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 AUTHOR
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 78
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40sPage 2 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

I agree with Stovo. Sex is, and should be, one of the less important parts of a relationship. There are many more important things.

I disagree. It shouldn't be THE thing -- but it's an important thing. It's more of a pass/fail sort of thing, actually. If it falls short to a normalized level, it should have an impact on things. If it's Way short -- both parties have to have a low sex drive, otherwise it's Goodbye or a bad relationship muddled through for too long.

But that's not the topic of the thread, though. When a guy is REALLY into a girl, he doesn't need to have sex "too quickly". He'll even be willing to wait a little longer than expected, but as a woman you do NOT want to play the rabbit-and-carrot game -- using sex as a goal to get what you want. Put yourself in position where during the first few dates, even if you both were horny, you wouldn't be able to "get it on" anyway. If he's not that into you, he'll be less available. But show interest during that time (if you like him), and let it be known off the bat, even in the profile, that you hold off on physical intimacy until you become exclusive.

OP, being in a FWB is a two-way street. Many of us out there over the years have ended up in a FWB or too-casual of a dating situation because we were willing to take what we could get. You can't blame the other person for that's all they wanted. You're not-that-into many guys, and many guys aren't-that-into you. It's that way all around. If guys know you're not going to get very physically intimate until there's exclusivity, you'll have many guys who look at you from a FB or FWB standpoint balk and not chase you.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 79
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 11/28/2011 2:48:44 PM

Sex is absolutely not important to any relationship. As far as I am concerned sex will never be part of the relationship. You either accept me for me or take a hike.

People are brainwashed by media and social norms and believe sex is one of the most important things to relationships.

Having been in a sexless marriage, I can assure you ~ sex is vital to a long term loving relationship if both parties enjoy/embrace sex/sexuality. Sex can be the band-aid needed to chill out a disagreement, comfort in times of great sorrow/hardship, it can also be the source of one-ness that I think is needed when a LTR becomes routine, stale, dull or just plain old long-term. If you keep the sex alive, interesting, fulfilling? It's the glue that can hold things together when it appears that the relationship is breaking/shattering until both parties can get back on solid footing to fix the core issues that may exist. I stayed in that sexless marriage FAR too long and I will never ever again be party to a relationship that isn't healthy/active in the physical intimacy department. Is it the most important aspect of a relationship? Not if the relationship is built on a solid foundation of other things. Can a relationship work if based only upon sex? I doubt it ~ but to say it's not important at all? That's just bizarre to me personally. To each their own.
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 81
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 11/30/2011 5:02:15 PM
Hi greeneyes.

I haven't had any FWB relationships, so I can't say anything about that.

I think everybody wants the whole package.

My idea is a little different though. I don't want to date a man who doesn't want to have sex with me. And it seems that men are able to make up their minds about that fairly quickly.

I can make up my mind in the negative fairly quickly, but it takes more time to move from neutral to positive. I just need time to feel it out and see how I feel around this person.

So in that sense I agree with you. I need more time than they do. But I really don't mind that men want sex in the relationship; that's sort of reassuring, in fact. I just hope they want to also share other kinds of conversations.

Maybe that's the difference in how I see it vs. getting angry that men want sex only.

I want to have a conversation with them, a relationship where everything we do together is sharing meaning. Sex is a way of sharing meaning.

So, I don't want to have a chit-chat one-time sexual conversation. That's all.

And there are lots of guys out there who just want the chit-chat. OK.

I can wear the chit-chatters out until they go elsewhere seeking superficial sex.

I just refuse to get angry at all men over this. I know lots and lots of men who would dearly love to have someone care about their feelings and are not just sex-obsessed.

I'm not going to be shoved along on someone else's timeline, that is all. I don't have a specific timeline because frankly every relationship is different and has a different vibe, and I could see someone being very emotionally open with me and being very natural and calm about physical affection and that would likely speed up the timeline.

It isn't REALLY a timeline, but there is a speed at which I can process and respond.

Some guys slow it down and some guys stop the train on its tracks altogether.

Obstacles are usually: rudeness, rushing me, being too brash about it, giving the impression that it's all about them and it's something they just want to get from me, or a lot of nervousness on their part.

I'm not going to dump a guy for nervousness...but I might catch a case of it myself or I might decide to wait until he's not nervous to move forward in any way.

So, OP, in the basic sense I agree with you because I want to know who the guy really is and have time to respond to how I feel about him.

The really tough situation is when I know right away this is going to be good and it just gets better with every date.....that's a rare thing and a fun challenge.
 kenchurch
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 83
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History
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 12/8/2011 9:43:07 AM
Hi,
I just want to find a nice girl. I've been on this site since may- 2 dates!! Come on. All the women say they are too busy. didn't we learn in marraige 101 that you have to spend time together, talking , listening- sharing. So why be on this site, if you don't have taim??
Sorry- But it seems pretty stupid to me.
I'm still just looking for a nice girl.
 bobi74
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 86
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:47:02 PM
I hate all these cliche stereo-types. There are plenty of men out there who are looking for a relationship, otherwise this would be a bootycall site rather than a dating site. Most men (in my experience) will push to have sex on the first date, but if you let them know that you don't want to rush into a physical relationship right off the bat they are generaly quite understanding. It is just a matter of being patient and finding the one that makes your heart stop when you hear his voice; it will happen, it is just harder in our 30's and 40's.
 bobi74
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 87
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:54:15 PM
WOW!!! I'm sorry to break this to you dear, but sex IS important! If you have no sexual desire for your mate then you are "friends" I don't believe that sex should be something taken lightly, you should get to know eachother on other levels as well. Relationships are complex and involve needing to be compatible in many areas such as moral views, family values, interests etc. But sexual attraction and compatibility is an important issue as well. Good luck to you though
 Agallah005
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 90
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 12/16/2011 6:15:02 PM
I wait myself because of STDs so I'm with you, :D
 Agallah005
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 91
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 12/16/2011 6:16:40 PM
and I'm a guy who's gone through all the STDs that you can cure so no, I'd rather wait. If she's too anxious then she's a hot ass that I don't need to **** with period...not saying she's a whore, but what else should I call her...?
 apachie35
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 92
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History
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 12/16/2011 6:24:40 PM
look people life has been this way since the begining of time, we must now the kind of woman your looking for. if your living you life the wa you should be living it, then i am shure you will find someone soon... to pray with no faith is not to pray at all......so just keep in mind the man you want VS the man you need and you will find him100%
 apachie35
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 93
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Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 12/16/2011 6:27:26 PM
i think you said it very well, i couldnt have said it better....well done
 tripthelightfantasic
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 95
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 12/17/2011 11:39:34 PM

I think most men get a bad rep from the few bad apples out there. Men are sensitive and do want to know that our feelings are considered, how could we ever expect that if all we were thinking about was sex?


I agree, if men want to have a relationship they are sensitive to things that form it. Want things to go right, just like women do.

Yes there are a lot of guys and I'm sure women, that just want an instant fix. Seems on this site there are a group that wait in the wings for new people and pounce on them. Figuring the odds of getting a hit is greater the more people they contact.

So while it's nice to receive lots of emails when you first join, you quickly realise a large number just want sex. I guess this type of thing can skew a woman's perception.

Going from my experience here several years ago, unless you give up despairing there are no nice guys out there and close your account, over time some start to come out of the woodwork. Have made some good friends from dating sites.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 98
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 1/1/2012 7:41:26 AM

Sex is, and should be, one of the less important parts of a relationship. There are many more important things.


Not if you know and understand the true meaning of intimacy which sex is part of. If the sex isn't "right",,,it ain't gonna work for me. Sorry. Call me a dirt bag, or whatever, but I NEED the intimacy along with the times that I really,really,really,really WANT IT!!!!!
 ek45071
Joined: 11/20/2011
Msg: 99
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 1/1/2012 12:27:46 PM
I know me personally I do respect women. What I will say is if I really like the woman it won't be a problem to wait,but I won't wait forever. I mean if we have obviously reached that point in the relationship and she's avoiding it I will wonder whats going on? What isn't she saying and why? If I'm iffy on the woman I may move on. At this point in my life I've decided I want to be very picky with what woman I date. I am not interested in settling.
 MikeColfs
Joined: 12/25/2011
Msg: 100
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History
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 1/1/2012 12:36:24 PM
Firstly, just having sex with a woman is not the same as making love to a woman.
Intimacy involves a lot more than just "the mechanics".
The difference just sex is merely using someone elses body to attain gratification, making love is a selfless act.
I'm not ashamed as a red blooded male to admit that I crave affection, holding hands, passionate kisses etc etc.

I think the issue here is what is a man to do if sex is offered?
If you turn her down she'll be offended, if you procede and don't "push her buttons"
shes more likely to end it, anyway (Often this isn't the case, women affections grow as the relationship progresses).

To me thats wasting good friendships, just because you don't have the ideal physical connection with her (disrespectful to assume that's all your friendship is worth). Do you maintain her as a friend, even though you keep looking elsewhere? Many prospective partners might not be happy with the latter.

Mike
 Pretty RI Lady
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 104
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History
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 1/2/2012 7:39:04 PM
It's encouraging to see that many men will respect a woman who wants to wait for sex. It's something that I communicate early on so it's fair for both of us.
 weirdotool
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 105
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History
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 1/2/2012 11:47:09 PM
In my belief, there's a large demographic of men who have no problem waiting or staying monogamous for years and years as long as the woman they are with stays passionately INTO having sex a lot.
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 107
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History
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 1/4/2012 3:58:18 PM

i think most men are mess up and think they are all that . not all but most. most guys in their 40 have trust iusses , or they are to into themselfs


I wouldn't quite put it this way........while I do think middle age men do carry some baggage from nasty divorces, guys like me that have been successful in navigating through divorce without losing their shirt have more options now than when we did when we were married, and we excercise those options, including getting laid if and when we want to.

Do I want to have a long term relationship with someone who I can ultimately grow old with? Absolutely.....but that shouldn't preclude having sex along the way to get there........

Women seem to want their cake and eat it too, and there is certainly nothing wrong with men wanting the same...........
 WeSailtheWorld
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 110
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 1/6/2012 7:34:59 AM
You say why do you have to change the way you look to find the guy you want? It sounds like you're looking for Adonis. If you want a fit guy you need to be fit yourself. It says a lot about your lifestyle. Just like you wouldn't date a 300 pound man.
 WeSailtheWorld
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 111
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 1/6/2012 7:40:33 AM
Bobi, you hit the nail on the Head. when I see a profile (pic) that catches my interest I jump strait to the Interests section thats where the meat is. I haven't found the relationship yet but have found some great friends to do thing with.
 want2rox
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 116
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 1/8/2012 6:57:51 PM
I read alot of these post before I decided to post myself! I came to this forum, looking for advice or ideas. I see most of the women have the same problems as I. I also read the men's comments to help figure out what they think and what makes them act the way they do!
I would like to meet someone and turn into a long term. But Im afraid of meeting people I chat with on here. In turn, I maybe missing a great person because of the strange ones thats out there.
1st reason- I don't want to have sex on the first date because what IF he is looking for the right person, I don't want him to think Im a hoe and been with a million guys. I wouldn't want to go where a million guys have been. (Don't make you feel to special). or maybe men don't care. Hell, I don't know!
2nd reason- Im too dang nerverous! How do I act, What do I say, How do I look.

One guy on here had a decent pic, so I decide to be brave and meet. He looked older than his pic. Said" he was a church goer and we didn't have anything in common cause I like rock bands. At the end of the date, He had the nerve to think he was gonna get lucky. I gave no signals to prove this theory cause Im bashful. WTF!
 want2rox
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 117
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 1/8/2012 7:12:46 PM
BTW! I was honest on my profile about what I liked. I do have faith, don't get me wrong on that issue. I thought I'd try someone the opposite of who I would normaly chose. He could have turn me down after reading my pro.

Here lately, I've met alot of guys around 40 that have never been married or have kids. Where did all of them come from? Out of hiding! But their strange, one said he'd been using his hand for years and decided to see if the hermit life was what he should continue to do. He could get it up with a girl but he could if he did it. Woo! I said maybe you've got used to a rough hand! He was a know it all. Selfish. Set in his ways.

Don't you guys get lonely? Don't you want someone to care about you when you get old and the sexual fades? Don't you want to know someone, somewhere is thinking of only you? Do you want your little brain to fall off one day?
 want2rox
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 119
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 1/8/2012 7:43:13 PM
Right on! Thats what I've been thinking. People are pretty forward to bring it up on the first date. Shouldn't they be a little nervous about meeting someone new not to mention worry about affending them. Im not old but I remember a time when men would have manners when a lady was around. They don't mean no body wants sex but that it was something that was private and meaningful.
 DeadPoetScience
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 120
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 1/10/2012 7:27:24 AM
Call me crazy but...

Respect has nothing to do with jumping into bed right away. If I could not respect a woman because she gave it up on the first or second date, well, I just gave it up too on the first or second date, so how can I respect myself?

I was married/attached for 15 years, and I have FWB relationships, and I am still looking for "the whole package", and when I find her, I will have no problem giving up the FWB's. Because, despite having had a mostly terrible marriage the first time, I still believe in the power of a good one, and when I find the kick-ass woman whom I will want to be committed to, why would I bother having sex with anyone else?

OP, as you actually worded your question, I would not lose respect for a woman if she said she wanted to get to know me better before jumping into bed, but I would find the statement weird. If all you want is sex, then 2 dates max should be enough to know whether you want to be in bed with me or not. If you are looking for more, then you should be dating me for the "more" and not bringing up "jumping" into bed. If you are looking for more, then sex should just be a fluid, organic progression of the relationship. I would much rather date you for the "more" and have you make a statement at some point that you are ready for sex or that you want me or something like that rather than hear you say on the second date that you want to get to know me better "before we jump in bed". The latter says to me that sex is in the bag unless I screw up major, because you're already thinking about me that way, and that will turn a lot of guys into focusing only on getting over that hump rather than continuing to date you for the "more". However, if you say nothing, I don't know where I stand, and that makes me keep working. And there's nothing more arousing from a sexual perspective to a guy than when a woman makes a definitive statement, verbally or otherwise, that she's ready for sex with you. That says "You've passed my brain and heart tests. Now I am dying to see how you do on the body test."
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