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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 twelfth_dimension
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 14
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
My thoughts are that he has the right to see whomever he wants at this stage of the game.
However, my feeling is that if a guy said that to me on a second date, it would be our last.

This information would kill any romantic feelings I may have been developing for him, and replace them with anxiety and dread. I do not want to feel like I'm playing second fiddle to some other woman, it just takes all the fun out of it for me.

When I'm dating someone, I want to feel special, and I certainly don't want to feel like dating him is some kind of competitive sport.

My experience is that if a guy is really into you, he is not going to tell you about other women. In fact, if he is seeing other women, he will immediately proceed to cut those ties so he can focus all of his energy on you.

So, my advice to her would be to move on to someone else who will put her first, not leave her languishing in the sidelines.
 jt guy
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 15
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/12/2011 2:58:54 PM
I have a number of women tell me the same thing the OP was told. My reaction is to tell the lady, okay, what will be will be, but deep down I take charge of the situation and tell myself if she ever does call me she will be wasting a call.

Most of the time after a nice dinner is over the lady tells me she is seeing other guys. It makes me feel like I have been taken advantage of. Why can't she tell me up front, before the date she has other guys she is interested in. If they did that I would never meet them to begin with.

So, OP...with internet dating, and many people wanting to trade up to a better model, I would want to be sure the other person was not playing the field before I invested time or energy into meetings.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 16
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/12/2011 3:22:15 PM

It sounds like the guy is in a no-win situation. The girl and guy had a meet-and-greet and one date, never had the "exclusive" talk, and yet she's not happy that he might/will meet another woman.


I agree!

Anyone who is worried about not getting "picked" after seeing a guy twice falls perhaps a bit too hard and too soon.

She doesn't have to wait around to see whom he will pick: her fate is hers to decide. If she doesn't like the situation, she should tell him and then not see him again.

I wouldn't go to a guy's house if I had met him only once.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 17
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/12/2011 3:23:41 PM
In my mind unless both partners have an agreement that they are exclusive, they're free to do whatever. Big ups to the guy being honest but never expect anything from dating unless there is an agreement.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 18
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/12/2011 4:24:06 PM
I don't compete for women.
So when hearing that I just date another girl.

I take the dating others as a lack of romantic interest in me.
so I'll put her in my Friend's list and move on.
I'm not offended or anything.

If I am still single down the road...
and if she has later wised up(LOL)...
maybe we will date then.

But as a general rule for me:
If a girl aint feeling it in date two,
no need for a third one.
She SHOULD date other guys.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 19
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/12/2011 6:45:57 PM
That's a load of bollocks. People are going to multiple date, like it or not. If someone is really into you they cut off the options slowly but not right away, if not and they up and tell you that they're seeing someone else, they were never really THAT into you in the first place. Unless the 2 people agree on being exclusive then have a lil party but nothing is guaranteed unless an agreement is made. And no one is going to want to be exclusive after a second date. I'd be seeing all them females/males kick down the door running if anyone wanted to be exclusive with them on a second date
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 20
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/12/2011 7:45:46 PM

Typically in the early stages, if two people are very interested in each other, the desire to spend as much time together as possible and focus on each other is present. An "I like you but not that much" wouldn't indicate that the man is overly interested""



My sentiments exactly...
How could it be otherwise?? When GENUINELY interested in somebody, no-one wants to date multiple people. And you only need ONE date to figure that out... sometimes not even one. If you don`t like them that much why keep dating them along with person x, y and z until you find someone you DO like?


I have a different take on how interest level should be shown in the early stages. Some of the men I've dated had high-profile jobs, and were highly sought-after by other women. I would never assume that I was the only woman these men were interested in after they asked me out once or twice. That would be very presumptive on my part. If these men asked me out a second time, I would read it as an "I like you, but I don't know you that well yet" rather than an "I like you but not that much", which is negative and defeatist.

Just because some people can only feel secure in dating one person at a time doesn't mean that their way of dating is the right way, and those who prefer to multi-date are wrong. It is just a different way to approach dating, and there can be both pros and cons to either dating style. I think you should do what's comfortable for you and seek out other people who are on the same page.

I believe you simply need to be completely honest with others from the beginning about your dating goals and expectations before you meet them in person rather than after two dates. That way, no one wastes their time, or gets their hopes up too high---only to be let down later.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 21
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Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/12/2011 8:13:38 PM
Have we gone too far by being honest? Seriously? I'm not in need of being lied to so I can like a guy and get to know him. I assume that early on in dating that I'm not the only one, in fact while I don't expect everyone to be dating more than one person, I do stay away from men who get so fixated on a person right off that they act like it's a commitment from day one. I don't normally date more than one person at a time, but that option is always open until you get more serious with each other. But when a man acts like dating more than one person at a time is some moral/character flaw, I know he has too many issues, I don't want any part of that.

I do get what you mean though OP, he didn't have to bring it up at all, it should be assumed early on that someone is dating others if they so choose. But so many get so bent out of shape if they aren't told right off...but those same people get bent out of shape for being told too, it's a no-win situation sometimes. Which is why I just stay away from men who get their boxers in a twist about such things.

Also, people act like dating more than one person is some new age thing, when in reality it has always been. Going steady was what was looked down on, you tend to make believe too much when you jump into a relationship right off. What is normal is to date people of interest, until you find one person you like so much you only want to date them (and hopefully they feel the same way) what is more new to the scene is all this pretend relationship right off the bat. After a while, a person has so many flings they call relationships that they don't have a clue to what the difference is between dating and being in a relationship exclusively. Kind of like if you eat all the time, you never know when you are actually hungry.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 22
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/12/2011 8:27:51 PM



I have a different take on how interest level should be shown in the early stages. Some of the men I've dated had high-profile jobs, and were highly sought-after by other women. I would never assume that I was the only woman these men were interested in after they asked me out once or twice. That would be very presumptive on my part. If these men asked me out a second time, I would read it as an "I like you, but I don't know you that well yet" rather than an "I like you but not that much", which is negative and defeatist.


Very well put!

What should a person on a dating site--or any situation--do if asked out on a first or second date? Put everyone else on hold based on one or two meetings? What if there were a third meeting and the two got to know each other better and decided that something was not working out?

I have had guys contact me on this site, exchange a few emails, then disappear with no explanation--I think most of us had that happen. Several of them contacted me weeks or even months later saying that they had met a woman and stopped corresponding with me because of her. When it didn't work out with her, they decided to see if I were still interested.

No, I wasn't interested, but NOT because they "picked" another woman over me; it was because they didn't take the time to tell me that they had met someone. On the other hand, before I even met one guy in person he told me that he had started telling women than he had "met" someone (me) and was concentrating on her.

Wha??? That is putting the cart before the horse, and we did not meet.

Give it some time.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 23
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/12/2011 10:16:20 PM
It has nothing to do with insecurity. Multi daters are great - to sleep with and avoid a relationship. They have no expectations - in theory anyway - so there's no expectations to meet, in practice.


It sometimes does have to do with insecurity---and a need to feel in control. And news flash: Dating multiple people is not synonymous with sleeping with multiple people.

Admittedly, there are plenty of women and men out there who are not looking for committed relationships, and have no qualms about multi-dating and sleeping with multiple partners. There are just as many others who multi-date while looking for a committed relationship---and do not become intimate until they have met the right person.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 24
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/12/2011 11:31:57 PM
I go with my nature as to dating.

It isn't a judgement call on others if they do it differently.
I simply go with what works for me.
After two dates I don't consider myself exclusive.
But if date 2 goes well I'm not really interested in meeting another woman at that point.

Dating one lady at a time is easiest for me.
I always date attractive women and can attract em.
We'd both have options.
Neither of us is desperate.
So interest level is important.

A girl that is as interested in me as I am in her,
is a better choice for me to date than a girl who is not sure.

Basically if we hit it off after date two with each other,
I'll stick with dating her if she feels the same.
Either of us can bail down the road if things don't work out.
And being single, obvious things haven't in the past.
But I can't date a crowd.... nor need to.....if the one is working out.

It isn't that I look down on a woman if she wishes to date others.
Just I can quickly find another girl to go out with.
So why wait on her?

Just my nature.
Others do it differently cus their nature as to dating is different.
no right or wrong way to it.
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 25
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/13/2011 4:05:04 AM
i agree with the other posters...why did she go to his house for a home-cooked meal on the 2nd date? Did she boink him? Was there some heavy petting? Kissing?/ Fondling? Your friend does sound desperate, needy, and clingy...maybe thats why he said what he said...or maybe he was just trash-talking to boost his ego.
If ur friend really likes him..i wouldnt let one statement ruin everything...she needs to hang a bit...get to know him better..but NOT at his house. Take into consideration, some guys like to brag, but they may be on seperate paths...she's maybe done the dating scene for awhile..and is ready to settle down...he, on the other hand is new to dating..and wants to stick his hand in the cookie jar for awhile.Timing is everything. I've met literally hundreds of women fresh out of a 20 yr. relationship or so that just want a 'friend'....sorry, but no go..i've got plenty of friends already...lol..
 flittery1
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 26
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/13/2011 4:29:56 AM
Seems to me, as I'm meeting a man from HERE, a DATING site, I would just automatically assume he's dating other women - at least at the beginning. If I have any interest in pursuing the relationship, I simply try and be as charming and enjoyable as possible, so as to push those other gals to the background. ;D

But seriously, I don't see getting offended that someone you just met on a dating site is possibly, I don't know...dating. If we've had the exclusivity talk and both agreed to it, then that's a totally different matter. Until then I say enjoy his company and get to know him well. There are ways to be sure that you're the only one on his mind when you're together - employ them. Once you've had time to really get to know him and development real feelings, just grab the bull by the horns and have a talk to see if he's on the same page. THEN you can expect exclusivity.

Another thought - dating around, is different from sleeping around.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 27
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Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/13/2011 4:54:20 AM
Second date. He doesn't even know her yet. I wouldn't call him a multi dater.
I think he should have kept this to himself. If they haven't been intimate I see no need to tell her. I know I would be uncomfortable after hearing this.
I've also tried to be honest like this in the past and never had good results. No one likes to be told that they're in a competition. Adults on a dating site should know that in the beginning they probably are not the only one someone is talking to.
I've spent many a second date at a man's home when he's offered to cook dinner for me. Great way to see how a person lives, how they treat a guest, how they cook! Never had a bad experience.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 28
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/13/2011 6:20:15 AM
Flittery and Five-marie,
You both nailed it on the head of what me chat about. First off it's a second date, you're not even committed yet. Yeah I'd be pissed off and stop the dating her if she was seeing someone before me and told me I was the next runner up after some next man being in first place, oh by the way here's your meal... Lol, wrap that meal up in a doggie bag or have leftovers for all I care but after hearing that I'm not sticking around. In my mind that already tells me she's not interested, and of course I'd walk the hell out of her house.

I would at least like to see how my date communicates with me and also to add body language, and communication is a BIG indicator of where things are going. If there is very little communication ( like talking to me every 2 days ) in the dating stages with me it ain't cutting it. I make myself very clear on what I am looking for in my profile.

If things are getting serious where people want to be exclusive there should be a talk about it or else their going to be some issues.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 29
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/13/2011 8:18:51 AM
A few of you got the point.
I know.....Could be in my wording or explanation or lack of info.
Got to love the forums for the different thought patterns.
How everyone reads the same post and takes out of it...different aspects.

It was only a 2nd meet...of course there was no "exclusivity" talk at this point.
My friend wanted me to clarify this point....She was at his place for dinner because he had been away for 2 months on a job and we(Canadians) had our Thanksgiving that weekend and he was looking forward to having his Turkey.
She never read anything into that.....about being an intimate invitation at all.
And "no" there was no boinking ! He was polite and a gent.. so she said.
She is not "needy".....they have both been on the dating site for a while...not novices.

K.....my point was it was a "buzz" kill to hear from him about a meet with another.(YES... he did have every right to be dating others).
It totally changed her thought pattern..towards him.
IMO....He didn't need to disclose it to her.
Made her feel...like she is in competition....deflated her ego.

Some have suggested...maybe, it was his way of getting rid of her or letting her down..
That doesn't make sense....why invite her at all then???
And God.....I am not saying she is devastated.... but it has disrupted her thoughts on even seeing him again..is all.
He was in the running for more...Now..probably not...
Lesson learned...Don't brag about your other dates...lol.

 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 30
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/13/2011 10:57:51 AM

For the people saying no romance on 2nd date...I want romance on every date! Romance does not mean sex!


You and me both!! Let's not open that can of worms.....bahaha
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 31
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/13/2011 2:04:02 PM

When the feeling is mutual, the mutual parties will naturally navigate towards each other, and guess what??? YOU WONT HAVE TO 2nd GUESS IF HE'S YOURS!!!!


She didn’t guess, and she didn’t have to guess. He told her there were other women in his life. No guessing involved.

Your post is harsh. If your apparent reprimand is so common sense, common knowledge, as your sarcasm implies, then he shouldn’t have opened his big mouth on date two and ruined everything.

He gets thumbs down.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 32
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Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/13/2011 2:45:55 PM
Timing is everything, and how you approach telling another that you enjoy them, but have a personal life still is a delicate matter.

To many think that if I am on a date with you, we are just seeing each other, and the past is now past forever, and I cringe at that thought process and philosophy. Many hear what they want to hear, and believe what they want to believe, no matter what you say, so, sometimes one must be specific with the other.

I have let others know that I am interested, enjoy them, but have others in my life that are a part of it in many ways.........friends, lovers, long distance, in town, on and on, and to eliminate all in my life, will take time and understanding on both sides. If one can not handle that, and work with each other on that, then they need to not allow themselves to become emotionally and physically involved with that person.

cd...............
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 33
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/13/2011 3:50:25 PM
Your post is harsh. If your apparent reprimand is so common sense, common knowledge, as your sarcasm implies

Which post was that??

A few of you got the point.
I know.....Could be in my wording or explanation or lack of info.
Got to love the forums for the different thought patterns.
How everyone reads the same post and takes out of it...different aspects.

This one...??? Guess...My tongue and cheek humour doesn't always come through.
Or maybe my frustration showed on trying to clarify certain things....rooky mistake...digging a deeper hole.....lol.

Seabreeze...I forget what I asked ...lol.
 seabreeze007
Joined: 8/29/2009
Msg: 34
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Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/13/2011 3:57:22 PM
I dont get the question...lol
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 35
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/13/2011 4:21:40 PM

Your post is harsh. If your apparent reprimand is so common sense, common knowledge, as your sarcasm implies

Which post was that??


No, hon, not you!

That portion of my comment was directed to the post I quoted…msg. 49.

Sorry about the confusion.
 Savona
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 36
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/13/2011 6:48:39 PM
"Holy crap, your description of sharing a simple meal just turned into sharing a family/national holiday together after two months of long distance separation and phone calls.
He obviously peaked her interest enough for her to keep in touch with him that long and share Thanksgiving dinner. Then he basically informed her that she was only one of a number of women that kept him company during his 2 months away?
My question would have been "Did your real girlfriend have plans with her family???"
What an ***hole."

I could not agree more than with carolyn all the way. So what. He is just ignorant that while he is spending time to get to know that he just starts to just basically cap on her. I can't stand men who are ignorant like this.

Ha if a men did this to me I would leave immediately. No dinner no explanation. Just see ya. If he asked why I would be leaving I would just start laughing.

Ignorace disguised as "sharing honesty". The old what did I do wrong. I was only being honest bull cap.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 37
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Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 2/2/2012 12:10:15 AM
It was not too long ago in history that men competed for the hand of a woman they hoped to marry. It was the custom. A woman could have many suitors and she chose from the pool of possible candidates for whom she thought would be the best for her. Dating was much more formal then. Now.. it's not so. Any time someone dates more than one person at a time they are labeled a "player" "multi -dater" or "insecure" .
Again a product of the ME ME ME mentality.

If someone is having fun dating so what? isn't it about finding the best possible partner?
Instead of being offended that someone is seeing others,should not the approach be (if you like the person) showing them why YOU are the best choice,rather than picking up your toys and stomping off? Communication can solve those problems one might run across,instead of assuming things and then being butthurt when your fantasy isn't what you envisioned.

Kudo's to the guy for being up front. Now a choice can be made.. She could pick up her toys and stomp off,or show why she is the better choice and if it progresses then talk about not seeing anyone else..

If you are not planning on hitting it out of the park,don't even bother stepping up to the plate!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 38
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 2/2/2012 9:53:12 AM

That's rather strange. Why would you want someone who doesn't inspire an emotional reaction in you? I don't know about you, but I can find plenty of people to feel blah about. There is nothing special about a yawner.

Because when I react emotionally to someone on a large scale I don't tend to be rational, and that's not good for anyone. I should at least be able to make sound choices. I should be hot for him, not delusional. There is a lot of balance between a huge emotional reaction, and yawning - I'm looking to stay in the middle ground, at least until I know who I'm dealing with (and vice versa). I don't think you really know a person for quite awhile after you meet them - so objectivity is a better way to go.
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