

You've said he hasn't seen this woman in 3 years so what are you really worried about?

Trust is a key element in relationships. It's obvious you don't have that here, so perhaps you should work on your trust issues and then pursue a relationship with someone you can trust.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 45
view profile
History
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/11/2011 9:18:11 AM
You know OP.............I do not know of many that will not question the situation if their significant other has a roommate or best friend that is of the opposite sex....it just comes with the territory.

No matter how innocent it may be, and no matter how often it is talked about, if one has a personal relationship claim on another, and their best friend(s) are the same sex you are, the gender competition will start, or at least come to mind. This is all about the sexes, and you would not even think about it, it your boyfriends best friend was a male....

If it were reversed, and he snooped on you and your cell phone, and was feeling like he was competing with your best friend, who was male, I think you would be writing about a different problem and wondering what to do. If you have male friends, you know deep down inside if they are nothing but friends or they could be more if all things fell into place, so my guess is that you are thinking this way because you know how many women can be, and how you just might be with your male friends, if that opportunity arose!!

Think about it.

cd...........
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 46
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/11/2011 10:01:57 AM
I think there's another reason why some women would be uneasy with a guy having a female bf, other than the suspicion of possible sexual temptation. If the bf and gf/husband and wife have a spat, the woman doesn't want the guy to spill his guts out to another woman.

If a guy's best friend is another guy, conversation about a guy's argument with a woman is more likely to be along the line of: "Me and Sue had a big fight last night". Friend: "That sucks. Did you two work things out?" Guy: "Sort of." Friend: " So, what do you think of the Detroit Lions being undefeated so far? Want another beer?"

Whereas if a guy tells a woman best friend of an argument with a spouse, the woman is more likely to want to know details, and then analyze every detail of what she was told about the argument, and then offer advice on how to handle the situation. Women do this with their female friends, but they don't want an "outsider" to know all of the details, because they know their boyfriend/husband might put a different spin on the truth, just like happens here in the forums all the time, when we only see one side of a story.
 good_catch77
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 47
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/11/2011 10:18:44 AM

Difficult situation at best. Unless you actually met this woman, I wouldnt trust her men are weak and women with secrets are scandilous. Unless your a very patient, forgiving and understanding woman I myself would move on. Theyre so many nice guys out there why bother with the drama?


Men are weak? Yeah sure SOME are weak and SOME aren't...we're not all dogs....we know how to control and conduct ourselves....sorry if you've had bad experiences with the ones that may be but that doesn't mean you get to paint with a broad brush for ALL men...
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 49
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/11/2011 11:55:46 AM
Nothing wrong with having a best friend of the opposite sex. Hell I dated my best friend long before my ex girlfriend came into the picture and ya know what, I'm still best friends with her now even tho the ex is gone, even tho my best friend and I live far away we keep in touch thru facebook, msn, phone, etc.

Ya my ex hated that I always hung out with her but I was already broken up with my ex so I don't have to explain myself to her. She broke up with me and when I was hanging out with her it only made her more jealous, tough luck. You throw something away and someone else picks it up, good luck trying to get it back.

If I do end up being in a relationship with S/O she will know of my friends and how I meet them, I have nothing to hide. But I don't have to confide in only one person. Like some posters said it's called trust. If you can't trust then I suggest you move on.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 50
view profile
History
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/11/2011 12:44:43 PM
If the friend is not willing to stand on the sidelines as you try to establish an intimate relationship, they are essentially sabotaging your relationship whether it is intentional or not.
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 51
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/11/2011 2:09:42 PM
Some of you seem(yes, even the OP) to be missing the point that this boyfriend HAS NOT SEEN this woman in 3 YEARS and that they are only communicating by phone!!! I honestly do not see a problem here other than the OP is having trust issues and will most likely sabotage the relationship.

If the guy was actually seeing this woman and blowing the OP off to see her, then yes there would definitely be a problem. But that does not seem to be the case here.

I, too, wonder what the OP would think and say if her boyfriend had snooped in her phone and found she was talking to another guy.
 rising122458
Joined: 6/12/2011
Msg: 54
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/11/2011 5:13:39 PM
My best friend in the world is a girl. We "love" one another in the way that best friends do and tell one another so. There is no one I am closer to and it is the same for her. Our hope for one another is that we each find that person who we each love (and who loves us) even more. There is no interest in any other kind of relationship between us and NEVER has been. Any person I begin to date, who suggests I end the friendship, will be gone instead. Some friendships SHOULD be set aside in the interest of a relationship. This friendship isn't one of them and the person/relationship I seek won't ask for that.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 55
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/11/2011 5:27:28 PM
Loverflower said it best.

The no personal contact for 3 years thing is a deciding factor.


If the guy was actually seeing this woman and blowing the OP off to see her, then yes there would definitely be a problem. But that does not seem to be the case here.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 56
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/11/2011 6:15:44 PM
my boyfriend has a best friend who is female...he hasn't phyisically seen her in 3 years


The OP's statement doesn't make sense. The boyfriend has a best friend that he hasn't seen in 3 years and neither one made any attempt to get together within that time? Did the guy actually tell the OP that the girl he texted is his best friend, or is the OP assuming it? The idea of not making any attempt to see a best friend in three years doesn't sound right, unless there's really unusual circumstances. Is this best friend living far away and/or is married or has been in a committed relationship in the last three years? I think finding out why he has never made an attempt to see her in three years will explain a lot. It's always possible he could be lying about it and last saw her three weeks or three days ago.

If the OP is suspicious for whatever reason (women always say "My intuition is never wrong"), the best thing to do is ask the guy if it's OK to talk/text the "best friend" to get her side of the story.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 57
view profile
History
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 12:14:04 AM

Any person I begin to date, who suggests I end the friendship, will be gone instead.

This is the best understanding in a nutshell OP, and for the kids listening at home.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 58
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 6:06:18 AM

Your best friend/confidante has to be the person you are forming a relationship with.

If my fiancee wanted to be my best friend, she'd be asking me to demote her and discontinue our romantic relationship. I don't have a sexual interest in my best friend. I think it's very weird to equate the two things.
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 59
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 8:36:02 AM
I don't think this is a case of you're right/you're wrong , it's a case of :

Can you deal with it or not ?

If not, find someone who doesn't have a female best bud.

Otherwise I foresee a lot of resentment building up.

Simple.
 unYOUsual
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 60
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 9:12:51 AM
When Harry met Sally....thing is usually when men and women are "best" friends it's is because one or the other turned the other one down for a serious relationship..If they are truly friends then she should be open about her contact with him and you all three should do things together or hang out....
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 61
view profile
History
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 10:37:43 AM

get a male friend (brother!) to start texting you, you dont have to tell him who it is... see how he reacts.


Yeah.......cuz playing games is always a good way to deal with an adult relationship
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 62
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 11:14:52 AM
I judge people on thier actions and how they treat me. If I were dating a a man who had a female Best Friend, as long as there was nothing 'secret' and I was invited to tag along, I wouldnt care one way or the other. I would react negatively if I was not invited to meet his male friends as well as female friends...having/not having a piece of meat between the legs doesnt change what I expect from people.

In this case the OP says her fella hasnt even seen his female BF for 3 years. This is a non issue other than the fact the OP wants to control who her boyfriend communcates with. She is causing all her own drama. Dump him so he can date a mature woman, not a jealous little girl.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 66
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 3:19:52 PM
Like I said in an earlier post, I wonder if the female in question is a best friend or just an acquaintance/former girlfriend. Most people don't let three years go by without seeing their best friend, even if they don't live in the same city. Best friend could have been added to add spice to the story or to add support to the OP's story.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 67
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 5:13:15 PM
Personally, I have no problem with someone I'm with having female friend(s) or even a female best friend. Actually, my experience with men who have female friends is that they're a lot more attuned, they tend to be good partners.
What you're dealing with OP is insecurity. Don't feel you're alone, it's rampant, even among the non-single. What you're concerned about is that if she really IS a friend.
You realize this man had a life before he met you, people he's known and had involved in his life. Accepting him fully and being with him means accepting that, not that you have to like or get along with all these people, but not expecting him to rewrite his whole history now that he's met you. Same goes for you, how would you feel if he expected you to dump all your friends? It just builds resentment, and is the death knoll for a relationship.
What does cause concern is that he's keeping this friend secret. I'm very much one for full disclosure, if I do become involved with someone, they will have access to all my email accounts. There are reasons to have privacy, but if that's someone you're involved with, it shouldn't be a problem. People lie and hide things for reasons, none of which are anything that contributes, supports or builds a healthy relationship.
It's the same advice you've probably heard, this is something you need to discuss with him. Not when you're ticked off, just when you can ask him as something to talk about, without being defensive, insecure.......I'm passed being amazed that people who are "involved" will want to "talk to" anyone else EXCEPT that person they're involved with. If you don't feel like you can, that's a red flag that this is not a healthy relationship. If he can't reasonably explain why he hasn't said anything, there could be an explanation, so give him a chance. Either explore your insecurities, or don't date men that have female friends.
 pretzelman60
Joined: 9/27/2011
Msg: 69
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 7:05:36 PM
(MY) bf has a best friend who is female how do( YOU) handle it? I don't handle it at all. It's YOU"RE problem, not mine.


JMO
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 79
view profile
History
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 5:24:49 PM

first let me say i trust him 100%
im not jealous


Clearly not the case. 100% not the case. Honestly if it was then you would have 0% reason to have issue with his friend.


she told me he left his fiance for her

Who said how to what?
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 82
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 6:10:55 PM
chef2fun- This sounds like waaaaaaay to much drama to deal with.
It's ok for them to be friends, IF they are JUST friends.
What you are describing sounds like an obsession on her part.
You've told your boyfriend how you feel, he knows she's sending you these awful text messages and yet he stays in contact with her, knowing how you feel and how she treats you.
The handwriting on this wall is cast,I'm afraid.
You wouldn't have started this thread if your instincts weren't telling you the truth already. Leave him and move on to someone who respects you and your feelings.
I would not tolerate ANYONE treating someone I loved this way. If a friend put me in the position of choosing the person I love or their friendship, I would choose the person I love.
You seem like a good person and you deserve better.
(although I will say, it is NEVER ok to snoop by reading his texts, if you distrust him that much, and you do for good reason, again, move on)
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 84
view profile
History
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 6:41:50 PM
I have seen this happen countless of times. You can have an acquaintance of the opposite sex, or a good friend. But when BFF starts to be thrown around involving the opposite sex of hetero invididuals it is justifiable for people to be suspicious. Insecurity does not project from those questioning such deep friendship, but rather the insecurity that involves a male and female being BFF. Why? One of the parties is highly likely seeking something more.

The first two pages of this forum is littered with threads talking about if men and women are able to be attracted to someone over time, or if you find your lover starting off as friends first. This is what fuels BFF relationships of the opposite gender whether it is admitted or not.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 85
view profile
History
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 6:51:57 PM
So in a nutshell you are saying..

since sometimes opposite-sex friendships evolve into more then friendship, one should never have a friendship with the opposite-sex other then their partner.

I am utterly amazed more then 1 person in this thread feels this way.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 86
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 7:30:55 PM

I've recently split with a narcissist, he was triple timing and more. He told each of us that we were all just friends..

Did you just split with my ex???? I can't even recall how many "we're just friends" he had while we were together. Because I have male friends, I thought nothing of this ~ for a while. And then? Ahhhh, the things I learned and the lies I uncovered and the truths that I discovered make my skin crawl today. There is a rare special breed of azzhole who use the "we're just friends" in order to fulfill their lagging character with women (and yes, I'm sure there are women who do this as well.) I wish those types had disclaimers tattooed on their butts. That would have saved me some time, effort, energy and a whole lot of "WTF?????????"s.

~OT~ I've never given much thought to male/female friendships because I have my men friends that are truly just platonic friends. Several of these people are ex's of mine that were once more than platonic and so I guess I just expect others have this situation. Today? Even though I was clearly blind-sided by someone who was VERY deceptive about his "friends" ~ I would be OK with someone new in my life having female platonic relationships (even their ex or ex's.) I can't see judging all men simply because I allowed a creep into my life for a while. That makes no logical sense to me. JMO
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 88
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 9:48:12 PM
I've been working from home. I write, but having the TV on is background/distraction. Yeah I know, but after watching Steve Wilkos and ehh....yeah Springer...ugh...it's so..SAD. The indiscriminate, casual sex..if it's consenting adults....whatever, there are so many children being born, where their parents are on TV, finding out who's the baby daddy. How does this relate to the topic? Most often, someone has an instinct or suspicion, which they ignore, or do whatever they do because they want things to turn out how they want it to with ALL THE EVIDENCE to the contrary. We were all born with instincts and a mouth, so ask, speak up and lacking that, if you chose to ignore your gut, it's there for a reason. Without communication, open and honest that's all you have to work with. Let me know when this will be in Springer, it has all the hallmarks, I'll set my DVR.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >