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 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 27
why cant some men stand it when women cry?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

he has let me know that he would be/do whatever I needed, in the moment, should I hit an emotional brick wall again. When I read how most on this thread feel about a woman's tears...

Yes, I and many men would also do whatever you needed, in the moment also.. IF you told us despite your tears exactly what you wanted, that would help, so we wouldn't be expected to mind-read it and likely get it wrong/make you cry worse or lash out at us..
And if you don't think that ever happens, re-read the above responses..

Some of those crying ladies may be wantin to kill us.. So how are men to differentiate those that just want to be held from the wantin to kill?
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 28
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why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/15/2011 9:41:07 PM

Perhaps the men that can not stand it have been involved with woman that use the waterworks to manipulate them and try to get their way.

bingo.

it may sound strange, but in many ways, men's tears are easier to trust than women's. i know that for things to have gotten to that point, his world is coming apart.
 frijolera_ninja
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 29
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/15/2011 10:09:26 PM
I hate when women use tears to manipulate! Just drives me nuts I can only imagine how men must feel.

Cryin is for when your hurt, happy or someone you love is the same.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 36
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why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 7:13:24 AM
Well, I have both witnessed and experienced a variety of responses to someone else's tears.
The subset of people who move away from the person crying, include several very different reasons. "Can't stand it" is actually a very vague description of someone's response. You really need to say "can't or doesn't want to stand it BECAUSE ______."

Best simple REASON why some people might LEAVE someone who is crying, but NOT do so because "they couldn't deal with it," are those of us who recognize from our OWN selves, that crying is often NOT a form of communication at all. It is a private reaction to a stressful situation, not requiring input or reaction from others at all. This is the reason why I do MY OWN crying in private.

It is therefore an INTERPRETATION on your part, to label the ones who leave you to your tears as being either callous, or as being uncaring, or as being "unable to stand it."
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 37
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 8:26:04 AM

Whereas I very rarely cry around people. On the occasions that I did, I found them to be extremely warm and compassionate. Come to think of it, I don't think I have ever had anyone.. man or woman, walk away while I was crying.

I have to agree with this. It's so rare that I cry that when I do people tend to stop and immediately help - it's so odd for them to see coming from me. This is not for lack of me trying to get them to evacuate when I felt it coming on, and apologizing profusely and telling people to PLEASE ignore me - crying around others really makes me uncomfortable and people who comfort me only tend to make my crying worse. My goal is usually to curb it and take it somewhere private, or end it depending on the situation.

I can understand WomaninProgress when she said this. In times of true grief(not manipulation) I wish I had that magic button that shut off my emotion in public or in front of anyone, for that matter...but I don't.

Exactly, CarpeOmnia - but don't you worry. I am diligently working on inventing one, and when I do, I'll send you what I come up with. : )

maybe men are taught not to cry but they do. its a release of emotion.

Oh I know they all do - as humans we have to cry, but most don't do it around others if they can help it, who needs to see it? Being programmed the same way, I will get up and leave if I can't do anything else when I do. There's always a bathroom or closet or something close by to walk into and get myself together. I tend also to see crying as a form of weakness, and I'll cut my own throat before I allow someone to see me in a weak position.

Its not about YOU!!! There are times when one person just needs the comfort of another person, not thinking about what to say or do next since the ONLY thing you should focus on is just being there WITH and FOR the other human being. Anything else, you are turning in to making about you which you shouldn't be in the first place.

Sounds real cut and dry, doesn't it? It's not. If you are raised not to cry and alarm the family unless you are bleeding from somewhere (when I was 5 I remember crying over something that scared me in the yard - everyone ran out of the house and literally checked me for blood, then told me never to freak them out like that again unless I saw some) you tend to see that as a total thing - you avoid crying around others so they don't have to figure out how to deal with it and you have a hard time knowing what to do when someone else cries because you were taught no one should unless it's dire.

You want to leave when someone starts crying because when you cry you don't want people around. It's a projection that's hard to separate consciously. If I stick around when you cry - I'll feel like I need to fix it, and will inevitably try to make it make sense, which is what I do with my own crying. "Why am I doing this, and what does it change?" I know most people don't generally want someone doing this to them in reaction to a crying spell they have.

I do not think compassion and empathy can be learned. IMO those are traits that must already be there within the person to begin with. I do think they can be un-learned. I think they can be suppressed and restrained.

Absolutely, in my case - I feel those things. What the heck to do with them, is another story. Comforting isn't something I learned as a way to express those feelings, so it seems fake and mechanical when I do it.

Several years ago I lost my grandmother. When I was going to school there was a 4 hr gap between 2 of my classes so i would go over to her house and do her shopping for her and we would spend time together each day.

When she died I was not emotionally prepared for it and i emotionally lost control. It took a long time to recover from that emotional roller coaster.

I'm dealing with this now. My mom really died fast, and she didn't want to die - and made it clear to us verbally and by what she did while in hospice. So most of the time I'm composed but certain things make me go into a tailspin - there are so many thoughts and emotions tied to it I just plain don't know what to do with. The best thing for me is to stay in a busy routine and just shelve it. When I try to examine it, it overwhelms me to a frightening degree and I'm afraid I'll never find my way out...so I have to avoid it.

Funny my sister and I, two girls who were raised to be poker faced, both cried for a few days straight as my mom declined in hospice. Necessary, but at the same time strange. My sister is worse than me about this - and I know she's "clogged" for lack of a better way to put it, so when I hug her and she stiffens - I stay there and make her deal with it because I know she needs it. When I tell her I love her (which I do more now since my mom went) she doesn't respond - and I stay in her face and tell her I know she hates it but I don't care - she's hearing it.

Best simple REASON why some people might LEAVE someone who is crying, but NOT do so because "they couldn't deal with it," are those of us who recognize from our OWN selves, that crying is often NOT a form of communication at all. It is a private reaction to a stressful situation, not requiring input or reaction from others at all. This is the reason why I do MY OWN crying in private.

This is sooo true. I don't want someone else to take it personally, or try to figure out what to do with it. It's just a lot simpler if I can cry alone - it requires no reaction from anyone else, and I don't have to worry about how anyone's taking it.

This reminds me of a couple close friends who said to me knowing my mom wasn't doing well and that she might pass "when you cry - don't try to analyze it...just go with it. It's not supposed to make sense. Just follow what your body and mind needs to deal with it." They know me well, I continue to do that everytime I get upset...it's almost impossible to just cry. I need to feel in control of something because crying is a helpless experience for me? Who knows.

This thread has been interesting for me. Apologies for being long winded though. Feel free to ignore me if you must. : )
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 39
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why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 5:44:39 PM
Personally, I feel comfortable communicating directly when someone cries in my presence. A basic asking what is wrong, or if I can help is the simplest. If someone explains they are just stressed, and that I need not respond, I can be "normal" while they get it out of their system.

I would think that pretending it wasn't happening would be a bit on the crude side.
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 40
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why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 10/16/2011 10:17:15 PM
If a woman is crying ... I try to be gently comforting to her. However, if I see a man crying, I tell him to "grow a spine and quit making like an invertebrate".
 sexyisback!
Joined: 9/14/2010
Msg: 44
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 11/9/2011 8:58:16 AM
SOME women are very good at faking the tears to manipulate, when they can't get their way through reason, logic, discussion, (of course, they are female..these concepts are strangers to most of them)) out come the waterworks, which strike most men defenseless, then the guy caves in (almost ALWAYS) and she WINS/gets her way
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 45
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 11/9/2011 9:59:01 AM

I don't cry often. I've been caught at it once in awhile and it seems like friends and family make a big deal about it forever. I don't lose my temper often, and that, too gets talked about like it's a huge deal. I can't seem to express any emotion without becoming some significant event, this, because I do it so rarely.

This sounds scarily familiar. Sounds like we may have a couple of the same family traits.

So can women win in the emotion game? The ones who are too emotional are disregarded. The ones whorarely emotional are over-regarded. I suppose the only ones who get regard are those who have balance, moderation, who express when they are expected and never when it's inconvenient or inconsiderate to others.

It'd be nice if more women (and some men) had this balance. Grief shouldn't be a grandstand or means to get attention - nor should it ever be to manipulate. And some people need to learn to stop and think before they go to pieces over things that frankly aren't that big a deal.

I prefer to be left alone when I cry. If someone sees me, it's because they invaded my privacy

Yep, same here. I almost never cry publicly - unless it's a huge deal, and even then I REALLY don't like doing it.
 sexyisback!
Joined: 9/14/2010
Msg: 48
why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 11/10/2011 8:34:28 AM


Actually, I found that many men also turn on the waterworks in order to get their way. I think that this is more of a character trait than a gender trait.


it is still somewhat 'acceptable' for women to cry in the workplace( over work-related matters) though likely it will be somewhat frowned upon.

if a man odes that publicly in a work setting (unless it's because his wife, child, or a parent just died & he just got the news while at work) he will be humiliated and ashamed to show his face around there again - in most cases, at least.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 49
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why cant some men stand it when women cry?
Posted: 11/10/2011 10:19:30 AM

when they can't get their way through reason, logic, discussion, (of course, they are female..these concepts are strangers to most of them))


I don't believe women are any more strangers to those concepts than men. I've known lots of women I could have calm, reasonable, logical discussions with. And if what I was saying or doing to a woman drove her to tears--at least tears of distress--I'd usually wonder what part I'd played in it.

If I have feelings for a woman, I'm not thinking about getting my way, and if she feels the same way about me, she won't be doing that either. You can never really win a dispute with someone you care about.
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