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 clayart
Joined: 9/14/2011
Msg: 48
Insecurity vs. selfishnessPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Why are you diplaying the photos with famous, beautiful women ? Your ego ?

How many pictures of the two of you or just her do you have on display ?

Try this in the future; Get a cardboard box. Place magazines in box. Put box in closet.
 joemac356
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 49
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Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/19/2011 6:21:37 PM
Wow! No judgmental ism or assumptions here...

I was with someone who exhibited similar controlling behavior. I was convinced that I would show her there was no need to feel so insecure. Wrong.
You cannot make someone else feel secure. After a certain age, it's a part of their makeup.

In my case, she was so adamantly against my looking at another woman, yet she had no problem in commenting on how handsome some guy was, either on TV, or in real life. It drove me nuts, not that she did so, but that it was such an obvious disparity in what was 'allowed'.
It was just another sign of our incompatibility. Her insecurity and resulting behavior drove me away.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 50
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/19/2011 6:56:55 PM
I have to throw offsetting penalty flags on this one.

Yes. She was insecure.
so a penalty flag on her.

Yes. You are selfish.
So one on you too.

As for you....since you asked....
to be in a relationship means dealing with the insecurities
of you are in a relationship with.

If you cared for her...
you'd want to ease her mind.
As I would hope, she would for you too.

Ditching Maxim and old photos seem very trite.
trite for her to ask for sure,
but equally trite for you to refuse.

so now you are single.
Hope those old photos and lame Maxim mags give you comfort.
 deeppurplelover
Joined: 12/28/2010
Msg: 51
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Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/19/2011 7:00:39 PM
yes, i agree insecurities are not a good thing!!! i went thru that with a man ,& he didnt trust me for toooo many "reasons" but it was all his own insecurities!!! that woman would have went from one thing to another to control you!!!!! drop those kind of people like a "hot potato" !!!!
 JingleBoots
Joined: 6/21/2011
Msg: 52
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/19/2011 7:40:21 PM
Wow. It is unbelievable how some people react to things like that. It is totally acceptable and "OK" for a man to do what comes naturally, and that is look at women. All men (straight) fantasize and think about women all the time. Even porn is ok if it's every once in a while. Men are visual, women are emotional when it comes to sex. Subscribing to a men's magazine (Playboy, Maxim, Penthouse...whatever) is not cheating and is not a threat to their parner.. UNLESS they are addicted to porn or nudity and can't perform with their partner without first looking at the porn. When it becomes an addiction, then and only then should she have a problem with it. At the same time, a man knows when he has a problem with it and should take steps to get it under control or stop completely if it's too difficult or if very unhealthy for the relationship. Other than that, almost all men look at nude women and or porn at some time or another. It's just being a man. If your sexual attention is on "her" and she knows it, you shouldn't have a problem. If you're always womanizing and verbal about how another woman looks, then you could be creating this problem yourself. It all depends on how you go about it and how you treat her. If you don't do anything that is a threat to her, then she's way too insecure and probably will always stay that way. Reassurance on a constant basis is ridiculous, unless you cheated on her and are trying to rebuild trust, then that would be OK.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 53
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/19/2011 7:55:53 PM

Maxim and other magazine that are similar are considered "soft porn"


Your argument is moot! Even if he were looking at "hard" porn, it doesn't mean that he is addicted to it.


It's not about porn per se, but "softporn" can influence a relationship. Many men masturbate over "soft porn" which can be a habitual thing that can lead to excess masturbation.


If it isn't about porn, then what is it about? What is she upset about? Your whole argument rests on "can lead to," which is something that you can't prove about the OP and is, again, a moot point.

Do you know for a fact that the OP is indulging in "excessive masturbation"? How much masturbation is excessive? Do you know if the OP is indulging in any masturbation?


Softcore pornography is a form of filmic or photographic pornography or erotica that is less sexually explicit than hardcore pornography. Softcore pornography depicts nude and semi-nude performers engaging in casual social nudity or non-graphic representations of sexual intercourse or masturbation. Softcore porn precludes explicit depictions of vaginal or anal penetration, cunnilingus, fellatio and ejaculation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Softcore_pornography


What is your point by posting this?
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 54
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/19/2011 8:16:10 PM
Jingleboots,
Couldn't have say it and made it anymore clearer than that. Thank you for your post

As for you Googlefreak,
you're not worth any more of my time. You're arguments are lame and like stale cheese. Go find somebody else to play with, cuz I was waaay done with this long time ago.

* Walks away *
 cin____dy
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 55
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/19/2011 9:22:21 PM
Actresses and models how nice. Insecure and needy? Usually there is an underlying cause to that. Can be just her personality but just in reading what you wrote it sounds to me a little bit cold on your part. I am not a jealous or needy person but have found myself in particular relationships where it happened, usually because of our personality and "respect" issues were too different. If one person has a particular belief system of how to be treated and the other person can't see it that can cause problems.
Just a thought.
 chinadol6977
Joined: 6/24/2011
Msg: 56
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Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/19/2011 11:04:23 PM
She asked for something that you weren't willing to do..The relationship is over now..


For some crazy ass reason a lot of guys try to validate their behavior by stating that women are insecure...News flash,men make women insure.....
Staring at photos of half dressed women does not make YOUR woman feel good..
Watching porn for hours on end,makes her feel like you're comparing her to the porn stars..
It's simple to you,but it can make your mate feel like shit..
So,is it really that important to have a magazine or pictures laying around,if it makes someone you claim to love feel like shit or like they are not good enough?
It is a issue that she has,but you are the cuase of it rearing up.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 57
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/20/2011 8:15:39 AM

For some crazy ass reason a lot of guys try to validate their behavior by stating that women are insecure...News flash,men make women insure.....
Staring at photos of half dressed women does not make YOUR woman feel good..
Watching porn for hours on end,makes her feel like you're comparing her to the porn stars..
It's simple to you,but it can make your mate feel like shit..
So,is it really that important to have a magazine or pictures laying around,if it makes someone you claim to love feel like shit or like they are not good enough?


I can only speak from personal experience, but when I was married, I objected to my husband's "use" of porn for two reasons:

1. It made me insecure
2. It violated my religious principles

In my other long-term relationship, I had left Christianity and the religious aspects were moot. I was still insecure in the relationship, but I didn't mind if he perused porn sites.

Now, my only point of contention is the exploitation of women in the porn business.

If a woman in insecure in a relationship and the man "makes" her feel that way, she is allowing him to do so. She needs to leave the relationship and work on her feelings or stay in the relationship and work on her feelings. If he is overbearing, she can insist on counseling or she can leave.

Unless a man threatens a woman with physical violence (which is a different matter altogether than what is at hand here), she always has choices. I make the caveat about physical violence because sometimes a man would rather kill a woman than let her leave him.


It is a issue that she has,but you are the cuase of it rearing up.


Should a partner abandon ANYTHING that makes a partner feel insecure? How far does this go? My ex didn't "allow" me to have platonic male friends because he felt insecure. I once was having lunch an McD's and the husband of a friend was there; he sat with me and chatted. I was paranoid because I was afraid that my ex or one of his work buddies would go through the drive-through and see me with a man. This was despite the fact that I had NEVER given him any reason to doubt my fidelity.

He also could not deal with my weight loss--it threatened him because it made me attractive to other men; should I have stayed obese because of his insecurities?
 3xsacharmsotheysay
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 58
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/20/2011 9:57:49 AM
Bottom line it's two people who say they want a relationship but neither willing to compromise...
 L-Dawg
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 59
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/20/2011 12:41:08 PM
Thanks all. Everyone has their opinion and made valid points. I'm with Archangel, Jingleboots hit the nail on the head for me.
 CrazyCanuckz
Joined: 10/8/2011
Msg: 60
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/20/2011 3:48:14 PM

Why are you diplaying the photos with famous, beautiful women ? Your ego ?

How many pictures of the two of you or just her do you have on display ?

Try this in the future; Get a cardboard box. Place magazines in box. Put box in closet.


Bingo, he could have simply put them away.
 CrazyCanuckz
Joined: 10/8/2011
Msg: 61
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/20/2011 3:59:01 PM
[qoute]If it isn't about porn, then what is it about? What is she upset about? Your whole argument rests on "can lead to," which is something that you can't prove about the OP and is, again, a moot point.

Do you know for a fact that the OP is indulging in "excessive masturbation"? How much masturbation is excessive? Do you know if the OP is indulging in any masturbation?

Actually most men when they are single will masturbate since he's not having sex. I'm sure he uses the pictures to get the ball rolling.
Modern medicine doesn't see a problem with excessive masturbation. However in In Chinese medicine there are signs, like back pain, muscle weakness, cloudy mind etc. It's a debate able, how much sex or masturbation is excessive.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 62
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/20/2011 5:08:53 PM

Modern medicine doesn't see a problem with excessive masturbation. However in In Chinese medicine there are signs, like back pain, muscle weakness, cloudy mind etc. It's a debate able, how much sex or masturbation is excessive.


Masturbation and sex have been prone to inaccuracies for centuries. For a long time, it was thought that ejaculating made a man weak, and the more ejaculations, the weaker he became. This is one reason why athletes were cautioned not to have sex before a game. The French called ejaculation "la petit morte" or "the little death." Succubi stole semen while men slept in order to impregnate themselves with demon children; the theft made the man weaker.

There were tracts and warning published and circulated about how to detect masturbation in males: they had pale skin, were listless, and had diseases of the lungs, kidneys, rheumatism and other maladies. Masturbation was a sin that could result in the death penalty. Women could go insane from masturbating (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_masturbation)

Of course, we ALL know that masturbation causes hair to grow on the palms.

My point is that whoever wrote the post about "excessive" masturbation is judging the OP without a trial.
 Jaimie777
Joined: 10/11/2011
Msg: 63
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/27/2011 6:35:29 AM
She may have been able to overcome her insecurities in time and just needed you to let go of those things. I find it disconcerting how many guys will give up a live human being over...magazines/porn. Most relationships build trust over a period of time. It sounds like the relationship needed time to do this, but you were not willing to put that time and effort into it. If you are okay with how it turned out, maybe she was not the one. But if a person is never willing to give up a few things for the realtionship, maybe they will never find the one.
 ontario_woman
Joined: 4/3/2005
Msg: 64
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Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/27/2011 6:44:55 AM
Personally, I'm not a big fan of these types of magazines. I think that they demean women and I would be very angry if you left them where my impressionable daughter would find them. However, I'm not to give a man a hard time over these types of magazines providing he is discreet with them. Openly reading them around your SO and/or leaving them lying around shows a lack of respect IMHO. What's wrong with, as another poster put it, placing the magazines in a cardboard box and placing said box in the closet? You could have met her half-way on this issue.
 CrazyCanuckz
Joined: 10/8/2011
Msg: 65
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/27/2011 2:28:25 PM

Masturbation and sex have been prone to inaccuracies for centuries. For a long time, it was thought that ejaculating made a man weak, and the more ejaculations, the weaker he became. This is one reason why athletes were cautioned not to have sex before a game. The French called ejaculation "la petit morte" or "the little death." Succubi stole semen while men slept in order to impregnate themselves with demon children; the theft made the man weaker.



Actually it depends on the man's health, the healthier a man is the more sex he can have. It isn't a myth like you think. Not just masturbation but also too much sex. There's complaints about back pain yet modern medicine will prescribe medication. Chinese medicine sees as weak kidney. Too much sex and or too much meat can weaken the kidney. There's are people treated with these symptoms with a proper diet and having sex or little sex until recovery. It doesn't seem to a myth otherwise how are these symptoms magically gone?
 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 66
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/27/2011 2:33:56 PM
I guess she is still a kid.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 67
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Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/27/2011 2:35:53 PM
She sounds insecure, a bit unstable and extremely controlling

I was amazed to see how many suggested you should stop reading them rather than discard a "loving woman" haha

Jeez, if she was so "loving" then she would accept that you enjoy them and deal with her issues, as it goes both ways

Had this been about you going for weekends in amsterdam or holidays in thailand or shagalouf with a bunch of single mates then yeah, I think she may have had a point

But with magazines I dont only think that a compromise WASNT needed, but that she had to be a bit nutz to think it was even a reasonable request in the first place

Definitely someone that a coach load of psychiatrists couldnt fix in a month of sundays IMO


Kick to the curb if she cant sort her issues out I'd have to say really, because otherwise you will find that after the Maxim it will be something else, then something else ad infinitum because whatever you change or give up her own internal issues will still be there seeking some other activitiy of yours to transfer her insecurity onto

If you do ditch this nutjob though, you could buy her a subscription to maxim to see if aversion therapy might help
 tigerspawn
Joined: 8/9/2011
Msg: 68
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/27/2011 2:56:11 PM
The problem wasnt in what you were doing the problem was in how she was responding to what you were doing. This does not sound like its strictly a case of jealousy. No matter what you did there was no changing how she would react. You would need to address her reasons for feeling the way she does. After addressing the issue she needs to work on correcting why she reacts the way she does. If she does seek a change than she will be doomed to repeat this failed relationship. Her insecurities will continue to grow until she doesnt trust anyone.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 69
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Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/27/2011 3:00:32 PM
Yeah imagine a woman who changes channels anytime any woman even vaguely attractive or scantily clad comes on?

The only things you'd even be allowed to watch is australian soaps and eastenders
 L-Dawg
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 70
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/28/2011 4:09:18 PM
For those who say I could have just put them in a cardboard box. She didn't want them in the house period.
Here is another example of how insecure she was. She wanted me to unfriend this girl on Facebook that I knew because she was an attractive model.
 ontario_woman
Joined: 4/3/2005
Msg: 71
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Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/28/2011 4:54:32 PM
@www

I couldn't have said it better. For me, those magazines wouldn't have made me feel insecure, just REALLY turned off. To me, it says a lot about how you view women; none of it good. I'll generally look the other way if the man I'm with is discrete about reading them, but a lack of discretion would have told me that he doesn't care about how I felt or what kind of example he's setting for my daughter. For me, nothing could be more of a turn-off.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 72
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/28/2011 5:29:07 PM
Well if a man I was getting to know made me well aware of a bunch of pictures taken with beautiful celebs/models which he had taken just to get the pictures of him standing next to these beautiful women..
(I mean does he have any pictures standing next to not-so-pretty celebs??? or men 'well known' characters?)..
I would begin to think he has a bit of an 'obsession' with beautiful women and I'd not be interested to hang around past that, tell ya the truth.

Insecurity? Nah, I just know what type of man that is and pfffft no interest. I'd see HIM as being "insecure" in who he is!

As for the naked women mags .. whatever. If he likes to look, whatever.. go ahead and look, doesn't bother me. But if he makes it out to be IMPORTANT for him ... pfffft, I'd not be interested in hanging around with that type of guy either.

I think both OP and the woman were both insecure and I think both insecurities were just not a match.
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