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 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 65
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically InterestedPage 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Generally, no reply means no interest. You will get other folks that will try and convince you that it is rude to not reply but, you have read enough responses here to figure out the truth of that.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 66
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/4/2011 10:12:48 PM
I still think it's a bit unreasonable and way too controlling to expect an answer just because you write someone.

I just read a guys profile that says this:
"...if I don't return a message it's not (necessarily) because I'm a total jerk....If I don't think we're a potential match I just don't want anyone's time wasted."
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 67
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/4/2011 10:32:53 PM

I see it like this, if someone walks up to you in public and say 'Hi', do you ignore them? If you do...you are not even worth my time or their's. I think most would atleast say 'Hi' back...unless the person was rude.

Actually that is different than here. In person you would be snubbing someone or leaving them hanging if you did not respond to them. Also you could not say 'thanks but no thanks' as that would be rude. So let's be clear that things are different here than in reallife. Also it is less likely for a person to respond with the extreme rudeness and aggression that happens often here when they recieve a 'thank you but no thank you' response than they would in real life. Another bit of proof that online is differentthan real life. Sending an initial message is not the same as initiating a conversation. It is an invitiation to engage in a conversation and the reciepient of that message is free to engae or not engage as they see fit. To not engage is not rude. It is the same as recieving junk mail or a telemarketing call. You are COLD CALLING someone and not entitled to getting their attention. Just because YOU want to talk to me, does not mean that I am now obligated to talk to you. not even for one second. Not one. If this offends someone then they have invested far to much in the possible response of a stranger. You would not feel obligated to write back a 'no thank you' letter to everyone that sends something to your mail box. You do not feel obligated to converse with a telemarketer. Frankly, at best we tell them 'Thanks but no' and hang up on them. Should they be angry or upset? Of course not.


I have seen some have stated do not reply, or you will lead someone on. This is true, depending on what you write. But you can reply and say No Thank You, but maybe include something that say you actually took the 30 seconds out of you day to be human and read their profile.

We are now getting into why people do not respond. No not depending on what they write. You have read here several examples of people saying that 'thank you but no thanks, has lead to hurt feelings and people believing that they should keep going. You simply chose to ignore it. The person writing is not obligated to give you thirty seconds of their time if they are not interested. Not even one second. But you have now included that they should now have to read that persons profile too. Why? If they are not interested why should they have to read the persons profile now? This is the entitlement attitude that people avoid by not answering. Why would you even care what a stranger that you never met and probably never will meet thinks of you? You are too invested in them responding.


And I do not buy into the one's that say they get far too much email to answer each one...really? But I am sure you find time to answer every Facebook comment you get.

perfect example of why not to respond. Now they are liars? I can assure you that I have sen the inboxs of some female friends that easily get 3040 new messages a day. Should they take a half hour out to write rejection responses each day? And now the insulting judgments (that is usually followed by name callin) that they seem to find the time to answer each and every FB comment that they get. How would you know? Even if they do, those are from their friends, not strangers. But now you have just made up some sh!tty story in your mind to down grade them. Why would someone want to subject themselves to that?


I do not send many emails at all...but if I do I read the woman's profile, write something about it to show I did...and 9 out of 10 are READ/DELETE...I don't think I have even sent 10 in a year. Which is fine, it shows the type of person they are. The online dating thing is all the same, be it POF, eHarmony, Match.com...even AFF...almost every one wants the perfect match...The good looking bad boy that they can tame and take home to mom and dad, or the angel by day, devil at nite girl. Anything short of that, most do not even care to invest a mere one minute of their time to respond.

Well this is really the cherry on the sundae. If you are having 9 out of 10 read/deletes then perhaps you should consider that the problem is YOU!! Most folks here are not out trying to get mister perfect. If you have decided that the issue could not possibly be improved by you doing a better job and that everyone else is just shallow, then they are probably better off not responding to your message as you seem to believe that to not be interested in YOU means that they are somehow crappy people
I did...and 9 out of 10 are READ/DELETE...I don't think I have even sent 10 in a year. Which is fine, it shows the type of person they are.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 68
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/4/2011 10:38:19 PM
I reply 99% of the time to those I'm completely not interested in with a "thanks for the email but I don't think we would be a match" and then I block them (too many times I would get nasty emails back). I just think it's rude if you don't say something, especially if it is a somewhat thought out message.


Geez Louise---I can't for the life of me comprehend how anyone could think they're being less rude by verbally rejecting a person---then adding insult to injury by blocking them, instead of simply not responding in the first place!
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 69
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/5/2011 2:28:42 AM
Perhaps its not about politeness but self image

Putting one method above the other will give someone a feeling of superiority which will be tiny ego boost for them

And instantly blocking someone I am sure gives some people a sense of power, but also allows them to think every mail they got was someone totally besotted with them who will be utterly heartbroken by the rejection

As it avoids them getting the follow on mails that MIGHT have said something like

"What do you mean "match"? I was only going to point out that you had written tats instead of thats in your profile"

"Why do you assume I am trying to hit on you? We live 4000 miles apart"

"But I dont fancy you, infact I was only going to say you should try the third photo on your profile as the main one because the main one really doesnt do you any justice"

and various other "non dating" type mails
 Home_for_30
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 70
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/5/2011 6:50:45 AM
[It is the same as recieving junk mail or a telemarketing call.]
So receiving emails on a dating site is equal to junk mail? If so, why be on here or better yet, set the filters so strict that you won't even get email.

[The person writing is not obligated to give you thirty seconds of their time if they are not interested. Not even one second. But you have now included that they should now have to read that persons profile too. Why? If they are not interested why should they have to read the persons profile now?]
How do they even know if they would be or would not be interested without reading the person's profile?? Oh, wait...the pic...so not only are you saying its OK to be rude, but shallow too.
 newonthescene76
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 71
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/5/2011 7:15:18 AM

Geez Louise---I can't for the life of me comprehend how anyone could think they're being less rude by verbally rejecting a person---then adding insult to injury by blocking them, instead of simply not responding in the first place!


I already put why I block in my previous post. Also once I've already said I'm not interested they shouldn't be contacting me again, right? So no harm if I block them. I don't think of it as a power play or me being superior.

@Mike: My reading comprehension is pretty good, so I think I would notice if an email sent to me said "don't reply I just wanted to comment" etc. I'm replying to the emails that are looking at me as a potential date.

If people don't want to respond to their emails, fine with me. For me, though, I would feel like I was being rude if I didn't even acknowledge that I received the email. To each his own.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 72
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/5/2011 8:57:02 AM
I already put why I block in my previous post. Also once I've already said I'm not interested they shouldn't be contacting me again, right? So no harm if I block them. I don't think of it as a power play or me being superior.


Yes, you are harming them for two reasons:

A) If a profile receives too many blocks, POF administration will delete that person's profile. If everyone did the same thing you did, by preemptively blocking every single person that contacts them, everyone's profile would get deleted at some point---including yours.

B) A person can tell you've blocked them even if they didn't intend to contact you again, because their message to you disappears from their sent mail. Why hurt a person's ego for no reason, unless as MikeWM suggested, you're on an ego trip yourself, and trying to make yourself feel superior at their expense?
 newonthescene76
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 73
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/5/2011 9:02:36 AM
^^^^^^
I didn't know that about blocked messages. Thank you for the information.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 75
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/5/2011 12:42:04 PM

This is probably one of the biggest issues on POF that I have come across. I'll get a message, reply back, and nothing happens. Now I'd expect a no reply from an email I sent out and the person wasn't interested but having someone email me first, and then replying and it fading away is just silly


Perhaps it was a one reply type of mail; a close ended question, for example.

Perhaps your reply was a brush off; or taken as a brush off.

Perhaps they are just wierd.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 76
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/5/2011 7:05:15 PM

So receiving emails on a dating site is equal to junk mail? If so, why be on here or better yet, set the filters so strict that you won't even get email.

If they are notinterested then yes. It is the same as junk mail. But the comparison that I was making was that the initial message has the same social requirement to respond as junk mail or a telemarketing call. You are cold calling someone. They are not required to respond.


How do they even know if they would be or would not be interested without reading the person's profile?? Oh, wait...the pic...so not only are you saying its OK to be rude, but shallow too.


Easy. If the message was one that did not capture the readers attention or was off putting. Or hey like it or not, looks matter. If the person sending the message is not physically attractive tot the reader then 'too bad, so sad'. There is simply not a match. Reading your profile is not required. But again you are demonstrating my point. You are of the opinion that those who do not use POF the way that YOU do is somehow wrong or out of line. They are not obligated to read your profile. If they are not interested then they are not interested, nor are they obligated to let you have a shot to impress them with your profile. This is not shallow. THEY ARE SIMPLY NOT INTERESTED IN YOU!! But again, in your mind they are not interested in you so they must be shallow. They did not read your profile or respond, so they must be rude. No one wants to deal with that, thus we do not respond when not interested. Perhaps you should consider to concentrate on learning to take rejection better. Strangers that you contact are NOT responsible for coddling you through the dating process. Not everyone that you are interested in, will be interested in you. Get over it.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 77
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/5/2011 7:10:34 PM

Easy. If the message was one that did not capture the readers attention or was off putting. Or hey like it or not, looks matter. If the person sending the message is not physically attractive tot the reader then 'too bad, so sad'.


I suppose the same can be said fo rtral life if that's the attitide. Noone has any 'duty' to be civil to.....anyone.

So be it; people are what they are I guess.

Many who have not responded to me have turned out in later pictures to be "way" not what their initial pics or profile projected, and below the level I am used to dating anyways. In many cases; they are a customer service rep with 3 kids with two or three dads or something similar.

Whatever; people are what they are and we all look at "class" as something different.



Chalk it up as one of those "it is what it is" things
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 78
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/5/2011 9:49:42 PM
I suppose the same can be said fo rtral life if that's the attitide. Noone has any 'duty' to be civil to.....anyone.

So be it; people are what they are I guess.


Uhhh yeah. Looks matter in real life too. If you are simply not attracted or interested in someone, or they are not capable of holding your attention, you are not obligated to continue to 'give them a shot'.It has always been that way. Online and in real life. It is not being 'civil' to have any sort of dialogue with a person that you do not want to. There is no 'duty' to coddle you. You are entitled to a rejection that is free of insult or aggression and that is all.


Many who have not responded to me have turned out in later pictures to be "way" not what their initial pics or profile projected, and below the level I am used to dating anyways. In many cases; they are a customer service rep with 3 kids with two or three dads or something similar.


Whatever; people are what they are and we all look at "class" as something different.

yet another person going and validating the reason to not respond. So now you are trashing the people that have not responded to you. Trashing them by deciding that they have lied to you and that they were really just crappy people that you would not have dated anywyas. Oddly enough because they have honest jobs and are raising a family.


Whatever; people are what they are and we all look at "class" as something different.

Says the man that literally has a picture of his crotch talking about how you do not have a chubby yet , but if you get your way...' I guess that we all see class a little differently.
 BrownInOrange
Joined: 7/30/2011
Msg: 79
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/5/2011 10:01:25 PM
Do whatever you feel comfortable doing.

It's commendable that you took the time to reply to everyone (that's rare on here) ... how about you respond with
"Thanks for your message. *reply to stuff in the message* I'm not interested in you in that way, but I'm open for friendship."
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 80
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/6/2011 9:29:57 AM
When someone e-mails someone else, they are making a judgement call and risk rejection. This is part of the dating world. Whether you tell someone, “no thanks” or don’t respond to them doesn’t change anything; Ultimately the message is the same. The value you put on yourself based on how you think you should or should not be rejected is your business. A stranger is not required to manifest a (one time) e-mail relationship in order to spell it out for you.

It is so much easier to blame a complete stranger you have never talked to and decide he is rude than admit to yourself “ouch, that kind of hurt, I’m not that bad why doesn’t he give me a chance?”

You gain absolutely nothing from labeling strangers and more importantly you miss out on opportunities for self reflection and growth.
 kcladyz
Joined: 8/7/2009
Msg: 81
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/6/2011 9:33:44 AM
I just say sorry your not what I am attracted to. but i had this one guy I swear to god has tried to send a dozen im chat requests and emails here and on a another site and told him 30 times i am not interested. I had to get mean to get him to go away and then its funny how someone has to hurl an insult at you about how you look, weight etc... as if they were never attracted to you to begin with what a joke, all because you say 'no"
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 82
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/6/2011 11:20:09 AM
yet another person going and validating the reason to not respond. So now you are trashing the people that have not responded to you. Trashing them by deciding that they have lied to you and that they were really just crappy people that you would not have dated anywyas. Oddly enough because they have honest jobs and are raising a family.


1. Yes; I see them as less classy or life available than I wish for (partly for that listed below) Sorry for having standards.

2. They did lie to me and everyone else by posting pics that were very much not what they looked like. (Am I bad for calling them on it? In your eyes; probably right.)

3. Honest jobs? I mentioned jobs or that they did or did not work? What IS an honest vs a dishonest job/lifestyle btw? (Real interested to disect y...I mean..hear this)

4. Raising a family is something that is still to be determined. Saddam raised a family too; as did that lady who drowned all her kids. Many moms raised death row inmates also. Would we be wrong for saying that they were probably not the best catches, despite what they may or may not have looked like?

Says the man that literally has a picture of his crotch


It's actually a pic of my waistline, as mentioned in the pic. Many would also see it as a pic of taiored dress pants. Then....sigh...you get those who always focus on..the crotch. So; you dont agree with full disclosure; meaning showing my waist at its heavier state. (got it)

P.s. I dont believe I said anything about a chubby. I was saying that "I" am still not chubby, at my age. Was that you showing your own mind; by filling in the translation with sex or something?

Like I said; guess we all view things differently. Some vierw chubby as a belly thing; others see it as an erection

You gain absolutely nothing from labeling strangers and more importantly you miss out on opportunities for self reflection and growth.


Lmao; you use rejection from someone who may or may not even be real as a chance for self reflection and growth!!?? (Yikers; deeeep routed self esteem clean up aisle 4!!!)
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 83
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/6/2011 2:13:59 PM

HappySS:
Lmao; You gain absolutely nothing from labeling strangers and more importantly you miss out on opportunities for self reflection and growth.

Sweet Lil:
Lmao; you use rejection from someone who may or may not even be real as a chance for self reflection and growth!!?? (Yikers; deeeep routed self esteem clean up aisle 4!!!)reflection and growth!!?? (Yikers; deeeep routed self esteem clean up aisle 4!!!)


No I don’t use rejection from someone who may or may not even be real as a chance for self reflection and growth.

I am saying, if you (not addressing this to you) can’t handle a no response without calling people rude you might want to look at your own expectations instead of pointing fingers at complete strangers. I hope this answers your question.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 84
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/6/2011 2:32:02 PM

I always reply unless the message is inappropriate, even if only to say thanks for taking time to write, but I'm not interested. That's clear, and they know where they stand. If they are too dense to understand that, I will ignore them thereafter or even block if necessary.

Oh, and a message that just says "Hi" gets a "Hi" in return.


I follow a similar protocol. I always respond even if it's in a like manner. To the lazy "Hi" I muster up exactly the same level of response. If someone continues to message me after I have politely let them know that I would not wish to meet them, that's on them, not me - unless we are having an enjoyable back-and-forth banter, I'll ignore them. That rarely happens.

Since I will message people just to comment on a photo or something in their profile or a post - not necessarily from wanting to meet them - I try to keep my messaging karma on the positive side.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 86
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/6/2011 7:47:07 PM

When I first joined this site I replied to every single message where someone had clearly read my profile and made an effort, so as not to be rude, but then the problem is after a few messages they would want to meet up and as I know that I am not interested in meeting up I would just stop replying.

Don't have a conversation with them, basically. I mean, if it's someone from the Forums, sure -- but let them know off the bat you're not interested in them if they are flirting with you.

If it's someone not from the actual site, don't have a conversation with them. Heck, don't tell them you're not interested. No need to. If you do write, tell them up front that you're not interested.... but then again, why write them to tell them you're not interested, when a no-reply sends that message loud and clear?
 Home_for_30
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 87
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/7/2011 7:33:32 PM

Easy. If the message was one that did not capture the readers attention or was off putting. Or hey like it or not, looks matter. If the person sending the message is not physically attractive tot the reader then 'too bad, so sad'. There is simply not a match. Reading your profile is not required. But again you are demonstrating my point. You are of the opinion that those who do not use POF the way that YOU do is somehow wrong or out of line. They are not obligated to read your profile. If they are not interested then they are not interested, nor are they obligated to let you have a shot to impress them with your profile. This is not shallow. THEY ARE SIMPLY NOT INTERESTED IN YOU!! But again, in your mind they are not interested in you so they must be shallow. They did not read your profile or respond, so they must be rude. No one wants to deal with that, thus we do not respond when not interested. Perhaps you should consider to concentrate on learning to take rejection better. Strangers that you contact are NOT responsible for coddling you through the dating process. Not everyone that you are interested in, will be interested in you. Get over it.


Ofcourse if the email is rude, no one would respond...and anyone on here would agree looks matter, read 3/4 of all the forums complaining about that simple way of life. You keep going on and on aobut being obligated about answering...that;s not it...no you are not required to answer. Nor if a person sees trash onthe ground 2 feet from a trash can 'obligated' to pick it up. But in my opinion (and that's all forums are) there is a huge difference between the person that takes a 5 seconds to pick up and throw away the trash and the person that just walks by. No I am not call people on POF trash! And finally, you are assume that me and others that think like me have a rejection issue...wrong again. I could care less if i get an answer or not, but I do appreciate when someone acts civil.
 Nyte2008
Joined: 12/29/2009
Msg: 88
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/7/2011 9:02:40 PM
2 line answer:

"Sorry.
I'm not interested but good luck!"

Then block them. So simple, don't over-analyze it.
 awarmplace
Joined: 1/11/2011
Msg: 90
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/8/2011 4:19:24 AM
hi radiant i hear and agree its not that ur leading them on some are persistent which is a turn off. i dont respond if i am not interest and i get the same in return which is fine with me.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 91
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Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/8/2011 4:46:06 AM

^^^ Nyte2008 - pls read message 80. What you're doing can hurt members!


If somebody is SOOOOOO fragile that either a "thanks but no thanks" response or no reply at all "hurts" them then they should reconsider whether internet dating is for them really IMO

Infact if they handle total strangers not being interested in them THAT badly maybe dating via any means isnt really for them and they should consider getting a puppy or a kitten instead
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 92
Replying To Messages When Not Romantically Interested
Posted: 11/8/2011 7:03:02 AM
I've found that being polite - which I want to do - is not always the best choice. Often, correspondents can become offended or more annoyed if you respond initially but then fail to respond to further correspondence OR make clear you're not interested. In most cases, I think just not replying leads to the best result, in my experience.
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