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Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 26
Wait or Not?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

You've been played woman!...You just meet a real player in the real world!

I think it's the other way around. They never met in person, but she wants a commitment and monogamous relationship with him. Who does that after one date/weekend? The guy did the normal thing by saying "slow down". But like on so many posts here, everything is automatically the guy's fault, no matter what the circumstances. A guy who doesn't commit to a woman within five minutes is automatically a player. It's also another case where a couple agree to meet up for mutual sex or whatever, people always say the woman is the victim and was played.
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 27
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 3:54:33 PM
More like that's ONE of the prerequisites.

i mean it's not like the only two options that could possibly exist in the universe are [a] an immediate commitment after sex; or [2] being used like cum dumpster. there is a middle road and it's called taking a reasonable amount of time to get to know somebody before jumping to conclusions.

Exactly. That really sums it up nicely :)
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 28
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 4:40:36 PM
Men are not women with penises.
Or, men do not possess a women's brain.

In other words, we don't think like women.

A series of long conversations over the phone/email/IM/text messages where we tell you our life story, followed by "one hot weekend together" do not add up to "committed relationship" in our feeble male minds.

Sheesh, OP, take it slow. You're going to drive men away with a mentality like this. Besides, what's the friggin hurry?
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 29
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 4:57:58 PM
so after one great weekend, you are wanting to head to the altar????

He pretty much told it how it is and where he is.....he doesn't want a future with you, doesn't want exclusivity with you, or he would NOT be talking with anyone else.....he doesn't want commitment, either.

He isn't emotionally ready and he told you that, but you weren't willing to listen to it. - Biggest mistake women make is not listening to a man tell them they aren't ready...... because then they get is huge idea they can "change their minds" and go to all ends of Planet Earth to try.....and in the bitter and miserably.

Basically, to be blunt......he just isn't that into you.

Don't accept any sexy pics, emails, snail mails, or texts or any other type of correspondence from him and let it go.

Basically, you are nothing more an an FWB with him, and if you are willing to settle, knock yourself out.....putting off the inevitable will only hurt worse in the end.
Joined: 5/13/2009
Msg: 30
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 5:04:27 PM
if he really made a promise to himself not to get serious again..
it will be a long haul and he'll have to get to a point where he feels that he doesn't want to live without you to really flip the switch...and he will have to really trust you..
1 month isn't enough for someone like that to get over his emotional hurdles.

I'd say you keep hanging onto this "friend with benefit" and start looking for the next one.
It's only fair because he is really putting you into the "benefits" category, so that means you shouldn't be exclusive to him. Let him know that you think he's an awesome guy, but this is what you will do because you don't want to end up the loser with a broken heart. If he doesn't want you to see anyone else, then he truly does want to be yours, but he has a huge psychological barrier to climb over...but if he doesn't mind, then you are really far from being "an item" to him, so you're the only one who took this seriously, after all.
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 31
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 5:09:27 PM
OK, if you want that kind of relationship
you are gonna have to see each other more often.
One date and alot heart to heart talking isn't a relationship.

Personally I think 90% of all LDRs are heartbreaks waiting to happen.
but if you want to test this....
offer to visit him.

If he's hesitant or skittish of you spending time with him...
then you know...
he's not legit.

good luck.
Joined: 8/7/2009
Msg: 32
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 5:28:03 PM
A month i a long time for just a 4 hour drive. i would suggest a date in the middle so its an easier drive but i have to say that suggesting your an item after the first date/weekend was too fast.
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 33
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 6:24:22 PM
He sounds like a waste of time
Why go to all this trouble, just for him?
In the future, make sure you're "an item" before adding sex to the equation
Why didn't you learn this years ago?
Who cares about his past? It's just an excuse not to commit.
If he really liked you, his past would be moot.
He's not awesome -- he's a jackass whose probably sending "sexy pics" to dozens of other women.
You are already a friend with benefits, at best.
Don't take it slow. Take it full stop and move on.
Joined: 10/20/2011
Msg: 34
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 6:45:11 PM
Well, the main thing is, to spend your time focused on what you want and not on all the stuff you don't want. Men are generally all of the horrible things that you say they are but not all of them are like that. It makes it difficult for good guys to get a break; you start with a handicap. Being a musician, it's even worse. Women just assume that you're a dog and who could blame them after the sordid history most men have.

When it comes to relationships, ladies, you hold the cards. You have the vagina! That's what most men want. So, don't give it up! Make him work for it or you will, once again, suffer the consequences. If he doesn't work for it and wanders off, then good riddance. If he sticks it out and really goes the distance then he will respect you and your friendship will have developed into something much stronger by the time you actually 'get it on.' A man can never love a woman that he doesn't respect and if you jump into the sack with him in the early goings of your relationship, he will assume you do the same with all men and then you have that same old, horrible circle of madness that we have all come to know and loathe.

The important part, and I don't know why it's such a mystery to most men, is to develop a good friendship first. That way you can tell if it's really someone you could actually be in a long-term relationship with in the first place. If you move slowly, and don't get too 'friendly,' then you can see them in different situations and know if they still seem as attractive as they first did. ha ha. But it's true. Then, if you find out they're crazy, a drunk, a crackhead, married, whatever, you're not too involved and it's not as big a deal.
But hey, who am I to say. I'm still single. ha ha ha
Joined: 10/11/2011
Msg: 35
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 7:07:01 PM
I am not a religous person but spirital, I believe things do happen for a reason. Maybe emotionally he has nothing to bring to the table right now. If you are in such a hurry to hook up, you might want to move on to someone else that is in a hurry. I personally would bolt if someone wanted to commit that fast.
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 36
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 7:11:29 PM
The danger in those types of relationships are crossed signals. You like many women used sex as a measuring stick for commitment. If he was NOT telling you he wanted to be with you forever and lalala then it should NOT have been assumed that your vagina would seal the deal.
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 37
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 7:14:29 PM
If he IS telling you all these things and does NOT show it then it's a early sign to leave him alone before you get emotionally attached.
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 38
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/27/2011 2:04:38 AM
I think there seems to be alot of assumptions here. I did not think having sex or my vagina sealed any deal, nor did I ask for marriage. I'm not in any rush for marriage. I simply wanted to know that I was the only one. He has talked about plans to visit me while I am a way since that weekend.
I'm not saying he couldn't be a player just to achieve FWB. Forgive me, but this would be a first guy for me since I was in a 12 Year relationship that has acted this way. And yes, I have dated others since. That's why I posted this question.
I have received some good feedback here. I think I will give it another month, but still date also. Then cut him loose if theres no progress.
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 39
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/27/2011 2:12:27 AM

Forgive me

There is nothing to forgive.

You got advice. The advice you most opposed was most likely the advice you should of listened to the most. Just the way it works :)

I think I will give it another month, but still date also. Then cut him loose if theres no progress.

Good. Date others.. date many and don't grow so attached so quickly. The quickness is your enemy to your goal. You want to be in a good relationship with a guy that is truly compatible with you, and you are not gonna find him if you jump the gun.
Joined: 9/18/2009
Msg: 40
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/27/2011 2:18:13 AM
He is still trolling, looking for better. Hope that didn't sound harsh.
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 41
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/27/2011 2:46:03 AM

I am getting some good incite here.

No, INCITE is what I do!

INSIGHT is what you got!
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 42
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/27/2011 3:25:06 AM

Damn she walked right into that!
Joined: 1/29/2011
Msg: 43
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/27/2011 5:01:03 AM
Instride says it all...set a time limit and if your not comfortable let him know....good luck!
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 44
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/27/2011 6:55:11 AM
Follow your proposed plan to meet other men and continue to date and see how things with this other man goes. The 4 hour distance can be a problem if he isn't interested in a serious relationship. He admitted he is talking with other women and, chances are, they are more geographically desirable. Take it slowly with the men you meet. Find out before having sex whether or not they are also sexually involved with other women. If a man isn't willing to wait to have sex until you both feel ready to be monogamous, then he isn't the type of man you are looking for. A man who is ready for a serious relationship will wait to make sure you are compatible together in all aspects before jumping into bed. If sex is his priority, then I'd give him a pass.
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 45
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/27/2011 7:09:50 AM
Most men I know and myself included see sex when youre dating as something enjoyable, and far more fun that watching a film together or walking in the park

But really thats about it
Just another activity.. like going for coffee or walking the dog, lol..

Op, there is nothing wrong with wanting exclusivity from the outset. Some people here are very outspoken about the fact that they insist upon a certain exclusivity prior to even meeting someone. In other words, they don't wish to date someone who is in the 'keeping my options open' stage.

Not everyone is built to date more than one at once. The trick is in knowing who you are, what your boundaries are and sticking to them ;)
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 46
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/27/2011 11:08:27 AM
There's nothing wrong with wanting exclusivity from the outset, but there IS something wrong with not being honest with yourself and others.

It's one thing to say: I want exclusivity from the outset and I would like to hear your thoughts about that before we have sex.

It's quite another to have sex, hope for the best, pretend that you're cool with taking things slow (I, personally, have no idea what it means to take things slow when you're already screwing each other's brains out) and then complain when the man you just had sex with has no interest in being exclusive with you.

It's all about knowing what you want and being true to and honest with yourself.
Joined: 8/9/2011
Msg: 47
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/29/2011 1:32:44 AM
sounds like he wants a friend with benefits. I would cut him loose.
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 48
Wait or Not?
Posted: 11/20/2011 2:58:15 PM
his need not to hurry sounds reasonable. If you're all that and you know it, have faith in yourself. If the connection holds up, it is worth waiting for-no need to stress. Don't revolve your whole world around him. Hopefully you have a life and other things that also keep you happy, fulfilled and interested. It doesn't feel good to feel like you are responsible for filling someone else's unmet needs. Not saying you are doing that, just that it takes time for people to get to know each other and committ their heart.Sure, it can be tricky to have patience when things are so fresh, new and exciting, but good relationships can weather the test of time. Best of luck to you OP
Joined: 8/2/2011
Msg: 49
Wait or Not?
Posted: 11/20/2011 9:38:08 PM
If you were the one for him he would stop looking, stop wasting your time and dont ans him move on immediatly .. tell him that you and he are looking for different things. dont get used
Joined: 10/8/2011
Msg: 50
Wait or Not?
Posted: 11/21/2011 2:02:09 PM
I think you actually have 2 issues, and are trying to "fit them" into one box.


The distance makes it so that you can't just go meet for a quick lunch, a walk, or a cup of coffee. Cant just stop by on the way home from work to talk..Everything has to be planned.

The relationship, at this point, whether or not you know everything about him, his kids, his job, at this point, a friendship.

The only difference is that you two were intimate. Some people do that occasionally.

It isnt really fair, after one meeting, "even a really hot meeting", to expect him to be monogamous. Id run for the hills myself!

Get your butts together, phone and text is crap! Good luck to you
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