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 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 26
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

who says all on a first meet or date?
If it's something like this it truly need to be said even before the first meet. Let along the first date.



if i am asked how long ago was your last bf i will have to tell.
i find it a very common question.
goodnight for now.
There are different versions of your truth Kailania. The totally honest truth " I am in love with him and still involved with him. If we date I will most likely be comparing your every move to him. And I will be keeping you at arms length and be totally unavailable to you emotionally. There is also a 100 percent chance that after we don't work out I will be running back to him. Are you ok with that?".

See THAT'S the truth. But you can't be that honest with any man because that would have any sane man yell "Check please" to the waiter and start running for the door.

So you most certainly have to lie by ommision. You can dress it up anyway you like " Who says all on a first date" but deep down you know the truth. And if you think about it honestly. You know that if the situation was reversed. You would want to know the RAW version of the truth upfront. Anything else and you would feel like you were decieved.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 27
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/23/2011 6:10:20 AM
I understand your situation a lot better because of what you told me privately since this thread started. And believe me I don't want to rip you here. But I honestly don't see how what you're trying to do can possibly work.

For you to have ANY chance of meeting someone else. You have to cut ALL ties with your current lover. Then you need to take a real break from dating(get some counceling)work on yourself. Then get back into the dating scene when you're 100 percent sure that he is in your rear view mirror. The current relationship has to be 100 percent dead and buried before you have any chance of building a new one. This man has gutted you emotionally and ripped apart your self esteem. You need time alone to get over that and rebuild your confidence.


Anything short of that and you are doing nothing but setting yourself up to fail. Which might just be your plan subconsciously. If every attempt to move on keep crashing and burning, then it's ok for you to stay where you are right now. Which deep down is where you want to be anyway, regardless of how bad the situation is for you.



<div class='quote'>Could someone please post a link to the other thread that the OP is referring to please?http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14728023.aspx
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 28
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Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/23/2011 6:18:07 AM
I think the term "right to know" is incorrect really

I think the onus is on the one who has the scenario to WANT to make someone aware of what theyre getting themselves into personally

Whenever I have started seeing someone where there has been something other than being "single" in the strictest sense of the word in play I have made them aware of it as soon as it was apparent we both wanted to continue seeing each other

I have never done that because I felt they had a "right" to know, I have always done it because I felt it was the "right" thing to do and because it falls under the umbrella category of "treating others as you wish to be treated"

That disclosure has included any FWBs, absolute dissinterest in any form of serious relationship, still having feelings for someone else and a few less important things like time consuming committments, prior arrangements of various types etc

Although on some occassions they have turned out to be a deal breaker for someone that hasnt made me alter the approach because I wouldnt want someone to keep seeing me purely because I have hidden important facts from them. As thats not the kind of basis I would want ANY type of interaction to start with, not even a casual one


For me, someone hiding something of that magnitude says a LOT about their character and honesty as an individual, and none of it is "attractive" as those are fundamental cornerstones of compatibility



Aside from that, someone in this type of situation is VERY likely to keep running back to the ex for "another try" whenever any new dalliance isnt a scripted fairy tale. And theyre not really ready to even be dating and wont be for a long time AFTER this dramafest has been on a purely platonic level for quite a while

So I would personally want to know fairly early on so I could just treat it as a fuckbuddy type interaction that wouldnt go anywhere else or just avoid the drama thats almost definitely going to be a part of it and find someone more emotionally stable and in a far more sane place in their life

 sportsgirl7700
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 29
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/23/2011 11:42:24 AM
I don't think anyone has the "right" to know anything about any current sexual partners until the two parties agree that they are going to be monogamous.

I do think that the woman in question might have a difficult time letting herself feel free to explore a potential relationship if she has the "crutch" of the other man whom she still has feelings for and is clearly "holding out" for.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 30
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/23/2011 7:52:31 PM
this all makes sense on paper.
but its also confusing. sometimes i almost "hate' the man i "love' for the postision I am in. its all me..my doing and fault and i take all the blame. if i start to date others he probably would become upset and wouldnt see me anymore anyway.
you are all right. it wont work.
wish i had a glass of wine right now. i am tired of the inner conflicts.
 RubyWaxxx
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 31
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 12:11:23 AM
^^Great post kaylie but...(there's always a but..lol..)
What if she can't cut off the sex?
This is going to take two to tango. He's going to have to agree to leave her alone. And maybe only see each other occasionally rather than regularly..
She's got to give herself some space from him in order to find another guy attractive, don't you think?
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 32
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Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 3:35:51 AM
I was actually in a kind of similar position last year, the first woman for quite a while I knew I could genuinely develop feelings for had been in an on/off relationship that had lasted for 7 years so far

Her ex/partner depending on what month it was had only been faithful to her for maybe a few months out of the 7 years but she is inherantly a very faithful person who believes in a relationship being able to weather both the downs as well as the ups

And even despite knowing about the cheating he had problems with drugs, violent or abusive outbursts was controlling etc

At the time he had his own home, but was of the mind he could just move back in with her at the house she owned when his lease ran out (she'd kicked him out a year before)

But deep down I knew she wasnt ready to actually "end" it, and that she wouldnt infact stand her ground and not let him move back in.

What she "needed" was a lifeboat, someone to be the reason they split up rather than having the conviction to do it herself which from experience with many couples over the years is a scenario thats rarely going to work out

So we reached a logical impasse, I would have been happy for us to go public about seeing each other as soon as she had made it 100% perfectly clear that she wasnt going to have him back under any circumstances

She on the other hand wanted to go public as a WAY of telling him that, rather than actually telling it to him straight

As a result it faded, and as predicted when he was finally evicted from the house he was in he moved straight back in with her and despite complaining about it she didnt say no

Needless to say, within three months she found out he was cheating again with the exact same woman, although she never found out about the other two he was also seeing and currently she is back at her parents and he is in the house she owns and that she is paying for

Somebody would really have to be insane to get involved in a true sense with someone who is still entwined with their current partner, Its only worth considering allowing a relationship to develop into something tangible when theyre fully out of it by their own actions because doing so by any other means often suggests theyre nowhere near being past the point where they would consider "one more try"

And needing to find someone else to use as a lifeboat or the "reason" it ends just shows that deep down the person isnt actually ready nor fully wanting to actually draw that line in the sand with their own actions and words

Because that WOULD make it feel like it was more convincingly "done"
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 33
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 4:18:12 AM

and what makes you think, Walts, and a few others that i am not going to tell a man i date the truth?



Didn't post my words to anyone directly,but if you want to believe it's all about your scenario alone, so be it. Your scene can be used as an example though if you would like. Just as a "seperated" person usually has unresolved issues which should be faced before "inviting" another into their lives, I consider your scenario exactley the same if not a little more confusing and potentially hurtful(for those you are inviting in).

I find this scene another example of an individual worrying about "just" themselves, their needs, their "loneliness, and not worrying much about the "others" involved. If you "can't" deal with the show you are involved with, why try and find another show to be part of?????? Doesn't seem to me to be the wisiest of things to do.

EDIT: I have to add this, to show that some of us will not just "Run away" when hearing of past adventures. I have become attracted to a certain woman in real life in the last couple of months. She, in turn, is also interested in me. BUT, she has come out and told me how much she is still hurting, feeling,etc, because of this past relationship and doesn't feel it would be fair to me, her or "us" if she didn't deal with her feelings of the past. I've(we've) decided to pull back quite a bit, to get things in "order" as it maybe. All her actions and words have done is make her more attractive to me, and have made me a little more patient for what "could happen". We both just want a clean slate to play with.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 34
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Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 4:27:08 AM
Girl..you are in a toxic-toxic-toxic relationship right now..hell, he has tried to push you away, and you keep hanging in there..WHY???

Cut the ties, whatever they are..and walk..do not date, get some cobwebs cleared, get a path you want worked out, a valid, useful path..and then carefully and logically walk it.

Only you can do this..IF..you want to. If not, then be prepared for whatever you get.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 35
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Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 4:54:13 AM

To you most certainly have to lie by ommision. You can dress it up anyway you like " Who says all on a first date" but deep down you know the truth. And if you think about it honestly. You know that if the situation was reversed. You would want to know the RAW version of the truth upfront. Anything else and you would feel like you were decieved.

^^^Not necessarily.

Kaylee's excellent post speaks to the 'process' very well. There are many people out there who are as conflicted as the man she describes. And there are others.

Sometimes people believe they're over someone and unwittingly it can be the new person coming along, reaching out and connecting in the ways of a former partner that can trigger 'the process' from its dormancy -- In a case like this, disclosure or deception isn't the issue.

All anyone can do is choose to the best of their ability and then take a leap - armed with their own version of a 'buyer beware' parachute.

Time is what needs to play out in most cases -- there's nothing out there can be vetted to 100% certainty; relationships especially.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 36
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 6:13:21 AM
We all have to find our own way. Maybe our own way isn't yours, or isn't th e healthiest, or the quickest, or easiest...but we still have to find our way on our own. It's like letting our kids stumble and fall...*shrug*
I totally agree with this. But before one can begin to find ones way, they have to find the courage to let go. In the case of the lady in my OP it's totally different from the man in your story. She is in love with and continue to see her fwb while looking for a replacement. That can never ever work. She will be comparing every new man to him and as soon as they don't match up, she will go running back to him. A pattern she has gone through before I might add. Since she tried this and failed before, I see nothing that's changed to make me think it will work this time.

For it to work for HER(not someone else)she has to find the courage to break away completely from this man. Then she has to take some time off to get over the relationship. Only then will the new man in her life have a fair chance.

Trying to slip from one relationship to the next will only work if there is no emotional attachment to the last relationship. If there is still unresolved issue with the last, then that has to be taken cared of before moving forward. Anything else and you're just setting yourself up to fail.

The truth as I see it is she is one of those people that need to be in a relationship to feel validated. So she can't truly let go of this one until she finds a replacement. And she can't truly find a REAL replacement until she truly let go. So it's a catch 22.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 37
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Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 6:21:13 AM
I have been reading all your threads here and seriously -

What the hell is wrong with you right now?

first there is the panties and the gun.
Then there is the ex boyfriend from the past.
Then there is some guy who does not know what he wants, blah blah.

Everyone here is trying to psychoanalyze this crap -

Its real simple Kal -

try for just a little time - just a little getting your self esteem from yourself.

You are trying so very hard to replace something that is missing inside of
you with some guy- any guy.

You dont need a guy to complete you. You are complete. Until you start
to see yourself as you truly are - a beautiful, strong, resourceful woman will
you stop settling for all this drama and bullshit.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 38
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 7:01:02 AM
What a ring circus this is.

Let's start with the original man A and woman. The man is a manipulator, and the woman is an enabler. She is so insecure, so afraid of her own emotions that she allows this man to control the relationship. So then she goes out and finds other men, let's call them Men B. When she pursues this without finalizing what she had with Man A, this will never ever get anything resolved and will always stay in a state of uncertainty.

Now, let's say that I happened to be in the role of Man B. We go out on our first date, and during that date, the questions are going to pop up. She is going t ask me, how long have I been single, and out of a relationship, did you love someone. I will answer, and then I will ask her. If she says that she is out of a relationship and not dating anyone. That is not a lie of omission, that is a flat out lie. What will happen is that unless the lie she has fabricated in her head is really solid, which means that not only she has been deceived by man A, but she has been deceived by her own self, many inconsistencies will come to the surface. Either way, if I was in the position of Man B, at the end of the date, there will be a hug and a goodbye and not a phone call.

The sad thing is that there will be other Men B, that will step into this minefield willing, and mainly because this is the perfect opportunity for booty call. And that will work quite well, as long as they realize that they is and more than likely never will be an emotional connection.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 39
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 7:16:08 AM
The person still tied romantically to another is only going to spread thier misery to other people.

She can delude herself that she is entightled to go out and try to move on...but she is just diluting these waters with her crap.

No one should be dating when they are in love with someone. Going out as friends, all cards on the table ahead of time? Im fine with that. Dating, advertising for a new love when you are still in love with someone else? Tacky, tacky, tacky...and the main reason there are so many broken hearts in these sites.

People feel entightled to have other people fix thier hurting hearts. When the onus is on yourself to fix your hurting heart before entering the dating arena.

The person who plays these games will end up hurting someone who doesnt deserve it, and the man who 'caused' her to act this way will still not be giving her what she wants. No one wins here.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 40
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 3:23:13 PM
The bottom line is that she really don't want to move on. She is hoping that by telling him she intends to move on, he will come to his senses and not want to lose her. But for that to work he has to actually give a crap about her walking or not. And deep down I think she knows he really could care less. So he called her bluff and she is now stuck in limbo. Pretending to be searching but knowing deep down that the way she is going about it has to fail.But she keep right on pretending, it's the only way she can save face in this situation.

Man I wish you would go reread Curlygrl post 5 or 6 times until what she said seriously sinks into you head.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 41
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 4:47:51 PM

If and when she thinks she has found a potential new mate she will end the sexual part of the relationship with now b/f and turn that into a platonic friendship.

Won't happen. Certainly not cleanly; not by a long-shot. If she couldn't end the relationship in the first place to be platonic, even WITHOUT enough sex, she's not going to leave him -- or it will take hell & high water over time to.

She will then move the sexual thing to the new guy and see where that goes since she only have sex with one person at a time.

Lol - yeah right...

Can this scenario possibly work?

For all PRACTICAL purposes -- no. And remember, ALL situations are unique -- so calling something 'different' doesn't hold water.

Does the potential new guy have a right to ALL the info so he can make an informed decision in moving forward?

If he's going toward an actual Relationship with her -- yes. But he should not expect the truth -- even if she's not "lying". You're going to get skewed interpretations most likely anyway. Way too hairy to assume what's told is an accurate picture. But yes, for a guy to step out on that branch, yes, he does.

How soon should such info be given to him?

Pretty soon -- not too long after engaging with that person, whether it be pen-paling for a good time online, or meeting rather swiftly right after the 1st meet.

Is she serious about finding a new man if she can't let go of the parachute that is her now b/f?.

She is -- in the time being -- she wants both. A new man more in-the-now, but that parachute is the green screen that's not going away.

As long as she has the security of the guy she is in love with to go back to, can she move forward with a potential new relationship?

Not in any healthy way, that's for sure. If you can't leave your bf/gf, when you're not getting adequate "lovin", you obviously have attachment about them that you can't let go of so well. Chances are very very slim it'd work out close to somewhat cleanly over time. And that's being generous.

How can she expect to give the new guy a chance if she is still in love with someone else?

She can't. She shouldn't. She's an idiot if she does. If she doesn't realize this, that's even WORSE. Then there's about a Zero chance for anything remotely close to healthy developing.

For any potential new relationship to have a chance of working, does she need to cut ALL ties with her now boyfriend ?

Yes. She needs first of all, to cut all ties and be SINGLE... you can't expect ALL ties in ALL ways from Day 1 to be truly, fully cut of course... she needs to experience the rebound effect, where she not only doesn't WANT him at all, but ALSO very importantly has already gotten her feet wet in the dating/singles scene for a good while, too (which in and of itself helps getting over someone as well).

End that relationship for good, take some time away from dating to make sure she is over him, then move forward and start trying to find someone else?

Yep -- got it. Easy solution, although not easily emotionally for her. Insert "date others casually/lightly" in there while she's making sure she's over him... and only after she IS over him (ie not thinking about him nearly every day) + having rubbed elbows with guys here and there .... over many months (or possibly a year or so if it was super long with him), THEN start thinking Relationship.

Not that it would execute that well, because we're all imperfect, but that should be her serious aim, most definitely.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 42
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Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 4:50:27 PM
The woman in this scenario is so utterly incapable of being honest with herself that there is not way on earth she is going to be honest with a new man in her life.

I don't think anybody necessarily has a "right" to anything.

Do I think this woman is doing the right thing? Absolutely not.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 43
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 5:13:32 PM
She should disclose that.

But it has been my experience
that women who date that way...
don't.

Same as guys don't
who do the same.

So I try to sense for that issue
instead of asking about it.
(cus that won't be honestly answered.)

Serious dating should be a progression of deeper bonding for both,
not just one infatuated with another.
If you are not feeling/getting that....be cautious.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 44
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 5:53:25 PM
i will be disclosing it.
already did with 2 men.
one decided not to see me,
the other decided that he would like to meet me.

i am trying to make a change without feeling the heartbreak that i went through over a year ago. its was so awful, i spent months in my bed crying. i went through an entire year apart from him....no calls, no texts, no contact. i never totally healed.
i cant go through that kind of break up again where you cut all contact.
I became depressed...it was worse than ever. i dont want that again. i have to be strong for my family.
i dont know what it is really with my bf....he behaves as if he loves me sometimes...
other times not. but he wont commit to anything. not just with me...but with doing things. I became very attached to him. its been 5 years. it hurts to break off attachments with someone you love and care about.

for the poster who said something about who i sleep with...
i am monogamous...one person at a time...someone who i am in a relationship with.
i would have to tell my bf if that time has come and say goodbye to him.
that is how we planned things.
i dont want to hurt anyone, and i am careful about that.

how many ppl have fwb who date others? granted,..this is more than a fwb,..but not too much more at this time.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 45
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 6:39:29 PM
AND...the main reason I wanted to post is that maybe it seems extreme to still be screwing your fwb you love AND dating new people...

Acctually, that isn't what seems extreme or out of line. It goes over the top where she expects one of those new people she's dating to possibly end up in a long term relationship with her once she decides she wants to give up sleeping with fwb. If it was just having an fwb around and dating guys, possibly with sex inviolved, that wouldn't be out of line as long as she's not deceiving anyone.

My point is simply that I dont' see anything wrong with being upfront about not being "emotionally available" and trying to date and meet someone new while still emotionally stuck ont he old one. As far as being upfront, hell, put it on the profile. That makes it the easiest. That way everyone's on the same page.

That would be fine, but I think the upshot of that is that the only dates she'd get would be with guys who aren't interested in anything but sex. If I wanted a long term relationship with a woman, I expected her to be free and clear of all baggage including even friendly ties to any previous partners (except possibly women with children where completely severing ties with the ex was not possible).

Def cut off sex w/the old dude before starting anything sexually with a new dude, of course.

Color me weird, but I really don't think I could be dating a woman who is sleeping with someone else and only decides to stop when she decided to sleep with me. She had better have stopped and cut ties before we went on a first date. If I had found out a woman was still involved with someone else when I started dating and she didn't tell me, I wouldn't really feel obligated to tell her that she ruled out her chances of a relationship with me, even though she had. I also think the chances that I'd find out are close to 100%.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 46
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 5:17:11 AM

i never totally healed.


Okay, maybe here is where YOUR first step SHOULD start!!!!!


i cant go through that kind of break up again where you cut all contact.
I became depressed...it was worse than ever. i dont want that again. i have to be strong for my family.


In all honesty, your words and thoughts show that you should be going to someone professionally to talk to about your mixed feelings, and "needs". Your thoughts are a little sideways and backwards, not making it possible for you to "go forward". In fact, you are going BACKWARDS.

I don't know anyone that enjoys breaking up with someone you have feelings for. None. Zilch. Zero. I do know many people that accept the fact, deal with the pain(cause we do have to deal with it), and carry on another day looking forward, because of the experinces we have had in the past. Sometimes we have to chop off a bad finger, so that we can use the rest of our hand. It hurts in the begining, or when you sit and stare at that bad finger "knowing" it has to go,but, after it is gone, and you decide to use the remaining hand for what it can be used for, all is well. Usually MUCH better than we could ever imagine.

Our brains are a funny thing. We can make things a lot worse than they really are, which makes us wallow in self pity. Or we can just say phuck em all, and carry on.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 47
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Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 7:12:50 AM

Counselling is probably a possible scenario... Who knows really





i am trying to make a change without feeling the heartbreak that i went through over a year ago. its was so awful, i spent months in my bed crying. i went through an entire year apart from him....


That has nothing to do with the way you tied to end it, simply that you needed professional help or at the very least "longer"

This is like a heroin addict trying to quit for a week then claiming its "impossible" to quit before starting to use again.

A dependant mentality will be most attractive to control freaks and abusers. Most other people prefer someone who has their own life and someone who would actually just get on with their life after something like that.

But what you decribe is closer to clinical depression, or an inability to cope with every day life. And before inflicting yourself onto some other poor unsuspective victim you should get whatever it is that makes you react like that dealt with and then you would have the stregnth of character, independance and resilience to live your own life, on your own terms ON your own for a bit so you would be mentally and emotionally stable enough to be a suitable partner for someone


no calls, no texts, no contact. i never totally healed.
i cant go through that kind of break up again where you cut all contact.


And how exactly did crawling back to him alter "nor healing" exactly?

And yes you "can" go through that again, infact you "can" go through it more quickly and far less like a manic depressive who cant find their prozac pills

You just need to address the reasons you dont THINK you can get through it and deal with the problem itself rather than running away from it and looking for some easy , lazy selfish alternative like you have now


i have to be strong for my family


Being strong "isnt" giving up on something because its a bit difficult and isnt super duper fun. A "strong" person wouldnt have spent all that time in a manic depressive slump snivelling into their pillows then given up and taken the easy escape by going back to him

How can you be "strong" for your family when at each turn you have taken the easiest, laziest path of least inconvenience?

"Stregnth" is doing what needs to be done WITHOUT becoming a blubbering blob of snot and tears.

I know this isnt what you were probably hoping to hear, and and might seem harsh

But you do need to realise that the way you reacted isnt normal and is something that some professional help will probably be able to correct. Moving like a hermit crab from relationship to relationship only masks the psychological issues that caused you to react that way, it wont alter them or make them go away. For you be be able to cope with this kind of thing and be able to live your life on YOUR terms rather than clinging to flawed and unhealthy relationships to avoid solitude you need to address the actual problems you have and conquer them otherwise you will never feel completely happy



how many ppl have fwb who date others?


Depends on what you mean by "date", and are you sure you mean FWB rather than just an FB?

Personally all my "FWB"s have been exclusive, so too have been my casual interactions and FBs too. When one or the other is planning a "date" the sexual side ends until the date is seen as going nowhere and then it might start again, or the person might keep looking

If youre talking about someone dating lets say once or twice a week and having sex with their FWB in between the FWB isnt really "ending" so its not really that different to you still being with your ex in an actual relationship but dating others except that you allege he is aware of it

Personally if someone told me that I would want to hear it from their partner to make sure it wasnt someone just cheating and claiming it was an open relationship, or some "weird" arrangement. As thats the exact same line most cheaters do infact use anyway
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 48
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 9:50:45 AM

Color me weird, but I really don't think I could be dating a woman who is sleeping with someone else and only decides to stop when she decided to sleep with me. She had better have stopped and cut ties before we went on a first date. If I had found out a woman was still involved with someone else when I started dating and she didn't tell me, I wouldn't really feel obligated to tell her that she ruled out her chances of a relationship with me, even though she had. I also think the chances that I'd find out are close to 100%.

I guess there's a fine line here. If I'm single and not dating anyone, and call an ex once in a while for sex - not one I'm hung up on of course, but one who's convenient because I don't want to go out sleep with strangers, it doesn't have much to do with anyone I meet and start dating.

Once you meet someone you like (in my case anyway) the ex or arrangement whatever it may be would naturally pale to something new that comes along - so the progression would naturally be that the old thing goes by the wayside. It's generally not there because it's the most exciting thing ever - more so that it's familiar, safe, hassle free.

I highly doubt any men I start dating whether it becomes serious or not are celibate before meeting me or even consider it initially unless they date me a couple times. I would think I'd be out of line to think that before I come along or before he knows me that well, he should cut his social or sex life short. It's also none of my business before I'm invested in someone whether or not someone else is in the picture while he's single - he doesn't owe me an explanation about that.

There does come a time where you cut off the old and move forward with the new, but before you even meet the new person you may end up with next - should you sit on a block of ice?

This isn't aimed at anyone who chooses to stay away from sex between relationships, that's a different thing.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 49
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 10:15:20 AM
Mike:
"Stregnth" is doing what needs to be done WITHOUT becoming a blubbering blob of snot and tears.
I disagree.

I think strength is doing what needs to be done despite your painful feelings on the matter. It's not the snot and tears that make you weak, it's letting them control you.. being a slave to your emotions because you think you will capsize, instead of standing up and saying, 'No. Enough is enough'.

Because if you do that, at least there is an end to the tears.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 50
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 10:24:22 AM
I think strength is doing what needs to be done despite your painful feelings on the matter. It's not the snot and tears that make you weak, it's letting them control you.. being a slave to your emotions because you think you will capsize, instead of standing up and saying, 'No. Enough is enough'.

Because if you do that, at least there is an end to the tears.
You just made a fellow Canadian so proud. I think I'm tearing up, I better go get a napkin. At this moment a peacock aint got nothing on me.
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