Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Dealing with POF rejection      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 51
view profile
History
Dealing with POF rejectionPage 3 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

Ah well. I'm always happy to buy a new bathing suit, and can bait my own hook (oh, god: does that make me too independent? :)

It probably does. Sometimes I think being able to walk and talk at the same time is an automatic DQ - you're not bright enough to let The Man do everything for you! It always makes me wonder just how they thought we managed as single mothers, freshly divorced single women, etc etc etc, without some superior being to 'save' us.

Seriously, I do know that's not a common attitude, at least not in the younger generations, and it's not all prevalent in my own. But I've heard it so many times from both men and women, there have been times I wondered myself how I managed to survive.

One of the funnier 'rejections' I got was from someone I'd never had any kind of contact with. The man was a professional artist on the east coast and I liked the photos of his work that he'd posted, so I added him to my favorites list. A week or so later I got a long rambling rant about how bitter and argumentative I was! Total bewilderment on my part - I have no idea how anyone can be argumentative without having any kind of communication first.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 52
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/10/2011 1:23:33 PM
I prefer the premptive rejections. The ones where you send a message
merely commenting on something interesting in their profile, or perhaps
mentioning one of their forum posts, wish them well in their search, say
happy fishing or whatever, and they respond with "sorry I'm not interested"
sorry, you're not what I'm looking for" Sorry, you're this that or the other
thing."

I sometimes would like to respond with um...did you even read what I wrote?
I wasn't suggesting anything. But I figure they're either too dense to understand
that or they've already blocked me.

Either way, don't consider fishes your only means of meeting people and don't
take rejections (or forum posts) from random strangers so seriously.
 pretzelman60
Joined: 9/27/2011
Msg: 53
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/10/2011 1:23:39 PM
rejection on POF is no different than rejection in any other form. It is what it is. Deal with it. I have found a sure fire way to avoid rejection...I never make the first move.

End of story


JMO
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 54
view profile
History
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/10/2011 2:43:33 PM

I sometimes would like to respond with um...did you even read what I wrote?
I wasn't suggesting anything. But I figure they're either too dense to understand
that or they've already blocked me.

it's reasonable to assume romantic intention in a first message, since that's the primary reason people on dating sites send first messages. the more gracious thought would be to thank these guys for the clarity of their communication, rather then condemn them for not being mind readers.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 55
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/10/2011 3:18:37 PM
If POF rejections get to you,
you are probably not ready for the real life ones.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 56
view profile
History
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/10/2011 3:28:56 PM

it's reasonable to assume romantic intention in a first message, since that's the primary reason people on dating sites send first messages. the more gracious thought would be to thank these guys for the clarity of their communication, rather then condemn them for not being mind readers.

I guess that was the mistake I made several months ago when I sent someone a message complimenting them on a well-written profile. Absolutely nothing in it prompted any kind of response, except possibly a 'thank you' if that. What I got was a really snarky smartassed answer and blocked. Kinda silly and self-defeating, because his screen ID is also his business name - one would think he might have been just a tad bit nicer since he's using the site for advertising as well.
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 57
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/10/2011 4:33:42 PM
it's reasonable to assume romantic intention in a first message, since that's the primary reason people on dating sites send first messages. the more gracious thought would be to thank these guys for the clarity of their communication


Nope. Probably somewhere around 25% of the first e-mails arriving in my inbox are messages about something in my profile (i.e. "Is that an Adirondack High Peak [in your photo]?" or "Great forum post" or "For someone your age, you look____________" or "What do you have against smokers (or motorcycles or. . . ) ?"

Etc.

And i agree: it's nice that someone has taken the time to notice and write. So nice that I always send back my thanks! Although some recipients are probably not thankful to receive my um, "expressive" replies to the smoking question!
 CynM
Joined: 7/11/2011
Msg: 58
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/10/2011 5:43:58 PM

Everything beyond the first sentence of "I have only been on POF a couple of months but I have felt so much rejection from guys." is you putting too much thought into what is basically nothing, and the first sentence is predicated on what you consider to be "rejection".

First, please redefine your definition of "rejection". It has such negative connotations and in my opinion really doesn't apply in online... fishing. Sending out messages to people here is exactly what you're supposed to be doing. Think of it as though you were putting a puzzle together. You pick up a piece that you think might fit, only to find out after trying it that it didn't. It's not bad, it simply is what it is. When you don't get a return response or a message that wasn't what you had hoped for, it doesn't mean you're not desirable or that their reason for not not pursuing you is fishy. Don't give it another thought and continue forward. Please don't beat yourself up over nothing. We've all experienced this and it is just a part of the process. You invest a minute or two to send out a message. I don't feel a loss or consider it rejection when I don't get a return response or a "Thanks, but no thanks". If you have no expectations you'll experience no disappointments. The important thing is that you don't take it to heart, it really means very little.

+1
OP, not to argue semantics but you have not been rejected. Rejection is active. If you offer someone cake and they say, no thanks I already have ice cream, they are not rejecting the cake. If they'd said no thanks cake sucks, that might be closer to rejection.

And as far as people being on POF who are already in a relationship - well, you don't get to be the judge and jury. I fail to see the issue with someone in a relationship saying 'no thanks, I'm in a relationship' - i.e. they clearly stated up front they are not entertaining side action. Might have been nicer to reply 'congratulations and good luck' and then move onto the next profile.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 59
view profile
History
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/10/2011 6:21:11 PM


it's reasonable to assume romantic intention in a first message, since that's the primary reason people on dating sites send first messages. the more gracious thought would be to thank these guys for the clarity of their communication

Nope. Probably somewhere around 25% of the first e-mails arriving in my inbox are messages about something in my profile (i.e. "Is that an Adirondack High Peak [in your photo]?" or "Great forum post" or "For someone your age, you look____________" or "What do you have against smokers (or motorcycles or. . . ) ?"

so you support my point. three out of four messages you receive carry what you believe is a romantic intention. if that's not enough to make an assumption of romantic intent reasonable, nothing is.
 snomancollector
Joined: 10/12/2011
Msg: 60
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/11/2011 3:08:13 AM
They way I see it, you cannot be everyone's cup of tea. You post a profile and a picture and that is what may lead someone to your door.

There is someone for everyone and patience is the key. Success does not come over night.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 61
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/11/2011 7:53:32 AM

it's reasonable to assume romantic intention in a first message, since that's the primary reason people on dating sites send first messages. the more gracious thought would be to thank these guys for the clarity of their communication, rather then condemn them for not being mind readers.


I would agree when you see you have a message, you might reasonably assume
it's because of romantic intention. But then after you read the message and it's
clear someone is only commenting on something you said in the forums, something
they noticed about your profile, they mention nothing about interest, they leave no
doors open for further conversation (other than perhaps a thanks for noticing), yeah
I'd say they didn't bother to read what I actually wrote. Then they respond by telling
me sorry, they aren't interested for whatever reason. That tells me they didn't read
the message at all, they looked at my profile and ruled me out for whatever reason
and decided to share it with me. Yeah, I'd say they were dense. I did write back a few
times jesting they were flattering themselves anyways, but I was already blocked.

I don't expect anyone to be mind readers. I do expect them to read and respond
accordingly though.

But thank you for clarity of your communication.

 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 62
view profile
History
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/11/2011 10:13:04 AM
BrownEyesBoo said:
I would agree when you see you have a message, you might reasonably assume
it's because of romantic intention. But then after you read the message and it's
clear someone is only commenting on something you said in the forums, something
they noticed about your profile, they mention nothing about interest, they leave no
doors open for further conversation (other than perhaps a thanks for noticing), yeah
I'd say they didn't bother to read what I actually wrote. Then they respond by telling
me sorry, they aren't interested for whatever reason. That tells me they didn't read
the message at all, they looked at my profile and ruled me out for whatever reason
and decided to share it with me. Yeah, I'd say they were dense. I did write back a few
times jesting they were flattering themselves anyways, but I was already blocked.

I don't expect anyone to be mind readers. I do expect them to read and respond
accordingly though.

But thank you for clarity of your communication.


In my experience, it seems to vary depending on distance. When I am reading here on the forums, I often go and look at the poster's profile. And if something there jumps out at me, then I will often send a message. The recipient almost never mis-understands when they are great distances away. But if I send a message to someone who is in my general vicinity, commenting on their profile, they will usually assume that I am "coming on to them", and respond accordingly. This is irregardless of the actual content of the message.

I can send a message like:



I saw your post on the forums, and jumped over to check out your profile.

Love the long, beautiful hair. I think it makes you look much younger.


If the lady is 1,000 miles away, she will respond kindly, thanking me for the compliment. If she is 50 miles away, she is more likely to not respond, or to say "Sorry, I don't date men who are ________".

And I do understand this. People tend to think, if you are close, and of the opposite sex, that you simply must be attracted to them. If you are thousands of miles away, they still think you are attracted to them, but it is much safer due to the distance.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 63
view profile
History
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/11/2011 1:17:41 PM

But then after you read the message and it's
clear someone is only commenting on something you said in the forums, something
they noticed about your profile, they mention nothing about interest, they leave no
doors open for further conversation (other than perhaps a thanks for noticing), yeah
I'd say they didn't bother to read what I actually wrote. Then they respond by telling
me sorry, they aren't interested for whatever reason. That tells me they didn't read
the message at all, they looked at my profile and ruled me out for whatever reason
and decided to share it with me. Yeah, I'd say they were dense. I did write back a few
times jesting they were flattering themselves anyways, but I was already blocked.

I don't expect anyone to be mind readers. I do expect them to read and respond
accordingly though.

i really wish i lived on the same planet you do, where directness is the only communication strategy people employ. it would take so much of the guesswork out. but i don't, unfortunately - i was raised on planet earth, where such a narrow communication model has never existed, least of all in the romantic arena.

believe me, most men would be relieved if such an indirectness-free approach model was most effective. it'd be great to be around an attractive woman and be able to say, 'you've piqued my romantic curiousity and i'd would like to spend time with you to see if we might be mentally, physically and emotionally compatible,' and count on a positive response if she felt the same way. but that's hardly an approach most women will welcome, is it? indirectness is the essence of courtship initiation, women demand it, and men know it, so please spare me any nonsense about how we should pretend indirect communication doesn't exist.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 64
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/11/2011 1:44:44 PM

i really wish i lived on the same planet you do, where directness is the only communication strategy people employ. it would take so much of the guesswork out. but i don't, unfortunately - i was raised on planet earth, where such a narrow communication model has never existed, least of all in the romantic arena.

believe me, most men would be relieved if such an indirectness-free approach model was most effective. it'd be great to be around an attractive woman and be able to say, 'you've piqued my romantic curiousity and i'd would like to spend time with you to see if we might be mentally, physically and emotionally compatible,' and count on a positive response if she felt the same way. but that's hardly an approach most women will welcome, is it? indirectness is the essence of courtship initiation, women demand it, and men know it, so please spare me any nonsense about how we should pretend indirect communication doesn't exist.


Sorry to disagree but I have had several different men of all ages write to me, I assure you that weren't interested. I tend to take a person at their word, if they are playing a game then I guess it's their loss.

However gosh how refreshing it would be if a man were to just out and out say...hey I like you and would like to find out more vs all the other things they do to try and get your attention.

I think that is part of the problem, it is where some say if they add you to favorites it means they want to see if you are interested, others say it means nothing, for others it means something else...so you have to always be guessing and then second guessing what something means...till I just said hey i like a direct approach...the type of man I would be interested in won't beat about the bush looking for a back door in...he will just storm the castle...Heck for the right man...Ill even lower the draw bridge :P

Guess what I am saying if you feel the need to *play this type of game where there is what you say and what you don't say online ..then maybe the females aren't picking up on your clues...try to be more direct and see if it works better for you...

But when I know someone is doing something *engaging and Im not interested Im not about to lead them on. There are certain things each of us know we can or can't tolerate in a member of the opposite sex so if a guy tricks me into talking with him under the concept that he isn't really interested in me but in whatever topic we are referring to...then shame on him for his dishonesty and he deserves to feel rejected in the end.
 Merekats
Joined: 1/23/2009
Msg: 65
view profile
History
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/11/2011 3:52:14 PM
With all due respect, I beg to differ.
I would not consider what happens on POF to be "normal dating standards" by any stretch of the imagination. This is site has a reputation for being the worst of all the dating sites and I tend to agree.
No one on this site should take any rejection seriously, that I can say with absolute certainty. In fact, I wouldn't even view it as rejection!
There was a time when internet dating was a good way to meet potential suitors. It seems to have seen it day and I would suggest either a paying site or meeting people the good old fashion way - IN PERSON.
As for POF = you get what you pay for!
 pisces1961
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 66
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/11/2011 4:22:56 PM
Don't feel bad...as a guy I am dealing with the same thing. You get used to it. And sometimes you expect it. I have been on POF for better part of a year. Had a few dates but nothing that ended up serious enough to pull my profile. No one doubts your sincerity except those who want to take advantage of it. I have gotten pretty good at judging people based on their profile and their photos. You can pretty much tell who is serious and who isn't.

My advice is if it gets too hard for you block your profile from the searches for a while until you figure out how much of this you can take. LOL I say that politely mind you. I have been serious about my search since I got on here. Too bad a good chunk of the women aren't as serious.

Good luck to you!

HUGS!
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 67
view profile
History
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/11/2011 5:22:33 PM

I would not consider what happens on POF to be "normal dating standards" by any stretch of the imagination. This is site has a reputation for being the worst of all the dating sites and I tend to agree.
No one on this site should take any rejection seriously, that I can say with absolute certainty. In fact, I wouldn't even view it as rejection!

Intresting. I'm on a whole slew of sites, and it's the same faces on all of them. And I've gotten the same reactions - or lack thereof - from the same ones.

And there are a whole lot of sites that are infintely worse than POF.
 Spring_weather
Joined: 5/20/2011
Msg: 68
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/11/2011 5:39:45 PM
I've had people message me on POF, or I have messaged them. I ignore some messages if they are looking for sex, or I don't like how the man looks in his photograph..!

I haven't had any success with people at all on the site..

 sirstrong
Joined: 5/8/2009
Msg: 69
view profile
History
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/11/2011 7:06:01 PM
As a man I assure you that we go through many,many rejections on Pof so don't take it personal.
 Hurray4Gray
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 70
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/11/2011 7:37:45 PM
Not to worry..I will be 60 and still looking.
 Mort Meeks
Joined: 1/30/2006
Msg: 71
view profile
History
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/12/2011 12:07:53 AM
This is an awesome thread. Thanks, everybody, I feel better now. For me, the problem is the sheer number of messages I've sent saying, "Hey, you sound interesting, let's talk," with very, very few responses. You can get to feeling like nobody thinks you're worth talking to, like the jury of womanhood (or manhood, as the case may be) has found you guilty of being just downright ugly or something. But I know that the holdup might be one factor for one woman, and another factor for another woman, and this one woman doesn't even read her messages, and that one just wants to keep count of the responses she gets, or whatever. And I know I've had some very good girlfriends in real life, nice-looking women who were fun to be with and who enjoyed being with me. And I know there's a real world I go out into every day where I could meet someone tomorrow. So I guess I can stand to see this flat-screen projection of a three-dimensional person get "rejected" time and time again, but I still hope I might meet somebody extraordinary on here who I would not have met otherwise. Meanwhile, it would be nice to have some online friends to pass the late hours with before bedtime.
 Dancingnuke
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 72
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/12/2011 5:11:24 AM
I'm still laughing, my tummy hurts. You have a great sense of justice with the right mix of humor mixed in. Still laughing:applause
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 73
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/12/2011 6:39:28 AM
From page one:
[quotelol...I'm an expert at POF rejection.
So I will now share my tip with you.
After you get "rejected" sit down in a chair, turn the tv on, crack open a beer and say "fukk 'em"]

The older i get.. more rejection i get..
 classysmartlatina
Joined: 10/24/2011
Msg: 74
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/12/2011 8:12:19 AM
Lady it takes time, I've been on and off POFf almost 2 years and found a couple of guys which I started a relationship with, one, he was separated and untill now he still VERY MARRIED, the second one, a CHEATER.
So be patient and be happy with yourself which is the only way you can make someone else happy too.
No pressure, be patient and if you beleive in GOD just ask him to get the man of your life very close to you.
Good luck!
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 75
view profile
History
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/12/2011 8:28:59 AM
Op, a few thoughts....

One poster Maude I believe, pointed out that she found in her experience that men of a certain age prefer to contact women than the reverse.

There have been several posts on this over the years that suggest that thinking like this is nothing but a continuance of an old fashioned mindset where men always had to initiate contact/interest. Be that as it appears to some, it's nonetheless still a very a valid mindset operating in the minds of many men.

Not all people are comfortable switching up the deck chairs from an organized pattern that has worked for them for years...so relax and let things happen, take a back seat to the process and see where that takes you--- spend time on the forums and get some various perspectives --This kind of thing gets rehashed fairly often.

In my own experience here, I can suggest that I've contacted less than 5 folks with an idea of dating them in mind; for one it worked out very well. I prefer that men contact and no, it's not because I can't it's because that's what I prefer -- Old fashioned? Nah, it's more about the kind of interplay that I'm comfortable with.

Another poster, Christ has posted...

... indirectness is the essence of courtship initiation, women demand it, and men know it, so please spare me any nonsense about how we should pretend indirect communication doesn't exist.


...i really wish i lived on the same planet you do, where directness is the only communication strategy people employ. it would take so much of the guesswork out. but i don't, unfortunately - i was raised on planet earth, where such a narrow communication model has never existed, least of all in the romantic arena.


...indirectness is the essence of courtship initiation, women demand it, and men know it, so please spare me any nonsense about how we should pretend indirect communication doesn't exist.

^^^What Christ is alluding is imo true. I personally have never liked the direct route. There are many other posters on these forums that think completely opposite to this, but I'm not one of them.

You can be somewhat 'proactive' in only letting the men you have some interest in see that you've landed on their profile. That simple 'nudge' is sometimes all that's necessary; it allows someone who prefers to feel that he's taking the initiative to take it from there if so inclined.

Pof and other sites like is more of 'introduction feeder', providing an opportunity to that allows people to go to one place to find people that like themselves, are expressly interested in dating.

If you keep that in mind, then the whole notion of 'rejection' goes out the window...you'll realize that this is/should only be one of the 'tentacles' you have out there in an effort to meet, and attract new people to you and into your life---It should never the only one---

Unfortunately this is where that whole notion of 'desperation' becomes less abstract and more of reality for certain people.

Understand yourself and understand your target audience and then always act on here in accordance to your own comfort level.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Dealing with POF rejection