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 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 30
That's your problem...really?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
(Gwendolyn2010) As several people have pointed out, it takes two to make or break a marriage.


Very campy, and I'm sure it looks just snazzy on a T-shirt. But, while it may indeed take two to MAKE a marriage, it can be totally destroyed by just ONE. In some cases, it is a cooperative effort, but sometimes it can be a solo act, too. People who try to dumb down complex issues into catch-phrases and slogans are quite low -- low morals, low intellect, intellectually lazy...


By hearing only your side, it seems that your wife is the only one to blame for the break-up, but I have rarely--if ever--seen a marriage go bad where only one party bears the blame.


*shrug* If you don't believe rock_hunter, then just say so, instead of going off and saying "Ah-HA!!! We only heard HIS side, so he's OBVIOUSLY a liar, and here's what REALLY happened...!"


Let me take another bitter pill here: when I received a diploma for a teaching credential, the graduation class wore street clothes. My ex told me that my "ass looked a mile wide" when I crossed the stage.

Perhaps some men would think his comment was trivial, but many women wouldn't.


So, your ex was crass. Don't then assume that ALL situations are EXACTLY as yours was...

We haven't heard HIS side; therefore, OBVIOUSLY there's more to the story than you're relating, and I'll bet what REALLY happened was rather different...


(Deerclan) More likely you're talking about a person with a sociopathic streak.


Nah, the simplest solution is often the right one. Maybe she's just in a b!tchy mood...

Arlo...
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 31
view profile
History
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 4:33:35 PM
If somebody sees a problem in a relationship as "your" problem rather than "our" problem then youre delusional, you dont actually HAVE a relationship

You just have a glorified room mate who will be off the moment something better comes along
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 34
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 4:55:00 PM

*shrug* If you don't believe rock_hunter, then just say so, instead of going off and saying "Ah-HA!!! We only heard HIS side, so he's OBVIOUSLY a liar, and here's what REALLY happened...!"


How strange that in your next breath, you accuse me of doing the same thing.


We haven't heard HIS side; therefore, OBVIOUSLY there's more to the story than you're relating, and I'll bet what REALLY happened was rather different..


In case you failed to read my other posts, this is what I said earlier in reference to the OP's position on his ex-wife AND the situation where his friend was dissed in front of a crowd.


People who try to dumb down complex issues into catch-phrases and slogans are quite low -- low morals, low intellect, intellectually lazy...


Cliches continue to exist for a reason: in case of POF forums, one often must speak to the lowest denominator. I am sure that you understand that, don't you?
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 35
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 5:13:06 PM

(AT) *shrug* If you don't believe rock_hunter, then just say so, instead of going off and saying "Ah-HA!!! We only heard HIS side, so he's OBVIOUSLY a liar, and here's what REALLY happened...!"


(Gwendolyne2010) How strange that in your next breath, you accuse me of doing the same thing.


It's called sarcasm. Please, please don't tell me that you missed it.



(AT) People who try to dumb down complex issues into catch-phrases and slogans are quite low -- low morals, low intellect, intellectually lazy...


(Gwendolyne2010) Cliches continue to exist for a reason ...


Yes: to accomodate those unable to think about issues for themselves.


: in case of POF forums, one often must speak to the lowest denominator.


Hey! There's only room for ONE condescending SOB around here, and *I* have a hammerlock on that position already...


I am sure that you understand that, don't you?


Oh, SNAP!

Arlo...
 slimmer9999
Joined: 10/29/2011
Msg: 36
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 5:16:12 PM
There is only one difference between me arguing with my brother and arguing with a potential date. My brother is blood relation, he would have to do a lot of complaining to get me mad. I take everything in stride, I walk away. If it's a woman and we can't think alike she is gone, period. I will give and take but not as much as I would with family.
 Prometheus23
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 37
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 5:19:29 PM
I have heard this before and it made me laugh my ass off.

The wife wanted the husband to watch his kids on Sunday.
He said "I can't bring them to the bar to watch Football with the boys."
She said "Not my problem!"

What I'm getting at is context much gets lost in the translation.
Much of communication is non-verbal
Words are only symbols to try and communicate feelings what really matters is the feelings people have for each other.
 scurvy_little_spider
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 38
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 5:22:22 PM
^^ "Not my problem" seems to me a less aggressive wording for "that's your problem" which I've used to great effect, although not with an equal -- more with unruly teenagers or whiny grown acquaintances who would love to transfer a problem from their back onto mine, and I ain't havin any of it.

Another even less aggressive wording I've had used on me is "I don't know what to tell you." Meaning sort of we can't agree, and I've already made all my points, don't see the point of keeping going over it.

I don't know why the "that's your problem" sounds so much more hateful and hostile to my ear than "that's not my problem" since they bottom-line mean the same thing 1:1.



 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 39
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 5:24:43 PM
married life is hard!!!! i wonder how i would get by...
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 40
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 5:43:00 PM

The true problem is that in this forums, we hear only one side of a story.



I began to tell him of my problem but he stopped me and venomously said, "I don't want to hear this sh*t."


.... I just wanna hear HIS side before I believe a word you say, dammit!

 scurvy_little_spider
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 41
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 5:59:59 PM
^ That's your problem.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 42
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 6:40:25 PM

^ That's your problem.


... yeah, yeah... well... yeah, Ineverlovedyouanyway...

.. so neener, neener, neeeeener....



 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 43
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 7:12:41 PM
^^^^


^ That's your problem.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 44
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:19:00 PM

What's up when one of the spouses voices a concern, lack of satisfaction or generally is upset about something with their life as a couple, and the other says "that's your problem"?


To me; that means the relationship is breaking down.

If I am in a relationship with someone; "our" is how things are described.
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 45
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:49:54 PM
GWEN:



The true problem is that in this forums, we hear only one side of a story. My ex used to come home from work and every single fricking workday, he would launch into a tirade about his job and the people with whom he worked. This went on for literally years (we were married for 25 years). I would offer sympathy but he NEVER wanted to truly do anything about the situation--he wouldn't think about looking for another job or any other suggestions that I gave.

Still, I listened and commiserated UNTIL one day he came home and I had experienced a bad day. I began to tell him of my problem but he stopped me and venomously said, "I don't want to hear this sh*t."

Needless to say, after that his work problems WERE his problems.

But I am sure that if you talked to him today, he would say that I was a cold hearted b*tch.

Your ex was communicating with you--her words spoke loudly and clearly! But without being a fly on the wall, it is impossible for anyone in this thread to make an informed comment about what led her to this point and whether she was the problem, you were the problem, or whether it was a mutual problem.


One thing that's surely true is that you can present a "snapshot" of your partner at some point in your relationship, and he or she can either be made to sound like a Stephen Kingian nightmare monster or a warmhearted saint.

I think when people offer up these snapshots, they're usually being honest and accurate. And I'm sure you are being accurate and honest in this cringe-worthy account, Gwen. After hearing about your husband, I have an image of him as a first-class boor and insensitive dullard par excellence. And yet, I wonder: Hmmm, would Gwen really marry and stay with a guy who's THAT stupid and dull?

I think it takes a lot of effort and an exceptionally fair mind to give one's former partner his or her due. You want so very, very much for them to be the bad guy/gal and you to be the aggrieved party. One of the hardest things I've ever done - and I did it only recently - is let go of my grievances from my recently expired relationship. Even now I catch myself thinking, "Damn, but if she had only done the right thing --"
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 46
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/15/2011 7:29:01 AM

And yet, I wonder: Hmmm, would Gwen really marry and stay with a guy who's THAT stupid and dull?


He was dull, but his "cruelty" was largely not stopping to think what he was saying. I met him when I was 17 and married him when I was 20--he is a year older than I.

Which brings us to a different topic and WHY we marry whom we do. I was too young, plain and simple. He pursued me for three years and I gave in for a combination of reasons:

1. Marriage was expected of my by my family and they liked him.

2. When he was 18-25ish, he was "cute."

3. I was fat--I thought that I wouldn't get anyone better.

4. At first, I loved him.

I stayed in the marriage for so long because I was financially dependent on him (he liked it like that) and later, because I became "good" Christian and didn't believe in divorce.

By the time that I left, I was apathetic towards him: I just didn't care any longer. This relates back to the "that's your problem" issue at hand. Hate is not the opposite of love: apathy is the opposite of both. When you no longer care about your partner, it is truly over. After taking care of the man for 25 years (he worked and I pretty much did everything else), his problems were his problems--I just didn't care any longer.

About six months before I left, I stopped wearing my wedding ring. In part, it was because I had lost 100 pounds and it no longer fit, but I could have bought another one. I know this hurt my ex, but at that point, it was his problem.

And apathy can be as cruel as hate.

Back to my original supposition: we hear one side of a story in these forums. Yup, you hear MY side, and I know that my ex's side is very different. Our marriage ended for various reasons, but I was the one who left and he wanted to keep it going.

When I read the OP's first post, I heard and saw my ex speaking--from his point of view. Even the things that he discussed were issues my ex would discuss, but knowing how the couple GOT to that point is something to which we are not privy. We only have the OP's words to judge the situation--and yes, I realize that only my words are presented here. I am not being hypocritical, but I am saying instead of jumping on a wagon to beat up the OP's ex, remember that she has stories, as well.
 Kpanlogo
Joined: 10/13/2011
Msg: 47
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/15/2011 8:14:10 AM
Really OP?
This is about a haircut?
We got all worked up and wrote here about a haircut?
I was being all supportive ... I don't know now.
With your brief description of the haircut incident between the couple, I couldn't quite pick out who dissed who with "that's your problem" but a haircut a girl wants to try is a pretty light matter in my book.
Guys need to grin and bear new haircuts and girls need to understand guys aren't always the best actors.
But how we got from a disagreement about a haircut to separations and divorce and all that ... that's a stretch for me.
Maybe everybody in your story needs to lighten up, or maybe the haircut incident is just the white foam on a bigger wave we don't know about ... but all this about haircut is absurd.
 its_me_J
Joined: 1/1/2011
Msg: 48
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/15/2011 8:20:00 AM

I am not being hypocritical, but I am saying instead of jumping on a wagon to beat up the OP's ex, remember that she has stories, as well.


I did not read in any of the posts prior to yours (including the original question) where the ex was being "beat up". Sorry Gwen, I do agree with most of the points you made and they are valid, but he only wanted to know what it meant when a spouse replied "That's your problem"... plain and simple.

From the little we were given, I conclude that this person has emotionally left the relationship. However, as one poster mentioned, context plays an important role.

And just to clarify... I ended my marriage all by myself.
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 50
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/15/2011 10:06:01 AM

What's up when one of the spouses


You...got more than one? You sly dog you
 4everRadiant
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 51
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/15/2011 11:15:21 AM
"At the end, more than the lack of sex, lack of intimacy or her verbal violence, that's the single thing that in time, even if she had not cheated, would had killed my marriage anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No expressed form of caring, no sex, no intimacy, verbal violence and cheating?
Her apparent problems might have been a reflection of your relationship *at large.* Sounds like she left, which may have been the best thing that could have happened, for both of you.

Now, you can look at your part in that relationship and determine how you can attract the type of woman who can and will communicate in a manner that best meets both your needs. A communication breakdown is not usually one sided.

Communication is key. Your ex did communicate. Perhaps not in a Loving way, but she communicated alright. Something was problematic (for both of you), probably for a very long time, and she and/or you (together) did not address that something in a direct or immediate way.

If you experienced something as a problem and your ex would not deal with the matter, then I think the relationship likely had long standing problems that one, the other, or both somehow managed to ignore or dance around.

Nonetheless, I hope your next relationship or marriage is somehow much sweeter.
Evaluate what you might need to change in yourself, and you will find your match.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 52
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/15/2011 1:28:16 PM
its me J, when I said people were beating up on the ex, here's why:


your partner is obviously not open to hearing what you have to say, and it obviously not grown up enough to handle the difficult issues that confront all married couples.



The person who doesn't think there is a problem is not giving the respect their spouse deserves...



More likely you're talking about a person with a sociopathic streak. Talk to some old friends of hers & find out if she wet the bed, tortured cats, set fires, or pulled the wings off flies when she was a kid.
 cin____dy
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 54
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/15/2011 7:50:52 PM
I say they are selfish and don't care about you. A spouse is a partner and all partnerships must negotiate, if they stop doing that, then I say, bye bye. It is funny how men come around when they are about to lose you. But you must not say goodbye unless you mean it and stick by it, because decisions not completed will end up making things worse than before. It is always a good idea to explain things must change and you are willing to get counseling to help but if he doesn't wish to do that, then you must make a decision what is best for you.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 55
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/15/2011 7:58:56 PM
. It is funny how men come around when they are about to lose you.


Do the math; is it worth it to stay (especially given that it was a rather little slight at this point?)

If it's worse than that; and denigrating: shore up the accounts, protect all interests, get prepared by finding your next place.....then make him beg. (He'll know.....its for real...that bluff is not in play)

If he does start begging; it couldn re-invigerate things!!!!

If not; what did you lose...like really.

(Never leave before you do the math on this; is my opinion)

f*ck the bozos.

With that being said; did his "your problem" thing really translate to action or hurt that much? is THAT worth going through the hell of a divorce and NOT having the GOOD parts of the relationship anymore<--Real big question....no?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 56
That's your problem...really?
Posted: 11/15/2011 8:06:36 PM

What happens when one of the spouses considers something a problem, and the other doesn't?

I think technically it could depend on the problem itself... but if someone stubbornly refuses to communicate about an issue that the other person has, then they definitely have a problem. If it IS their problem, explain how & why... work with them. You're on the same team. Now, if the problem is presented in a nasty way -- I could see that being an initial reaction and wouldn't have too much sympathy for the one voicing the concern!
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