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 Funfiftysomething
Joined: 6/24/2012
Msg: 85
Guys who say Call me in their first messagePage 7 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
I find it so awkward to talk to a stranger on the phone especially when cell,phones have such bad reception. We spend a lot of time repeating ourselves just to be understood. If a guy insists on a phone call he usually can't even hold up his end of the conversation. If you want to have a phone conversation then for heaven's sake have something interesting to say.
 AnnB72
Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 86
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/10/2012 5:44:21 PM
Happy Single Spirit said it perfectly and articulately.

The purpose of a dating site is not only to contact a potential date, but to vet them out a little before giving them any personal information. I understand perhaps men are not so cautious as women and so don't view giving out a number immediately as a problem, but a lot of women do.

This site is fully capable of allowing two people to communicate in more than one way before going off site with its options. Once you're off site, you're on your own. There is no shield. Women know that; at least, most do.

Another thing to mention, not that this happens to me, is some women get a lot of mail from men and to give them all their phone number and then have them all calling at various times could be impossible to deal with. I'd say in that case, it's the ones who don't rush her that are probably going to get her number, and then the date.

For me, I never give out my number on the first message. And usually I try to meet within the first or second week. Only when someone has agreed to meet do I actually give out my number. Just weeds out the talkers from the doers.
 Rawr773
Joined: 2/9/2011
Msg: 87
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/10/2012 7:37:39 PM
I can see a phone number in the very first message being too fast because I will wonder how many other phone numbers she gave it out too in the first message. I got one in a first reply and it didn't work out.

However, if we are not exchnaging phone numbers or planning a meet within the fifth message the person is truly wasting my time. You will not get to know the person in text and chances are they are too scared to meet anyone from here. They can also lie to you about anything. You cannot get a feel for who they are until you have at least heard their voice or seen them in person. They can tell you they are a millionaire with 5 houses and 20 cars. Look at the very extreme stories on here. Do you really want to message someone fifty times and find out the person is nothing as to what he claimed? It's happened to me.

This site is for meeting people. I see no point in messaging someone over and over again that does not have the courage to take their face away from the computer screen and meet someone new.

The "exchanging personal information" is ironic too because people have apps for everything on their cell phone as it is. I would not be surprised if the same people that claim they don't want someone ringing their phone 24/7 are using an app that dings that same cell phone everytime someone sends them an email.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 88
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Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/10/2012 9:47:03 PM
Me:
Regarding the first few conversations and meetings:
The phone number or personal e-mail address are just values we place to measure how interested someone is in us. What we often fail to forget is that getting to know someone can be an experience without sacrificing our privacy. The site where you meet makes this option possible until 2 people decide they have gotten to know each other enough to take the next step of sharing personal data. Why not take advantage of this option a little bit longer? After we exchange numbers (if we do), most of us still keep up their profiles and continue to communicate to others through the same site anyway. So why would I want to loose that option so very soon? What’s the hurry if you are meeting and getting to know each in person anyway? There is no better way to learn about each than directly face to face. Once you are genuinely sure that you want to go further you can still knock yourselfs out on the personal info exchange. That’s my opinion.

Rawr: I don't even understand this.
Me: First of all, I respect peoples preferences on communication and I happened to appreciate face to face and not use any text at all. Never have. I am here to meet and get to know someone to see if I want to continue, nothing more (that includes my privacy that I am entitled to) and I expect the same respect regarding my own preference. I’m not sure what part of this you don’t understand, so I will break it down, not because I want to convince anyone but just to make myself clear in case I wasn’t before.

Rawr: Isn't the point of giving/getting a number to coordinate a meeting in most instances?
Me: Yes and no. You have choices. You can coordinate a meeting through the site. That’s what it’s there for. There is no rule that after the 3rd message you have to change communication styles, especially if you are willing to meet in person. If you are already meeting in person what difference does it make if you have my number? What difference does it make if you text or write through the site to arrange the next meeting? You’re meeting!!! Isn’t that what we all want?

Rawr: I don't have time or patience in emailing people who I haven't met back and forth for days on end - basically, emailing a few times is just an initial gauge/filter to whether you will meet this person somewhere public to see how you align.
Me: Correct, I’m with you on that, except sometimes it takes longer to get a feel for someone and in order to eliminate the back and forth (which I hate like you do) you have the option to meet in person as often as you like through the site. What difference does it make if you arrange the meet through the site, text or phone? Your convenience may be an inconvenience to someone else. As long as I am already meeting you I don’t feel it is necessary or a requirement to embrace you into my life until I know that is what I want. It’s nothing personal and it doesn’t mean I am not interested in spending time with you cause if I wasn’t I wouldn’t meet you in the first place.

Rawr: Therefore, in email number 3 or so, you attempt to exchange numbers to set up a meeting. Then you text each other to establish a meeting, and then text when you're in the vicinity of it to meet up. Simple - that's how I did it at least. Why are you skipping the phone, which is a coordination device, and then meeting, and then still holding off on the phone? That doesn't make much sense. In all the years and variety of dating I've done, I've only met one woman who cared about giving out her number (and I had met her in person first), and that in itself was as weird as possible, when it happened.
Me: How convenient for you if that is your preference. There are people who maybe still want to see you in person in order to get to know you better without the phone and text. I prefer to arrange the meetings ahead of time through the site until I know exactly when and who I’d like to have in my life and that includes receiving messages etc.

If someone doesn’t want to get to know you they will not make an effort in meeting you at all but if someone continues to show interest in you and makes themselves available to meet you in person why is it so outrageous to skip the phone and texting?

Sorry for the redundant responses but hopefully this clarifies the confusion.
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 90
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Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/11/2012 8:43:21 AM
HappySingleSpirit:


If someone doesn’t want to get to know you they will not make an effort in meeting you at all but if someone continues to show interest in you and makes themselves available to meet you in person why is it so outrageous to skip the phone and texting?

Sorry for the redundant responses but hopefully this clarifies the confusion.


I think the issue/confusion is that for a lot of us "on the go," writing emails can be irritating and pointless and have a delay time. POF has a horrible phone interface, a ridiculously horrible website design/interface, and I miss messages from here constantly. If I'm trying to set up a date with someone, it's much more productive to use texting for that. I move to text as soon as possible just to make coordination easier.

So, pretty much, for me, its normally:

a) gauging interest email
b) introductory email telling each other about themselves
c) would you like to meet for a drink, text to set up a date
d) a text that says "thank you, are you free at so and so time"
e) a text once you get to the place to let the other person know you're there/where you are (or if something goes wrong and you're late)

That's just the mot concise, practical way for me to do the whole "online meeting" thing. Removing the number from that makes me not get messages (or able to respond to them) right away or in a timely fashion at times, and removes the "I'm on my way/I'm sitting here/I'm late" practical communication.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 91
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Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/11/2012 11:00:05 AM
“Well single spirit. We want to make sure your a girl and not a guy and are a real person”

Well, LoveItaly you might as well check out her genitals too while you’re at it. That’s the lamest excuse I’ve ever heard.
If a man won’t meet me in person (which is I thought what we all want) without first hearing my voice and having access to my info outside of the dating site I’d wonder why he wrote me in the first place.

“Removing the number from that makes me not get messages (or able to respond to them) right away or in a timely fashion at times, and removes the "I'm on my way/I'm sitting here/I'm late" practical communication.”

Hi abmccray, I don’t really date that much and don’t feel it’s necessary for me to get messages right away because I prefer to arrange them ahead of time, not on the go. It’s not very often at all that I even consider meeting someone and when I do, flaking out or being late is not an issue for me as it shows who I'm dealing with. I kind of like the idea of not only making but also keeping arrangements. Of course sh** happens and there are exceptions, emergencies etc... but that’s not reason enough for me to give someone my number when I really didn’t want to in the first place. What’s the worst thing that will happen? They’ll write you and you make a new arrangement. If someone is late I don’t need to know that “right away”. He is late, period. Knowing it beforehand doesn’t change the fact he is late or whatever.

Anyhow, but for someone like you and probably most people who date a lot and often I can see why you do things the way you do. Bottomline is when someone is available in person all we need to do is show up and be less distracted by silly gadgets. If someone doesn’t even want to meet and just writes on and on and on I’d get bored and disinterested.

When it comes to guys or girls saying call me in the first message, I am simply not interested from the get go.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 92
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/11/2012 12:40:28 PM
men do this quite a bit, and if you want to guarantee that i WON"T be calling it is to leave me a message like this. a message like this tells me that the guy isn't all that interested, and it also says that he isn't going to make much of an effort. i want someoen that is crazy about me. i want mad passionate intense love. i don't want some tepid man in my life who regards me much as a book mark or a space keeper. men like this are just playing a number game to see how many responses they get. they aren't serious about you at all. you were just there and they thought, "well, i guess she's okay."

so yeah, don't 'em, and guys, don't send us messages like this...because if the above assessment is not what you intended to convey, then you are communicating your intentions very poorly because such an act comes across as lack luster and boring.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 94
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Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/11/2012 5:23:55 PM
"just a thought though, its easy to go and buy a sim card for a pound and stick it in your mobile,"

Just to clarify, the reason for not giving out a number (for me) is not limited or related to safety issues. It's the idea of actually listening to my feelings and intuition and exchanging numbers only when I'm ready. This way it is completely sincere and I have done what wanted exactly at the time when I wanted. Part of the happiness in my life comes from allowing myself to digest and process experiences without being pressured into things because they are expected of me.
I am very happy not texting. Arranging a meeting without doing things I don't want to do hasn't been a problem for me, on the contrary, saved a lot of time getting to know someone.
 shy2anne
Joined: 2/27/2009
Msg: 95
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/11/2012 9:15:23 PM
no way do i call a total stranger just because they've sent me their number.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 97
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/11/2012 9:59:13 PM
I'm not impatient when it comes to dating in-person; I'm as patient as it gets when I am dealing with a real human being.

If you open up a conversation with a real human, you talk/chat/message each other for at least 6-8 sentences - and that could be anyone, including a stranger in the street.

But on a regular basis, I'm expected to deal with this online 'conversation' of one-sentence emails every two days? B.S.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - you don't need to give out phone numbers or ANY personal information to meet someone, but you do HAVE to be willing to communicate like a normal human being would before you would ever get my consideration. There's being patient, and there's being played - and I'm not going to sit around like a dog begging for a biscuit that you are only willing to give out once a week.
 NonamousDog
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 98
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/12/2012 1:19:03 PM
So,
An initial message not only has to 'not suck', but it also has to not have a phone number in it?

HappySingleSpirit,

So you would rather be kept waiting half an hour for a guy who doesn't show up rather than get a phone call from him telling you he had a flat tire(or whatever)? Or would you leave and let him show up late after changing his tire not knowing that you'd left?
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 99
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Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/12/2012 1:32:03 PM
I would probably wait cause I would have something to read and reschedule if he doesn't show up after 30 minutes. Initial meetings aren't usually longer than 30 min-1hr anyway. I'm not going to give someone I don't even know my number just in case he has a flat. That's just me. You can do it differently.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 101
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Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/12/2012 7:31:55 PM

Have you ever given a guy your number in public when he asked you for it? If so, he is a complete stranger isn't he? What is the difference?

I don’t give it out to complete strangers. I don’t need to in order to meet a person.


If anything you are better prepared with a few initial emails than a two minute conversation you had with some random guy in public.

I don’t have a two minute conversation with a random guy in public. I’m very selective and the few initial emails through the site serves that purpose well.


Now I will never put my number in an initial message. However, if I get a response and I like what I read, I am exchanging 2-3 emails max and then I am asking for her number.

If you mutually come to that agreement than there is no problem, right? Fantastic. I guess we're both a bit rigid in different ways. Except, I would never say never. I give out my number when I know I want to.


I can honesty say that if a woman will not speak to me on the phone before meeting, I am not meeting her. End of story.

Okay. We are all different and that’s an option you have.


First you need to make sure it is actually a woman and not some guy pretending to be a woman .

If that is a concern you would have to Skype in order to make sure. You can’t know that over the phone.


Secondly, I value my time and I have no desire to meet with a woman for an hour if I am not sure if she can even handle 10-15 minutes with me on the phone.

Handle? I wouldn’t want to have a conversation over the phone so he can check out if I can “handle” a conversation with him. However you are clear about your requirements. Good for you.


If the conversation on the phone is terrible, then I would much rather spend 10 minutes dealing with that, then wasting gas to drive to meet a woman I have no chemistry with and spend an hour with her.

I can understand that but I get the same reassurance from the initial emails to determine if I want to meet or not. When I have a good feeling and a good email conversation I am ready to experience him in person. The phone usually does not help me get an overall sense of the person and I try not to develop a mental picture of someone whom I haven’t seen. That way I lesson the possibility of disappointment.


People need to start treating online dating like real life dating in which online is the method of initial contact that leads to a phone call and a date.

Says who? The online police? I like being selective instead. Knowing that I can get to know someone in person and exchange numbers after one or 2 meetings is maybe different, unexpected, or unusual these days but it’s not too much to ask.


Some women who want weeks of email communication are setting themselves up for major disappointment when they build up expectations and then wind up having no chemistry in person.

Exactly.


Why waste all that time and set yourself up for such disappointment when you could have taken ten minutes on the phone initially to eliminate the person as a possibility?

I don't look at it as wasted time. After the initial few emails (a week, 2 the most) I know if I’d like to meet the person or not. No waste of time involved at all. 10 minutes on the phone will not speed up anything for me.


Esp if the woman calls you "blocked call" You dont have her number and you can actually find out if she is actually a woman and not some dude posing as a woman.

I am very transparent and don’t feel I need to block someone. Instead, I give out my number happily when I’m ready. If you’re that concerned about people faking identities I believe in person is the safest route since you can’t know for sure over the phone.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 102
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/12/2012 10:37:43 PM
Viper~

"Why must she be naive?"

do you really need to ask why a woman would be naive to respond to an email from some guy that she doesn't even know, who is most likely running around pof sending his phone number out to myriad women? i mean, you are joking, right?

look, if a man wants to meet a woman then he should just ask for her number. if a man is THAT interested, he WILL not want to take a chance of her NOT calling. when a guy gives a woman his number it tells ya all ya need to know. first of all, the man could take or leave you. if you don't call, he's not going to be too bent out of shape about it. it's not like he saw your profile and went, "wow...i want to meet this woman."

i don't know about other women on this site, but that is not what i want. i want a man that is madly, passionately, intensely in love with me - because that is what I want to feel for someone. i am a passionate woman, and when i love someone i love with my whole heart. i give 120%, and i am not tepid or ambivalent. i do not find the lukewarm refreshing, or the safe, middle of the road to be all that exciting. i want adventure, passion, spontaneity, and someone to pull my hair...and the man who sends me a message with his phone number in it is obviously not capable of that much risk...and let's face it...falling love is risky...
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 103
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/12/2012 10:41:48 PM
marco444~

"To Larrisan. Did it ever occur to you that the guy may have been head over heels in love that is why he sent a number right away , you know just the way you would want him to be? You know like when a dog is being walked and he sees another dog and he gets so excited he just starts wriggling all over."

uh...no...if a man sees a woman's profile and he is absolutely smitten with the woman...he is not going to take a chance of her NOT talking to him by just giving her his number...hell no...men are about action...well, at least the type of men that I LIKE...a man that is smitten with a woman will ask for her number...and he will message her until he gets it...he will try different tactics...he will want to talk to her asap...he will want to meet her asap...he will not sit by his lap top hoping, pining, holding his breath waiting for her to call...no way...i want a man that is AT CAUSE in life...not one that is EFFECT... and this is sexy as hell!
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 104
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:40:59 AM
Quite a few woman here do the same. Some put it in their profile, "IM me and I'll give you my number so we can talk." Or, "Not into email." Honestly, I'm not comfortable sharing my phone number with someone I've never met face to face.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 106
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/13/2012 5:04:16 AM
Some of these people have been in these dating sites - and active daily - for multiple years.

I wonder if some people who are online just as often feel a kind of 'kinship' with them - like they may know them, because they've read and re-read their profile dozens of times - and after a couple dozen re-writes seem to know them a lot better. The fear of sending out a phone number or e-mail un-solicited is gone because of familiarity with the profile.

I realize that's pathetically sad on several levels, but hey, it could happen...
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 107
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Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/13/2012 6:43:17 PM

I ws just wondering if womem are so concerned about a guy having their phone number that if you say you are more than welcome to call me and blocking your number that they still get creeped out by it?


No, in general, I don’t think women get creeped out by it. Of course I can’t speak for all or most women out there but for me it’s a matter of not giving in to pressure or expectation. It is important for me to have the freedom to give out my number on my own. What does creep me out is when it is “the only way” to get to know him.

To block someone from the get go just doesn’t feel right to me. I have talked to men before in the past on the phone (blocked and unblocked) and every time I was disappointed that they didn’t turn out to be who I thought they were when I actually met hem. So i got better at reading written communication. On the phone and prolonged email conversations I was getting attached to an unrealistic image (which is human nature) and when I saw them everything changed. I learned that it is best to meet in person and then decide to give out my unblocked number if I thought we were compatible.


I think that some guys just want to hear a voice as soon as possible and I agree with that. Texting or emailing endlessly can be a waste of time.


That may be true and I think I want to experience the person face to face ASAP. Texting or emailing endlessly can definitely be a waste of time. I would be willing to Skype if he was far away and didn't have time to waste but I would also be willing to wait until we can actually meet face to face so it is less awkward.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 108
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/15/2012 4:56:19 PM
interestingly enough, i've had quite a few men message me recently then add their phone numbers along with the tag line, "let me know," or "give me a call if you want." ugh. sorry, that is such a turn off. why don't you ask for MY number if you are interested...oh wait...you aren't all that interested...that's why!
 NonamousDog
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 109
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/16/2012 9:52:12 AM
^^^^^^
What if they are waiting for you to do something to prove how interested YOU are?
So, you're kind of playing 'chicken' with these guys: who's going to blink first and act 'interested enough' first.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 110
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Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/16/2012 11:15:43 AM
If I am interested in someone I will I have a reason and will articulate that in the e-mail. If the interest is mutual THEN and only then can a phone conversation or face to face meeting be arranged. But to approach a woman with the attitude, “ Oh well, if she’s interested in me she can call me” is lame and says a lot about the person. If you want to meet a decent woman you have to consider a more meaningful approach.
 Pete2205
Joined: 3/18/2011
Msg: 111
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Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:34:45 AM
Why this has dragged on so long god knows!!

There have actually been occasions when after a series of email exchanges a meeting has been arranged and some poor guy turns up for a date to find out that the "Girl" he expected to meet is a guy....And thats a fact.

You can only really get to know someone by TALKING to them. You can say what you want in an email or an instant chat but when you actually speak to someone you give out much more of yourself. The tone of your voice and how you speak makes an immediate impression. The conversation will either flow or it will quickly stagnate...The sooner phone contact is made either via skype, mobile or landline the better - It will sure save a hell of a lot of emailing!!

I think its fair to use the anology of a job application - You apply for a job and normally send a CV. Your number will be on your CV with an invitation for that prospective employer to ring you IF they think you tick the requirements of the job. IF the emplyer calls you then its no gurantee of a job but the conversation may lead to an interview...which, if that goes well, may lead to a work trial. There are no promises at this stage but you have both reached a point where you want to see if there is a future

So here sure someone reads your profile and may decide to send you a brief message and yes they might suggest you ring them IF you are interested in what you read in their profile? They might have given you their number but at this point they are not asking you divulge YOUR number nor are they after your life history, your bank account details or anything more than an initial chat to see if their is something worth pursuing? After a few chats you may indeed decide to meet up but again just like the job, there are no gurantees because its still at the getting to know you stage.

To be honest if someone is so reluctant to talk to me then alarm bells start ringing. Perhaps they are married, perhaps they are so shy on the phone that the only way they can express themselves is by email or instant message.
Perhaps they are not at all who they seem to be and dont want to get found out, liars often give themselves away on the phone so easily.

Its a shame that some people cannot see that IF a guy suggests they call him its a compliment. Its a compliment because the guy likes that persons profile and pics so much that they want to dispense with lots of emails and instead just get into conversation with you!

By dismissing a call request so easily and making an instant assumption that the guy must be weird, desperate or too full on then just maybe you might be saying no to that one person who could become very special to you.

IF you like pic /profile then make the call!! You have totally nothing whatsover to lose except an opportunity to get to know someone better ...
 meowkatt2012
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 112
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/19/2012 7:34:41 AM
I would never call a total.stranger who's message is hello give me a call etc
 Pete2205
Joined: 3/18/2011
Msg: 113
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Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/19/2012 12:08:42 PM
Neither would I Katt But..... IF their message showed that they had clearly read my profile and the email was interesting and told me more about them and then perhaps had somewhere that they much prefered to talk rather than email then I see no problem.

I would not expect a woman to give me her number but if I was interested and she asked for mine she could have it. This then allows her to ring me with her number witheld. I totally respect in todays society anyone right to hold back their number until they are ready.

I would be very suspicious about anyone who had a seperate mobile that was used just for dating reasons?
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 114
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Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 7/20/2012 7:16:24 PM
Oh come on. Just call him by blocking your number. It doesn't matter what you want or how off-putting it is to be approached in this way. How else is he gonna know you're a woman and not a man in disguise? How is he gonna know you're interested in him even though you're not? That is so unfair. :)))
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