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Show ALL Forums  > Off Topic  > why cant some men stand it when women cry?      Home login  
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 henley2011
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 26
Why cant some men stand it when women cry?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Well sir, most of the time when i'm crying in front of a man, that means i'm ready to kill his ass. I don't won't him to feel sorry for me. He needs to feel sorry for his self because he doesn't know what i'm thinking.
 bykalamo01
Joined: 10/11/2011
Msg: 27
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why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/15/2011 7:26:24 PM
Well i personally cant stand it when a woman cries. I just want her to stop and sometime it makes me weak while other times i just get pissed when i feel she is just seeking pity for something she put on her self.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 28
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/15/2011 7:30:29 PM
Mike:
For me it depends why and how often someone does it

Some women (and maybe men too) learn from a very early age that crying gets them attention or stops somebody chastising them so it becomes an almost involunatary response some of the time, but many can also turn on the waterworks at will to manipulate the situation

So the fact someone "is" crying to me really isnt that important, but WHY theyre crying is. And because of that sometimes and with some people I tend to find ot pretty tedious tbh

With others where its not so contrived and manipulative in nature its a different kettle of fish entirely
Almost exactly what I was going to say, although, from a female perspective, lol..

My sister cries like all the time, and she admits that she has used it to try to get her way. Because of that, her husband and grown son are now numb to it.

Whereas I very rarely cry around people. On the occasions that I did, I found them to be extremely warm and compassionate. Come to think of it, I don't think I have ever had anyone.. man or woman, walk away while I was crying.

Kalliana.. I really hope we aren't talking about who I think we are..
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 29
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/15/2011 8:16:02 PM

he has let me know that he would be/do whatever I needed, in the moment, should I hit an emotional brick wall again. When I read how most on this thread feel about a woman's tears...

Yes, I and many men would also do whatever you needed, in the moment also.. IF you told us despite your tears exactly what you wanted, that would help, so we wouldn't be expected to mind-read it and likely get it wrong/make you cry worse or lash out at us..
And if you don't think that ever happens, re-read the above responses..

Some of those crying ladies may be wantin to kill us.. So how are men to differentiate those that just want to be held from the wantin to kill?
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 30
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why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/15/2011 9:41:07 PM

Perhaps the men that can not stand it have been involved with woman that use the waterworks to manipulate them and try to get their way.

bingo.

it may sound strange, but in many ways, men's tears are easier to trust than women's. i know that for things to have gotten to that point, his world is coming apart.
 frijolera_ninja
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 31
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/15/2011 10:09:26 PM
I hate when women use tears to manipulate! Just drives me nuts I can only imagine how men must feel.

Cryin is for when your hurt, happy or someone you love is the same.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 32
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/15/2011 10:24:59 PM
thankyou to the men on here who replied that they would hold their woman and do whatever it takes to comfort her.

i think its fairly easy to distinguish real tears of hurt and pain over crocodile tears used to manipulate.

i can appreciate that some men dont know what to do so they walk out and leave the woman to herself. i have seen men cry and tried to comfort them. one wanted to be alone but the other wanted to be close to me.
maybe men are taught not to cry but they do. its a release of emotion.
woman cry more easily over things...they werent conditioned to hold back as much.
once i could not cry at all. i didnt cry for maybe around 10 years.
it was a relief to be able to cry again.
it seems to confuse men and they hate it, or feel uncomfortable and they wish the woman was not crying. especially if they know they were a part of causing the hurt feelings.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 33
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/15/2011 11:16:16 PM
i am going to go out on a limb here and guess that men don't like it when women cry because it is terribly annoying. and lets be honest here, it is annoying.
 modivin
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 34
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 12:58:37 AM
This is for everyone...

If the tears are serious, as in not crocodile tears ie fake tears......have you thought of this concept....

Its not about YOU!!! There are times when one person just needs the comfort of another person, not thinking about what to say or do next since the ONLY thing you should focus on is just being there WITH and FOR the other human being. Anything else, you are turning in to making about you which you shouldn't be in the first place.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 35
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 4:09:34 AM

but i have noticed that it makes many men very uncomfortable and they cant stand it to where they walk away.


I don't know about most men, but I always felt like I was being "manipulated", like someone trying to force me to care about them. As if I don't have other problems I have to worry about.

This particular thing only happened to me a few times.... Normally it was "waterworks" for something small and not that big a deal, meanwhile my @#$ is in the "ringer" and honestly I'm the one that should be crying....lol you see where I'm going with this.

Anyway everybody's situation is different but in my experience with women crying was they were crying over "small potatoes" so I didn't want to hang around while my biggest problems were piling up.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 36
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 4:34:28 AM

whoever makes Peppermint cry gets a headbutt from yours truly :-p ).


Awwwwwwwww What a noble man you are!!



So how are men to differentiate those that just want to be held from the wantin to kill?


You will know..Look in her eyes.
Is the body language like a cat ready to pounce ?
Let the woman reach out HER arm or give you puppy eyes..You may lose yours if you are wrong.


 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 37
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 6:20:29 AM
I do not think compassion and empathy can be learned. IMO those are traits that must already be there within the person to begin with.

I do think they can be un-learned. I think they can be suppressed and restrained.

Several years ago I lost my grandmother. When I was going to school there was a 4 hr gap between 2 of my classes so i would go over to her house and do her shopping for her and we would spend time together each day.

When she died I was not emotionally prepared for it and i emotionally lost control. It took a long time to recover from that emotional roller coaster.

I was just informed that my other grandmother is about to die. She has been ill for awhile now though and I think i have emotionally prepared for it.

I suspect my family would think I am cold and emotionless since i didn't drop everything and jump on a plane when I was told she only has a few days remaining since they put a DNR in place.

I think the difference between men and women on emotional issues is how we prepare for emotional disturbances in our lives.

I cry. It is very good at releasing stress and healing emotional discomfort. I prefer to be alone during that process however.

Many women are emotionally intense. I truly think that is why us guys love women so much. When I have had a girlfriend that got emotional needing a shoulder to cry on it seemed like their emotions are so intense that an emotional heatsink of sorts is what is needed.

Maybe in order for women to deal with those intense emotions that yall are capable of requires an extra body held close to dissipate the inner emotional turmoil.

I think back to my past relationships. The relationships that at some point the need for her to be held were a part of it seemed like there was a greater connection between us.

Kinda like due to sharing some situation that resulted in her needing to just be held for awhile, our relationship was stronger afterwards.

Just my observations. I think emotions are one of those things that are different between people.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 38
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why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 7:13:24 AM
Well, I have both witnessed and experienced a variety of responses to someone else's tears.
The subset of people who move away from the person crying, include several very different reasons. "Can't stand it" is actually a very vague description of someone's response. You really need to say "can't or doesn't want to stand it BECAUSE ______."

Best simple REASON why some people might LEAVE someone who is crying, but NOT do so because "they couldn't deal with it," are those of us who recognize from our OWN selves, that crying is often NOT a form of communication at all. It is a private reaction to a stressful situation, not requiring input or reaction from others at all. This is the reason why I do MY OWN crying in private.

It is therefore an INTERPRETATION on your part, to label the ones who leave you to your tears as being either callous, or as being uncaring, or as being "unable to stand it."
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 39
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 8:26:04 AM

Whereas I very rarely cry around people. On the occasions that I did, I found them to be extremely warm and compassionate. Come to think of it, I don't think I have ever had anyone.. man or woman, walk away while I was crying.

I have to agree with this. It's so rare that I cry that when I do people tend to stop and immediately help - it's so odd for them to see coming from me. This is not for lack of me trying to get them to evacuate when I felt it coming on, and apologizing profusely and telling people to PLEASE ignore me - crying around others really makes me uncomfortable and people who comfort me only tend to make my crying worse. My goal is usually to curb it and take it somewhere private, or end it depending on the situation.

I can understand WomaninProgress when she said this. In times of true grief(not manipulation) I wish I had that magic button that shut off my emotion in public or in front of anyone, for that matter...but I don't.

Exactly, CarpeOmnia - but don't you worry. I am diligently working on inventing one, and when I do, I'll send you what I come up with. : )

maybe men are taught not to cry but they do. its a release of emotion.

Oh I know they all do - as humans we have to cry, but most don't do it around others if they can help it, who needs to see it? Being programmed the same way, I will get up and leave if I can't do anything else when I do. There's always a bathroom or closet or something close by to walk into and get myself together. I tend also to see crying as a form of weakness, and I'll cut my own throat before I allow someone to see me in a weak position.

Its not about YOU!!! There are times when one person just needs the comfort of another person, not thinking about what to say or do next since the ONLY thing you should focus on is just being there WITH and FOR the other human being. Anything else, you are turning in to making about you which you shouldn't be in the first place.

Sounds real cut and dry, doesn't it? It's not. If you are raised not to cry and alarm the family unless you are bleeding from somewhere (when I was 5 I remember crying over something that scared me in the yard - everyone ran out of the house and literally checked me for blood, then told me never to freak them out like that again unless I saw some) you tend to see that as a total thing - you avoid crying around others so they don't have to figure out how to deal with it and you have a hard time knowing what to do when someone else cries because you were taught no one should unless it's dire.

You want to leave when someone starts crying because when you cry you don't want people around. It's a projection that's hard to separate consciously. If I stick around when you cry - I'll feel like I need to fix it, and will inevitably try to make it make sense, which is what I do with my own crying. "Why am I doing this, and what does it change?" I know most people don't generally want someone doing this to them in reaction to a crying spell they have.

I do not think compassion and empathy can be learned. IMO those are traits that must already be there within the person to begin with. I do think they can be un-learned. I think they can be suppressed and restrained.

Absolutely, in my case - I feel those things. What the heck to do with them, is another story. Comforting isn't something I learned as a way to express those feelings, so it seems fake and mechanical when I do it.

Several years ago I lost my grandmother. When I was going to school there was a 4 hr gap between 2 of my classes so i would go over to her house and do her shopping for her and we would spend time together each day.

When she died I was not emotionally prepared for it and i emotionally lost control. It took a long time to recover from that emotional roller coaster.

I'm dealing with this now. My mom really died fast, and she didn't want to die - and made it clear to us verbally and by what she did while in hospice. So most of the time I'm composed but certain things make me go into a tailspin - there are so many thoughts and emotions tied to it I just plain don't know what to do with. The best thing for me is to stay in a busy routine and just shelve it. When I try to examine it, it overwhelms me to a frightening degree and I'm afraid I'll never find my way out...so I have to avoid it.

Funny my sister and I, two girls who were raised to be poker faced, both cried for a few days straight as my mom declined in hospice. Necessary, but at the same time strange. My sister is worse than me about this - and I know she's "clogged" for lack of a better way to put it, so when I hug her and she stiffens - I stay there and make her deal with it because I know she needs it. When I tell her I love her (which I do more now since my mom went) she doesn't respond - and I stay in her face and tell her I know she hates it but I don't care - she's hearing it.

Best simple REASON why some people might LEAVE someone who is crying, but NOT do so because "they couldn't deal with it," are those of us who recognize from our OWN selves, that crying is often NOT a form of communication at all. It is a private reaction to a stressful situation, not requiring input or reaction from others at all. This is the reason why I do MY OWN crying in private.

This is sooo true. I don't want someone else to take it personally, or try to figure out what to do with it. It's just a lot simpler if I can cry alone - it requires no reaction from anyone else, and I don't have to worry about how anyone's taking it.

This reminds me of a couple close friends who said to me knowing my mom wasn't doing well and that she might pass "when you cry - don't try to analyze it...just go with it. It's not supposed to make sense. Just follow what your body and mind needs to deal with it." They know me well, I continue to do that everytime I get upset...it's almost impossible to just cry. I need to feel in control of something because crying is a helpless experience for me? Who knows.

This thread has been interesting for me. Apologies for being long winded though. Feel free to ignore me if you must. : )
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 40
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 3:05:53 PM
there are times i was at a dinner party and began to tear up so i would go into the bathroom. those people didnt know my situation so i would not call attention to myself and cry in their presense. i wiped my tears and came back smiling holding it all inside.
but what about when you are in a car with one person....how long can you sit and stare out the other window so they dont notice your tears?
or alone in a small cabin with them.
you cannot always find a place to hide yourself.

at those times i dont want anyone to fix anything....just to be there...just to be held for a few minutes. if someone doesnt want to be held they will usually ask to be alone.
maybe the other person said something that causes you to cry...
and they know it..
and so they dont know what to do about that.

i spent years not crying. i just had no tears to shed. when they came back, it was like a flood opened.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 41
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why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 5:44:39 PM
Personally, I feel comfortable communicating directly when someone cries in my presence. A basic asking what is wrong, or if I can help is the simplest. If someone explains they are just stressed, and that I need not respond, I can be "normal" while they get it out of their system.

I would think that pretending it wasn't happening would be a bit on the crude side.
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 42
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why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 10:17:15 PM
If a woman is crying ... I try to be gently comforting to her. However, if I see a man crying, I tell him to "grow a spine and quit making like an invertebrate".
 timetogo3223
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 43
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/17/2011 6:06:35 AM
Why can't some men stand it when women cry?

Simple: men no longer carry hankerchiefs, kleenix might not be at arm's length, and a sleeve is an important thing never to get snotty (and ties are out of the question as a nose rag).
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 44
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/17/2011 9:10:07 AM
Kailania:
it seems to confuse men and they hate it, or feel uncomfortable and they wish the woman was not crying. especially if they know they were a part of causing the hurt feelings.
Especially when they don't want the same things out of the relationship as you, have told you over and over that they can't give you what you need and feel as though comforting you while you cry would only open the door to you believing he somehow could... again?
 FyrKrakn
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 45
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 11/9/2011 2:05:58 AM
If a man has experienced emotional blackmail, he'll ditch at the first indication the tears might be some of that. If he's been taught he has to fix things for a woman, yet the woman gives him no means to fix the problem causing the tears, he'll definately be uncomfortable. If he thinks she, or the woman before, or women in general, is being over dramatic or does this too often, he'll become intolerant, impatient, or disregard her feelings and he'll want to be anywhere else.....and if he can't find a smooth exit, he'll be uncomfortable. If she just has bad timing, he'll be cranky. If he has no experience or little, or worse, most every experience has ended badly, he will be almost fearful.

I don't cry often. I've been caught at it once in awhile and it seems like friends and family make a big deal about it forever. I don't lose my temper often, and that, too gets talked about like it's a huge deal. I can't seem to express any emotion without becoming some significant event, this, because I do it so rarely.

So can women win in the emotion game? The ones who are too emotional are disregarded. The ones whorarely emotional are over-regarded. I suppose the only ones who get regard are those who have balance, moderation, who express when they are expected and never when it's inconvenient or inconsiderate to others.

I prefer to be left alone when I cry. If someone sees me, it's because they invaded my privacy or surprised me, or I'm so incredibly mad that their safety might be an issue. I can't imagine any man being comfortable around that.
 BrockLee74
Joined: 9/9/2011
Msg: 46
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 11/9/2011 8:52:29 AM
Google "womens tears". When I first started seeing these findings, I thought they were absurd. But I guess a lot of guys have a problem with crying women.
 sexyisback!
Joined: 9/14/2010
Msg: 47
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 11/9/2011 8:58:16 AM
SOME women are very good at faking the tears to manipulate, when they can't get their way through reason, logic, discussion, (of course, they are female..these concepts are strangers to most of them)) out come the waterworks, which strike most men defenseless, then the guy caves in (almost ALWAYS) and she WINS/gets her way
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 48
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 11/9/2011 9:59:01 AM

I don't cry often. I've been caught at it once in awhile and it seems like friends and family make a big deal about it forever. I don't lose my temper often, and that, too gets talked about like it's a huge deal. I can't seem to express any emotion without becoming some significant event, this, because I do it so rarely.

This sounds scarily familiar. Sounds like we may have a couple of the same family traits.

So can women win in the emotion game? The ones who are too emotional are disregarded. The ones whorarely emotional are over-regarded. I suppose the only ones who get regard are those who have balance, moderation, who express when they are expected and never when it's inconvenient or inconsiderate to others.

It'd be nice if more women (and some men) had this balance. Grief shouldn't be a grandstand or means to get attention - nor should it ever be to manipulate. And some people need to learn to stop and think before they go to pieces over things that frankly aren't that big a deal.

I prefer to be left alone when I cry. If someone sees me, it's because they invaded my privacy

Yep, same here. I almost never cry publicly - unless it's a huge deal, and even then I REALLY don't like doing it.
 ontario_woman
Joined: 4/3/2005
Msg: 49
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why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 11/9/2011 10:07:34 AM

SOME women are very good at faking the tears to manipulate, when they can't get their way through reason, logic, discussion, (of course, they are female..these concepts are strangers to most of them)) out come the waterworks, which strike most men defenseless, then the guy caves in (almost ALWAYS) and she WINS/gets her way


Actually, I found that many men also turn on the waterworks in order to get their way. I think that this is more of a character trait than a gender trait.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 50
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 11/9/2011 5:45:30 PM
^^^ I agree. Crocodile tears aren’t appealing on anyone.

Probably unlikely that guys would fake cry to manipulate each other, but it might be funny to watch.
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