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 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 61
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my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle thisPage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

get a male friend (brother!) to start texting you, you dont have to tell him who it is... see how he reacts.


Yeah.......cuz playing games is always a good way to deal with an adult relationship
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 62
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 11:14:52 AM
I judge people on thier actions and how they treat me. If I were dating a a man who had a female Best Friend, as long as there was nothing 'secret' and I was invited to tag along, I wouldnt care one way or the other. I would react negatively if I was not invited to meet his male friends as well as female friends...having/not having a piece of meat between the legs doesnt change what I expect from people.

In this case the OP says her fella hasnt even seen his female BF for 3 years. This is a non issue other than the fact the OP wants to control who her boyfriend communcates with. She is causing all her own drama. Dump him so he can date a mature woman, not a jealous little girl.
 complex0ne
Joined: 10/7/2011
Msg: 63
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 11:38:39 AM
OP. YOU are on a dating site, your profile says you are single and looking for a relationship.....just sayin'...... How does the boyfriend feel about that?

Anyway, I didn't read through 3 pages of responses....but if he's not actually SEEING this person, and the relationship is good between you and the man...I don't see what the drama is. He has a friend, she happens to be a "she". *shrugs* He's dating you. Do you have reason to think he's unfaithful?
 YATO
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 64
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 11:58:05 AM
There's nothing to handle with them. I recommend that you get counseling as to why you're on a dating site when you have a boyfriend. Whatever is the source of that is probably the reason that you are questioning about your boyfriend and his female friend. If there is actual, and not perceived, evidence of infidelity by your boyfriend a good question would be "Why are you still in a relationship?"
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 65
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 2:26:10 PM

Azul: agree. It just doesn't work well... Your best friend/confidante has to be the person you are forming a relationship with. Not many women/ or men would be comfortable with you sharing secrets and intimate/personal conversations with someone else...

If your best friend is someone of the opposite sex, then generally you are not ready to commit to a functional relationship with someone else.

I have friends of the opposite sex (male), but its a given if either of us are dating, we as friends are put on a back burner so they can concentrate on the present relationship. If it is not open and upfront, then its not right.

Very few can make this work... those that say it can may not be the most reliable people, and are probably BS.


I don't know. I find few things in life more rewarding than having my girlfriend discuss our sex life and other issues with her male friend (who in some cases may be a former lover).

I see a lot of people saying things like: "I would never dream of giving up all my ex-lovers or opposite-sex friends or reducing time with them to be with my significant other!" And then add, almost as an afterthought - apparently not seeing any connection - "Because I've found that my SO's come and go, but friends are forever."
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 66
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 3:19:52 PM
Like I said in an earlier post, I wonder if the female in question is a best friend or just an acquaintance/former girlfriend. Most people don't let three years go by without seeing their best friend, even if they don't live in the same city. Best friend could have been added to add spice to the story or to add support to the OP's story.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 67
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my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 5:13:15 PM
Personally, I have no problem with someone I'm with having female friend(s) or even a female best friend. Actually, my experience with men who have female friends is that they're a lot more attuned, they tend to be good partners.
What you're dealing with OP is insecurity. Don't feel you're alone, it's rampant, even among the non-single. What you're concerned about is that if she really IS a friend.
You realize this man had a life before he met you, people he's known and had involved in his life. Accepting him fully and being with him means accepting that, not that you have to like or get along with all these people, but not expecting him to rewrite his whole history now that he's met you. Same goes for you, how would you feel if he expected you to dump all your friends? It just builds resentment, and is the death knoll for a relationship.
What does cause concern is that he's keeping this friend secret. I'm very much one for full disclosure, if I do become involved with someone, they will have access to all my email accounts. There are reasons to have privacy, but if that's someone you're involved with, it shouldn't be a problem. People lie and hide things for reasons, none of which are anything that contributes, supports or builds a healthy relationship.
It's the same advice you've probably heard, this is something you need to discuss with him. Not when you're ticked off, just when you can ask him as something to talk about, without being defensive, insecure.......I'm passed being amazed that people who are "involved" will want to "talk to" anyone else EXCEPT that person they're involved with. If you don't feel like you can, that's a red flag that this is not a healthy relationship. If he can't reasonably explain why he hasn't said anything, there could be an explanation, so give him a chance. Either explore your insecurities, or don't date men that have female friends.
 pretzelman60
Joined: 9/27/2011
Msg: 69
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/12/2011 7:05:36 PM
(MY) bf has a best friend who is female how do( YOU) handle it? I don't handle it at all. It's YOU"RE problem, not mine.


JMO
 trucarer
Joined: 9/24/2011
Msg: 70
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 3:34:23 AM
I've recently split with a narcissist, he was triple timing and more. He told each of us that we were all just friends..
Some people need to have an issue with trust because some guys are not trustworthy.

He said you can meet her, my ex would say this too.. he may be bluffing so tell him you want to meet her, if he doesn't follow it through leave him, if he does enable you to meet her.. make your position very clear.

All the best x
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 72
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 3:57:20 AM

I've recently split with a narcissist, he was triple timing and more. He told each of us that we were all just friends..
Some people need to have an issue with trust because some guys are not trustworthy.

He said you can meet her, my ex would say this too.. he may be bluffing so tell him you want to meet her, if he doesn't follow it through leave him, if he does enable you to meet her.. make your position very clear.
Just because YOUR guy was a pig don't mean it's the same situation with the OP. Learn from what happened lady, make adjustment, then put it behind you and MOVE ON. I am getting the impression that EVERY man who crosses your path from now on will be paying the tab for your cheating ex. How can any relationship survive under those circumstances?

Give the next man you meet a clean slate.Clean of all the garbage done to you by men in your past. Let him write his own history with you on that slate. Anything else is doomed to failure and you might as well start visiting pet stores because you are going to be needing lots of cats.
 trucarer
Joined: 9/24/2011
Msg: 74
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 4:21:51 AM
You are right Procolharem, (I only read the op's original post) sorry op!! I wouldn't worry at all in your situation.. and don't leave him over that :)
She is hardly a threat
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 77
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 5:14:00 PM
well got a chance to conversate with her and wow the arogance and unwillingness to see that im okay with the relationship they share and then a personal attack my my my he did end the friendship im hoping he doesnt resent me later
Maybe she is a very intelligent woman and can tell when smoke is being blown up her back. Any moron can see that you are not ok with the relationship. If you were you would not feel the need to be talking to a woman your bf have not seen in 3 years. Your bf must be quite clueless because for the love of all things holy I can't see a man with a drop of sense not booting you to the curb. Now you have him dumping his best friend because you are just so damn insecure. The ultimatum would have been enough for me to tell you to get to walking. You snooping in my phone would have just been icing on the cake. Either way I would have been singing "Your boot are made for walking, so get to stepping " until you got all the way out of my sight never to be heard from again.
 makgoby
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 78
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 5:19:13 PM
There's nothing for you to handle besides to end it. Imo, you should be his best friend. Relationships work out so much better when that's the case.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 79
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my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 5:24:49 PM

first let me say i trust him 100%
im not jealous


Clearly not the case. 100% not the case. Honestly if it was then you would have 0% reason to have issue with his friend.


she told me he left his fiance for her

Who said how to what?
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 82
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 6:10:55 PM
chef2fun- This sounds like waaaaaaay to much drama to deal with.
It's ok for them to be friends, IF they are JUST friends.
What you are describing sounds like an obsession on her part.
You've told your boyfriend how you feel, he knows she's sending you these awful text messages and yet he stays in contact with her, knowing how you feel and how she treats you.
The handwriting on this wall is cast,I'm afraid.
You wouldn't have started this thread if your instincts weren't telling you the truth already. Leave him and move on to someone who respects you and your feelings.
I would not tolerate ANYONE treating someone I loved this way. If a friend put me in the position of choosing the person I love or their friendship, I would choose the person I love.
You seem like a good person and you deserve better.
(although I will say, it is NEVER ok to snoop by reading his texts, if you distrust him that much, and you do for good reason, again, move on)
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 84
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my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 6:41:50 PM
I have seen this happen countless of times. You can have an acquaintance of the opposite sex, or a good friend. But when BFF starts to be thrown around involving the opposite sex of hetero invididuals it is justifiable for people to be suspicious. Insecurity does not project from those questioning such deep friendship, but rather the insecurity that involves a male and female being BFF. Why? One of the parties is highly likely seeking something more.

The first two pages of this forum is littered with threads talking about if men and women are able to be attracted to someone over time, or if you find your lover starting off as friends first. This is what fuels BFF relationships of the opposite gender whether it is admitted or not.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 85
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my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 6:51:57 PM
So in a nutshell you are saying..

since sometimes opposite-sex friendships evolve into more then friendship, one should never have a friendship with the opposite-sex other then their partner.

I am utterly amazed more then 1 person in this thread feels this way.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 86
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 7:30:55 PM

I've recently split with a narcissist, he was triple timing and more. He told each of us that we were all just friends..

Did you just split with my ex???? I can't even recall how many "we're just friends" he had while we were together. Because I have male friends, I thought nothing of this ~ for a while. And then? Ahhhh, the things I learned and the lies I uncovered and the truths that I discovered make my skin crawl today. There is a rare special breed of azzhole who use the "we're just friends" in order to fulfill their lagging character with women (and yes, I'm sure there are women who do this as well.) I wish those types had disclaimers tattooed on their butts. That would have saved me some time, effort, energy and a whole lot of "WTF?????????"s.

~OT~ I've never given much thought to male/female friendships because I have my men friends that are truly just platonic friends. Several of these people are ex's of mine that were once more than platonic and so I guess I just expect others have this situation. Today? Even though I was clearly blind-sided by someone who was VERY deceptive about his "friends" ~ I would be OK with someone new in my life having female platonic relationships (even their ex or ex's.) I can't see judging all men simply because I allowed a creep into my life for a while. That makes no logical sense to me. JMO
 Lolita_LeBron
Joined: 1/12/2011
Msg: 87
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 7:37:08 PM
I agree with carolann. I am really good friends with the wife of a friend that came up in the same neighborhood when I was a kid. It is like we are all family. She messages me from time to time and it is all good. She is secure with her husband and is not the jealous type. However, I know that if she felt like someone was a THREAT TO HER RELATIONSHIP with him, she would take care of it.

I also know of another guy who has a super best friend that is a woman. He has his significant other, and does not know just how much of a good friend this woman is with her man. It is so good that she will never tell the gf that her man creeps around on the down low. Of course, she has no idea that in this situation, she is putting herself in a wrong light by NOT making herself scarce. Sometimes, people don't realize that they hang around a couple so much, never giving them their privacy, that it will come off as them being up to something. In the case of the guy I know, there is. He messes with men on the side, and the best friend keeps his secret AND has been known to lie for him in the past.

im not jealous im just asking for a bit of respect from her to me

The fact that his relationship with this woman makes you feel uncomfortable says otherwise. You were going through his phone and you wouldn't have done so if you weren't just a tad suspicious about something. If you want her to respect you, you need to call her yourself and make your feelings known. If anything, I bet she already knows what is going on with you because your husband has probably told her something by now.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 88
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my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 9:48:12 PM
I've been working from home. I write, but having the TV on is background/distraction. Yeah I know, but after watching Steve Wilkos and ehh....yeah Springer...ugh...it's so..SAD. The indiscriminate, casual sex..if it's consenting adults....whatever, there are so many children being born, where their parents are on TV, finding out who's the baby daddy. How does this relate to the topic? Most often, someone has an instinct or suspicion, which they ignore, or do whatever they do because they want things to turn out how they want it to with ALL THE EVIDENCE to the contrary. We were all born with instincts and a mouth, so ask, speak up and lacking that, if you chose to ignore your gut, it's there for a reason. Without communication, open and honest that's all you have to work with. Let me know when this will be in Springer, it has all the hallmarks, I'll set my DVR.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 89
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 10:18:47 PM
^^^^^I agree. OP: you stick to your gut feelings about this.
your man needs to put you first.
he should try to make you comfortable about it or do something about her calls.
who is the woman in his life who he loves? YOU.
You are his best freind.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 90
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/15/2011 9:40:34 PM
I heard stories of the old days; when a best friend of the opposite sex became your husband, or your wife; and was your best friend for life; till death did you part. (and happiness, contentedness, and deep deep trust ruled the land, or at least, the home)

I think they may have rode terodactyls.

*sigh*

I wonder what it was like.

Sure sounds nice

And a terodactyl; they rode freaking terodactyls!!!! (How cool is THAT!?)

I used to have a POF female best friend...I really miss her too

 KratosSpawn
Joined: 10/24/2010
Msg: 91
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/16/2011 10:30:27 PM
This is why men and women can never just be friends except for special circumstances. Unless you date someone they are related to or she/he is unappealing but still a quality guy.....forget it! Someone is going to have feelings towards the other or naturally move into a zone that is beyond friends territory....because to be honest, females that i'm sincerely friends with...i talk to ff and on, very rarely....I might just check up to see how they're doing...maybe have lunch once in a while.....but beyond that nothing else will pop off.

I think you need to find out exactly what your bf's relationship is with this female and look into yourself to find out if you can handle this situation.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 93
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 12/9/2011 1:06:17 AM
My best friend is male. He has been my best friend since high school - over 30 years. During the course of our relationship I have been married and divorced, and he has been married once and is still married. I made him godfather to my children so that there would be a formal link between us forever :)

When I start dating someone, I have always told them about Gary. I talk about him quite early on (not the first few dates, but as soon as I know the relationship might be going somewhere). My stance is that he is very important to me and I would not give up, or lessen, or hide my friendship with him for anyone. If the man in my life doesn't like it, then that is his decision. I am not into game playing or petty jealousy, so either be mature and accept the friendship or we are not meant to be.

Having said that, if I was dating someone, and Gary came to visit (he lives interstate) I would do whatever I could to make sure my partner felt comfortable and at ease with the situation.
 PrettyFly4UhWhiteGuy
Joined: 9/4/2011
Msg: 94
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 12/9/2011 1:22:29 AM
Straight up. **** that sheit.
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