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 AUTHOR
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 12
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Is he just not that into me?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
you had a great thing and you pushed it....

have you ever heard the phrase..if it isnt broke dont try to fix it....well it wasnt broke...but it may be now
 twelfth_dimension
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 14
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 7:46:27 PM
If a guy wants to be in a relationship with you, he will know right away. The desire to be exclusive with you will not evolve over time -- it usually goes in the other direction. The first 3-6 months are the "passion" phase, and if there's no passion early on it's certainly not going to suddenly appear out of thin air later. What he wants is for you to *believe* there is relationship potential down the road so that you will continue to provide him with no-strings-attached sex, until someone else comes along that he does want a relationship with. When this woman finally materializes, he'll be gone in a flash, leaving you in the dust.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 15
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 7:47:04 PM
If I was sleeping with someone for 3 months,
I would want to know where this was heading.

Some of the answers on here are really strange.

That's three months!
You have a right to know where you stand.

So from what has happened
I presume he wants to just be fwb.
You have a right to know that
and decide accordingly.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 16
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 7:55:36 PM

If a guy wants to be in a relationship with you, he will know right away.


Yeah...he'd probably see you like four times a week, have no problem being generous with you and maybe surprise you with gift or something like that.

I didn't see where they WEREN'T exclusive. If he's even got one other lady on the line...he needs to lobby for an eight day work week.

Edit:

He's in a "relationship" with you. Let me give you a clue as to what he thought you were asking. "When are we going to set a date?"
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 17
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 8:00:17 PM
There is nothing wrong with wanting Exclusivity.. NOTHING wrong with wanting to be the Girlfriend.
If he wants to just hump and bump without any labels.. you have BEEN labelled.. Friend.. with Benefits!
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 18
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 8:08:11 PM
Op, Yes life is short but if in the 3 months that you were involved with him was your life better than what it would be looking for someone else? What guarantee will you have that the next person is in fact wanting a relationship with you?

My point is you were feeling nervous about the extent of your feelings for him and didn't want to risk being hurt at a later point but while you knew where you were coming from...he was clueless. It is like saying to a guy, hey do you really mean you want to like me? You caused him to doubt the ability of the two of you to be in a relationship cause basically you already were in one with him yet you didn't find it to fit the need you have for a relationship.

You weren't wrong to ask, but you have to understand your own motive for asking..you asked to avoid risk, to keep from falling..which in his eyes means you doubt something about the two of you together.

You had someone who really cared for you and vs letting him comprehend to himself your value you pressed for an answer to keep from getting hurt...he was just enjoying being with you and having you in his life.

A therapist once told my second husband and I, it wasn't that he didn't love me ...it was he didn't love me the way I wanted to be loved...that as long as you are willing to continue to look for concrete answers in other people's feelings you will find new questions.
 twelfth_dimension
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 20
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 8:49:19 PM

He's in a "relationship" with you. Let me give you a clue as to what he thought you were asking. "When are we going to set a date?"


Nothing like frank distortions of someone else's words to fit your own preconceived notions and over-generalizations about women, etc. -- then trying to pass this off as some universal truth to justify saying "no" when you meant to say "yes" to the actual question that was asked. Hence "yes" we are in a relationship but I am going to say "no" we are not because I think your question was some kind of weird female Newspeak for "when are we getting married tomorrow" and I want to cover my azz.

Wow, for a second there I thought I had entered some Orwellian universe where 2 + 2 = 5 and we have always been at war with East Asia.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 22
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 8:59:51 PM

you want exclusivity then ask for it, if he doesn't follow move on ... Maffers


Agreed.
Let's get at it.
That will solve the dilemma.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 23
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 9:19:35 PM

Nothing like frank distortions of someone else's words to fit your own preconceived notions and over-generalizations about women, etc


Excuse me. I wasn't talking about women at all. I was talking about him.



then trying to pass this off as some universal truth to justify saying "no" when you meant to say "yes" to the actual question that was asked. Hence "yes" we are in a relationship but I am going to say "no" we are not because I think your question was some kind of weird female Newspeak for "when are we getting married tomorrow" and I want to cover my azz.


And you think this was not a possibility? You would find it more likely that the guy is spending at least four days a week with her, surprising her with gifts, treating her to all of their activities and...let me guess...implied Saturday nights...all for just a piece of azz.


I find that unlikely. I find it equally unlikely that he would tell her something that would cause her to withdraw said "piece of azz" if that was all he was looking for.



I can't speak for anybody else but I am long past fuking just for the sake of fuking. If I don't see any long term potential then it aint happening. The minute I think it's not going to work between us is the minute I stop getting naked with you. So if I continue to see you it means I continue to see a potential for us long term.


<img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0> +1 You may speak for me on this one.

And OP's bf doesn't sound the type either from the way she described him.

Bottom line...said over and over...if it isn't working tell him wtf you want. If you don't get it...move along.

Edit:
If you tell or imply the one you're in a relationship with that you are not happy/satisfied...they will likely step up...or step off.

If a guy/gal is giving all they can in a relationship...and the other poses a question that leads them to believe that they are not satisfied and needs not being met...they will probably step back or step off.

There's nothing wrong with letting your partner know that he/she isn't cutting it. Just be prepared for the solution that best rectifies that.
 twelfth_dimension
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 26
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 9:50:51 PM

Excuse me. I wasn't talking about women at all. I was talking about him.


Can't believe I have to explain this one.

Her words:

I brought up the "where is this going" conversation.


Your distortion (aka his "interpretation"):

Let me give you a clue as to what he thought you were asking. "When are we going to set a date?"


Can't get any more straightforward than that.
If you weren't distorting her direct question "where is this going", then whose was it?
Did he ask this question or did she?
Is she a woman?
Which group of people is stereotypically always seeking marriage from men?
What year is it again?


And you think this was not a possibility? You would find it more likely that the guy is spending at least four days a week with her, surprising her with gifts, treating her to all of their activities and...let me guess...implied Saturday nights...all for just a piece of azz.


No, I don't think it's a possibility that he really wants a relationship but said he didn't.
How do I know this?
Experience. With men. Multiple men.
You don't have experience dating men, I assume.
I do.
Case closed.

Yes, a guy will spend four days a week with you
Buy cheap little trinkets to win you over
Tell you that he wants a relationship "some day"
But not now.
All for a piece of azz.
How do I know this? The hard way.
I was young and stupid once
And have the Cold Hard Experience to prove it.
Do you?
Again, no.
The End.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 27
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History
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 9:51:25 PM
It's only been 3 months, he's not ready to do more than enjoy dating you, relax and don't sabotage it. You are just getting to know him, why the rush?
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 28
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 10:02:59 PM
It kind of amazes me that two people can spend 3 months together seeing each other up to 5 times per week and never exchange any usefull information on what they mean to each other no cards, no letters, no texts, emails.

How about you OP if your guy is so slow to show his feeling other than picking up the tab and spending time with you, have you tried to get the ball rolling by expressing how you feel towards him?
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 29
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 10:06:43 PM




Experience. With men. Multiple men.

And have the Cold Hard Experience to prove it.


This is all the explanation I needed to understand.


You don't have experience dating men, I assume.


You assume correctly. The only qualifying experience I have...is being one.

You don't have experience being a man, I assume.
 army3
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 30
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/14/2011 10:24:25 PM
what I see is one of a few different things:
1) He could be a play the field type guy. If you've known him for some time like you say, then you would know this.
2) Maby he just doesn't feel up to a rlp right now- guys get hurt too- we are all human.
3) Maby he's got something else going on with another woman that you don't know about- lots of variables and unforseens on this one.
4) Maby he's cought up in his job right now and doesn't want to send a mixed message by saying one thing and being forced to do another.

What it all boils down to is that he sounds like he's treating you the way you want to be treated, he's just not ready for strings for whatever reason he has. You got 2 choices- with or without strings. It sounds to me like he don't want them so if you feel you can deal with that, then maby you should cool it with the questions right now and see where things go. If not, then you might want to pull some distance into things and see what happens.
 GottaBSomethinMore
Joined: 8/30/2011
Msg: 31
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/15/2011 12:54:18 AM
Very intelligent response..... Listen, she has a very VERY good point!
 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 33
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/15/2011 2:03:47 AM
Seeing a person 3 months and now about 4 times a week... you ARE in a relationship. You haven't stated if you have an agreed exclusive relationship although you are being intimate together.

If you are looking for something more significant ... perhaps a life partner/committed relationship .... it's reasonable to want to know if it will be worth your ongoing investment of your time and emotions. Will it be safe for you to allow yourself to be in-love with him and risk being vulnerable? Perhaps you are ready to start a family. Does he feel the same?

So congratulations on making the effort towards communication rather than just presuming and assuming.

He seems to treat you well and his actions support that he enjoys the relationship as it is... yet sadly, it seems for you, he is not ready to move forward with the relationship.
One author (Harley) equates a relationship to Freeloading, Renting, or Buying a house. In your situation, he's a renter. Is he the right guy for you? If you are looking for a committed relationship, and he isn't, he is not the right guy for you and you will be frustrated in hoping he will just come around. How much do you want someone to buy in WITH you... or are you happy to stay renting indefinitely?

I'd think the choice is to enjoy it for what it is and maybe play it out for a while.... You could be doing a whole lot worse.... perhaps he may come around in time. But if you are looking for a life partner, at some point he has to be ready to move forward with you... or it's time to move on and be open to finding that person. A problem with waiting too long.. the more you emotionally invest in this relationship, the harder it will be to make that decision and his desire to commit just may not evolve...ever.

Perhaps it's time to pull back on the relationship.. not to be cruel, but to give some perspective. See each other less often. Perhaps limit the intimacy. That can be a tough one once you've crossed the Rubicon, so to speak.

The conversation is something like, "I really enjoy being with you. Yet I am at a time in my life when I am ready for a committed relationship. I am not trying to force you, because I want you to want to move forward with me. But if you aren't able or willing to be that person, I need to know sooner than later."

Often pulling the relationship back helps a couple decide that they do want to move forward. More often, if the desire to move forward is not there now, it won't be, and pulling back just helps ease you out of the relationship. If so, at least you will be free to find the person who is right for you.

It's not just his timeline that's important, it's yours too. Wisdom is in knowing when...
... and only you can make that decision for you.

Best wishes.


Now if all that really misses the point because you are cool with things as they are and commitment is no biggy.. then please disregard.
 BlueMirage
Joined: 10/3/2011
Msg: 34
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/15/2011 2:41:32 AM
" I wanted to make sure im not just wasting my time on him when I could be out seeing other people if a relationship isnt going to evolve between the two of us."

Him answering YAY or NAY isn't going to GUARANTEE anything anyway....so why bother? Why bother trying to define something that is undefinable, especially not after only 3 months. Stop trying to label it and just enjoy the ride. Nothing screams "SCARY" as these words "Where is this going?" You know why? Cuz most of us don't know where it is going! Just let it go. Take these words to heart and you'll be alright....."Don't threaten me with love baby, lets just go walking in the rain" Billie Holiday
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 36
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History
Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/15/2011 5:43:21 AM

i dont see what is wrong with the clarification the OP asked for.
jmo.


I don't see OP wondering out loud (asking that question)..however, it can't be answered by anyone here.

Did she rock the boat? Dunno..time will tell.
Does she has a valid reason to question their relationship? I think so..but not from anyone here.

She bounced it off her beau..didn't get what she was looking for, and wondered about it.

My advise..go with the flow for as long as it continues to be good for the both of them. I don't see any toxicity in the relationship. Mere words/descriptions of "relationship" may scare the beau..so..just go with what you got, see where it ends up.
 mrmisterme
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 37
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Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/15/2011 6:09:47 AM

No, I don't think it's a possibility that he really wants a relationship but said he didn't.
How do I know this?
Experience. With men. Multiple men.
You don't have experience dating men, I assume.
I do.
Case closed.

Yes, a guy will spend four days a week with you
Buy cheap little trinkets to win you over
Tell you that he wants a relationship "some day"
But not now.
All for a piece of azz.
How do I know this? The hard way.
I was young and stupid once
And have the Cold Hard Experience to prove it.
Do you?
Again, no.
The End.


I agree with revilors. Just because you dated men doesn't mean that you're better qualified to answer than a men. If I want to know how a woman will react to a certain situation, do I ask a woman or some guy who dated a million women?

As for your piece of azz comment, it only happened once to you (or so you say). If a guy only wanted a "piece", then that guy would have left after the first time. The Op mentioned that they were intimate more than once.

Sorry about your luck with men....maybe it'll get better.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 39
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Is he just not that into me?
Posted: 10/15/2011 7:35:48 AM
I think both parties are not ready for an exclusive relationship.

The man wouldn't commit to that label, and nursetrica78 did say she is keeping her options open with her POF profile.

In my view, three months, and meeting 4 times a week is pretty much an exclusive relationship at that point. I do not think it has to be announced, but it is clear that there is confusion.

I think nursetricia78 has done the right thing to communicate clarification about this.
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