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 makgoby
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 78
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle thisPage 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
There's nothing for you to handle besides to end it. Imo, you should be his best friend. Relationships work out so much better when that's the case.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 79
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my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 5:24:49 PM

first let me say i trust him 100%
im not jealous


Clearly not the case. 100% not the case. Honestly if it was then you would have 0% reason to have issue with his friend.


she told me he left his fiance for her

Who said how to what?
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 82
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 6:10:55 PM
chef2fun- This sounds like waaaaaaay to much drama to deal with.
It's ok for them to be friends, IF they are JUST friends.
What you are describing sounds like an obsession on her part.
You've told your boyfriend how you feel, he knows she's sending you these awful text messages and yet he stays in contact with her, knowing how you feel and how she treats you.
The handwriting on this wall is cast,I'm afraid.
You wouldn't have started this thread if your instincts weren't telling you the truth already. Leave him and move on to someone who respects you and your feelings.
I would not tolerate ANYONE treating someone I loved this way. If a friend put me in the position of choosing the person I love or their friendship, I would choose the person I love.
You seem like a good person and you deserve better.
(although I will say, it is NEVER ok to snoop by reading his texts, if you distrust him that much, and you do for good reason, again, move on)
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 84
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my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 6:41:50 PM
I have seen this happen countless of times. You can have an acquaintance of the opposite sex, or a good friend. But when BFF starts to be thrown around involving the opposite sex of hetero invididuals it is justifiable for people to be suspicious. Insecurity does not project from those questioning such deep friendship, but rather the insecurity that involves a male and female being BFF. Why? One of the parties is highly likely seeking something more.

The first two pages of this forum is littered with threads talking about if men and women are able to be attracted to someone over time, or if you find your lover starting off as friends first. This is what fuels BFF relationships of the opposite gender whether it is admitted or not.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 85
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my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 6:51:57 PM
So in a nutshell you are saying..

since sometimes opposite-sex friendships evolve into more then friendship, one should never have a friendship with the opposite-sex other then their partner.

I am utterly amazed more then 1 person in this thread feels this way.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 86
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 7:30:55 PM

I've recently split with a narcissist, he was triple timing and more. He told each of us that we were all just friends..

Did you just split with my ex???? I can't even recall how many "we're just friends" he had while we were together. Because I have male friends, I thought nothing of this ~ for a while. And then? Ahhhh, the things I learned and the lies I uncovered and the truths that I discovered make my skin crawl today. There is a rare special breed of azzhole who use the "we're just friends" in order to fulfill their lagging character with women (and yes, I'm sure there are women who do this as well.) I wish those types had disclaimers tattooed on their butts. That would have saved me some time, effort, energy and a whole lot of "WTF?????????"s.

~OT~ I've never given much thought to male/female friendships because I have my men friends that are truly just platonic friends. Several of these people are ex's of mine that were once more than platonic and so I guess I just expect others have this situation. Today? Even though I was clearly blind-sided by someone who was VERY deceptive about his "friends" ~ I would be OK with someone new in my life having female platonic relationships (even their ex or ex's.) I can't see judging all men simply because I allowed a creep into my life for a while. That makes no logical sense to me. JMO
 Lolita_LeBron
Joined: 1/12/2011
Msg: 87
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 7:37:08 PM
I agree with carolann. I am really good friends with the wife of a friend that came up in the same neighborhood when I was a kid. It is like we are all family. She messages me from time to time and it is all good. She is secure with her husband and is not the jealous type. However, I know that if she felt like someone was a THREAT TO HER RELATIONSHIP with him, she would take care of it.

I also know of another guy who has a super best friend that is a woman. He has his significant other, and does not know just how much of a good friend this woman is with her man. It is so good that she will never tell the gf that her man creeps around on the down low. Of course, she has no idea that in this situation, she is putting herself in a wrong light by NOT making herself scarce. Sometimes, people don't realize that they hang around a couple so much, never giving them their privacy, that it will come off as them being up to something. In the case of the guy I know, there is. He messes with men on the side, and the best friend keeps his secret AND has been known to lie for him in the past.

im not jealous im just asking for a bit of respect from her to me

The fact that his relationship with this woman makes you feel uncomfortable says otherwise. You were going through his phone and you wouldn't have done so if you weren't just a tad suspicious about something. If you want her to respect you, you need to call her yourself and make your feelings known. If anything, I bet she already knows what is going on with you because your husband has probably told her something by now.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 88
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my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 9:48:12 PM
I've been working from home. I write, but having the TV on is background/distraction. Yeah I know, but after watching Steve Wilkos and ehh....yeah Springer...ugh...it's so..SAD. The indiscriminate, casual sex..if it's consenting adults....whatever, there are so many children being born, where their parents are on TV, finding out who's the baby daddy. How does this relate to the topic? Most often, someone has an instinct or suspicion, which they ignore, or do whatever they do because they want things to turn out how they want it to with ALL THE EVIDENCE to the contrary. We were all born with instincts and a mouth, so ask, speak up and lacking that, if you chose to ignore your gut, it's there for a reason. Without communication, open and honest that's all you have to work with. Let me know when this will be in Springer, it has all the hallmarks, I'll set my DVR.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 89
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/13/2011 10:18:47 PM
^^^^^I agree. OP: you stick to your gut feelings about this.
your man needs to put you first.
he should try to make you comfortable about it or do something about her calls.
who is the woman in his life who he loves? YOU.
You are his best freind.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 90
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/15/2011 9:40:34 PM
I heard stories of the old days; when a best friend of the opposite sex became your husband, or your wife; and was your best friend for life; till death did you part. (and happiness, contentedness, and deep deep trust ruled the land, or at least, the home)

I think they may have rode terodactyls.

*sigh*

I wonder what it was like.

Sure sounds nice

And a terodactyl; they rode freaking terodactyls!!!! (How cool is THAT!?)

I used to have a POF female best friend...I really miss her too

 KratosSpawn
Joined: 10/24/2010
Msg: 91
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 10/16/2011 10:30:27 PM
This is why men and women can never just be friends except for special circumstances. Unless you date someone they are related to or she/he is unappealing but still a quality guy.....forget it! Someone is going to have feelings towards the other or naturally move into a zone that is beyond friends territory....because to be honest, females that i'm sincerely friends with...i talk to ff and on, very rarely....I might just check up to see how they're doing...maybe have lunch once in a while.....but beyond that nothing else will pop off.

I think you need to find out exactly what your bf's relationship is with this female and look into yourself to find out if you can handle this situation.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 93
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 12/9/2011 1:06:17 AM
My best friend is male. He has been my best friend since high school - over 30 years. During the course of our relationship I have been married and divorced, and he has been married once and is still married. I made him godfather to my children so that there would be a formal link between us forever :)

When I start dating someone, I have always told them about Gary. I talk about him quite early on (not the first few dates, but as soon as I know the relationship might be going somewhere). My stance is that he is very important to me and I would not give up, or lessen, or hide my friendship with him for anyone. If the man in my life doesn't like it, then that is his decision. I am not into game playing or petty jealousy, so either be mature and accept the friendship or we are not meant to be.

Having said that, if I was dating someone, and Gary came to visit (he lives interstate) I would do whatever I could to make sure my partner felt comfortable and at ease with the situation.
 PrettyFly4UhWhiteGuy
Joined: 9/4/2011
Msg: 94
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 12/9/2011 1:22:29 AM
Straight up. **** that sheit.
 playfulpete
Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 95
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 5/10/2012 4:08:09 PM
Put the shoe on the other foot,what if you had a male best freind.If he were to act like this you would call him jealous.If you think you are going to get hurt again and don,t like him having a female best freind,then dump.I don,t know what else to say.
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 96
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 5/10/2012 4:42:29 PM
I hope you talk to him directly and figure it out. Wishing you well.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 97
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my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 5/10/2012 5:22:51 PM
1. A straight guy who has a woman as a best friend either is banging her, used to bang her, or wants to bang her.
2. He will "let" you speak with her? Really? That's damned sporting of him, I'd say! I can't imagine dating someone if I have to get permission to speak to someone.
3. You snooped through his texts. You don't trust him, regardless of whether he's trustworthy or not. Break up with him. It's over.
 surfaceofficer
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 98
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 5/10/2012 5:48:27 PM

my boyfriend has a best friend who is femalle and i dont know how to handle this she send him texts that he doesnt know that i have read where she is proclaiming her love for him and thanking him for having her back and for keeping my secrect I told how this made me feel and that i feel threatined by her he told me that he will let me speak with her that she is not a threat just a really good friend who has been there for him and he has been there for her they have never had a relationship at all what do i do where do i go
they seem to talk e=when he isnt home or around me i have been hurt befor e and dont think i can be hurt again


If you are with a man whom you cannot trust 'not to cheat on you', than I believe that to be the baseline problem...not this friend.

Understand that if you are with a man who is of a mind to cheat...moving one woman or another around the field won't stop him from playing the field.

This is something that you should address with him, but I don't suggest doing something drastic (like giving him an altamatum). That will backfire. Make sure he's clear on your idea of faithfulness (if you guys are even that far into your relationship) and reaffrim him of your trust. Remember...if you don't trust him not to cheat; you are not only in competition with his "friend", but with EVERY woman out there.

Lastly, the brunt of your focus is best used in 'pleasing him' so completely that he doesn't think of venturing out. Contrary to popular assumption; most men who are pleased at home will NOT stray. However, even a GOOD dog that isn't fed adequeately is difficult to keep under the porch.

Good luck.
 TheCritic
Joined: 3/7/2011
Msg: 99
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 5/10/2012 5:50:25 PM
I got a few girlfriends who are close to me.. But I usually dont let that fact be too open to my partner untill much later on in the relationship when they are already into you so much that revealing that you got a couple opposite sex friends isnt going to break you up as it might be had you revealed this fact earlier..

I am never quite happy if my girl has male best friends it doesn't sit right with me at all, and that is an issue that SHOULD be addressed from the start by you man to make sure she gets rid of her close connections while you try to keep yours on the wraps!
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 100
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 5/10/2012 6:10:50 PM
Chef2fun usually i have no issue with opposite sex friends but if it is how you say it is with this woman then i too would have issues..

She doesn't allow your BF to mention you in their conversations??
She brags that he once left his fiancee for her??
She brags that he will drop everything and be there for her regardless of how you feel??
She told him that you were taking him from her??

Yep i would have serious issues with this woman, even if he hasn't actually seen her for a few years.. She sounds like a poisonous influence and if he won't get rid of her then i'd be getting rid of him...
 UniquelyPassionateCandy
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 101
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 5/10/2012 6:29:07 PM
I love my best friend and he is a guy...The whole idea is being open about it, and never ever putting the best friend ahead of the significant other, otherwise you can kiss your relationship goodbye.

But it sounds like there are already trust issues between you and your guy. I would have no problem introducing my guy to my best friend. Or sharing numbers, it says a lot...
 frijolera_ninja
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 102
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 5/10/2012 7:53:13 PM
Im too lazy to go through 5 pages did she dump him yet?
 NeedYourArms
Joined: 4/29/2012
Msg: 103
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 5/10/2012 7:57:31 PM
You're spot on with that, girl!
 photoslik
Joined: 5/8/2012
Msg: 104
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 5/12/2012 12:33:46 PM
......................i agree!!! trust, is the key to any relationship, have it or move on!!
 DeerTaint
Joined: 4/3/2012
Msg: 105
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 5/12/2012 12:41:24 PM
Most of my friends are male. I enjoy men as friends more than I do women. A lot of guys are easier going than most women. I would never think of coming between any of their relationships. This has nothing to do with the woman that is your boyfirend's best friend. It has to do with you not trusting your boyfriend. Which you shouldn't be with then. Don't blame other women for your insecurities.
 bullie62
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 106
my bf has a best friend who is female how do you handle this
Posted: 5/12/2012 1:10:09 PM

Im too lazy to go through 5 pages did she dump him yet?

LOL

OP: If you're even reading this thread anymore..... The insecurity lies within yourself, not anywhere else.
If you don't trust HER, and she's already said she'd move on, hasn't seen your guy in three years and you trust your man,
then the problem lies in you.

My best friend is a guy. If he were to become seriously involved with a woman, I'd step back some, wouldn't declare that I love him via text and would hope to have the respect of his lady at some point. That said, I'd also realize that I would no longer be HIS best friend... that would be HER now.

Respect in a relationship is a two way street honey, and you seem to want to walk on both sides and make all the rules. tsk tsk...




bullie~
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