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 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 26
Insecurity vs. selfishnessPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Yet it's ok to do it behind someone's back in a form of pictures. Oh yeah I get it. So I'm controlling if I find that a woman who ends up doing drugs which I didn't know in the beginning. Yeah right I would be controlling because I didn't like her gambling her money away and that would problably hurt me in the long run.


Your profile states your Christian. Christians far as I know have MORAL values. But I guess you weren't taught.
-------------------------------------------------------
Googlefreak,
Again your bringing this religion thing all over again when I already told you about my business, I thought you knew already, damn pick up the hint. Cuz that line is getting old like spoiled fruit that needs to be thrown out.

IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS OF YOURS TO BRING MY PROFILE UP IN THIS THREAD IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT!

I have MORALS, I just DON'T AGREE with you.

This is why you get to know your date before you get waay involved in her business. It'll will save you a load of misery. In dating stages if you knew that it's either put up with it or shut up and walk from it and I'd definitely walk from that because the minute I see her do it. ( and yes I can easily find out if someone is doing drugs or was ) I'd call her out on it and I'd be upfront telling her about it and what I'm NOT willing to put up with. ( while you're there questioning my morals and Christianity I suggest you take a good look at getting to know people in person first before you talk crap of reading peoples profiles, Saves you from looking stupid. )

Looking at someone's profile is A LOT different from getting to KNOW PEOPLE IN PERSON.

Say if I knew she had an addiction and she's not giving it up when I already told her upfront of what I am not willing to put up with from the get go of when we met. I'm gone, I'm not going to stick around for someone else's mess nor be in it ( I stuck around enough times in other people's mess and emotional mess ) . I would tell that person that I'm dating and call her out on her addiction and say that it is unacceptable for me to date you while you are doing that and if you continue doing it I'm going to have to stop dating you. If I catch her again doing it. I'm gone simple.
 unspoiled
Joined: 9/25/2011
Msg: 27
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History
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/16/2011 2:02:46 PM
Well, I think some insecurity is actually with you, sir, for having the desire to and in some way displaying photos of you with actresses/models.

She does has an insecurity but it's in part based on what you have presented in your insecurity.

As far as the magazine goes, if you like the woman enough, she could be mostly what you focus your eyes on and get sneak looks at other women in public instead of having the magazine. Putting your energy into her, in my opinion, could have strengthened the relationship.

Today, more than ever, we have many ways to deviate from focusing on our mates and if we don't cut loose of some of those ways, deep relationships will be rare.
 CrazyCanuckz
Joined: 10/8/2011
Msg: 28
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/16/2011 2:07:26 PM
So these married women who have husband addicted to porn is controlling right? They just leave their marriage take the easy way out. There's men out there so addicted to porn, strippers, half naked ladies it's not even funny. Yeah they are controlling because they want to get their husbands to change their bad behavior. Sometimes people hide their addictions well, heck some people hide it for years.

My cousin is a gambling addict, his wife left him due to due addiction, they dated over a year and she didn't know and it took after a few years to find about his addiction. Things don't always come up so easily. You don't even have the real slight clue what a controlling person is. I have dealt with a very control father since my childhood. What you call control doesn't even come close. There's also probably more to the story, we only know his side. I never heard of a guy pick his magazine over a woman in my entire life.


These men magazine can do more harm than good.


It is evident that magazines for young men do include stereotypical images of both men and women. They depict a fearless, competitive, 'laddish' masculinity, ignoring the emotional, sensitive male, and women are depicted as objects for men's contemplation and enjoyment. But it should be remembered that Stereotypes can be seen as an unavoidable part of mass media representation. Further these magazines are merely trying to entertain the reader, they are not seriously on a crusade to return to a pre-feminist ideal, or to harm anyone in an attempt to provide entertainment.

This can be seen in figure 4, where Jordan, merely famous because she is beautiful, is seen staring at the viewer in a pose which could be seen as soft porn. Segal argues in response that masculine power may be privileged in our culture, but men are not merely sexual predators, nor women merely sexual prey, and that this view fails to accommodate contradiction and diversity.



http://www.theory.org.uk/mensmags.htm
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 29
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/16/2011 2:52:14 PM

So these married women who have husband addicted to porn is controlling right?


How or where has it been established that the OP is addicted to porn?
 blackchic
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 30
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/16/2011 2:57:08 PM
This woman is a nut case....Why? Why would she make you throw away pictures of memories of your life? THATS CRAZY!! I dont understand women or men who feel threatened by "pieces of paper", THATS CRAZY!! You are with them, day in and day out, it has nothing to do with being religious either, this is all about control, and getting you to conform. This is not a "nice ,wonderful" lady.....This woman will withhold sex from you. She is manipulative. Shes in a word is....MEAN!
 firey_tracy
Joined: 9/6/2011
Msg: 31
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/16/2011 3:21:37 PM
She is very insecure and you are you. If it doesnt work for both it doesnt work
 CrazyCanuckz
Joined: 10/8/2011
Msg: 32
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/16/2011 6:11:25 PM
How or where has it been established that the OP is addicted to porn?


Maxim and other magazine that are similar are considered "soft porn"


It's not about porn per se, but "softporn" can influence a relationship. Many men masturbate over "soft porn" which can be a habitual thing that can lead to excess masturbation.
Softcore pornography is a form of filmic or photographic pornography or erotica that is less sexually explicit than hardcore pornography. Softcore pornography depicts nude and semi-nude performers engaging in casual social nudity or non-graphic representations of sexual intercourse or masturbation. Softcore porn precludes explicit depictions of vaginal or anal penetration, cunnilingus, fellatio and ejaculation.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Softcore_pornography
 Happysmile72
Joined: 12/21/2010
Msg: 33
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Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/16/2011 7:51:56 PM
Yeah i'm gonna say insecurity and just plain incompatible. there is control and there is resentment.
bottom line if given the choice of being intimate with her or choosing the addiction (ie porn, magazines, drugs etc) then thats a clear addiction and a problem. it sounds like she does not approve of you being a man and seems intent on isolating you all to herself. Granted that is an idealistic point of view but its not reality. its the ACTION that separates looking at women and cheating. yeah..time to move on dude..
 L-Dawg
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 34
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/16/2011 7:59:31 PM
This has been a hot topic. I am not a porn addict. Although she would say otherwise. I just wasn't going to give in to her controlling nature. I did get rid of alot of things to try and appease her. But it still wasn't enough and she was still threatened by "pieces of paper." From most opinions, I don't think I was wrong in assuming she is a little crazy. She has had bad relationships, taking meds and been going to a psychologist. In the end, I wish it could have worked but we were incompatible.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 35
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Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/17/2011 1:07:54 AM
Thanks for clearing that up OP because, truthfully, I never got the impression you were a porn addict and I did get the very firm impression that your now ex was very insecure and controlling.

That is the funny thing about advice for an involved 3rd party, you end up getting their baggage alongside of the advice.

I think most of those who pegged you as some porn addicted/masturbation addicted cad had some recent dealings with a person like that and put that unto you, which make sense. And others who read it as a woman whose insecurities and controlling nature led her to try to control even the most asinine aspects of a grown man's life through negative experience did the same.

Life is very funny in that way. I'm glad to read, in spite of this, you gained some clarity.
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 36
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/17/2011 3:26:36 AM
On the one hand, artistic nudes like in a photo exhibit are beautiful. Airbrushed, cheesy get ups to titillate aren't sexy to me, same with porn. I have seen films that had erotic scenes that were artful.
Maybe Maxim would be more attractive if there was less airbrushing--kinda mannequin -like, Madame Toussaud's.
IMO a guy into cheesy soft or hard porn is hard to take seriously. If a girl had naked men's mags wouldn't you be a bit oh, please.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 37
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/17/2011 4:22:25 AM
I'm going to play devil's advocate on this and flip the whole situation around but reverse.

Ladies say you were reading the male model men's magazine with your fireman models in it and male actors. ( and I know most of you females like checking out men lol, don't lie to me now :-p ) And the guy you were dating gets pissed off about it and gives you the talk of " it's either me or the magazine " right there while you're reading it in front of him and this is on a date while you are out with him. How would you think and what would you do about it?
 FlamingoKisses
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 38
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/17/2011 4:41:09 AM
There is a fine line between * looking * and being obsessed with it. I would not care about someone looking at a magazine , however I do feel there is something missing here in the OP's story. Like maybe constant remarks maybe about looks? Would I sit and drool over magazines of men half or fully nude if it offended someone? No. Why?

I can see 2 sides to this story for sure. Not just that the OP has a few magazines laying around.

I have actually known of some men ( no one I dated ) but friends, who are obsessed with this kind of stuff to a point where there honestly make people feel awkward. Comments made, insinuations. And what is even more funny, is these men would not have a chance in the world with a hot chick like what they stare at. Where I am going with it is, if someone , male or female needs to look at photos of other men or women to feel good, they may need some help.

It really depends on the whole level and story. And there IS something missing here.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 39
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/17/2011 4:45:18 AM
I just wasn't going to give in to her controlling nature.

like hell, you gave in at least 3 times by taking her back... remember?

I did get rid of alot of things to try and appease her.

yes. i'd say you were willing to see how far you'd have to go to appease her and still have access to the sex, to the point of breaking up with her 3 times and taking her back and getting rid of "some" stuff. but i guess those "me too" promotional pictures from the video convention or whatever were crossing the line huh. once i knew a guy who had some of those pictures on his office wall... it was him and alexander haig for chrissake. people get these "me too" pictures and it's like pulling teeth to NOT put them on display.... your little social trophy, wow. self-flattery by association. LOOK AT ME STANDING NEXT TO THIS VERY FAMOUS/VERY ATTRACTIVE PERSON! that shit doesn't rub off yanno. snort.


don't think I was wrong in assuming she is a little crazy. She has had bad relationships, taking meds and been going to a psychologist.

oy. how could you NOT anticipate some ridiculous issue?

we were incompatible.

news flash: MOST people are incompatible.

 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 40
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/17/2011 5:18:55 AM
Flamingokisses,
I'm hearing you on this and I agree with your point, very good point you said. There is a fine line between looking and being obsessed, being obsessed is more like an addiction and when it takes over like that it becomes an addiction and people need help to get over that addiction.

I see what you're laying down :-)

I would not sit and drool over magazines when I am out on a date, that would be a rude movement. My focus would be while I'm out with her it would be on her. That's the whole purpose of dating is to get to know the person, not a magazine :-p. People can always look or read a magazine later after the date.

Now if I was looking at a magazine and flipping thru it, just looking as in not drooling, not lusting over what's in it and my date up and told me say either you give up the magazine or else I'm not dating you anymore. That's a controlling movement and I'd rather walk away from her than to put up with that.
 Sweetlady950
Joined: 9/27/2011
Msg: 41
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/17/2011 6:50:12 AM
OP- I don't see this issue as any reason to end a relationship. I don't think there is any reason for you to get rid of your pics w/ models or other famous people, but you should not have them displayed all over your home either. It's a matter of respect for your woman. She should be the one that you idolize, not these fake, unattainable women. If you put more energy into making her feel beautiful, instead of staring at these women in magazines all day, your relationship would change for the better. You may think she's being insecure, but she's acting this way because you are giving her the impression that these women are better than her.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 42
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/17/2011 6:58:01 AM
Sounds like a bunch of nimcompoopery to me.

Why is she seeing all these pictures of you with famous
females (snort)? Are they out and about, do you bring
them out to show people? I have pictures of myself with
guys I've met over the years, they aren't displayed and I
don't bring them out for show and tell.

As for as the magazines, without hearing her side, how do we
know these aren't something you obsess over. Who
cares if someone reads a magazine? It's when someone lives
vicariously through their magazines it becomes a problem.

I call bullshyte on this. I think there is something else going
on with you and this woman or you just made up the whole
thing up..

and before you say it, I can say this because it's my opinion...
and I'm just guessing like the rest of the people here.
 CrazyCanuckz
Joined: 10/8/2011
Msg: 43
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/18/2011 5:54:14 AM

'd walk out just as much as she's walk out of the relationship because she hates that I go to the gym and wants to control that. The same way I'd leave because she's not acting right and being disrespectful, I'm not controlling her when I walk out. I control myself to do that.


Gym isn't related to lustfully looking at pics of women. Don't you get that? To look at pictures of half naked women while dating a woman is disrespectful. Don't you get that? Obviously OP is lying. If she's controlling why did he go back to her? You call that controlling? Too many people blame the partner for their own problem. You can not get anywhere in life unless you look in the mirror and take responsibility for your own actions.

I bet he does look at porn, anyone that obsessed with pictures of half naked women would probably look at porn. I bet the real issue was him being obsessed with these women. Any man picking pictures of women over a real life woman that's half way decent need serious therapy, in fact porn addicts does exactly that. They will choose porn over their partner. They rather watch porn and masturbate then spend time or have sex with their partner. If the guy did have sex he wouldn't be able to perform his to addictive behaviour. Also emotionally he would be cold and other traits. You don't OP doesn't have an addiction?
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 44
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/18/2011 5:58:33 AM

Gym isn't related to lustfully looking at pics of women. Don't you get that? To look at pictures of half naked women while dating a woman is disrespectful. Don't you get that? Obviously OP is lying. If she's controlling why did he go back to her? You call that controlling? Too many people blame the partner for their own problem. You can not get anywhere in life unless you look in the mirror and take responsibility for your own actions. ]/quote]

When a person is in a gym, there are half dressed women all over the place! Or they are wearing spandex pants and tops.

People "go back" to relationships for a variety of reasons.

Geez, this is why I date guys who don't mind me looking at porn--it doesn't cause problems. (Grin.)
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 45
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Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/18/2011 6:14:48 AM
I went through a similar situation with my ex.... she was ultra religious too.... as a condition of her freedom to fully "feel loved" she purged every picture I ever had with any other person (female) who was not blood relation.... so I lost a few memories such as prom, college dances.... etc.... I had actually forgotten I had the pictures.... for me it was a non issue.... but it never addressed her control and insecurities.....

Consider it possible that she maybe BPD/NPD... check it out
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 46
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/18/2011 7:06:00 AM

At the same time I have dated girls who never had an issue with it.

Then go back to dating women who don't have an issue with it. You have a problem with her insecurity and she has a problem with your appreciation of women you'll never have a chance of being with. To break up over the same issue three times indicates neither of you is willing to conform to the other's way of thinking or behaving. We all have our bones of contention. I, for instance, couldn't tolerate being around someone with their nose constantly in a bible and religious pictures all over the place. The solution is to be with someone who doesn't fall into that category. Accept that you have different tolerance levels and move on, rather than lamenting about it.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 47
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/19/2011 2:09:53 PM
Thoughts? Wondering what that post is about, validation????
Imo the very simple fact of the matter is that the two of you are just not compatible.
 clayart
Joined: 9/14/2011
Msg: 48
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/19/2011 4:46:19 PM
Why are you diplaying the photos with famous, beautiful women ? Your ego ?

How many pictures of the two of you or just her do you have on display ?

Try this in the future; Get a cardboard box. Place magazines in box. Put box in closet.
 joemac356
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 49
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Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/19/2011 6:21:37 PM
Wow! No judgmental ism or assumptions here...

I was with someone who exhibited similar controlling behavior. I was convinced that I would show her there was no need to feel so insecure. Wrong.
You cannot make someone else feel secure. After a certain age, it's a part of their makeup.

In my case, she was so adamantly against my looking at another woman, yet she had no problem in commenting on how handsome some guy was, either on TV, or in real life. It drove me nuts, not that she did so, but that it was such an obvious disparity in what was 'allowed'.
It was just another sign of our incompatibility. Her insecurity and resulting behavior drove me away.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 50
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/19/2011 6:56:55 PM
I have to throw offsetting penalty flags on this one.

Yes. She was insecure.
so a penalty flag on her.

Yes. You are selfish.
So one on you too.

As for you....since you asked....
to be in a relationship means dealing with the insecurities
of you are in a relationship with.

If you cared for her...
you'd want to ease her mind.
As I would hope, she would for you too.

Ditching Maxim and old photos seem very trite.
trite for her to ask for sure,
but equally trite for you to refuse.

so now you are single.
Hope those old photos and lame Maxim mags give you comfort.
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