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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?      Home login  
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 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 43
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
She should disclose that.

But it has been my experience
that women who date that way...
don't.

Same as guys don't
who do the same.

So I try to sense for that issue
instead of asking about it.
(cus that won't be honestly answered.)

Serious dating should be a progression of deeper bonding for both,
not just one infatuated with another.
If you are not feeling/getting that....be cautious.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 44
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 5:53:25 PM
i will be disclosing it.
already did with 2 men.
one decided not to see me,
the other decided that he would like to meet me.

i am trying to make a change without feeling the heartbreak that i went through over a year ago. its was so awful, i spent months in my bed crying. i went through an entire year apart from him....no calls, no texts, no contact. i never totally healed.
i cant go through that kind of break up again where you cut all contact.
I became depressed...it was worse than ever. i dont want that again. i have to be strong for my family.
i dont know what it is really with my bf....he behaves as if he loves me sometimes...
other times not. but he wont commit to anything. not just with me...but with doing things. I became very attached to him. its been 5 years. it hurts to break off attachments with someone you love and care about.

for the poster who said something about who i sleep with...
i am monogamous...one person at a time...someone who i am in a relationship with.
i would have to tell my bf if that time has come and say goodbye to him.
that is how we planned things.
i dont want to hurt anyone, and i am careful about that.

how many ppl have fwb who date others? granted,..this is more than a fwb,..but not too much more at this time.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 45
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/24/2011 6:39:29 PM
AND...the main reason I wanted to post is that maybe it seems extreme to still be screwing your fwb you love AND dating new people...

Acctually, that isn't what seems extreme or out of line. It goes over the top where she expects one of those new people she's dating to possibly end up in a long term relationship with her once she decides she wants to give up sleeping with fwb. If it was just having an fwb around and dating guys, possibly with sex inviolved, that wouldn't be out of line as long as she's not deceiving anyone.

My point is simply that I dont' see anything wrong with being upfront about not being "emotionally available" and trying to date and meet someone new while still emotionally stuck ont he old one. As far as being upfront, hell, put it on the profile. That makes it the easiest. That way everyone's on the same page.

That would be fine, but I think the upshot of that is that the only dates she'd get would be with guys who aren't interested in anything but sex. If I wanted a long term relationship with a woman, I expected her to be free and clear of all baggage including even friendly ties to any previous partners (except possibly women with children where completely severing ties with the ex was not possible).

Def cut off sex w/the old dude before starting anything sexually with a new dude, of course.

Color me weird, but I really don't think I could be dating a woman who is sleeping with someone else and only decides to stop when she decided to sleep with me. She had better have stopped and cut ties before we went on a first date. If I had found out a woman was still involved with someone else when I started dating and she didn't tell me, I wouldn't really feel obligated to tell her that she ruled out her chances of a relationship with me, even though she had. I also think the chances that I'd find out are close to 100%.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 46
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 5:17:11 AM

i never totally healed.


Okay, maybe here is where YOUR first step SHOULD start!!!!!


i cant go through that kind of break up again where you cut all contact.
I became depressed...it was worse than ever. i dont want that again. i have to be strong for my family.


In all honesty, your words and thoughts show that you should be going to someone professionally to talk to about your mixed feelings, and "needs". Your thoughts are a little sideways and backwards, not making it possible for you to "go forward". In fact, you are going BACKWARDS.

I don't know anyone that enjoys breaking up with someone you have feelings for. None. Zilch. Zero. I do know many people that accept the fact, deal with the pain(cause we do have to deal with it), and carry on another day looking forward, because of the experinces we have had in the past. Sometimes we have to chop off a bad finger, so that we can use the rest of our hand. It hurts in the begining, or when you sit and stare at that bad finger "knowing" it has to go,but, after it is gone, and you decide to use the remaining hand for what it can be used for, all is well. Usually MUCH better than we could ever imagine.

Our brains are a funny thing. We can make things a lot worse than they really are, which makes us wallow in self pity. Or we can just say phuck em all, and carry on.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 47
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Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 7:12:50 AM

Counselling is probably a possible scenario... Who knows really





i am trying to make a change without feeling the heartbreak that i went through over a year ago. its was so awful, i spent months in my bed crying. i went through an entire year apart from him....


That has nothing to do with the way you tied to end it, simply that you needed professional help or at the very least "longer"

This is like a heroin addict trying to quit for a week then claiming its "impossible" to quit before starting to use again.

A dependant mentality will be most attractive to control freaks and abusers. Most other people prefer someone who has their own life and someone who would actually just get on with their life after something like that.

But what you decribe is closer to clinical depression, or an inability to cope with every day life. And before inflicting yourself onto some other poor unsuspective victim you should get whatever it is that makes you react like that dealt with and then you would have the stregnth of character, independance and resilience to live your own life, on your own terms ON your own for a bit so you would be mentally and emotionally stable enough to be a suitable partner for someone


no calls, no texts, no contact. i never totally healed.
i cant go through that kind of break up again where you cut all contact.


And how exactly did crawling back to him alter "nor healing" exactly?

And yes you "can" go through that again, infact you "can" go through it more quickly and far less like a manic depressive who cant find their prozac pills

You just need to address the reasons you dont THINK you can get through it and deal with the problem itself rather than running away from it and looking for some easy , lazy selfish alternative like you have now


i have to be strong for my family


Being strong "isnt" giving up on something because its a bit difficult and isnt super duper fun. A "strong" person wouldnt have spent all that time in a manic depressive slump snivelling into their pillows then given up and taken the easy escape by going back to him

How can you be "strong" for your family when at each turn you have taken the easiest, laziest path of least inconvenience?

"Stregnth" is doing what needs to be done WITHOUT becoming a blubbering blob of snot and tears.

I know this isnt what you were probably hoping to hear, and and might seem harsh

But you do need to realise that the way you reacted isnt normal and is something that some professional help will probably be able to correct. Moving like a hermit crab from relationship to relationship only masks the psychological issues that caused you to react that way, it wont alter them or make them go away. For you be be able to cope with this kind of thing and be able to live your life on YOUR terms rather than clinging to flawed and unhealthy relationships to avoid solitude you need to address the actual problems you have and conquer them otherwise you will never feel completely happy



how many ppl have fwb who date others?


Depends on what you mean by "date", and are you sure you mean FWB rather than just an FB?

Personally all my "FWB"s have been exclusive, so too have been my casual interactions and FBs too. When one or the other is planning a "date" the sexual side ends until the date is seen as going nowhere and then it might start again, or the person might keep looking

If youre talking about someone dating lets say once or twice a week and having sex with their FWB in between the FWB isnt really "ending" so its not really that different to you still being with your ex in an actual relationship but dating others except that you allege he is aware of it

Personally if someone told me that I would want to hear it from their partner to make sure it wasnt someone just cheating and claiming it was an open relationship, or some "weird" arrangement. As thats the exact same line most cheaters do infact use anyway
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 48
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 9:50:45 AM

Color me weird, but I really don't think I could be dating a woman who is sleeping with someone else and only decides to stop when she decided to sleep with me. She had better have stopped and cut ties before we went on a first date. If I had found out a woman was still involved with someone else when I started dating and she didn't tell me, I wouldn't really feel obligated to tell her that she ruled out her chances of a relationship with me, even though she had. I also think the chances that I'd find out are close to 100%.

I guess there's a fine line here. If I'm single and not dating anyone, and call an ex once in a while for sex - not one I'm hung up on of course, but one who's convenient because I don't want to go out sleep with strangers, it doesn't have much to do with anyone I meet and start dating.

Once you meet someone you like (in my case anyway) the ex or arrangement whatever it may be would naturally pale to something new that comes along - so the progression would naturally be that the old thing goes by the wayside. It's generally not there because it's the most exciting thing ever - more so that it's familiar, safe, hassle free.

I highly doubt any men I start dating whether it becomes serious or not are celibate before meeting me or even consider it initially unless they date me a couple times. I would think I'd be out of line to think that before I come along or before he knows me that well, he should cut his social or sex life short. It's also none of my business before I'm invested in someone whether or not someone else is in the picture while he's single - he doesn't owe me an explanation about that.

There does come a time where you cut off the old and move forward with the new, but before you even meet the new person you may end up with next - should you sit on a block of ice?

This isn't aimed at anyone who chooses to stay away from sex between relationships, that's a different thing.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 49
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 10:15:20 AM
Mike:
"Stregnth" is doing what needs to be done WITHOUT becoming a blubbering blob of snot and tears.
I disagree.

I think strength is doing what needs to be done despite your painful feelings on the matter. It's not the snot and tears that make you weak, it's letting them control you.. being a slave to your emotions because you think you will capsize, instead of standing up and saying, 'No. Enough is enough'.

Because if you do that, at least there is an end to the tears.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 50
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 10:24:22 AM
I think strength is doing what needs to be done despite your painful feelings on the matter. It's not the snot and tears that make you weak, it's letting them control you.. being a slave to your emotions because you think you will capsize, instead of standing up and saying, 'No. Enough is enough'.

Because if you do that, at least there is an end to the tears.
You just made a fellow Canadian so proud. I think I'm tearing up, I better go get a napkin. At this moment a peacock aint got nothing on me.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 51
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 10:48:15 AM
^^^ Aww shucks thanks my fellow Canadian
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 52
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Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 12:53:36 PM

I disagree.


and


being a slave to your emotions because you think you will capsize, instead of standing up and saying, 'No. Enough is enough'.

Because if you do that, at least there is an end to the tears.


How is making the same point I was making "disagreeing"?

If theres an "end to the tears" then it would kind of imply someone isnt "a blubbering blob of snot and tears" anymore would it not?

It kinda would you know



 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 53
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 1:01:07 PM
It's actually pretty clear what you were implying..
"Stregnth" is doing what needs to be done WITHOUT becoming a blubbering blob of snot and tears.
.. that being strong means NOT crying.

What I was suggesting is that strength means doing what needs to be done DESPITE said tears.

I'm sorry that that needed further explanation.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 54
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 1:06:39 PM
I guess there's a fine line here.

Sure, but unless you draw it distinctly, it's also a vague, fuzzy line. I just know where it has to be drawn for me and there's no allowance for a a vague or fuzzy line.

There does come a time where you cut off the old and move forward with the new, but before you even meet the new person you may end up with next - should you sit on a block of ice?

No, I don't expect someone to sit on a block of ice. However, what I do expect is this. Suppose I go out on a date with some woman and the night before, she had sex with some guy - fwb, stranger, whatever. That's fine. I don't care about that. However, if she has any intention of seeing me again with any expectation that it could lead to a relationship, she won't be seeing the guy she saw the night before our date again. She's welcome to make a phone call and tell him not call her or contact her again, but that's it. If she doesn't want to do that, then she's welcome to be a fwb or whatever up until I go on a date with someone who is does want to pursue a relationship and who does meet those terms. If the first woman decided to be a fwb, then at the point I went on a date with a woman with whom I decided to pursue a relationship , I'd cut ties with the fwb to meet the same conditions I'd expect.

This situation never came up in real life, so I never really had to give it any thought until I started dating online. In real life, I always knew enough about someone to know if she had any baggage. Online, I had to find a way to ensure I was only going to get involved in relationships with women who I considered available and baggage/drama free, so I expected women to cut those ties before meeting me. If we met, she wanted to see me again and pursue a possible relationship, our first meeting was where the line got drawn. She was welcome to call Mr. Last Night and say, cya, but that was it. If I had found out that a woman had lied to me and had seen a fwb or whatever, even once after that first meeting, she would have been SOL, regardless of how long it was before I found out. I wasn't going to give anyone any incentive to lie to me and expect that six months or a year later that if I found out, that I'd be in too deep to walk.

The number of women who had a problem with that was exactly 1, so it really wasn't like that was an issue. If anything, a lot of women seemed rather happy to know I wasn't going to be the one with someone hanging around from the past for some indeterminate amount of time. I just made sure that everything was understood upfront and that no one (especially me) had to make any assumptions that could lead to drama later on.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 55
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 1:45:15 PM
I think strength is doing what needs to be done despite your painful feelings on the matter. It's not the snot and tears that make you weak, it's letting them control you.. being a slave to your emotions because you think you will capsize, instead of standing up and saying, 'No. Enough is enough'.

I agree. But also, there's a yin to every yang. You don't want to be a slave to your emotions or "gut" to lead you to control others and always think you're in the right. Many times those two stances can be confused -- one can think they're "standing up" to someone when really, they're controlling them. In the end, it's about being objective -- whether you're being controlled or you're being controlling, regardless of what your emotions lead you to (want to) believe.

i cant go through that kind of break up again where you cut all contact.
I became depressed...it was worse than ever. i dont want that again. i have to be strong for my family.

Easier said than done, and not easy, but see a therapist -- you do need to grow up, and that's putting it lightly. Being so weak like that isn't an excuse -- many folks can be like that for a while, but can get over it, when you can't... You have to grow... to be okay to be single. For more than a year, in your case. Getting help can do that for you - seriously. Or you can just be a basket-case. Your call.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 56
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Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/25/2011 1:57:24 PM

What I was suggesting is that strength means doing what needs to be done DESPITE said tears.

I'm sorry that that needed further explanation


Actually I still disagree

I wouldnt class someone who goes about their daily business whilst crying as "strong" in the slightest, attention seeking maybe, a drama queen or maybe just someone who didnt get their prescription for prozac in time

Nor is someone who cant function, stays in bed sobbing and falls into depression as the OP said was the case with them

"Strong" for me is someone who goes about their daily life, get on with what has to be done and then might cry "some" times. Which is hardly as I quite specifically stated a

"WITHOUT becoming a blubbering blob of snot and tears"

Because how is that, by ANY stretch of the imagination someone who is "getting on with what needs to be done"?

Its not basically

Which I also thought shouldnt have needed clarification
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 57
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/26/2011 3:01:02 AM
i am not deceiving anyone.

i did go an a second date yesterday and took everything that i have read here into account and I did tell him how i am involved but able to look out.
he still wants to see me.

but i may have to back out because he sends over 10 textx, 5 mails, a day,
tells me i am the best thing in his life (this is 2nd date)
etc etc.
a flatterer? to get what he wants? even thougth i told him that wont happen for a while.
or was he sincere?

you see....all the deception I have been through from men
instead of going through it with someone else..
at least I love and know the other man and know he would never physically harm me.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 58
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/26/2011 5:08:27 AM
The last time I post here....


i am not deceiving anyone.


In fact you are deceiving yourself.


he still wants to see me.


Probably speaks volumes on the man himself. Just sayin.


but i may have to back out because he sends over 10 textx, 5 mails, a day,
tells me i am the best thing in his life (this is 2nd date)
etc etc.


And then he reconfirms.



you see....all the deception I have been through from men
instead of going through it with someone else..
at least I love and know the other man and know he would never physically harm me.


With all these words, I have really no clue what you are trying to say. Do you?????

Good luck in the future.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 59
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/26/2011 6:54:10 AM
i did go an a second date yesterday and took everything that i have read here into account and I did tell him how i am involved but able to look out.
he still wants to see me.
If you told him EVERYTHING...Inculding that you're still in love with your current fwb and can't seem to break away from him. And he still wants to see you? I would be seriously concerned about this new guys. He most certainly have some real issues himself. A normal person would run like hell from you after hearing your real story.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 60
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 10/26/2011 10:55:32 AM
annasthasia: my boyfriend picks me up when we choose to see one another;
it is a one and a half hour drive, then we dive backup to the ranch.
why would you have assumed i that I drove there? and what would that matter?

my car doesnt make it up his road. he lives on the top on a mountain, needs a 4 wheel drive.

and i dont crawl into bed....whatever.
He is my boyfreind NOT a fwb although its turning into that.

on the other hand so far i have told this to everyone i have seen right away.

upon ready what Kalie said, that is also the idea i had...just dating, not serious, but if it felt right with somone thats when i would have to leave my almost ex bf.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 61
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 11/19/2011 5:43:57 PM
OP-this situation sounds unacceptable and lame. Don't you think you should be asking yourself why you would even be interested in/tolerate being second? It's not feasible, healthy or realistic to jump from one to the other like that. The one who usually gets hurt the most in deals like this is the one willing to take the leftover scraps . Walk away from this one bud, lots of other fish in the sea!
 CasperImproved
Joined: 11/13/2011
Msg: 62
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 11/19/2011 10:33:45 PM
I don't think anyone else here has hit that nail on the head so squarely, and in so few words. You haven't watched Karate Kid and practiced the nail hitting have you?

you made smile.

On topic... I would have little expectation on a first date to hear all the gory details. But if I were so inclined as to want a second date, you're damn skippy I would want to know about an existing relationship.

And I would not bother with an ultimatum. I would assume that even if she dropped the relationship with the one she loves, she wouldn't have the mental health to start a new relationship and would just wish her well and be on my way.... politely.
 CasperImproved
Joined: 11/13/2011
Msg: 63
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 11/19/2011 10:36:25 PM
Honestly?

If you haven't gotten over a past love, you are not ready for a new one.

And if you can't get past the old one, seek help.
 Alpha78
Joined: 7/18/2009
Msg: 64
Does the new man have a right to know unfront what he is getting into?
Posted: 11/19/2011 10:38:53 PM

But again, people write in their profiles what they think will work for them, and then they do in reality what they actually WANT to do. It's one of those essential aspects of human behavior that one must simply accept, no matter how "right" or "wrong" or even just plain DUMB it might be.


You are one intelligent man igorfrankensteen.

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