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 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 37
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically InterestedPage 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
And yet theres probably just as many people who whinge that they DONT get a response

Thing about a reply though is you DO have a definitive answer

And on some levels, if someone is too fragile to handle a rejection then should they even be thinking about dating to begin with?
 GoldinSFla
Joined: 10/21/2011
Msg: 38
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/1/2011 9:28:02 AM
^ Yes but alot of those people that whine about not getting a response are the same people that will send a 2 page diatribe about how shallow you are and how you're missing out on a good thing and that you're an awful person if you do send a polite "no thank you." Its usually the guys that do this. Maybe because the men are the ones that send out most of the initial messages, they get most of the responses. But I've seen quite a few threads on here about women complaining that they were just trying to let a guy down easy and he went crazy and sent a nasty insulting message to her in return.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 40
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/1/2011 10:12:15 AM
I do not agree with that concept, and a majority of those that contact me, and I am not interested, seem to rather know that, instead of wondering.

I know that women get far more contacts then the men, but if all these women would think about it, a thank you but no thank you is the polite way to handle an invitation from someone that you are not interested in. We do that when not on the computer, and if a friend or relative tries to set us up with someone, and we are not interested, we get the message out to them in some way. If we are in a social setting, and someone approaches us, and we are not interested, we get that message out to them as well, and most accept that and move on, so why not here too?

Maybe the best way to find out how it feels to try and hear nothing over and over, would be a site that only the women could make the first contact, and men could not contact any female until contacted first, and have all those women see how it feels to be the one that is expected to make that first connection, and hear nothing for all their hard work? If all the women that get so many contacts daily, would have it reversed, they might understand how some of us feel.

My solution is to seldom make that first contact, and let the women decide if I am worthy of their attention and connection. I will continue to respond to each and every first email contact, and either let them know that I would enjoy knowing them better, or that I thank them for their interest, and I wish them the best fishing in this pond.

cd..............
 GoldinSFla
Joined: 10/21/2011
Msg: 41
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/1/2011 11:07:20 AM
^ I disagree, Its easy enough to write a short message that says no thanks...it has nothing to do with not being bothered. I think it more has to do with what we would rather have happen if we were in the same situation. One can just as easily say that writing a rejection letter to someone is just an excuse to be cruel while claiming that same moral high ground that you mentioned earlier.
 ChillinChill
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 42
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/1/2011 11:10:49 AM
When they ask to meet tell them the truth.. It was nice chatting with you but I don't want to meet you. What's so hard about that? If they respond back like an a$$ then BLOCK THEM.
 GoldinSFla
Joined: 10/21/2011
Msg: 43
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/1/2011 11:54:57 AM
Ok...but remember what people say they want and what they really want are often two different things. Actually today, I did the very thing I said I dont do. I wrote back to someone who contacted me and very nicely told him why I didnt think we'd be a match.
He didn't respond angrilly, or insultingly, but he sent..(and I am not exaggerating) SIX emails after my inital email, telling me what I was most likely wrong for my preference. Its like he was trying to guilt me into changing my mind. I admit I felt bad, really bad, but do guys really want women to be with them out of pity?
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 44
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/1/2011 12:11:48 PM
It is not pity to be kind and considerate and turn someone down nicely when they approach you and you are not interested. I call it respect and consideration, and I was taught that as a child, and to this day say "yes maam and sir"......and some do not like that, but overall, most do!

I am talking about one email and that is it, and if more come in, it is your choice then to read it and delete it, or just delete it, because you took the time to say thank you but no thank you. If you do not want to hear more from them, that is a reason that the block feature is on this site, but I bet you will not have to use it as much as you think.

I try always to be cordial when I am out and about doing things and approached by others, and if they attempt to let me know that they would like to know me better, and I am not interested, I let them down as kindly as they let me, but I do not just turn my back on them because they are not my type. Should it not be the same on here?

I think to many on POF come into this with expectations that are just unrealistic, and think that they are in a candy store shopping for the candy they want, and not realize that each piece out there is as human as they are, even if they do not understand or know it, and when asked a question, they at least deserve an answer.

Now, if I can only get those women that contact me, to actually continue to be my equal and assertive enough to not expect me to chase and pursue them just because they contacted me, because that will not happen.....it will be mutual or it will not even get started.

cd..............
 GoldinSFla
Joined: 10/21/2011
Msg: 45
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/1/2011 12:20:51 PM
I don't neccarily agree with all you've said, based on my experiences, but I see your point. The only thing I have to add, is as I said, its not that I dont think people have feelings...I'm not better than anyone, welll, I'm better than some...but only the realllly freaky ones and the Aholes..
I just sometimes think it'll come across as worse to tell someone why I'm rejecting them and let them experience that disapointment. But again, I understand you see things differently.
Ok about your second point. What do you mean by they expect you to chase them? Do you mean call and text them 3 or 4 times before they respond? Or expect you to do the planning for the date? Explain please
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 46
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/1/2011 12:43:19 PM
Good question.....

I have found that a significant number of women that have contacted me, and I respond that I thank them and would like to know more about them.......and I ask some questions, or make some comments, that things seem to change.

What changes is that to many seem to think that they started the process by contacting me, now it is up to me to pursue them with multiple emails, showing significant interest in them, and taking the ball and running with it. When that does not happen, they have a tendency to stop the equal connection and just wait for me to be the aggressor.

If there is mutual interest, there should be mutual assertive attempts that are equal in nature and ability to let the other know that you want to continue that process of knowing each other better. I do not ask for their phone number, I wait for them to offer it. I will give mine when they give theirs. I do not ask for a date, but I will suggest a meet and greet that is somewhere in the middle of where we both live. I do not plan the activities, but wait to have them share their interests as much as I share mine.

In other words, I do not act in that aggressive manner that so many women seem to think that a man should do when attracted to them and pursuing them. I have no need for the games, and if one needs those to feel good about themselves, or more of a woman, they need to find those men that will put them on a pedestal and enjoy doing that. I prefer those that if a pedestal exists, we share it together......

cd...........
 maxp813
Joined: 12/11/2010
Msg: 47
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/1/2011 1:25:29 PM
If im not interested I dont reply.I think its better than makeing someone feel like they have a chance if they realy dont.Im also not here to look for friends.I have a great group of friends and im content with that.Thats what facebooks for.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 48
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/1/2011 1:34:38 PM
I always reply unless the message is inappropriate, even if only to say thanks for taking time to write, but I'm not interested. That's clear, and they know where they stand. If they are too dense to understand that, I will ignore them thereafter or even block if necessary.

Oh, and a message that just says "Hi" gets a "Hi" in return.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 50
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/1/2011 5:07:52 PM
If all the women that get so many contacts daily, would have it reversed, they might understand how some of us feel.


I can’t speak for all women and I wish men would not either. I don’t know if I am the only woman or not but I’d like to share a few things that might help people understand that we are all individuals struggling with similar issues:

1. I get maybe one e-mail a month.

2. I do not complain because I would rather get 5 e-mails a year from men whom I am interested in than 100 e-mails a month that I can’t even take serious.

3. I do not enjoy rejecting people or ignoring them. It is not flattering or something to be proud of to be contacted by people I have nothing in common with or who don’t interest me.

4. I also don’t want to be excited that I have mail and then find out he is just saying “No, thanks.” Why would I need him to tell me that when I can figure it out on my own?

5. I have written plenty of men and none of them ever wrote me back. So I do know what it feels like. However, this is not a reason for me blame, bash, or generalize them. I take responsibility for my feelings. All I want is to meet someone who can do the same.

These are just my thoughts.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 51
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/1/2011 6:55:10 PM
they will claim you led them on just because you were nice and polite.


That's their problem; not yours. (unless you say things like "we should do that" or "I can wait to meet you" etc etc.)

I'm one who thinks non response is ruder than a nice brushoff; or telling me I'm not on the top of your prospect list. Haha; even telling me I"m 23rd or so hurts less than a non response. (because who in life when someone says something to you....just ignores ya?)



if a guy is writing you here, he wants a date


False.

I write someone who has an awesome ad or awesome pics sometimes to just say hi; and pass a compliment. I get messages from people from the forums.....from worlds away. So; that's not exactly true.

She goes, "I'm sorry, but I don't think we'd make a good match" and I said, "Um, why didn't you say anything earlier"


Probably because.........ya never asked?

Who talks to someone in public and feels the need in sentence four to say "by the way; I'm not attracted to you".....OR......"Just want to let ya know I find another person a better match for me"?

Sorta lends credence to those ads that ask for "someone real" no?

Thanks, you're not my type, but good luck."


Even if they say something like; "Hey, nice jacket; where did you get it!"?

I think if someone takes the time to write you an email you should respond


THANK YOU!

That's how I was taught when it came to class also.

I reply with one simple, brief, polite message. When asked out for coffee and I respond "no thank you",


How can anyone knock that? (They cant)

I've tried replying gently that 'thanks, but I'm not interested' line


I dont recommend using this line when you are asked a question that doesnt logically ask if you are interested or not. (even more so if the message is regarding..um...one of your stated interests) ;P

Maybe tell the person you're really busy, and may not get back; seeing as you get so many mails, and do have an interest in someone else, or otherwise do not think you see them as a top prospect..for you?

So many are too busy trying to be PC, that straight up friendly and respectful honesty gets ignored.

*Shrugs*
 RoxanneR
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 52
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/2/2011 10:15:07 PM
I can't get to a computer except at the library or, in this case, at a friend's. One guy sent several messages one week during the time I had no transportation, and he complained that I wasn't answering. I told him that if he had read my profile, he would have noticed that I had no computer at home. I also stated that I hadn't been to the library in over a week. He didn't read that either, because he said I must not have gotten to the library for a week. Oh, my gosh. I have no time for someone who does not take the time to read a profile or a message thoroughly. I told him please don't message me again.
I recently had a message from a guy who's pushing himself. I deleted it. I already said no.
 newonthescene76
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 53
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/3/2011 2:15:34 AM
I reply 99% of the time to those I'm completely not interested in with a "thanks for the email but I don't think we would be a match" and then I block them (too many times I would get nasty emails back). I just think it's rude if you don't say something, especially if it is a somewhat thought out message.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 54
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/3/2011 7:52:11 PM

If someone thinks that is rude, I think they have emotional issues.


I agree with rawr and others on not responding to people you’re not interested in.
It is not rude not to respond to a total stranger. Who in their right mind cares about some stranger, both who receive the mail and the one who sends it? Please! Give me a break.

Instead of judging people for the choices they make (who they do and don’t respond to) one should examine their own feelings due to the non-response of complete strangers. Hello!!!!!
 SailBlazer
Joined: 9/24/2011
Msg: 55
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/4/2011 4:27:57 AM
When someone takes the time to write me a very kind message, I reply out of courtesy. There is precious little of that around these days. HOWEVER, my reply is either a fairly simple "thank you, etc." or, if I'm interested, a more detailed and encouraging response. Most get the message.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 56
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/4/2011 6:28:19 AM

I reply 99% of the time to those I'm completely not interested in with a "thanks for the email but I don't think we would be a match"


Thing there tho is that 99% or more of the women I have mailed on here I havent BEEN interested in as a "match", I've mailed them because something in their profile sparked a curiosity, something in a forum post was interesting, one of their photos was funny, they listed an interest or profession that sounded interesting and various other reasons and I am far from the only person who mails for those types of reasons

So to assume that 100% of men mailing you are doing so for "dating" and replying accordingly is to say the least a bit up yourself really

Some, probably most will be, but I doubt its going to be all of them

Not long after I first started using this place I saw a photo on a profile where the person was in fancy dress which was utterly fantastic

I looked at the profile, she couldnt write in even basic english but used a combination of text speak and just basically moron speak, from what I could decipher from her unintelligible drivel she seemed to be having some kind of a midlife crisis or meltdown and was trying to relive aspects of teenage years I am guessing she missed out on and from her other photos was grossly overweight and very unnappealing

But none of that changed how funny the photo was so I mailed her something like

"No need to reply, just wanted to say the main photo was totally excellent

Best of luck on here"

I then got a reply of about three times what I had typed explaining why she didnt think we were a good match

I was like thank **** for that, if we were I'd probably be considering hanging myself anyway which would screw up my plans for the weekend just a bit

But all that aside, the fact she also lived on another continent should have been a good indication I wasnt seeing her as a potential mate

Some people
 digitaltripper1
Joined: 2/18/2010
Msg: 57
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/4/2011 10:31:56 AM
Hear hear....That is the least that I do and women should to that as well. If your not interested say that. Don't be rude but state the fact. We, as guys, get it. If a guy wrote you and ACTUALLY took the time to read your profile (As evidenced by his message to you) the least you could do is say "Thanks but I am not interested." Not saying anything is just rude. If they continue with unwanted advances, block them. If they are inappropriate, report them AND block them.

Just my 2 cents
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 58
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Posted: 11/4/2011 10:36:17 AM
Its called conversation and replying it entirely optional

The site however is a social site, a dating site AND a sexual encounter site all rolled into one

Kind of like any pub, club or place of work anywhere in the world infact where all of those things also go on

The point I was making though, is that just because some people do infact date or look for dates on here doesnt mean every email a person recieves is for that single explicit purpose and is less likely if they use the message boards

All of the last 20 people who have mailed me or started an interaction with me via mail havent done so for dating, its been for other reasons so whether or not they were a "match" was irrelevant
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 59
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/4/2011 10:52:21 AM
"No need to reply, just wanted to say the main photo was totally excellent
Best of luck on here" I then got a reply of about three times what I had typed explaining why she didnt think we were a good match


I KNOW!

That happens ALOT!

Guess they like to be desired, and can make themselves believe alot easier when no body language, voice tone, or eyes screw up the fantasy for them.

Bit pathetic really.
 Texan_Gal
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 60
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/4/2011 12:16:02 PM
I used to send a response to everyone who had messaged me and whom I didn't believe to be my type to let him know as much, but I received some ugly responses and have since decided to just not respond. It's unfortunate that it leaves the actual nice and respectful guys hanging, but a few bad apples spoil the bunch.


If a guy wrote you and ACTUALLY took the time to read your profile (As evidenced by his message to you)

That's unfortunately not true. There are a lot of guys who message just based on the pictures, as evidenced by the fact that both my headline and profile say I'm looking for a non-drinker but I still get messages from drinkers (who even invite me out for a drink!)
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 62
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/4/2011 1:16:45 PM

There are a lot of guys who message just based on the pictures


Being so edibly scrumptious must be really tedious at times

I suppose I should thank the gods I dont have those kind of problems to worry about being so feckin ugly haha

Silver linings and all that
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 63
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/4/2011 1:31:56 PM

You saying that they are "up themselves" when they reject you is daft. IMHO.


What he is saying is that there was nothing to reject.

His objections would be akin to him rejecting your advance and come on onto him for YOUR message above to him.
 Home_for_30
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 64
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/4/2011 8:15:41 PM
To start with...'Romantically Interested' after just a single email??? You got to be kidding me...I know you were being polite with the thread title. I am sure we all the the same thing...read the email. look at the picture...maybe read the profile then make a snap decision if this is Mr/Mrs Right. I see it like this, if someone walks up to you in public and say 'Hi', do you ignore them? If you do...you are not even worth my time or their's. I think most would atleast say 'Hi' back...unless the person was rude.

To all those that say this is the internet and different rules apply...maybe, to those that prefer the cold, insensitive and rude world the internet has help create. So easy to say and act as you wish when you hide behind a computer screen, locked away from society. I have seen some have stated do not reply, or you will lead someone on. This is true, depending on what you write. But you can reply and say No Thank You, but maybe include something that say you actually took the 30 seconds out of you day to be human and read their profile. And I do not buy into the one's that say they get far too much email to answer each one...really? But I am sure you find time to answer every Facebook comment you get.

I do not send many emails at all...but if I do I read the woman's profile, write something about it to show I did...and 9 out of 10 are READ/DELETE...I don't think I have even sent 10 in a year. Which is fine, it shows the type of person they are. The online dating thing is all the same, be it POF, eHarmony, Match.com...even AFF...almost every one wants the perfect match...The good looking bad boy that they can tame and take home to mom and dad, or the angel by day, devil at nite girl. Anything short of that, most do not even care to invest a mere one minute of their time to respond.

As to what is the correct thing to do? Well, be like most people...do as you please without consideration of others.....it's only the internet! ;)
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